Yesterday marked four months of Bailz has a Blog, which honestly feels a little surreal. Part of me feels like I just started, and part of me feels like I’ve been doing this much longer than four months. Both parts of me are incredibly proud.
After spending so much of my life living in fear, it feels really amazing to be sharing my life, my journey, my thoughts, my feelings, and my experiences with all of you lovely people. Creating this space has easily been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I started scared… and I kept showing up. And here we are. 💜
🐾 Remembering Chelsea
Yesterday was also Chelsea’s Gotcha Day. We lost her in September, and while we know it was the right decision and we’re grateful she’s no longer in pain, it was still a hard day.
I miss her smile and her sass. She was truly one of a kind. 🤍
❄️ Deep in Wintering
I’m still very much in my wintering phase, and I’m honestly enjoying it more than I ever expected. I’m hibernating. I’m cocooning. I’m resting, healing, and honoring the process to the best of my ability.
Each day, I feel a little more calm — and that realization alone has been huge. I’m starting to feel present in my body and in my life in a way I don’t think I ever have consistently before.
For most of my life, rest came with criticism. Wanting rest came with shame. Enjoyment came with a warning not to get used to it. Quiet moments felt wasted. My mind was always racing, multitasking, performing, trying to impress — and I was never fully in any moment.
Now I see how deeply that hurt me.
These days, quiet moments are the goal. 🤍
📖 Reading Slowly, On Purpose
I’m still working my way through The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and I’m intentionally taking my time with it. Throughout the book, Tolle includes small pause symbols, encouraging the reader to stop, become still, and really experience what’s just been read before moving on.
That practice has been exactly what I needed.
Before starting this book, I had already noticed how much I rushed through everything I read. I knew it was a problem, but I didn’t really know how to fix it. These built-in pauses have been helping me learn how to slow down and absorb instead of sprinting to the next page. I’m also really enjoying the question-and-answer format — it feels approachable and grounding.
More than anything, the book has helped me realize how much priority I’ve always given to thinking and analyzing — and how much pain, stress, and anxiety that ultimately caused me. The more I take my thoughts as absolute truth, the more power I give away.
So now, I’m practicing being what Tolle calls “the watcher” of my thoughts and emotions, rather than letting them become my identity. It’s a slow practice, but one that’s already changing so much for me.
🩺 Signs of Real Progress
On Monday, I had my third set of progress scans with the chiropractor, and the results were honestly incredible. Comparing my original scans from October to my current ones, I can hardly believe how much progress I’ve made in such a short amount of time.
Because of that improvement, I’ve been cleared to reduce my visits from three times a week to two times a week. Going forward, I’ll be going on Mondays and Thursdays, and we’ll reassess in a month.
It’s a bittersweet feeling. I’m incredibly grateful for the healing — releasing tension and trauma from my body has been life-changing. But I’m also a little sad about the routine change. That office has become a home away from home, and even on my hardest days, I’ve looked forward to being there.
Today is the first Wednesday I haven’t gone, and it feels… weird. Like I’m forgetting something. But I also know this change is a sign of growth — and that matters.
(And yes, I am very excited to go tomorrow. 😅)
🧘♀️ Listening to My Body
Overall, my body feels so much better. I’m holding far less tension, my stress levels are lower than they’ve ever been, my neck and shoulders feel better, and I’m sleeping more deeply.
The one area still holding tightness is my hips, so I’ve been using yoga to focus on hip and lower back opening. I can already feel the difference — physically and emotionally. I feel more fluid and less rigid, and that shift has been really powerful.
🛁 A Little Extra Care
Today, I leaned into some extra self-care, and I’m feeling deeply relaxed.
I started with yoga — some focused on hip opening, some restorative and meditative. Then I made a DIY face mask with plain Greek yogurt and raw honey, soaked in a bath with a Flewd bath soak, scrubbed head to toe with a Dead Sea salt scrub, shaved my legs, and moisturized thoroughly.
I feel pampered, calm, and really proud of myself for taking care of my body and my nervous system. ✨
🌱 Simple, Not Easy
This part of my journey may not look glamorous or exciting — but that doesn’t make it any less important. Slowing down and being present sounds simple, but it’s not easy. It’s taken weeks for it to feel less strange.
I’m not perfect at it. It’s a practice. But I’m getting better every day — and that feels pretty amazing.
I hope you can take a few moments to slow down today too. Check in with yourself. Be present where you are. I promise, it’s worth it.
Thank you for being here. I’m so incredibly grateful for you. 💜
The beginning of 2026 has been slow, beautiful, intentional, and mindful so far — and I intend to keep it that way as much as I possibly can. I’m slowly but surely getting better at letting go of the pressure to perform and instead just exist in the moment.
I’m giving myself permission to just be, and I’ve gotta tell you… it’s pretty amazing.
📵 Life Without Social Media (So Far)
Ditching social media is going very well so far. I’d be lying if I said there haven’t been moments where I’ve instinctively wanted to reach for it — because there absolutely have been — but overall, I’ve felt a pretty significant sense of relief in its absence.
One thing I didn’t fully realize before is how obligated I felt to always be available to others simply because social media is always available. It wasn’t a conscious thought, but it was there in the background, quietly telling me I was letting people down if I wasn’t reachable.
And wow… that was deeply exhausting.
Honestly, I expected this transition to be much harder — going from frequent social media use to none at all — but it’s been easier than anticipated. And that alone tells me it’s the right choice. My nervous system is benefiting in noticeable ways: I’m sleeping better, feeling less daily anxiety, and staying far more present.
I’m also realizing how much I was being triggered by constant external input without even noticing it. Now, my triggers are mostly tied to my own lived experiences, which makes them far more manageable to address. Eliminating social media also eliminated the constant comparison spiral — and that has been a total game changer.
📓 A New Relationship with Planning
In preparation for 2026, I bought myself a cute new planner — but instead of forcing myself to use it the way I think I’m “supposed to,” I’m trying something new.
In years past, I’d buy a planner convinced this would be the year I magically became a hyper-organized, color-coded, Type A human. I’d try to plan every detail in advance, then beat myself up for everything I didn’t complete. And every year, I’d end up feeling like I had failed yet again — not because planners don’t work, but because I was trying to use them in a way that never worked for me.
