I’m still struggling with sleeping through the night, so today… I’m not feeling my best.
There’s been a constant buzz of anxiety in my chest, and my mind hasn’t wanted to settle down. I’ve felt too restless to sit still or focus on anything quiet, so I decided to channel that energy into cleaning the house.
🧼 Today’s healing activities included:
Unpacking the rest of our bags from the trip
Running laundry and dishes
Changing the sheets
Vacuuming and mopping the floors
Wiping down counters
Playing The Office in the background for comfort
It’s been a productive day in terms of tidying up, and I’m feeling mildly accomplished—but I’m also still carrying that anxious energy. I’m feeling self-critical. Doubtful. Tender. A little too in my head.
And still—I showed up.
I don’t have anything groundbreaking to say today. But maybe that’s the point. I’m not here to prove anything or impress anyone. I’m just here to document the process. The real, messy, honest parts of it.
🌀 It is okay to be a work in progress. And I will keep reminding myself of that as many times as I need to.
Thank you for being here.
With love, 💜 Bailz
💌 Like what you’re reading? Subscribe below to get new posts delivered straight to your inbox.
First things first—my doctor said everything on my CT scan looked normal. That news brought an enormous sense of relief, and I’m incredibly grateful. 🌤️
That said… I’m also feeling deeply drained. I didn’t fully realize how tense I’d been until we walked out of the doctor’s office. It felt like every muscle in my body had been clenched for days without me even noticing.
🧬 Relief Isn’t the Same as Resolution
While I’m beyond thankful that the scan didn’t show anything alarming, I’m still dealing with some uncomfortable symptoms. So the worry hasn’t completely vanished—it’s just shifted.
I’ve started taking a new set of supplements—high-quality vitamins and herbs—to support my physical, mental, and emotional well-being. I’m hopeful that staying consistent with them will bring some clarity and comfort soon. 🌱
📺 Switching the Channel
Today is another day for gentleness and rest. But instead of another episode of The Office, I’ve started a rewatch of Gilmore Girls. It’s been years since I’ve watched it, but our weekend in Guthrie brought it back into my orbit. The local bookstore, A Novel Idea, hosted a Gilmore Girls-themed event that transformed downtown Guthrie into Stars Hollow for a day—and it totally charmed me. 💫
So today felt like the perfect time to press play and ease into a little cozy nostalgia.
🛁 Soft Focus
The rest of the day is dedicated to quiet comforts: a long bath, some gentle yoga, journaling, and (most likely) a nap. I don’t have much to say today—and that’s okay.
My inner critic, of course, has opinions: “What’s the point? Who’s going to care? You’re not doing anything important.” But I’m doing my best to shush that voice. Because truthfully, this—this slowing down, this reframing, this being—is the whole point of what I’m doing here.
I’m reworking my relationship with rest. I’m learning to believe that rest has value even when it doesn’t come with a checklist or an epiphany attached.
💜 Progress Isn’t Always Loud
I’m reminding myself—over and over—that my worth is not measured by how much I accomplish. I’m showing up and sharing today, even when I don’t feel particularly wise or inspiring.
This blog is about honesty, vulnerability, and the messy middle. And today? Today is a work-in-progress kind of day. And that’s more than enough.
Thank you for being here with me, even on the quiet days. 🫶 More stories from the life of Bailz coming soon. 💜
Today has been a better day. I still feel a little off balance, but I can feel myself gently moving in the right direction. Little by little. I even high-fived the mirror twice this morning. 🙌
I’m taking better care of myself, though I’ll be honest—my mind is still racing a bit.
🩺 Scanxiety & Staying Grounded
Yesterday afternoon, I had a CT scan with contrast dye. It’s been almost two years since my last chemotherapy treatment, and recently, a few of my old symptoms have started creeping back in. A few weeks ago, I had bloodwork done and my oncologist said everything looked good—but because of the symptoms, he ordered this scan to be safe.
I go in for results tomorrow morning. I’m hopeful that everything is fine. But… it’s hard not to think about it. The waiting, the what-ifs, the heavy swirl of uncertainty—it’s a lot.
So in the meantime, I’m doing my best to stay grounded, stay gentle, and keep my mind occupied with things that bring me joy.
