Today marks one month since I officially launched this blog. One month of showing up, writing, sharing, and growing — and of learning a lot about myself along the way. 💜
When I started, my goal was simple: document the journey honestly. Not just the shiny parts, but the messy, uncertain, vulnerable middle too. And that’s what I’ve tried to do.
🌙 The Drift I Noticed
Over the past week, I felt myself quietly shifting away from the heart of this project. I was focusing more on talking about the work than doing the work. I caught myself refreshing notifications instead of reflecting, chasing validation instead of connection. 📱
At the same time, I’d fallen off my movement routine — fewer walks, less yoga — and my clarity went with it. The fog, the fatigue, the self-doubt crept back in. I know that pattern.
🌿 The Reset
So I stepped away for a few days. Fewer screens. More breath. More sunlight. More fetch with the dogs. More gentle movement. I let myself recalibrate. And it helped — I feel clearer, lighter, more like myself again. ☀️🐾
✨ What One Month Taught Me
Self-discovery isn’t only about expanding; sometimes it’s about contracting and coming home to stillness.
Healing doesn’t happen on a screen — the screen can be a doorway, but the work is done in my body, breath, choices, and days. 🫁
Movement is medicine. When I move, my mind softens and my spirit returns.
Rest isn’t quitting; it’s part of the process. 🌙
💜 Month Two: My Intention
I’m going to keep showing up — not for algorithms or approval, but for myself. I’ll stay anchored in my why, let rest count as progress, and do the work even when no one sees it.
Here’s to one month down, and many more months of showing up — imperfectly, intentionally, and with an open heart. Thank you for being here. You matter more than you know. 🌸
Today is the first day I’ve genuinely felt like myself in… honestly, I don’t even know how long. Definitely not since starting this blog. I’ve had flickers of my true self here and there—but they’ve been fleeting.
This morning, I woke up ready. Ready to participate in my life again. Ready to take the reins.
Now, I know what you might be thinking: It must be because I finally did all those things I said I would yesterday, right?
Nope. Not even close. I managed to do a yoga video with Heath, but that is it.
Instead, Heath and I talked. For hours. And not surface-level, small talk—we had an open, vulnerable, honest conversation that I didn’t realize I’d been aching for. I cracked open, and the floodgates came down. I spoke things I didn’t even know I’d been bottling up.
And because I’m committed to documenting this journey truthfully, I want to share some of what we talked about—with Heath’s blessing, of course.
💼 Generational Echoes
Growing up, and honestly even now, my dad has always been a workaholic. And to be fair—he’s brilliant at what he does. His work ethic is unmatched. But it also meant that work almost always came first. Even on vacations or holidays, he’d be on his laptop, answering emails, solving problems.
He never missed the big things—he was there, camera in hand, documenting every milestone “for posterity.” But day-to-day? He was rarely fully with us.
I adore my dad. But I missed him a lot growing up. I wanted more time, more attention, more connection.
And as they say—we often marry a version of our parents.
Heath is also a workaholic. And just like my dad, he’s phenomenal at what he does. He manages a large team, he cares deeply about people, and he pours his heart into his job. It’s one of the things I love most about him.
But sometimes, that passion means there’s not much left for anything else at the end of the day. I often get what feels like scraps of his attention, and I convince myself it’s fine. That I’m strong enough. That this is normal.
But over time, it chipped away at me.
😔 Loneliness in the Quiet Moments
What I hadn’t realized until last night is that the loneliness had grown louder than I’d allowed myself to admit. Even when he was sitting right next to me, I missed him.
I finally said the words I had been afraid to speak for years:
“I’m scared you work so much because you don’t want to be home with me.” “I’m scared that if I left, you’d be fine—maybe even relieved because you would have more time and energy for work.” “I feel like I only get the best version of you when you’re away from work—and the rest of the time, I’m just… managing.”
I let it all out—my fears, my longing, the echoes of my childhood loneliness. I laid it bare, and for the first time, I felt fully seen.
He didn’t get defensive. He heard me. And that changed everything.
☀️ A New Kind of Morning
No, I wasn’t asleep by 10 PM. It was closer to 3 AM. But I still woke up lighter.
I let myself sleep in. Then I got up, brushed my teeth, high-fived myself in the mirror (thanks, Mel Robbins), laced up my sneakers, and stepped onto my walk pad. I walked for 45 minutes and watched The Office, comfort food for my soul.
(Side note: If you haven’t watched the Superfan episodes on Peacock—what are you even doing? It’s like getting bonus time with old friends. I highly, highly recommend them.)