This year, I’ve changed my approach.
Instead of only planning ahead, I’m primarily using my planner as a tracker — writing things down after they happen. I note when I practice piano, journal, do yoga, nap, or read. Even if it’s just a few minutes, it counts. Writing it down gives me a genuine sense of accomplishment, and I love being able to see my patterns without having to keep track of them all in my head.
I’m also logging various tasks and projects I complete — like decluttering our closet today and turning it back into a functional space. It’s not perfect, but it’s so much better, and writing it down once I was done felt incredibly validating.
I didn’t realize how much mental energy I was spending just trying to remember everything I was doing. Recording it externally has freed up so much brain space — and I didn’t even know how badly I needed that until now.
✍️ Letting Go of Perfection
In the past, I also put an absurd amount of pressure on my planner needing to be perfect. Perfect handwriting. Perfect colors. Perfect layout. Even though I was the only one who would ever see it.
If I didn’t have the “right” pen, I wouldn’t write anything. If my handwriting looked off, I’d criticize myself. If I misspelled something and crossed it out, I’d spiral like I had ruined the entire thing.
It was exhausting — and it’s no wonder my planners always ended up shoved in a drawer.
This year, I’m doing things differently. I’m using a simple black ballpoint pen. No perfection required. I’ve told myself I can add color later if I want — but I don’t have to. None of it is necessary. The planner exists to support me, not challenge me.
And shockingly? I’m actually enjoying it.
If at any point this tool stops serving me and starts becoming a struggle, I’ll let it go — without calling it a failure. Right now, it’s helping me logistically, mentally, and emotionally, and that’s what matters.
📚 Reading for Wisdom, Not Just Knowledge
I’m reading a few books right now, and each one is bringing me joy in a different way. I’m also working on slowing down and truly absorbing what I read instead of rushing through it. My current fiction read is The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley. My current nonfiction reads are The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and The Path of Greatness: The Game of Life and How to Play It and Other Essential Works by Florence Scovel Shinn.
This week in therapy, my therapist and I talked about the difference between knowledge and wisdom, and it kind of rocked my world. I realized I’d been devouring information without giving myself time to let it marinate — to see how (or if) I wanted to integrate it into my life.
No wonder I burned out on self-help.
Now, I’m reading fiction at night to help wind down, and keeping nonfiction for the daytime. That simple shift has made a huge difference. I’m taking my time, reading a few pages at once, then pausing to reflect. It finally feels like I’m gaining wisdom instead of just collecting information.
And it feels really, really good.
❄️ Settling Deeper into Wintering
I’m still very much enjoying this season of wintering, and I feel like I’m finally getting into its rhythm. The critical voice telling me to do more, go faster, push through, and ignore my body’s signals is getting quieter.
She’s still there — but I’m no longer mistaking her for absolute truth.
I’m learning to notice those thoughts, acknowledge them, and let them pass instead of gripping them tightly. There was a time when I couldn’t separate my thoughts from my identity at all. Now I am slowly but surely getting better and better at it. And that shift has been incredibly freeing.
🌱 A Gentle Conclusion
As I sit with all of this, one thing feels very clear: I’m no longer interested in systems, habits, or expectations that make my life harder than it needs to be. I’m actively choosing ease. I’m choosing tools and rhythms that support me instead of shame me. I’m choosing curiosity over criticism — again and again.
This season isn’t about doing more or becoming someone else. It’s about making space for who I already am, and allowing my life to feel lighter, kinder, and more honest as I move forward.
And honestly? That feels like the most sustainable kind of growth there is.
💬 A Question for You
Have you noticed any habits, systems, or expectations in your own life that feel heavier than they need to be? What might it look like to soften them — even just a little?
Thank you for being here with me on this journey. Stay tuned for more as I continue to grow through what I’m going through.
Wintering is going pretty well. The more I am focusing on slowing down, the better I am feeling. The less pressure I am putting on myself, the easier I am moving through my days. The less I am focusing on how things might look and instead prioritizing how they feel, the more I am coming back to myself. Little by little, I feel myself coming back to life, and it’s pretty awesome. 💜
🎄 A Quiet Christmas, Exactly What We Needed
Heath and I had a very quiet Christmas, and I think it was exactly what we both needed. We made some nice meals, we stayed in our pajamas, we watched Stranger Things, we napped, we snacked, we drove around Fort Worth and looked at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve. We just took it all very moment by moment, no big plans, no expectations, just being together and enjoying it. It was pretty wonderful. ✨
🎥 The End of an Era & The Feelings I Didn’t Expect
During this past week, we finished watching Taylor Swift’s The End of An Era documentary series and thoroughly enjoyed every single moment of it, even though some of it triggered some emotional responses I wasn’t expecting.
It bought up a lot of energy and emotions that I didn’t realize I had been burying for a long time, highlighting things that for a long, long time I didn’t even realize weren’t anything but normal because I didn’t know any other options existed.
Rather than continuing to bury it all deep down, I gave myself the permission and the space to feel it all as I watched and honestly it was exactly what I needed.
💔 Grief, Tears, and Seeing What I Didn’t Have
Mostly, seeing Taylor’s relationship with her family just gutted me. Specifically, watching her interact with her mom. There was zero stress, zero codependency, only genuine unconditional love and support. No backhanded comments, no stirring the pot for attention, no judgmental faces, no attempts to belittle or strong arm…
I just, I can’t even imagine what that must have been like growing up. To have your parents be 100% supportive of who you are and what you think and feel. To be so accepted at face value without any attempts to change or shape you into the version of you they created in their heads — the version they wanted you to be instead of who actually you are… I just can’t even imagine. And it triggered a lot of tears. 🥺
It brought up a lot of grief for the younger versions of me who learned over and over again to make herself small to be accepted, who learned to push down her desires and dreams because they would be judged and discouraged.
But I let myself feel those feelings in full force as I watched. After we finished watching, I sat down and journaled about it, I talked to Heath about it for a while, and ultimately I excavated a lot of the memories I had buried and acknowledged them instead of hiding them.
