Bailz Has a Blog

Tag: anxiety

  • 😳 Showing Up Scared

    😳 Showing Up Scared

    So I did a thing today.

    And it scared the shit out of me… but I did it anyway.

    I posted a video on TikTok. A real one. A talking head vlog. Just me, sitting in my bedroom, introducing myself and this blog and this journey I’m on.

    It was vulnerable. It was awkward. It wasn’t perfect.

    But it was mine. And I am so proud of myself for finally doing it.

    I’ve wanted to share more of myself online for years, but I’ve always talked myself out of it. The fear was louder than the desire. Until today.

    Today, I stopped waiting to feel ready.
    I stopped listening to the voice that says, “No one cares.”
    I stopped hiding.

    And in its place, I just… showed up.

    Even though I was scared.
    Even though my heart was racing.
    Even though I had to start over about ten times before I could get through everything I wanted to say.
    Even though I wanted to take it down immediately after posting it.

    I’m writing this while still feeling a little shaky and overwhelmed. That post-release adrenaline is real. But I’m also writing this while feeling a glimmer of pride and courage — because I did the thing that scared me.

    💜 Growth in Real Time

    That’s what this whole project is about. Not being perfect. Not being polished. Just showing up — scared, messy, human, and real.

    I’m trying new things and letting myself sit in the discomfort instead of avoiding it. It’s scary to put myself out there, and it’s normal and healthy for me to feel scared while doing it. But I’m not going to let that stop me anymore. I’m not going to avoid those harder feelings anymore — at least, that’s the goal.

    Let’s be real, I’m human. I’ll trip up. Last week more than proved that. But now I know the harder feelings aren’t always bad — they’re just different and unfamiliar.

    I’m working on nurturing myself through this growth period. The term “growing pains” exists for a reason (coincidentally, it was also one of my favorite TV shows when I was younger — young Kirk Cameron? Swoon!). It’s not comfortable to expand yourself and push to the edges of safety and vulnerability, but it’s worth it.

    The more I share, the more vulnerable and open I am, the more I see changes in myself — how I talk to myself, how I feel about myself, and how I feel about what I’m doing.

    😬 Feeling the Feelings

    Last night after I published my last post, I was really struggling with the vulnerability. I was so anxious, you guys. I almost immediately wanted to take it down. I worried I came across as whiney, or “woe is me,” or ungrateful. I was scared of what people would think.

    To be honest, I avoided the feelings for a while. I turned on The Office, asked Heath to make me an Old Fashioned (or two), and started drawing on my iPad. I didn’t want to feel those feelings — I wanted to avoid them.

    When I finally looked at the clock and realized it was 2:30 a.m., I realized what I had been doing. My post had made me feel vulnerable, and because I was avoiding that feeling, it wasn’t going away. It was just hanging out under my rib cage — a swirling vortex of nerves.

    So I stopped. I put away the iPad, turned off the TV, laid in bed, and let myself feel my feelings. And a lot came up.

    For a while, I really considered taking down my post. I felt like I was taking up too much space. I worried what people would think about Heath, or my dad, or me. I was scared that my voice and my experiences weren’t valid or worth sharing. I felt like people would think I was trying to be someone I’m not.

    But the truth is, I’m still figuring out who I am — and that’s what all of this has been about.

    🌬️ Breathing Through It

    Instead of giving in to those fears and retreating to safety, I forced myself to breathe through the discomfort. Literally.

    I did some breathing exercises — starting with a 4-4-6 pattern: breathing in for four seconds, holding for four, and breathing out for six. I repeated it a few times, and it’s wild how much it helped. I could actually feel myself come back into my body.

    Once I felt more comfortable, I shifted to a 4-7-8 pattern… and eventually, I fell asleep.

    ☀️ Waking Up Lighter

    I woke up to a beautiful text from one of my absolute favorite humans telling me how proud she was of me for my post. Suddenly, all the things I’d been scared of seemed so small.

    So small, in fact, that I decided to push myself again today — to post a video on TikTok and stretch that comfort zone even further.

    I can see the changes happening in myself. I can see the bravery growing. I never thought I’d be brave enough to start a blog about my life — but I did it anyway, and I’ve kept with it. And it turns out, I really enjoy it.

    I never thought that if I ever did have a blog, I’d share it publicly and actually want people to read it and really see me. But I did it anyway, and the response has been so incredible. I also never thought I’d post a video of myself talking straight to the camera — unscripted, open, raw, unpolished, and real. But I did it anyway.

    It’s scary, and I’m still buzzing, but instead of avoiding the nerves, I’m going to hop into some leggings, pull out my yoga mat, cue up some Yoga With Adriene, and breathe and move through this growing pain.

    💫 Final Thoughts

    If you’re reading this and you’ve been holding back from doing something because you don’t feel ready — I see you. I am you. And I just want to say:

    It’s okay to start scared.
    It’s okay to do the thing while your voice shakes.
    It’s okay to be vulnerable.
    You might be surprised what happens when you do.