🛁 Cozy Comforts & Simple Wins
Right now, self-care looks like this:
Wearing my comfiest clothes 🧦
Snuggling with the dogs 🐶
Watching The Office Superfan episodes 📺
Resting when I feel like it 💤
Taking a long bath while listening to The Little Book of Hygge 🕯️
Hydrating, eating, and staying on top of my supplements 🥤🍽️💊
I’ve tidied the house a little—just enough to feel clear-minded—but I’m not pushing myself. I ran the robot vacuum/mop, did the dishes, and straightened up the kitchen and living room. And honestly? That’s enough for today.
If I do more, great. If I don’t, that’s okay too.
💜 Grace Over Guilt
There are no expectations today. No lists, no pressure, no “shoulds.” Just soft care. Just showing up for myself in small, meaningful ways.
My body and spirit are asking for rest, so I’m doing my best to listen. I’ll keep watching my comfort show. I’ll roll out my yoga mat for a few slow stretches. I’ll breathe deeply. I’ll try—really try—to give myself grace.
Slow and steady. Gentle and kind. That’s the only path forward right now.
Thanks for being here with me.
Stay tuned for more tales from the life of Bailz 💜
One of the many goals I’ve set for myself on this journey is to keep my space consistently clean and calm. A tidy space helps me feel grounded, clear-headed, and proud of my environment—which is something I’m actively learning to prioritize.
While I’ve been doing a pretty good job overall, I’ll admit: the weekend got a little cluttered. So today, I decided it was time for a home reset.
🧳 Getting Ready to Travel
We’re heading out of town in a few days, and that added some extra motivation. I wanted to leave the house feeling fresh and welcoming for our return. So I spent the day cycling through the classic checklist:
🧺 Laundry
🛏️ Changed the sheets
🍽️ Did the dishes
🪴 Watered the plants
🧹 Dusted and decluttered
🧳 Packed what I could
🧼 Vacuumed and mopped the floors
It felt so good to go from room to room and really care for the space I call home. Not perfectly—just intentionally.
🎧 A Little Hygge, A Little Mel
I’ve also been multitasking a bit. While I cleaned, I listened to two episodes of the Mel Robbins podcast and started the audiobook The Little Book of Hygge. Both were excellent companions for my day and helped me feel like I was nourishing my environment and my mindset. Win-win.
🗣️ The Inner Critic Tried to Interrupt
As much as I tried to be present, my inner critic made sure I knew she was still in the room. Mid-dusting, she started whispering:
“Hey… you haven’t written your blog post yet. When are you going to do that? You HAVE to do it.”
Oof.
I gently reminded her—many times—that I can only do one thing at a time. Right now, I’m cleaning. I’ll write when I’m done. I’ll worry about writing when I’m done.
Was it easy? No. I had to shush her constantly. But I kept pulling my attention back to the present moment, and slowly, it got easier. That’s what this is: practice. One intentional breath, one focused task at a time.
🪞 Gentle Progress, Not Perfection
This isn’t going to be an overnight transformation. Silencing my inner critic—learning to trust myself—will take time. But I believe it’s worth the effort. Every time I interrupt that anxious voice with compassion and presence, I’m making progress.
I’m learning that I can be gentle with myself and consistent with my goals. I don’t have to be perfect to be proud. I just have to keep showing up—one step at a time, one day at a time.
Thank you for being here. I’m so glad we’re doing this together 💜
Hello and Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. I know I sure did—it was busy, it was social, and it was absolutely beautiful.
Lately, a lot of my focus has been centered on reframing—shifting my perspective and trying to see things in a more positive, grounded light. It’s a practice I’m still learning, but I’m already seeing how powerful it can be.
And this weekend reminded me of a phrase that has meant a lot to me over the years:
“Have to? GET to.”
Let me take you back to the origin story.
When I was 15, Green Day was touring for their American Idiot album, and my wonderful dad somehow scored tickets for our family of four. My sister and I were obsessed with Green Day at the time—this was a very big deal.
When we got to the venue and started making our way to our seats, my mom looked down at the arena floor—the standing room only section—and said something like, “Oh, those poor people, they have to be standing down there the whole time?” Without even thinking, I responded: “Have to? GET to!”
And it just… stuck.
🔄 Reframing the Everyday
I didn’t realize how powerful that mindset shift was until much later—when I found myself burned out, detached, and drowning in “have to” energy.
Somewhere along the way, I had stopped choosing my life. I was moving through my days like everything was an obligation—even the things I wanted to do. Depression had dulled everything, and I couldn’t see it clearly until I paused. I rested. I got honest with myself. And I started listening to that quiet inner voice again.