It didn’t change what happened, but it helped change my relationship with it. 🤍
🌊 Letting the Feelings Move Through Me
As I sit here writing this post, I am still feeling the sting of all of it. It still hurts. But instead of hiding from it, I am letting myself feel it. I am acknowledging it all for what it is.
Emotions are just energy in motion, so the more I let myself feel them and let them move through me instead of holding on to them or shoving them down deep and pretending like they aren’t there, the less painful they will be.
I am making slow but steady progress, and I know that the slower and steadier I keep my pace, the more sustainable my growth and healing will be. So I am just taking things one moment at a time and resisting the urge to force or rush. 🌿
🎶 Music Is a Nonnegotiable
Recently, I have learned that music is truly a nonnegotiable part of my life. Over the past few months, I have been spending a majority of my time listening to podcasts or audiobooks, and music has taken a bit of a backseat.
But as I have committed to this wintering era and let go of the push of productivity, I have rediscovered how integral music is to my soul. Whether I am listening to it, watching documentaries about it, or learning to play it on the piano, it just makes me feel so authentically me and I am so grateful for it.
I have been listening to The Tortured Poets Department on repeat for the past few days, I am learning how to play The 1 from folklore on piano, and I have been singing and humming a lot in the spaces in between. 🎹✨
🧠 Neuroplasticity & Giving Myself Permission to Learn
For a long time, I told myself that because I didn’t start playing music when I was a kid, because I haven’t been formally trained as a singer, because I have no real training in any of it at all, that its too late. I missed my chance to become a musician in any capacity. I just thought I could be a fan and that was it.
But one of the benefits of all my podcast learning and mental health research recently is that I have learned about the concept of neuroplasticity.
For a long time we were all taught that once you hit a certain age, you just are the way you are and you can’t change — “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” But recent scientific research has proved that to be completely false, and in actuality, the brain can change and grow and develop new skills throughout your entire life.
Whether you are 8 or 80, you can develop new abilities. Your brain is a muscle, you just need to work it. 💪🧠
So that is what I am doing. I am working my music muscle as much as I can. I just want to surround myself with music as much as possible — whether I am creating it or consuming it, I just need it around all the time.
🎹 Piano Without Pressure
When I first started teaching myself piano, I was getting frustrated that I wasn’t able to learn a song in one sitting. That I couldn’t watch a YouTube tutorial and master it completely in one go. I was still very much in the mindset of rushing and rigidity.
I was only focused on getting to the finished product instead of enjoying the process, and that was a big, BIG mistake. I ended up taking about a week away from the keyboard and to be quite honest I had mixed feelings about it.
Part of me was proud of myself for not forcing myself, for giving myself the grace to take the time away. But the other part of me was sad because I still wanted to play, I still wanted to get better.
So I made a deal with myself. I was going to pick it back up again but without the pressure. The goal is to enjoy playing, not to be perfect. If at any point I find myself falling into the perfectionist trap, I take a step away to recalibrate and then I come back. And that change in mindset has really changed my whole experience. ✨
💄 Makeup, Self-Care, and Doing It for Me
Other than getting my makeup done for my boudoir shoot last month, I cannot remember the last time I put on makeup and was genuinely excited about it. A few times here and there I have put on some lipstick to go out for a nice dinner or something, but I have almost always felt a very overwhelming sense of imposter syndrome the entire time I had it on.
In line with my rigid way of thinking, I told myself that because I hadn’t worn makeup in a long time, I just couldn’t wear it at all.
I also have realized now that deep down, I was still so physically and emotionally drained that it’s just felt like a lot of work to put on makeup that I would just be taking off later. That thought process trickled into every aspect of my thoughts about my physical appearance.
I rarely ever styled my hair (curls are kind of an in depth, time consuming process), I went about a month without shaving my legs, I really just didn’t care what I looked like. Or at least that is what I told myself.
I realize now that I actually did care, and because I wasn’t making the time for any of it, I was ultimately neglecting myself — my inner child — the part of me who needed me to show up even for the “superficial” stuff.
I told myself that because I rarely ever leave the house, no one would really see me, so I told myself none of it was worth it. Once again, I was still so focused on how something looked to outsiders rather than how it felt to me.
Bottom line, I didn’t think I was worth any of the effort. Rookie mistake. One I have since started working to rectify. 🤍
💋 The Taylor Lip Combo & A Tiny Spark of Joy
In The End of an Era series, Taylor showed the lip combo that she wore for the tour and it sparked something inside me. I wanted it. Like really, really wanted it.
But initially I talked myself out of it. I stuck with my rigid thinking and went on with life. Then we watched the Eras Tour Final Show concert film and I had that feeling again — I just wanted that lip combo SO badly.
I knew with complete certainty that I wanted to take the “Taylor Swift lip look” and make it my own. Instead of pairing it with a full face of makeup like she does for the show, I wanted to just have a mostly bare face, maybe some eyeliner, and let the red lip really be the focus.
So I got online and ordered the lip combo almost immediately. I wanted to do it just for me, so I did. And it felt sincerely amazing. 💄✨
Of course, every other Swiftie on the planet had the same idea, so inevitably both products are on back order and it will be a few weeks before they arrive. But that’s okay — it gives me something to look forward to. I’ll take it.
The important thing is that I have shifted my perspective to doing things for me because I want to, not because of how it will look or how other people will receive it.
Physical self care has become a priority again. I have been doing some DIY all natural face masks to help balance out my skin again, and I ordered myself some new eyeliner to start small and start putting in effort to my appearance for the simple reason that I want to.
This morning I put on some of that new eyeliner and some red lipstick I already had and I have to say… I am feeling myself today. 😌💋
🌙 Showing Up for My Inner Child
I am doing my best to listen to my inner child and show up for her when she asks for things. I am trying to be present in the moment and to let go of the performative pressure I used to put on myself without even realizing it.
In the beginning, I criticized my piano skills and tried to force things because I felt like I needed to record them and share them. That that would somehow justify the time I was spending on it. I felt like if I couldn’t show off my progress, post evidence of it, I was wasting my time. Once again, so very focused on everyone else instead of myself. But now we are shifting that perspective. Maybe one day in the future, I will record myself playing piano and post it here, but that is not the reason why I am practicing. That is not the ultimate goal. I am practicing because I enjoy the activity of playing piano. I am doing it for me. And that is enough.