    @bailzhasablog

    Doing the thing, even though it’s terrifying. Not striving for perfection, just authenticity. Like and follow for more! 💜 #showingup #tryingnewthings #happinessjourney #creatingthelifeilove

    ♬ original sound – bailzhasablog

    Follow me on TikTok (@bailzhasablog) to see more of this journey. I have no idea what to expect, but I’m nervously excited about it — and I hope you come along for the ride!

    And if you haven’t already, please subscribe here so you never miss a post! You can have it sent right to your inbox as soon as it’s live. 💌

    Thank you for being here and for walking alongside me in this journey. I truly feel like my life is changing — and I’m glad you’re here to witness it.

    Love always,
    Bailz 💜

  • ✨ Aaaaaand We’re Back!

    ✨ Aaaaaand We’re Back!

    Today is the first day I’ve genuinely felt like myself in… honestly, I don’t even know how long. Definitely not since starting this blog. I’ve had flickers of my true self here and there—but they’ve been fleeting.

    This morning, I woke up ready. Ready to participate in my life again. Ready to take the reins.

    Now, I know what you might be thinking: It must be because I finally did all those things I said I would yesterday, right?

    Nope. Not even close. I managed to do a yoga video with Heath, but that is it.

    Instead, Heath and I talked. For hours. And not surface-level, small talk—we had an open, vulnerable, honest conversation that I didn’t realize I’d been aching for. I cracked open, and the floodgates came down. I spoke things I didn’t even know I’d been bottling up.

    And because I’m committed to documenting this journey truthfully, I want to share some of what we talked about—with Heath’s blessing, of course.

    💼 Generational Echoes

    Growing up, and honestly even now, my dad has always been a workaholic. And to be fair—he’s brilliant at what he does. His work ethic is unmatched. But it also meant that work almost always came first. Even on vacations or holidays, he’d be on his laptop, answering emails, solving problems.

    He never missed the big things—he was there, camera in hand, documenting every milestone “for posterity.” But day-to-day? He was rarely fully with us.

    I adore my dad. But I missed him a lot growing up. I wanted more time, more attention, more connection.

    And as they say—we often marry a version of our parents.

    Heath is also a workaholic. And just like my dad, he’s phenomenal at what he does. He manages a large team, he cares deeply about people, and he pours his heart into his job. It’s one of the things I love most about him.

    But sometimes, that passion means there’s not much left for anything else at the end of the day. I often get what feels like scraps of his attention, and I convince myself it’s fine. That I’m strong enough. That this is normal.

    But over time, it chipped away at me.

    😔 Loneliness in the Quiet Moments

    What I hadn’t realized until last night is that the loneliness had grown louder than I’d allowed myself to admit. Even when he was sitting right next to me, I missed him.

    I finally said the words I had been afraid to speak for years:

    “I’m scared you work so much because you don’t want to be home with me.”
    “I’m scared that if I left, you’d be fine—maybe even relieved because you would have more time and energy for work.”
    “I feel like I only get the best version of you when you’re away from work—and the rest of the time, I’m just… managing.”

    I let it all out—my fears, my longing, the echoes of my childhood loneliness. I laid it bare, and for the first time, I felt fully seen.

    He didn’t get defensive. He heard me. And that changed everything.

    ☀️ A New Kind of Morning

    No, I wasn’t asleep by 10 PM. It was closer to 3 AM. But I still woke up lighter.

    I let myself sleep in. Then I got up, brushed my teeth, high-fived myself in the mirror (thanks, Mel Robbins), laced up my sneakers, and stepped onto my walk pad. I walked for 45 minutes and watched The Office, comfort food for my soul.

    (Side note: If you haven’t watched the Superfan episodes on Peacock—what are you even doing? It’s like getting bonus time with old friends. I highly, highly recommend them.)

    After walking, I did some stretches, took some slow, deep belly breaths, and actually felt my body again. Not just existing in it—being in it. Sweaty, a little winded, and so very alive.

    🍝 A Simple Kind of Joy

    After walking, stretching, breathing, and then showering, I volunteered as tribute to go grocery shopping. We needed a few things, so I threw on a cute outfit and made a Trader Joe’s trip feel like a mini adventure.

    No overthinking. No dread. Just me, out in the world, present.

    I sang my heart out to The Tortured Poets Department in the car. I chatted with the cashier. I picked up treats for the dogs. I got complimented on my outfit. And the best part? I didn’t feel overwhelmed once.

    That is HUGE for me.

    🌱 Lighter, Not Fixed (Yet)

    I still have goals I’m not quite meeting. I still have healing to do. But today felt like a turning point.

    All because I said the things I was afraid to say.

    I told the truth—not just to Heath, but to myself.

    And in doing so, I put down a weight I didn’t realize I’d been carrying.

    I feel lighter. I feel more like me.

    I’m not all the way back, but I’m on my way.