Perspective matters. How you look at things matters.
✨ This Weekend, I Got To…
If I had approached this weekend with my old mindset, it would have wrecked me. I would’ve seen my calendar and thought: “Ugh, I have to go to all these things…”
I would have spiraled into anxiety or shame. Maybe even canceled. Maybe convinced myself I wasn’t up for it.
But I didn’t do that. Instead, I asked myself: “What if I looked at all of this as something I get to do?”
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed—not with stress, but with gratitude.
How lucky am I to have people who want to spend time with me? How lucky that I genuinely adore those people back?
Yes, I’m tired. I slept 12 hours last night. But my heart is full.
Yesterday, I got to catch up with a friend I haven’t seen in years. I got to meet her beautiful children. Later, another dear friend came over and I got to hang out with him and my husband all afternoon. What a gift.
💜 Let “Get To” Lead the Way
I know I’ll still fall into “have to” thinking sometimes. I’m human. It’s a habit I’ve spent years reinforcing.
But I’m working on changing the story. And keeping “get to” at the center helps.
So today, I invite you to try this with me.
When you catch yourself dreading something or slipping into overwhelm, pause. Ask yourself: “What if I get to do this?”
You might be surprised how much it softens everything.
Thanks for being here. Stay tuned for more tales from the life of Bailz 💜
Today turned out to be a fabulous day—and I almost talked myself out of it. If I hadn’t been intentionally practicing presence and mindfulness, I would’ve stayed home. And I’m so glad I didn’t.
My husband and I were invited to a baby shower for a friend from work—well, from my old job and his current one. And I came very close to skipping it and letting Heath go solo. Not because I didn’t want to celebrate our friend, but because I felt vulnerable. I was so nervous. I changed my outfit twice. Even as we were walking out the door, I still didn’t feel settled.
I hadn’t seen any of these people since I quit. And I felt hesitant about telling anyone what I’m doing these days. I’m still unlearning the belief that if I’m not “working” in the traditional sense, then I’m not doing anything worth talking about. That old story still creeps in.
Even as we were leaving the house, I was waffling. But I reminded myself: the odds are, I’ll be glad I went. Even if part of me wants to stay home now, the future version of me probably won’t regret going. I’ve been listening to a LOT of Mel Robbins lately, and I could practically hear her voice in my head saying, Go. Show up for your life. So I did.
🎧 A Small Yes That Shifted Everything
It was about an hour drive to the party, and I kept thinking about The Let Them Theory audiobook. Since I recently wrote about it, it’s been on my mind a lot. I read the hard copy the first time around, but I had a hunch the audiobook would hit differently.
Still, every time I thought about suggesting it, I silenced myself. Until I caught what I was doing—shrinking again. I asked myself: What’s the worst that could happen? He might say he’s not in the mood. That’s not so scary.
So I trusted the nudge.
“Hey, since we have a bit of a drive there and back, want to listen to an audiobook?” “Sure!” “I have The Let Them Theory. Want to try that?” (Pause) “Yeah, that sounds good!”
And just like that, boom. A tiny moment of bravery. I spoke up. Not a massive thing on the surface, but it changed the tone of my entire day. It made me feel confident, seen, and self-trusting. My voice mattered.
☕ And Then… Starbucks Magic
About ten minutes into the drive, another nudge hit me: Starbucks. I wanted coffee. Really badly.
Cue my inner narrator writing a dramatic script in my head about how inconvenient it would be, how Heath might say no, how we didn’t have time. But again, I caught myself. We were already listening to my audiobook because I spoke up—why stop there?
“Hey, can I ask a favor?” “Of course, what’s up?” “Can we stop at Starbucks if we see one?” “Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem!”
I kid you not—the very next exit had a sign. One option listed. Starbucks.
I’ve had a lot of pumpkin spice lattes in my life, but that one? That one tasted like a win. Not because of the drink itself, but because I earned it by honoring my own voice—twice.
🎉 The Shower That Nearly Wasn’t
By the time we got to the baby shower, I was buzzing. Still a little nervous, but it felt more like excitement than dread. That kind of energy used to send me into a spiral. I would’ve mistaken it for fear and let it swallow me whole. But not today. I breathed through it, reminded myself that I was safe, and walked in with an open heart.
And y’all—it was a fantastic afternoon.