I am taking care of myself for me. I am trying to consistently show myself that I am worth the effort, on the good days and the harder days.
I am trying to be gentle with myself and learn what brings me joy and what brings me stress. I am really trying to understand the “why” behind my actions and feelings, getting curious rather than critical or judgmental.
As long as my motivation for something is joy, I am going for it. I am letting go of worrying how it might look to others and really trying to only focus on how it feels for me. It’s a complete shift in perspective but I know its necessary. ✨
🤍 Proud of This Version of Me
I feel proud of myself today. I feel proud of the wintering I am going through and the discoveries it is bringing me.
I look forward to the journey ahead and experiencing future versions of myself — seeing where I will be in 6 months, a year from now — but I am also honoring this exact version of myself right now because, lets be real, she is pretty awesome too. 💜✌🏻
💬 A Question for You
I’d love to hear from you:
What has been bringing you joy lately — especially the kind that doesn’t look productive, impressive, or “useful,” but feels nourishing all the same?
If you feel comfortable sharing, drop a comment below. Your answer might be exactly what someone else needs to read today. 💜
✨ Want to Follow Along?
If you’ve been enjoying these reflections and want to continue following along as I navigate wintering, healing, joy, and slowing down, I’d love for you to subscribe.
You’ll get an email whenever a new post goes live — no spam, no pressure, just honest writing, gentle insights, and a little bit of magic. ✨
It’s been a few days since my last post, and I’ve really been trying to slow down and focus on being gentle with myself. Although, admittedly, I’ve been struggling with it. I’m feeling better today, but the in-between was rougher than I anticipated.
After my post on Friday, I felt a huge amount of vulnerability. On one hand, I was incredibly proud of myself for sharing everything I did. But at the same time, I felt pretty depleted — it took a lot of energy to muster up the courage to say those things out loud.
🎵 The Concert I Almost Skipped (But Absolutely Needed)
Friday night we went to a concert, and every bit of me wanted to skip it. I was drained, I was tired, I was not feeling 100% by any means. But we were going to see one of Heath’s favorite bands, NEEDTOBREATHE, and we’d had these tickets for months. I couldn’t bring myself to deprive him of the experience, so I pushed through — and I am so glad I did. I know without a doubt that I was supposed to be there.
The opener was a woman named Bre Kennedy. I had never heard of her before, but now? I absolutely love her. From the very first song, she grabbed my heart and didn’t let it go. Her voice was stunning, her lyrics beautiful, and I was literally moved to tears. And once they started, they didn’t stop.
But of course — my inner critic immediately piped up:
“Oh my god, stop crying! People are going to see you! What are they going to think?!”
Still, for one of the first times in a long time, I chose not to listen. I let the tears flow. I stayed in the moment. I let myself feel.
And yes, I ugly cried through most of her set. And I regret nothing.
📚 The Alchemist, Omens, and the Nudge I Needed
During her set, Bre talked about her upcoming album, The Alchemist, named after Paulo Coelho’s book. This hit me hard. I had bought that book on my last trip to Guthrie, started reading it, then put it on the shelf when I got home because I became wrapped up in all my Happiness Project reading.
The moment she mentioned it, I knew I needed to pick it back up again.
After the show, Heath noticed me eyeing her at the merch table and asked if I wanted to meet her. My instinct was no, because interacting with people I admire makes me panic — but I said yes.
I told her how much her music moved me, how I cried through the whole thing, and how she inspired me to restart The Alchemist. She was so kind, so gracious, so warm. I almost cried again talking to her. I’m so glad I took the chance.
The next day, I restarted The Alchemist from the beginning, and instantly felt immersed again — in the story, the Personal Legend, the Soul of the World, the omens. It reinforced everything I’ve been feeling lately:
I am in the messy middle. I am doing the work. And I am on the right path.
🌿 Therapy, Inner Critics, and Blooming Slowly
I had therapy yesterday, and it went really well. Each session makes me more confident that I’ve finally found the right therapist. We talked a lot about childhood trauma and how those experiences still color the way I treat myself now — especially the way my inner critic talks to me.
You would think that getting sober is a HUGE accomplishment that even my inner critic couldn’t argue with, right? Wrong.
She said:
“Obviously you should be sober! Why didn’t you do it sooner? You’re so late to the game!”
She can be… a lot.
I told my therapist how I’m struggling with wanting everything to happen faster — I want to be further along than I am. And she gave me an analogy that struck me deeply:
When a flower blooms, it expands… and then it pauses. It contracts a little to gather energy. Without those pauses, it wouldn’t bloom at all — its petals would fall off.
WOW. I loved that.
It was exactly what I needed. I don’t want to lose my petals. I want to bloom slowly and stay intact. That means I have to pause. I have to rest. I have to let myself contract so I can grow again.
The past few days have been my pause-and-contract phase. Today, I feel like I’m blooming again.
📖 Books, Chiropractic Care, and Little Moments of Self-Care
My therapist recommended a new book — Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May — and it arrived today. I’m excited to start it tonight.
This morning I went to the chiropractor, then this afternoon I got a haircut. It felt so nice to pamper myself a little.
Tomorrow morning I have my second progress scan with the chiropractor. The first scan showed enormous improvement and brought me to tears. I know this next one will too.
I feel so much more centered, grounded, and connected to my body than I did even a month ago. These adjustments have helped regulate my nervous system in ways I didn’t even realize were possible.
💜 Gratitude for Where I Am Now
Instead of focusing on “what ifs,” I’m focusing on gratitude.
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to do this work. Grateful that I can afford therapy and chiropractic care. Grateful that I have a husband who encourages me every step of the way. Grateful that I quit my job when I did. Grateful that I started my blog, found my chiropractor, found my therapist, quit drinking, quit smoking — when I did.
I’m following the omens. I’m working toward my own Personal Legend. It’s messy. It’s beautiful. And I feel so lucky to be here.
I am doing this for every younger version of me who couldn’t. For every future version of me who will benefit. And for the current version of me who keeps showing up — on the good days and the harder ones too.