    And that, my friends, is enough for today. 💜

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  • Worse Than I Thought

    Worse Than I Thought

    Yesterday, I realized that my mental health had been doing much worse this past week than I wanted to admit. I was in supreme denial about how negative my thoughts had become, how loud they were, and how often they showed up. On top of that, I was beating myself up for even having them.

    I tried to just push through — do the things, stay distracted, and hope I’d magically wake up better one day. But on Saturday, I woke up and couldn’t stop crying.

    “What’s the point of any of this? Why am I even trying? I’ll always struggle. I’ll always hate myself a little bit. I’ll always feel like this.”

    That afternoon, I had tickets to the Life of a Showgirl release party movie with a friend. I knew I needed to get up, shower, and get dressed. But I cried through all of it. I didn’t really pull myself together until about 30 minutes before my friend arrived to pick me up. Even then, I wasn’t myself. I was quiet, going through the motions, and just… sad. I’m glad I went and spent time with my friend, but I didn’t appreciate it in the moment as much as I could have.

    🚩 When the Signs Were There

    Looking back, I should have recognized things were bad on Thursday night/early Friday morning, when the brand-new Taylor Swift album came out. Normally, I love Taylor Swift. Her lyrics have been a lifeline for me for years. But this time, I listened to the album out of obligation more than joy. I didn’t feel excited. I didn’t count down the hours until release. I didn’t make a cute outfit for the party or obsessively check Instagram for Easter egg theories. I just… didn’t care.

    At first, I thought maybe I just didn’t like the album. Now I realize: I didn’t like anything that much at the time.

    🖤 Going Dark

    So on Saturday, while crying through getting ready, I put the album on again to prep for the show. Even after listening through twice, the funk lingered. All through the show, all through the afternoon, I felt completely dark.

    Heath had a company picnic that day, so he was gone most of the afternoon. When he got home, I was a shell of myself on the couch watching Gilmore Girls, barely able to look at him. He could see something was wrong. He started asking gentle questions, and then the last one was:

    “Are you going dark?”
    “Yes.”

    “Dark” is our word for when things feel about as bad as they can get. Saying it out loud helped. Heath gave me a hug, snuggled me on the couch, and watched Gilmore Girls with me for the rest of the night — even asking questions about the characters and plot. (I think he might secretly be becoming a fan!)

    Later, I spoke up and said I wanted chips and queso. We ordered Torchy’s delivery. Never underestimate the healing powers of chips and queso. We talked a little bit, and I felt myself come back — just a bit.

    🌤️ Choosing to Come Back

    Today, mentally, I feel better. I’m not “dark” anymore. But emotionally and physically, I’m drained. I slept until noon, and I still feel like I could crawl back into bed. Now that I’ve acknowledged how bad it was, though, it feels like it has less power over me.

    Looking back, I see how quickly I slipped into old patterns: shaming myself, measuring my worth by productivity, “should-ing” all over myself, dwelling on the past, neglecting my self-care habits. I haven’t done a full yoga practice in over a week. I haven’t been on the walk pad. I haven’t been present.

    So today, I’m making myself a promise:

    • 💜 I will get back on track, gently.
    • 🧘‍♀️ I will do yoga.
    • 🚶 I will walk.
    • 🌌 I will check in with the astrology for this week.
    • 📚 I will read something uplifting about happiness.
    • 📵 I will stay off my phone as much as possible.
    • 🌙 I will start curating a nighttime routine that is authentically me — one that helps me wind down and sleep well.

    My goal is to be in bed and asleep by 10 PM every night. I’m a lifelong night owl, and turning my brain off at bedtime is hard. But this is my project now.

    🔁 Healing Isn’t Linear

    Progress, setbacks, and forward movement again — it’s all part of it. I can still bring myself back. But I can’t keep it bottled up. Speaking up matters. Showing up matters.

    Even when it’s hard.
    Even when it’s messy.
    Even when it’s just a post like this.

    Thank you for being here. 💜

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  • ✨ Anxious, But Still Showing Up

    ✨ Anxious, But Still Showing Up

    I’m still struggling with sleeping through the night, so today… I’m not feeling my best.

    There’s been a constant buzz of anxiety in my chest, and my mind hasn’t wanted to settle down. I’ve felt too restless to sit still or focus on anything quiet, so I decided to channel that energy into cleaning the house.

    🧼 Today’s healing activities included:

    • Unpacking the rest of our bags from the trip
    • Running laundry and dishes
    • Changing the sheets
    • Vacuuming and mopping the floors
    • Wiping down counters
    • Playing The Office in the background for comfort

    It’s been a productive day in terms of tidying up, and I’m feeling mildly accomplished—but I’m also still carrying that anxious energy. I’m feeling self-critical. Doubtful. Tender. A little too in my head.

    And still—I showed up.

    I don’t have anything groundbreaking to say today. But maybe that’s the point. I’m not here to prove anything or impress anyone. I’m just here to document the process. The real, messy, honest parts of it.

    🌀 It is okay to be a work in progress.
    And I will keep reminding myself of that as many times as I need to.

    Thank you for being here.

    With love,
    💜 Bailz

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