I laughed. I caught up with old coworkers. I had fun. But the cherry on top? Several people told me they’ve been reading my blog—and they like it.
WHAT?!?
Compliments have never been easy for me. They feel like wearing jeans straight out of the dryer—tight and awkward. But I did my best to receive them graciously. It meant so much to hear that people not only read my words but resonated with them.
And to think—I almost missed all of that.
🌱 From Good to Great
If I had stayed home, I’m sure the day would’ve still been good. I might’ve journaled, drafted a post, tidied the house. But instead, I took a chance. I showed up. I spoke up. I gave myself the opportunity to move from good to great.
Every day, I see more evidence that the work I’m doing is working. Today, the proof came in the form of little wins: saying what I wanted, asking for what I needed, and showing up even when it felt easier not to.
And I’m so glad I did.
Thank you for being here. Stay tuned for more tales from the life of Bailz. 💜
One of my goals right now is to be very intentional with the content I’m consuming—whether it’s related to my healing journey or just comfort content I’m using to find balance. If I’m going to sit down and give my attention to something, I want to give it some thought first. I’m letting go of living passively… or at least, I’m trying to.
A few nights ago, my husband had a work dinner, so I had the evening to myself. I considered reading The Art of Happiness or watching a Mel Robbins podcast on YouTube. But eventually, I realized I was “shoulding” on myself. Deep down, I was craving comfort content. I wanted to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. So I asked myself: what if I chose comfort content I could also explore through the lens of this healing project? Best of both worlds. I put on Barbie.
I knew I made the right call the second I saw that pink Warner Brothers logo.
When Barbie first came out, I fell in love with it instantly—like so many others. And something surprising happened… I suddenly loved the color pink. Which was a pretty big deal for me.
See, for most of my adult life, I was staunchly anti-pink. I never really examined why. I just told myself I didn’t like pink. I repeated it constantly—if I had a choice of colors, I’d skip over pink every time. I didn’t consider myself a “girlie girl,” and pink was for girlie girls. Those were the rules. So it wasn’t for me. Flawless logic, right? Oh, younger Bailz. So rigid in her thinking.
But after watching Barbie, I had to pause and reconsider. Why had I stopped liking pink?
I remembered liking it as a kid. I’ve always been a purple girlie, but pink was never the enemy. Somewhere along the way, though, it became something I avoided. And as I sat with it, I realized what had happened: society taught me that being “girlie” was weak. Pink was girlie. Therefore, pink was weak. And I did not want to be seen as weak. I was such a Sasha at the beginning of the movie, you guys. So very much.
But I didn’t realize I was even thinking that way until Barbie helped me see it.
Gloria’s “It is literally impossible to be a woman” monologue cracked something open in me. It felt like being gently shaken awake from a life I didn’t realize I had been sleeping through. The timing couldn’t have been more aligned.
Just a few months earlier, in May of 2023, I had been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and started chemo. It was the hardest season of my life—and the most transformative. I had lived in fear for so long: fear of rejection, of not being enough, of being too much. Fear of life itself, honestly. But cancer forced me to face things head-on. I knew I wanted to approach this new chapter differently. And the messages in Barbie were exactly what I needed to hear as I began rewriting everything.
The line that gutted me most wasn’t what I would have guessed. And it wasn’t from a Barbie. It came from a Ken—after the Barbies had reclaimed Barbie Land. He says, “We were fighting because we didn’t know who we were.”
And just like that, something clicked in my brain.
I didn’t really know who I was either. And not knowing who you are creates friction with the world—friction that shows up everywhere, from how you show up at work to how you talk to yourself when no one’s around. But like my relationship with pink, I hadn’t seen the pattern until I paused long enough to ask why.
This movie became a landmark on my personal growth map. It genuinely changed the way I see myself and the world. So of course, it made sense to return to it now, as comfort content I could experience through the lens of intentional healing.
One of the coolest things about re-watching something (or re-reading, or re-listening) is that the content stays the same, but I’ve changed. I’m not the same person who watched it the first time. So I notice different things. Different characters and messages resonate. I bring new insights and lived experiences to the table.
When I first saw Barbie, I related deeply to Ken. I felt invisible. I felt like I only mattered if I had approval from others. I was struggling in every area of my life. But when I rewatched it this week, I saw myself more in Stereotypical Barbie. I feel like I’ve metaphorically chosen the Birkenstock. I’m on this journey to find myself, to heal, to celebrate who I am.