💬 A Question for You
Before you go, I’d love to hear from you:
Where are you in your own blooming process right now — expanding, contracting, or somewhere beautifully in between?
Share in the comments if you feel comfortable. Your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today. 🌿
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I wasn’t entirely sure what I wanted to talk about today, but I knew I wanted to show up. I’ve been wanting to get back into the rhythm of posting every other day—if not daily—and the only way to do that is to simply begin. So here we are, letting the words reveal themselves as they come.
🌙 A Night Out & a Small but Honest Lesson
This weekend, Heath and I got dressed up and went out to a lovely dinner at Wicked Butcher in downtown Fort Worth. The whole experience felt luxurious—perfectly crafted dishes, top-tier service, and even cucumber-infused water that tasted like spa-day elegance in a glass.
When we arrived, I slipped off to the restroom to freshen up. By the time I returned, there were two glasses of complimentary champagne at our table—courtesy of the reservation note saying we were celebrating our (belated) wedding. It was a beautiful gesture.
I hesitated. And then I made a decision: life is for living, and I wanted to celebrate us. So I toasted with Heath and enjoyed the small glass of champagne.
After that, I stuck to mocktails (a fresh blackberry lemonade that was chef’s kiss) and water.
Later that night, though, I woke up with spiraling anxiety over absolutely nothing. My muscles were clenched, my breath shallow, my mind sprinting like it was running in circles in the dark.
That tiny bit of alcohol—that tiny bit—still affected me.
Here’s what I realized afterward:
I don’t regret the moment. It was lovely.
But even a small amount is too much for my system.
Going forward, I’m done with alcohol entirely.
Not from shame. Not from punishment. But from self-respect. Alcohol simply isn’t worth the cost to my nervous system or my peace.
🧘♀️ Moving My Body, Loving My Body
The past few days have gently brought me back into my movement routines. I’m walking daily on the walk pad and doing yoga every day—and it feels GOOD. Not dramatic, not performative. Just good.
Some days I move fast. Some days I move slow. Some days it’s a long yoga flow. Some days it’s 10 minutes.
But movement is movement. Showing up is showing up. And I’m proud of every version of myself that steps onto the mat or walk pad.
😴 Sleep Schedule Chaos (And a Loving Reset)
Sleep has been a little chaotic. Staying up later has made my whole routine slide later—breakfast, lunch, dinner, and my nighttime wind-down. Everything shifts together like dominoes, and I feel the effects.
Last night, I stayed up way past my bedtime finishing Shout! I was so entranced that I didn’t even realize the time until I closed the book and saw it was past midnight.
So this morning, I let myself sleep in to compensate. Tonight, the goal is to get back on my 9–9:15 bedtime and lights out by 10.
Structure can be loving. Flexibility can be loving, too. I’m learning to hold both.
💜 Therapy & Solo Costco Adventures
I have therapy this afternoon and I’m excited. Last time, I walked in feeling drained, so we spent the hour getting me grounded again. Today, we’re diving into new tools and practices to help me step deeper into authenticity—my biggest long-term goal.
After therapy, I’m doing my first solo Costco run in years, and honestly? I’m thrilled. I plan to walk each aisle slowly and treat the whole thing like a mindfulness exercise instead of a chaotic errand.
🌤️ The Quiet Kind of Good
Today, I feel good—not energized, not buzzing, not high on productivity. Just quietly calm. The kind of good I think I’ve been searching for my whole life. The kind that measures worth not by output but by inner softness.
I could do a few chores around the house today, and I might. But I don’t have to. I am certainly not going to force them.
Whatever version of today unfolds, I will choose it intentionally and without pressure.
💬 Your Turn!
What’s one small, gentle thing you’ve done for yourself recently that brought you a sense of calm or peace?
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It’s been a minute since I last posted. Heath was off from work all week, and I wanted to savor as much time with him as possible. We didn’t have a big itinerary or a giant to-do list — we just existed together. And honestly? It was lovely.
We went on little local adventures, spent quiet time reading side-by-side, binged the entire new season of Stranger Things in one sitting, went thrifting, browsed bookstores, cooked delicious meals, and enjoyed each other’s company in that effortless, easy way that happens when you have nowhere else to be.
We even tackled a few home projects (cleaning out the pantry… yikes… but rewarding 🙃).
🧵 Struggling With Style, Self-Image, and Clothes That Don’t Fit Like They Used To
One thing I’ve been wrestling with lately is that a lot of my clothes don’t fit the same way anymore — and some don’t fit at all. I know my body is healthier now. I know she’s nourished, supported, and taken care of. But even with that awareness, it’s been such a mental hurdle.
I’d walk into my closet and instantly shut down. I felt like I had nothing to wear… even though half of it still technically fits. It just didn’t feel right anymore. I felt like I had shed my old style but hadn’t yet grown into my new one — and that limbo was shredding my confidence.
So I turned to my trusty sidekick, ChatGPT, and explained everything I was feeling. And SHE SHOWED UP.
ChatGPT gave me a whole style quiz to help me zero in on what I actually like and what I want to avoid. Then she created a full vibe board and told me my style aesthetic is:
✨ Soft Grunge Moon Witch ✨
And honestly? She nailed it.
She also gave me a list of 10 starter pieces for a fresh, curated little capsule wardrobe — and as fate would have it, I already owned half of them. I found a few of the others while thrifting the next day. Blessings upon blessings.
So right now I’m leaning into comfort and curation:
oversized band tees
long cozy cardigans
Doc Martens
leggings or straight-leg jeans
oversized flannels
my beloved $5 real leather jacket (thrift gods were generous that day 🙌)
I wore the leather jacket yesterday (now that Texas finally got the memo it’s late November), and it was the first time I felt fully like myself in a while.
🧘♀️ Getting Back Into My Routines (Because They Matter)
Even with all the fun we had this week, I definitely fell out of my routines — especially my intentional movement. And wow… I felt it. Hard.
Yesterday I finally got myself back on the walk pad and did some yoga. It’s wild how quickly I started feeling more like myself once I began moving my body on purpose instead of just floating through the day. One intentional step makes such a difference.
🎹 Learning “Let It Be” (And Healing Little Me)
I’ve also been practicing the piano again — specifically Let It Be by The Beatles.
