Today is the first day I’ve genuinely felt like myself in… honestly, I don’t even know how long. Definitely not since starting this blog. I’ve had flickers of my true self here and there—but they’ve been fleeting.
This morning, I woke up ready. Ready to participate in my life again. Ready to take the reins.
Now, I know what you might be thinking: It must be because I finally did all those things I said I would yesterday, right?
Nope. Not even close. I managed to do a yoga video with Heath, but that is it.
Instead, Heath and I talked. For hours. And not surface-level, small talk—we had an open, vulnerable, honest conversation that I didn’t realize I’d been aching for. I cracked open, and the floodgates came down. I spoke things I didn’t even know I’d been bottling up.
And because I’m committed to documenting this journey truthfully, I want to share some of what we talked about—with Heath’s blessing, of course.
💼 Generational Echoes
Growing up, and honestly even now, my dad has always been a workaholic. And to be fair—he’s brilliant at what he does. His work ethic is unmatched. But it also meant that work almost always came first. Even on vacations or holidays, he’d be on his laptop, answering emails, solving problems.
He never missed the big things—he was there, camera in hand, documenting every milestone “for posterity.” But day-to-day? He was rarely fully with us.
I adore my dad. But I missed him a lot growing up. I wanted more time, more attention, more connection.
And as they say—we often marry a version of our parents.
Heath is also a workaholic. And just like my dad, he’s phenomenal at what he does. He manages a large team, he cares deeply about people, and he pours his heart into his job. It’s one of the things I love most about him.
But sometimes, that passion means there’s not much left for anything else at the end of the day. I often get what feels like scraps of his attention, and I convince myself it’s fine. That I’m strong enough. That this is normal.
But over time, it chipped away at me.
😔 Loneliness in the Quiet Moments
What I hadn’t realized until last night is that the loneliness had grown louder than I’d allowed myself to admit. Even when he was sitting right next to me, I missed him.
I finally said the words I had been afraid to speak for years:
“I’m scared you work so much because you don’t want to be home with me.”
“I’m scared that if I left, you’d be fine—maybe even relieved because you would have more time and energy for work.”
“I feel like I only get the best version of you when you’re away from work—and the rest of the time, I’m just… managing.”
I let it all out—my fears, my longing, the echoes of my childhood loneliness. I laid it bare, and for the first time, I felt fully seen.
He didn’t get defensive. He heard me. And that changed everything.
☀️ A New Kind of Morning
No, I wasn’t asleep by 10 PM. It was closer to 3 AM. But I still woke up lighter.
I let myself sleep in. Then I got up, brushed my teeth, high-fived myself in the mirror (thanks, Mel Robbins), laced up my sneakers, and stepped onto my walk pad. I walked for 45 minutes and watched The Office, comfort food for my soul.
(Side note: If you haven’t watched the Superfan episodes on Peacock—what are you even doing? It’s like getting bonus time with old friends. I highly, highly recommend them.)
After walking, I did some stretches, took some slow, deep belly breaths, and actually felt my body again. Not just existing in it—being in it. Sweaty, a little winded, and so very alive.
🍝 A Simple Kind of Joy
After walking, stretching, breathing, and then showering, I volunteered as tribute to go grocery shopping. We needed a few things, so I threw on a cute outfit and made a Trader Joe’s trip feel like a mini adventure.
No overthinking. No dread. Just me, out in the world, present.
I sang my heart out to The Tortured Poets Department in the car. I chatted with the cashier. I picked up treats for the dogs. I got complimented on my outfit. And the best part? I didn’t feel overwhelmed once.
That is HUGE for me.
🌱 Lighter, Not Fixed (Yet)
I still have goals I’m not quite meeting. I still have healing to do. But today felt like a turning point.
All because I said the things I was afraid to say.
I told the truth—not just to Heath, but to myself.
And in doing so, I put down a weight I didn’t realize I’d been carrying.
I feel lighter. I feel more like me.
I’m not all the way back, but I’m on my way.
And that, my friends, is enough for today. 💜
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