There will be hard days. I will absolutely feel like Depression Barbie sometimes. I expect that. But I’m not afraid of it anymore. I’m learning to be okay with the mess of it. I’m reconnecting with my inner child. I know this work is worth doing.
Being intentional with my content is helping me stay present and mindful. It’s reminding me that I can be gentle with myself—rest, comfort myself with familiar favorites, and still be awake to new insights. I can take care of my heart and mind at the same time.
Also, like Ruth, I too always think best at kitchen tables. That’s where I’m sitting now, writing this post. It’s where I’ve written most of them, actually.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for witnessing this season of rediscovery. Stay tuned for more tales from the life of Bailz. 💜
This morning I kept my promise to myself that I would get myself up and moving on the walk pad within 30 minutes of waking. I had only a few minutes to spare before I hit the 30-minute mark, but I did it. After I brushed my teeth, high-fived myself in the mirror, put on my walking shoes, and pulled out the walk pad, I put on another episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast on YouTube and I got to stepping.
I can’t say that I genuinely wanted to be walking right then, but I was so excited that I was doing it—because I had promised myself that I would. I DID IT! I kept a promise to myself, and not an easy one. I could have come up with a million excuses. I could have told myself I’d fit it in later. I could have done anything else. But I didn’t. I got my ass up and walking with intention, and it felt good.
I walked my full 45 minutes, I learned about 7 little things I can do to improve my life from Mel, and I worked up a good sweat (gross, but yay!). When I was done, I took a few minutes to drink some water and just enjoy how my body felt. Then I switched from Mel to Yoga with Adriene and did a 20-minute practice targeting a healthy body.
By the time I was done, I was DONE—at least physically. I felt good but also very tired. My body needed some TLC, so I decided it was time for a shower. I took my time and enjoyed the hot water. While I was amongst the suds and steam, I felt an internal jolt. I was struck with a very strong impulse to share my blog on my personal Instagram and Facebook accounts. I know it’s not polished. I know I need to work on the presentation. I know it’s a little all over the place right now. But I wanted to share it.
My inner critic still tried her hardest to talk me out of it: “Just wait until you’re really ready! It’s not perfect yet! You still have so much work to do. It doesn’t look professional!” First of all… of course it doesn’t look professional… IT ISN’T. Second of all… the whole point of this is the process. This is part of the process.
Once I got dressed, I went into the kitchen to get started on sharing and working on my next post. I saw a package addressed to me on the counter. When I looked at who it was from, my heart sank.
Two weeks ago, our beloved dog, Chelsea, crossed the rainbow bridge after 9 years with us at the age of 15. The grief has been heavy, but this project has been helping me navigate it. The package on the counter was a prescription refill for Chelsea. It was a new prescription, I forgot it was on autoship. I hadn’t read the reminder emails clearly—I just assumed it was time to re-order and chose not to. And now, here it was… an opportunity for me to slip into old habits, showing up in full force.
Let me tell you how Old Bailz would have reacted:
Burst into tears because she was already overwhelmed and this would’ve pushed her over the edge.
Beat herself up for not reading the emails carefully and letting this slip through the cracks.
Procrastinated doing anything about it and pretended it didn’t happen.
Not told her husband out of embarrassment and fear of “getting in trouble” over an expensive medication.
(FYI: This has nothing to do with how my husband would actually react, and everything to do with my inner critic beating me to shit.)
But today was different. Because I’ve been doing the work—and because I had already shown up for myself with momentum—I didn’t do any of those things.
Here’s what I did instead: I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I opened the package, checked the shipping invoice, logged into the vet pharmacy website, and canceled the autoship. Then I looked into returning the unopened medication. I didn’t stop to overthink—I just kept doing.
Heath was working from home. When he came into the kitchen for water, I told him immediately what was going on. No hesitation. And he wasn’t upset. He wasn’t mad. He wasn’t anything but calm. Old Bailz would have worked herself into a total panic over nothing.
I reached out to customer service and explained that our sweet girl had passed away. I didn’t even know if they accepted returns for medication, but I tried. I sent the message, and then I realized what had just happened: I was moving through life with more ease. I wasn’t stuck in my head. I was present. I tackled the task instead of avoiding it. That’s growth.
And then I took that momentum, opened Instagram, and started crafting my announcement post about my blog. Was the inner critic still there? Absolutely. But she was quieter this time. Just a little.