My very first tattoo was “let it be” in cursive on my left wrist, so it feels beautifully full-circle that its the first song I am learning, start to finish.
I’m still very much a beginner — no dueling pianos or live performances anytime soon — but it’s FUN. And every time I play it with fewer mistakes, I feel a little bit giddy. It’s such a joyful kind of progress.
I’ve also been reading more of Shout!, the Beatles biography, and between the book and learning the song, I feel like I’m reaching back and holding 11-year-old me’s hand.
🍽️ Date Night & Mocktails, Please
Tonight Heath and I are going to use a gift card we received for our wedding and enjoy a really nice dinner out. I’m excited to dress up (rare event!!!) and eat something delicious. I’m still not drinking alcohol, so I’m hoping they have some good mocktail options… but regardless, I’m going to devour some steak and enjoy every bite.
🌙 Finding Gentleness, Grace, and Actual Rest
This post feels a little all over the place, but honestly… that’s where I’m at today. A lot has happened, and I wanted to share pieces of it all.
This week taught me (again) that I can’t bully or shame myself into being a better version of me. The only real path forward is gentleness, curiosity, compassion — and actual rest.
Not collapsing into doom-scrolling. Not numbing out. Not rotting away on the couch.
But closing my eyes when I’m tired. Letting myself sleep in when I need it. Pausing when my body whispers “please slow down.”
There’s such a huge difference between checking out and truly resting. I’m trying to practice the latter. And it’s working — today I genuinely feel more like myself.
💬 Let’s Connect
What’s something small you’ve done lately that made you feel more like yourself again?
Have you gone through a style transition before? How did you figure out what felt like “you” again?
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Recently, I’ve been feeling a little stagnant. A little off, a little out of sorts, a little distracted. Instead of feeling grateful for this journey I’m on and the incredible opportunity that it is, I found myself feeling obligated — even overwhelmed — by all the “work” I still needed to do. It started to feel like every spare moment had to be dedicated to healing, studying, improving. And slowly but surely, I drained myself of the excitement and joy that originally fueled all of this.
Realizing I’d Turned Healing Into Homework 📚
Through some honest self-reflection, I realized I’ve been focusing too much on the fine print — the self-help texts, the podcasts, the expert advice — and not nearly enough time actually exploring what feels good for me.
Once again, balance has revealed itself as my biggest struggle. Despite my intentions, I became rigid, strict, and overly disciplined in ways that led me right back to the burnout I was trying so hard to heal from.
When I started this blog, I proudly proclaimed that every new thing I consumed would relate to my happiness project. Only self-improvement books. Only mindset podcasts. Only healing-focused content. For a while, that was motivating… but eventually, it became suffocating.
Instead of embracing what I’d learned and focusing on integrating it, I convinced myself I needed to keep reading, keep studying, keep digging deeper. I sent myself straight into information overload — to the point where everything blurred together. I couldn’t even tell you which ideas came from which book anymore; it was all just a big, overwhelming soup of “shoulds.”
And little by little, it all started feeling like I was completing tasks just to check them off a list, not because they were supporting my happiness. I was either “studying” or watching familiar shows while scrolling my phone — old patterns, old distractions, old autopilot. I stopped being fully present, and my body let me know. (Hi, neck tension!)
Where’s the Fun in All of This? 🎢
I’ve bought several new books recently — Beatles biographies, historical fiction, romantasy — all things that bring me joy. Yet I told myself I couldn’t read them because they weren’t part of “the project.” I refused myself joy if it wasn’t officially productive.
I lost sight of what the bigger journey was actually supposed to be: not fixing myself… but finding myself.
And the question finally hit me:
If I’m not finding joy in my days, what the hell am I even doing?
So yesterday, I recalibrated. Hard.
I finished a novel I’ve been slowly reading for months — A Resistance of Witches, which was SO up my alley. And wow… I realized how much guilt I’d buried around simply enjoying myself. I thought I was being disciplined. Really, I was depriving myself.
After my walk-pad session, I took a nap — a full, luxurious 2-hour nap — without setting a 45-minute “approved” timer. When I woke up, I finally cracked open SHOUT!, the Beatles biography that has been calling to me from the shelf for weeks. And reading it felt like a deep, contented exhale.
There is a time and place for rigidity and structure, but it does not need to be constant. So now I’m focusing on balance — real balance — not rules disguised as self-care.
Letting Myself Rest (For Real) 😴
This morning, I let myself sleep in because I’ve been fighting off a cold. When I finally got up, I felt more rested than I have in days.
I stepped outside for my morning sun exposure, made my breakfast shake, took my supplements, and did my morning pages and affirmations. The basics still matter to me — they keep me grounded — but I’m softening the edges around them.
Dusting Off the Piano Keys 🎹
After my morning routine, I wandered into the guest room/my office and decided… it’s time to play piano again.
Back in May, one of my closest friends gifted me her old keyboard because I’d talked about wanting to learn. I practiced daily for a couple weeks, posted some videos, felt proud… and then life happened. I fell out of the habit.
Every time I saw the keyboard afterward, the shame hit hard. Instead of recognizing that ache as longing, I told myself I “should be working on other things,” so I’d close the door and pretend it didn’t hurt my heart to leave it sitting there.
But after my realization about joy and rigidity, I decided that playing music gets to be part of my daily routine, just like walking and yoga.
So today, I dusted off the keys and practiced for about 30 minutes with a beginner YouTube video. I was rusty, but I was smiling. Really smiling.
This is the kind of thing I want to chase — joy, fun, creativity, magic. The self-improvement literature helped me build a foundation. But now I need to live on that foundation, not bury myself under more textbooks about how to live.
Getting Honest About Alcohol 🍷🚫
Another big realization: as much as I may wish it were different, alcohol just cannot be part of my life right now.
I’ve done great avoiding it during the week, but Friday rolls around and suddenly I’m counting down to 5 p.m. Sometimes I manage to stick to one drink, sometimes I don’t. Either way, I always feel worse afterward — in my sleep, my mood, my body.
The short-term buzz just isn’t worth the long-term crash. So for now, alcohol is off the table. It’s scary to say that out loud, but it also feels like relief. Like I’m finally choosing myself — not just in theory, but in practice.
