One of my goals right now is to be very intentional with the content Iām consumingāwhether itās related to my healing journey or just comfort content Iām using to find balance. If Iām going to sit down and give my attention to something, I want to give it some thought first. Iām letting go of living passivelyā¦ or at least, Iām trying to.
A few nights ago, my husband had a work dinner, so I had the evening to myself. I considered reading The Art of Happiness or watching a Mel Robbins podcast on YouTube. But eventually, I realized I was āshouldingā on myself. Deep down, I was craving comfort content. I wanted to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. So I asked myself: what if I chose comfort content I could also explore through the lens of this healing project? Best of both worlds. I put on Barbie.
I knew I made the right call the second I saw that pink Warner Brothers logo.
When Barbie first came out, I fell in love with it instantlyālike so many others. And something surprising happenedā¦ I suddenly loved the color pink. Which was a pretty big deal for me.
See, for most of my adult life, I was staunchly anti-pink. I never really examined why. I just told myself I didnāt like pink. I repeated it constantlyāif I had a choice of colors, Iād skip over pink every time. I didnāt consider myself a āgirlie girl,ā and pink was for girlie girls. Those were the rules. So it wasnāt for me. Flawless logic, right? Oh, younger Bailz. So rigid in her thinking.
But after watching Barbie, I had to pause and reconsider. Why had I stopped liking pink?
I remembered liking it as a kid. Iāve always been a purple girlie, but pink was never the enemy. Somewhere along the way, though, it became something I avoided. And as I sat with it, I realized what had happened: society taught me that being āgirlieā was weak. Pink was girlie. Therefore, pink was weak. And I did not want to be seen as weak. I was such a Sasha at the beginning of the movie, you guys. So very much.
But I didnāt realize I was even thinking that way until Barbie helped me see it.
Gloriaās āIt is literally impossible to be a womanā monologue cracked something open in me. It felt like being gently shaken awake from a life I didnāt realize I had been sleeping through. The timing couldnāt have been more aligned.
Just a few months earlier, in May of 2023, I had been diagnosed with Hodgkinās Lymphoma and started chemo. It was the hardest season of my lifeāand the most transformative. I had lived in fear for so long: fear of rejection, of not being enough, of being too much. Fear of life itself, honestly. But cancer forced me to face things head-on. I knew I wanted to approach this new chapter differently. And the messages in Barbie were exactly what I needed to hear as I began rewriting everything.
The line that gutted me most wasnāt what I would have guessed. And it wasnāt from a Barbie. It came from a Kenāafter the Barbies had reclaimed Barbie Land. He says, āWe were fighting because we didnāt know who we were.ā
And just like that, something clicked in my brain.
I didnāt really know who I was either. And not knowing who you are creates friction with the worldāfriction that shows up everywhere, from how you show up at work to how you talk to yourself when no oneās around. But like my relationship with pink, I hadnāt seen the pattern until I paused long enough to ask why.
This movie became a landmark on my personal growth map. It genuinely changed the way I see myself and the world. So of course, it made sense to return to it now, as comfort content I could experience through the lens of intentional healing.
One of the coolest things about re-watching something (or re-reading, or re-listening) is that the content stays the same, but Iāve changed. Iām not the same person who watched it the first time. So I notice different things. Different characters and messages resonate. I bring new insights and lived experiences to the table.
When I first saw Barbie, I related deeply to Ken. I felt invisible. I felt like I only mattered if I had approval from others. I was struggling in every area of my life. But when I rewatched it this week, I saw myself more in Stereotypical Barbie. I feel like Iāve metaphorically chosen the Birkenstock. Iām on this journey to find myself, to heal, to celebrate who I am.
There will be hard days. I will absolutely feel like Depression Barbie sometimes. I expect that. But Iām not afraid of it anymore. Iām learning to be okay with the mess of it. Iām reconnecting with my inner child. I know this work is worth doing.
Being intentional with my content is helping me stay present and mindful. Itās reminding me that I can be gentle with myselfārest, comfort myself with familiar favorites, and still be awake to new insights. I can take care of my heart and mind at the same time.
Also, like Ruth, I too always think best at kitchen tables. Thatās where Iām sitting now, writing this post. Itās where Iāve written most of them, actually.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for witnessing this season of rediscovery. Stay tuned for more tales from the life of Bailz. š
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