I followed through anyway. I shared my blog even though it’s a work in progress. Because like I said yesterday—it’s not about what it looks like. It’s about what it means. I promised to be open and vulnerable, so I invited people in before it was perfect. Because it will never be perfect. If not now, when?
After posting, I felt a huge rush of energy. Old Bailz would’ve mistaken it for anxiety and gone spiraling—checking for likes, refreshing stats, looking for proof she hadn’t made a mistake. But not today. Today I sat with it and realized… this was excitement. Joy. Self-pride.
I didn’t let fear win. I didn’t procrastinate. I didn’t hide. I moved forward—messy, honest, alive. And that? That’s worth celebrating.
I don’t know where all of this is leading yet. But I do know this:
I’m showing up.
I’m keeping promises to myself.
I’m moving forward, one aligned choice at a time.
And right now, in this moment, that is more than enough.
I’m proud. I’m healing. I’m becoming. And I’m documenting it—messy, raw, beautiful, and true.
Thank you for being here and witnessing more of this journey. Stay tuned for more tales from the life of Bailz! 💜
Today I spent most of my afternoon fiddling with the layout of my blog. I kept telling myself I’d take a break, go do something else, step away from the screen—but I kept coming back to mess with it. I was so focused on how other people might navigate the site, how they’d perceive it, how it might need to look if it suddenly got popular overnight (as if!).
I kept thinking: This should be simple. Why am I struggling with this so much? Why can’t I find the perfect preset theme already made and waiting for me?
But then—
I caught myself. I realized I was holding my breath. So I stopped what I was doing, sat back in my chair, and took a few slow, deep breaths.
And in that stillness, I heard it: I was worrying about other people again. Their opinions. Their expectations. Their judgment. I was more concerned with how they would feel about my site than how I felt about it.
Reminder to Self: This Blog Is for Me First
If you’re here and reading this, I’m genuinely so stoked. I really am. I hope you stick around and keep coming back.
But that’s not why I’m writing this blog. That’s not the why I clung to when I finally decided to get started.
I’m writing this blog to reconnect with myself. To tell the truth. To document my journey back to my own voice and values. I hope it reaches the right people. I hope I find my little corner of community. But for now, this is about me showing up for myself.
Today reminded me of that.
Learning as I Go (and Failing Gracefully)
I am not a web designer. I’ve never studied it. I’ve never even dabbled in it, really. It’s no wonder I don’t know what I’m doing. But I’ve been acting like I should just know—like the knowledge should magically exist in my head just because I want it to.
But no one is born knowing how to build websites. No one is born knowing how to do anything, really.
So here’s the new goal I’m setting for myself: Learn how to use WordPress efficiently—just a little bit every day.
And in the meantime, thank you for bearing with me as this site goes through some visual changes and growing pains. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m going to figure it out.
Walking Update & A Podcast Shift
Today I also got in my 45 minutes on the walkpad. My original plan was to watch an episode of New Girl, but I felt a pull toward something different—so I put on an episode of the Mel Robbins podcast instead. I started with one about decluttering, but something in me said, “Nope, not this one. Not today.”
So I switched to an episode about changing the way you see the world and shifting your self-talk. And from the very first few minutes, I knew this was the message I was meant to hear today.
Tripping, But Still Moving Forward
Physically speaking? I was way off balance today. I tripped no fewer than three times during my walk. Like—real, hard, near face-plant trips. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up with a busted lip or bruised ego.
After each trip, I paused. I stepped off the walkpad. I caught my breath. I told myself I was safe. I sipped some water. And every time, I had the same thought: “Maybe I should stop. That was scary. What if I get hurt?”
But each time, I said: “Nope. I haven’t hit 45 minutes yet. Get back up there.”
And I did. I kept going. I finished all 45 minutes. I genuinely feel proud of myself for that.
Side note: I count my walking time based on the actual movement timer on the walkpad. Breaks aren’t included. It’s 45 full minutes of moving feet.
I kept a promise to myself today. And that matters.
Showing Up Honestly
I also promised myself I’d be honest here. Transparent. That I’d show the mess and the magic.
And with this post, I’ve done that. This is me showing up. This is a real moment. A real day. A real entry in the journey.
Documented. Done. Huzzah.
Thanks for being here. Stay tuned for more tales from the life of Bailz. 💜
One of the things I am focusing on in my journey right now is intentional movement. I’ve never been someone who worked out consistently—I never really valued what I thought it brought to my life. I didn’t like getting sweaty and I didn’t like feeling weak, and as far as I knew then, that was all that working out was. So… no, thanks.