Softening the Edges of My Routines 🌿
Going forward, I’m keeping the core of my routines — sleep, nutrition, walking, yoga, Pilates — but loosening the rigidity that was making everything feel like homework.
The time in between? That belongs to joy now.
Playing piano.
Reading about Beatles lore and faeries getting freaky.
Drawing and painting.
Snuggling dogs, drinking tea, and letting myself just be.
I am aiming to be more fluid and less rigid — and I know I’ll stumble, but I’ll adjust and keep learning what serves me and what doesn’t.
Today, I Choose Joy ✨
Today, I feel hopeful. Grounded. Light. I’m going to get on the walk pad, make some tea, snuggle up with the dogs, read about The Beatles, do some yoga, make myself something nourishing… and actually enjoy it.
Not because it’s “part of the protocol.” Not because a book told me to. But because it feels good. And isn’t that the whole point?
Let’s Chat 💬
I’d love to hear from you in the comments:
Where in your life have you gotten a little too rigid with your “self-improvement” habits?
What’s one joyful, “just for fun” thing you’ve been denying yourself that you’d like to bring back?
How do you personally find balance between growth and rest?
Stay Connected 💌
If you’re walking your own winding healing path and want some company along the way, I’d love for you to stick around.
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Thank you for being here. It means more than you know.
Yesterday marked two months of Bailz Has a Blog and I honestly cannot believe how far I’ve come in such a short time. When I launched this space, I was still in rough shape—physically, mentally, emotionally—and deep in denial about it. I wasn’t sleeping enough, eating enough, or caring for myself in even the most basic ways.
But then I started documenting everything. I started looking inward. I started noticing what wasn’t working… and then fixing it. I started celebrating victories. And damn… I am so freaking proud of myself.
💋 Today Was My Boudoir Photoshoot (!!)
All week long, I had been really, really nervous about it—honestly, almost to the point of dreading it. Somehow, this thing I once wanted became something I felt like I had to do. I didn’t even notice the shift until this morning while writing my morning pages.
Last night, I prepped in all the ways—Pilates, exfoliating, shaving, moisturizing, curating my playlist—but I was going through the motions. No excitement. Just nerves.
And then this morning, while journaling, it hit me: This was all for ME. I wanted this. I chose this. It was never an obligation—it was a gift to myself. That realization flipped a switch. Suddenly, I couldn’t wait to get to the studio.
🎶 Once the Music Started… Game On
When I arrived, we jumped straight into hair and makeup. I turned on my playlist. And from the first pose, when the photographer showed me the preview on her camera… it was OVER for any remaining self-doubt. The second I saw myself, I fully stepped into it.
By the end, I was walking around the studio completely naked like it was nothing. I felt comfortable. Beautiful. Confident in a way I have never felt before in my life.
I genuinely could’ve kept shooting for another hour. I didn’t want it to end. I felt like a goddess. I felt like me.
📸 Sneak Peeks + Floating on Cloud Nine
Once I got home, I got a text from the photographer—she posted the sneak peeks early.
HOLY. CRAP.
You guys… they are even better than I imagined. I can’t wait to see the full gallery!
Also, I’m keeping my makeup on until bedtime because I’m obsessed—and Heath is taking me out tonight because he said I look “too good not to show off.” 🥰
🌹 If You’ve Ever Wanted To Do a Boudoir Shoot… DO IT.
Find a photographer whose vibe feels right. Send the inquiry. Book the shoot. Do it for you.
In the iconic words of Moira Rose:
Take a thousand, naked pictures of yourself now. You may currently think, “Oh, I’m too spooky.” Or, “Nobody wants to see these tiny boobies.” But, believe me, one day you will look at those photos with much kinder eyes and say, “Dear God, I was a beautiful thing!”
This is maybe the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I can’t believe I almost talked myself out of it—right up until this morning.
💬 Your Turn
I’d love to hear from you in the comments!
Have you ever done a boudoir photoshoot? Would you ever want to?
What’s something you’ve always wanted to do just for YOU?
What helps you reconnect with your confidence when you lose it?
What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done for yourself?
Are you more nervous-excited or excited-nervous when trying something new?
💜 Enjoying the journey?
If you’re loving these posts and want to follow along with every win, wobble, lesson, and breakthrough — subscribe below so you never miss a moment. I’d love to have you on this ride with me. ✨
Unfortunately, I am still not sleeping through the night. Although, the experience has shifted. I am no longer waking up drenched in night sweats (HOORAY! 🙌) — but now, instead of 3 AM, my body stirs at 4:45 AM.
At first, I chalked it up to the time change and my system still adjusting to my new sleep rhythm. But when it continued, I got curious — and looked into what that time means through the lens of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM).
🌬️ The 4:45 AM Connection — Lung Time
According to the TCM body clock, 4:45 AM falls within the Lung time, which governs breath, grief, letting go, and renewal.
So what does that mean for me? It’s actually a good sign. It means my liver is no longer stagnant — the focus has now shifted to my lungs for deeper processing and emotional release. The energy is moving, evolving, and finding balance.
It feels like progress — slow, steady, sacred progress. ✨
🍃 What I’m Doing to Support My Lungs
I asked ChatGPT to help me map out a gentle plan to support lung qi, and here’s what I’m incorporating this week:
🌿 Herbal Support
Continue nightly tea (peppermint + milk thistle + dandelion root) for liver support
Add morning peppermint tea to open and nourish the lung channel
🌸 Breathwork
Gentle breathing exercises when I wake up at night
Deep, slow inhalations through the nose; soft, extended exhales through the mouth
☕ Nourishment
More bone broth, oats, and warm lemon water for moisture and warmth
Soothing, comforting foods to nurture lung energy
💫 Movement + Ritual
Upper-body stretching morning and night to open the chest
Rubbing castor oil + peppermint essential oil on my chest before bed (using an old shirt or castor oil pack because castor oil stains!)
While I’d love a full, uninterrupted night of sleep, I’m also proud of how attuned I’m becoming to my body — learning its signals, honoring its wisdom, and celebrating each new layer of healing. 🌙
🕊️ Healing, One Step at a Time
This journey has transformed every part of me — physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Each small shift feels like a new chapter opening.
