Hey, hi, hello! Happy Saturday!
Recently, I’ve been feeling a little stagnant. A little off, a little out of sorts, a little distracted. Instead of feeling grateful for this journey I’m on and the incredible opportunity that it is, I found myself feeling obligated — even overwhelmed — by all the “work” I still needed to do. It started to feel like every spare moment had to be dedicated to healing, studying, improving. And slowly but surely, I drained myself of the excitement and joy that originally fueled all of this.
Realizing I’d Turned Healing Into Homework 📚
Through some honest self-reflection, I realized I’ve been focusing too much on the fine print — the self-help texts, the podcasts, the expert advice — and not nearly enough time actually exploring what feels good for me.
Once again, balance has revealed itself as my biggest struggle. Despite my intentions, I became rigid, strict, and overly disciplined in ways that led me right back to the burnout I was trying so hard to heal from.
When I started this blog, I proudly proclaimed that every new thing I consumed would relate to my happiness project. Only self-improvement books. Only mindset podcasts. Only healing-focused content. For a while, that was motivating… but eventually, it became suffocating.
Instead of embracing what I’d learned and focusing on integrating it, I convinced myself I needed to keep reading, keep studying, keep digging deeper. I sent myself straight into information overload — to the point where everything blurred together. I couldn’t even tell you which ideas came from which book anymore; it was all just a big, overwhelming soup of “shoulds.”
And little by little, it all started feeling like I was completing tasks just to check them off a list, not because they were supporting my happiness. I was either “studying” or watching familiar shows while scrolling my phone — old patterns, old distractions, old autopilot. I stopped being fully present, and my body let me know. (Hi, neck tension!)
Where’s the Fun in All of This? 🎢
I’ve bought several new books recently — Beatles biographies, historical fiction, romantasy — all things that bring me joy. Yet I told myself I couldn’t read them because they weren’t part of “the project.” I refused myself joy if it wasn’t officially productive.
I lost sight of what the bigger journey was actually supposed to be: not fixing myself… but finding myself.
And the question finally hit me:
If I’m not finding joy in my days, what the hell am I even doing?
So yesterday, I recalibrated. Hard.
I finished a novel I’ve been slowly reading for months — A Resistance of Witches, which was SO up my alley. And wow… I realized how much guilt I’d buried around simply enjoying myself. I thought I was being disciplined. Really, I was depriving myself.
After my walk-pad session, I took a nap — a full, luxurious 2-hour nap — without setting a 45-minute “approved” timer. When I woke up, I finally cracked open SHOUT!, the Beatles biography that has been calling to me from the shelf for weeks. And reading it felt like a deep, contented exhale.
There is a time and place for rigidity and structure, but it does not need to be constant. So now I’m focusing on balance — real balance — not rules disguised as self-care.
Letting Myself Rest (For Real) 😴
This morning, I let myself sleep in because I’ve been fighting off a cold. When I finally got up, I felt more rested than I have in days.
I stepped outside for my morning sun exposure, made my breakfast shake, took my supplements, and did my morning pages and affirmations. The basics still matter to me — they keep me grounded — but I’m softening the edges around them.
Dusting Off the Piano Keys 🎹
After my morning routine, I wandered into the guest room/my office and decided… it’s time to play piano again.
Back in May, one of my closest friends gifted me her old keyboard because I’d talked about wanting to learn. I practiced daily for a couple weeks, posted some videos, felt proud… and then life happened. I fell out of the habit.
Every time I saw the keyboard afterward, the shame hit hard. Instead of recognizing that ache as longing, I told myself I “should be working on other things,” so I’d close the door and pretend it didn’t hurt my heart to leave it sitting there.
But after my realization about joy and rigidity, I decided that playing music gets to be part of my daily routine, just like walking and yoga.
So today, I dusted off the keys and practiced for about 30 minutes with a beginner YouTube video. I was rusty, but I was smiling. Really smiling.
This is the kind of thing I want to chase — joy, fun, creativity, magic. The self-improvement literature helped me build a foundation. But now I need to live on that foundation, not bury myself under more textbooks about how to live.
Getting Honest About Alcohol 🍷🚫
Another big realization: as much as I may wish it were different, alcohol just cannot be part of my life right now.
I’ve done great avoiding it during the week, but Friday rolls around and suddenly I’m counting down to 5 p.m. Sometimes I manage to stick to one drink, sometimes I don’t. Either way, I always feel worse afterward — in my sleep, my mood, my body.
The short-term buzz just isn’t worth the long-term crash. So for now, alcohol is off the table. It’s scary to say that out loud, but it also feels like relief. Like I’m finally choosing myself — not just in theory, but in practice.
Softening the Edges of My Routines 🌿
Going forward, I’m keeping the core of my routines — sleep, nutrition, walking, yoga, Pilates — but loosening the rigidity that was making everything feel like homework.
The time in between? That belongs to joy now.
- Playing piano.
- Reading about Beatles lore and faeries getting freaky.
- Drawing and painting.
- Snuggling dogs, drinking tea, and letting myself just be.
I am aiming to be more fluid and less rigid — and I know I’ll stumble, but I’ll adjust and keep learning what serves me and what doesn’t.
Today, I Choose Joy ✨
Today, I feel hopeful. Grounded. Light. I’m going to get on the walk pad, make some tea, snuggle up with the dogs, read about The Beatles, do some yoga, make myself something nourishing… and actually enjoy it.
Not because it’s “part of the protocol.” Not because a book told me to. But because it feels good. And isn’t that the whole point?
Let’s Chat 💬
I’d love to hear from you in the comments:
- Where in your life have you gotten a little too rigid with your “self-improvement” habits?
- What’s one joyful, “just for fun” thing you’ve been denying yourself that you’d like to bring back?
- How do you personally find balance between growth and rest?
Stay Connected 💌
If you’re walking your own winding healing path and want some company along the way, I’d love for you to stick around.
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Thank you for being here. It means more than you know.
Love always, Bailz 💜
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