What I have now realized is that I was not working out in a way that worked for me. I was doing what everyone else was doing, and it wasn’t ever clicking. Because I am not like everyone else. Never have been, don’t ever want to be. Tried that, didn’t fit.
Up until a few years ago, I had it in my head that if I was going to be in shape or work out, I needed to be a runner. So every once in a while I would decide I was going to be a runner and I would push myself and hate it and burn out and drop it—until the next time I decided to force it again. We were on a pretty much once-a-year cycle, give or take.
Now, with my focus on looking inward for answers instead of externally, I’ve found and leaned into walking. We bought a walk pad a while ago, and over the past week I have actually been making a point to use it consistently. My current routine is: I put on New Girl and walk for 45 minutes. I take breaks as needed, and I am as gentle with myself as possible. I know that if I criticize myself, I will end up not walking anymore—and that is not what I want. I want to walk. I want to move my body with intention. So I am. No matter how many times I feel the need to stop for a water break. No matter how tired I might feel. I walk for 45 minutes total each session.
I’m also doing yoga every day. A few years ago, I discovered Yoga with Adriene on YouTube and she changed the game for me. I sincerely adore her. First of all, she is hilarious and relatable and real. I love that—and I need that. She also has a HUGE catalog of videos and I can find something for any specific need I’m wanting to target. Thirdly, I always genuinely feel better when I get to the end of her practices. I may be tired and sore and looking extra forward to an Epsom salt bath later, but deep down, I feel good. Because I did it for ME.
Full disclosure: when I first started with her beginner videos, I was TERRIBLE. I had zero balance and I was genuinely struggling to do all the poses and make it to the end. But ultimately, I enjoyed the videos, I enjoyed Adriene, and I enjoyed moving my body without sweating excessively. So I kept coming back—and one day, I noticed a difference in how my body moved and felt. I wasn’t wobbling during poses I had before. And that felt GOOD. I was hooked after that. I wanted to see how not wobbly I could get. I kept up with it for about six months and I could see and feel huge differences in myself. I was truly becoming a yoga girlie. Scratch that—I WAS a yoga girlie. And I felt physically in alignment with myself for the first time in a long time.
Eventually, life happened. I lost my focus, depression and anxiety crept back into my days, and I stopped doing yoga as much—if at all. I didn’t notice the differences at first, but then I was getting knots and cricks I couldn’t remedy myself. I was needing to go to the chiropractor—and even that wasn’t really doing the trick. If you’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, you know that sometimes the pain just blends in with the rest of the shittiness, and you don’t feel motivated to change it. “Why bother?” becomes a very common refrain. At least for me. And it really sucks.
When I buckled down and decided to commit to this healing journey, I knew that taking care of my body had to be a big part of it. Every day, whether I feel like it or not, I do a Yoga with Adriene video or my own practice based on what I’ve learned from her. I’m not requiring myself to walk on the walk pad every day, but I am requiring yoga every day. Even if it’s just 10 minutes. Sometimes 5 if I’m really not feeling it—like on Day 1 of my period. You will not catch me doing a full hour practice on Day 1 of my period. It ain’t happening, bro. But I can manage 5–10 minutes of slow, intentional flow.
I know my body and mind benefit from it. I know it’s contributing to my well-being. And I know if I let myself skip once, it’ll be easier to skip again—and I’m really working on keeping promises to myself. This one especially.
Through all of my self-reflection recently, I’ve realized that when I worked out before, I was doing it so I could tell people I worked out and hopefully they’d be impressed. It had nothing to do with the benefits to my body or spirit. I only cared about the bragging rights. And thus, it never became a real habit. It was only when I realized that I was worthy of taking care of that it finally stuck. That part might’ve been the hardest.
I still have to make myself do yoga and walk—but it’s not as hard, and it’s definitely not as forced. I know that as soon as I get started, I’ll be happy I did. The hardest part is always getting started.
Up until now, I’ve been practicing and walking in the afternoons, but I’d like to move it into my mornings going forward. Starting tomorrow, my goal is to get on the walk pad within 30 minutes of waking, and then do yoga after that. Hopefully the momentum will carry me through the day with a heightened energy level.
I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes.
Thank you for being here! Stay tuned for more tales from the life of Bailz.
Bailz Has a Blog 