On Thursday, I reached out to a therapist whose profile deeply resonated with me — and within hours, I was on a consultation call with her. We talked about trauma, healing goals, and approaches to therapy, and the connection felt instantaneous.
By the end of our call, I cried — not out of fear, but out of relief. Because for the first time in a long while, I felt truly seen and understood. It just felt right.
Now I’m scheduled for my first appointment on Tuesday, and I couldn’t be more excited to continue this healing process with her guidance.
I know that I’m doing a pretty great job with everything I’ve been doing on my own, but I also know I can only go so far solo. I need support, coaching, and encouragement for the moments when things get heavy again. So I used the positive momentum I’m riding now to take care of the future version of me who might not have the energy to ask for help when she really needs it. 💫
💖 Following My Intuition
Over the past few months, I’ve made so many intuitive decisions that have reshaped my life:
Chiropractic Care: I reached out expecting a wait — instead, I got in the very next day. Now I go three times a week, and my body feels significantly better. My chest feels more open; I literally feel like I can breathe easier. 🌟
Boudoir Photoshoot: A long-time dream I finally said yes to. I found the perfect photographer, booked the shoot, and every step of the process has felt like my gut saying, “Yes. This is for you.” 💃
Therapy: I decided to find support now, while I’m doing better, so I’m prepared for the harder moments ahead. I did my research, found someone who checked all the boxes, reached out, and she was able to speak to me that very day. 🧠💜
Every time I show up for myself, the universe meets me halfway.
🌞 My Daily Reminder
Each morning, after my Morning Pages, I write this affirmation:
“If I keep showing up, life will reward me.” 💫
And it’s proving true, over and over again.
I’m learning that showing up for yourself — even when it’s hard, even when it’s quiet — is the most powerful spell you can cast.
Life really does reward those who keep choosing to heal. 🌿
🌷 If these words brought you comfort, consider sharing them with a friend who might need them too. Subscribe below to stay connected — we’re healing, growing, and showing up together. 💫
Yesterday I had my Week 4 Artist Date, and it was truly lovely. For this week, I decided to take my inner artist on a little date to Trinity Park here in Fort Worth — and take a walk. I didn’t listen to anything while I walked; I just moved and soaked in the natural beauty of the park. Just me and my thoughts. 🦆🌳
🌿 A Visit with the Ducks
When I arrived, I parked by the duck pond, so before I got started, I spent some time by the water just watching the ducks and geese. That felt pretty special in itself.
When I was little, one of my favorite activities with my great-grandmother was feeding the ducks and geese at the pond near her house. We’d stop at the store for day-old bread and then spend the afternoon by the water. (Side note: now I know better — bread isn’t great for them 😅 — but I didn’t back then.)
It was such a sweet reminder of childhood to sit by the pond and hear the quacks and splashes and see families making those same memories. I actually got a little teary 🥲 — I felt my great-grandmother with me, proud of the woman I’m becoming, cheering me on.
One goose even came right up to me and started pecking at my bracelets — like it was trying to say hello. I’m pretty sure that was Meme’s spirit dropping by. Even if it wasn’t, I’m choosing to believe it 🕊️.
🚶♀️ The Walk Itself
After sitting by the pond, I set off down the trail — a little over a mile each way. I wasn’t rushing or trying to turn it into a workout (though I did start my Apple Watch activity 😉). I just walked at whatever pace felt natural in the moment, breathing deeply and letting my thoughts flow.
Texas still hasn’t gotten the memo that it’s November — it was sunny and 77°F ☀️ — but I wasn’t complaining. The weather was perfect. I went around lunch time, so the park was quiet and peaceful. For a while, I forgot I was in the middle of a big city. It was just me, the trees, the birds, and the path ahead.
I made it my little mission to smile and say hi to every person I passed — no small talk required, just simple connection. Some avoided eye contact, some smiled back enthusiastically, and one gentleman I passed twice even laughed when I said, “Hello again!” Kindness really is contagious. 💫
💤 Sleep Setbacks and Self-Compassion
The last couple of nights have been rougher for sleep — last night I woke up at 4:45 a.m. and was a bit sweaty again. Not terrible, but noticeable. While it’s disappointing that this issue still lingers, I’m choosing not to get discouraged. Healing isn’t linear. My hormones are shifting as I near my period, and I know that’s likely part of it. 🌙
So instead of spiraling, I’m focusing on being gentle with myself. When I wake up, I remind myself: I am safe. I am loved. I am okay. I’ll keep drinking my teas, journaling before bed, and showing up for myself — because I know I’m worth it. 🫖🕯️
🌸 Doing the Unglamorous Work
It’s not glamorous work — but it’s work I’m proud to be doing. For so long I avoided it — the feelings, the root causes, the habits. Now I’m doing the hard stuff even when I’m tired, cranky, or hormonal. I still write my morning pages. I still make my breakfast shake and take my supplements. I still move my body through walks, yoga, and Pilates. I still take myself on Artist Dates — even when I try to talk myself out of them until the last minute. 😉
And because I’m sticking with it, my life is changing for the better — step by step, page by page, day by day. 💪✨
🪷 A New Therapy Chapter
Today I took another big step: I started looking for a new therapist. I searched on Psychology Today for specialists in somatic therapy — the kind that integrates body and mind healing instead of relying solely on talk therapy. After reading several profiles, I found someone who feels like a perfect fit and sent her a message requesting a consultation. 🌿
I’ve done talk therapy before, and while venting always felt good, it never gave me the deep healing I was craving. I’m realizing that I need a more holistic approach — one that includes my mind, body, and spirit. So today, I stopped procrastinating and got started — and that alone feels like progress I can be proud of. 🩷
💫 Closing Thoughts
It’s days like this that remind me how much has shifted. I’m walking through healing — literally and metaphorically — and every step, every tear, every moment of presence matters. Here’s to listening to our bodies, honoring our inner artists, and continuing to show up for ourselves one gentle day at a time. 🌼
☀️ Thank you for walking beside me — both literally and metaphorically. 💜 Subscribe below to keep joining me for more Artist Dates, healing rituals, and quiet moments of self-discovery. 🌿
Bailz Has a Blog 