After walking, I did some stretches, took some slow, deep belly breaths, and actually felt my body again. Not just existing in it—being in it. Sweaty, a little winded, and so very alive.
🍝 A Simple Kind of Joy
After walking, stretching, breathing, and then showering, I volunteered as tribute to go grocery shopping. We needed a few things, so I threw on a cute outfit and made a Trader Joe’s trip feel like a mini adventure.
No overthinking. No dread. Just me, out in the world, present.
I sang my heart out to The Tortured Poets Department in the car. I chatted with the cashier. I picked up treats for the dogs. I got complimented on my outfit. And the best part? I didn’t feel overwhelmed once.
That is HUGE for me.
🌱 Lighter, Not Fixed (Yet)
I still have goals I’m not quite meeting. I still have healing to do. But today felt like a turning point.
All because I said the things I was afraid to say.
I told the truth—not just to Heath, but to myself.
And in doing so, I put down a weight I didn’t realize I’d been carrying.
I feel lighter. I feel more like me.
I’m not all the way back, but I’m on my way.
And that, my friends, is enough for today. 💜
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Yesterday, I realized that my mental health had been doing much worse this past week than I wanted to admit. I was in supreme denial about how negative my thoughts had become, how loud they were, and how often they showed up. On top of that, I was beating myself up for even having them.
I tried to just push through — do the things, stay distracted, and hope I’d magically wake up better one day. But on Saturday, I woke up and couldn’t stop crying.
“What’s the point of any of this? Why am I even trying? I’ll always struggle. I’ll always hate myself a little bit. I’ll always feel like this.”
That afternoon, I had tickets to the Life of a Showgirl release party movie with a friend. I knew I needed to get up, shower, and get dressed. But I cried through all of it. I didn’t really pull myself together until about 30 minutes before my friend arrived to pick me up. Even then, I wasn’t myself. I was quiet, going through the motions, and just… sad. I’m glad I went and spent time with my friend, but I didn’t appreciate it in the moment as much as I could have.
🚩 When the Signs Were There
Looking back, I should have recognized things were bad on Thursday night/early Friday morning, when the brand-new Taylor Swift album came out. Normally, I love Taylor Swift. Her lyrics have been a lifeline for me for years. But this time, I listened to the album out of obligation more than joy. I didn’t feel excited. I didn’t count down the hours until release. I didn’t make a cute outfit for the party or obsessively check Instagram for Easter egg theories. I just… didn’t care.
At first, I thought maybe I just didn’t like the album. Now I realize: I didn’t like anything that much at the time.
🖤 Going Dark
So on Saturday, while crying through getting ready, I put the album on again to prep for the show. Even after listening through twice, the funk lingered. All through the show, all through the afternoon, I felt completely dark.
Heath had a company picnic that day, so he was gone most of the afternoon. When he got home, I was a shell of myself on the couch watching Gilmore Girls, barely able to look at him. He could see something was wrong. He started asking gentle questions, and then the last one was:
“Are you going dark?” “Yes.”
“Dark” is our word for when things feel about as bad as they can get. Saying it out loud helped. Heath gave me a hug, snuggled me on the couch, and watched Gilmore Girls with me for the rest of the night — even asking questions about the characters and plot. (I think he might secretly be becoming a fan!)
Later, I spoke up and said I wanted chips and queso. We ordered Torchy’s delivery. Never underestimate the healing powers of chips and queso. We talked a little bit, and I felt myself come back — just a bit.
🌤️ Choosing to Come Back
Today, mentally, I feel better. I’m not “dark” anymore. But emotionally and physically, I’m drained. I slept until noon, and I still feel like I could crawl back into bed. Now that I’ve acknowledged how bad it was, though, it feels like it has less power over me.
Looking back, I see how quickly I slipped into old patterns: shaming myself, measuring my worth by productivity, “should-ing” all over myself, dwelling on the past, neglecting my self-care habits. I haven’t done a full yoga practice in over a week. I haven’t been on the walk pad. I haven’t been present.
So today, I’m making myself a promise:
💜 I will get back on track, gently.
🧘♀️ I will do yoga.
🚶 I will walk.
🌌 I will check in with the astrology for this week.
📚 I will read something uplifting about happiness.
📵 I will stay off my phone as much as possible.
🌙 I will start curating a nighttime routine that is authentically me — one that helps me wind down and sleep well.
My goal is to be in bed and asleep by 10 PM every night. I’m a lifelong night owl, and turning my brain off at bedtime is hard. But this is my project now.
🔁 Healing Isn’t Linear
Progress, setbacks, and forward movement again — it’s all part of it. I can still bring myself back. But I can’t keep it bottled up. Speaking up matters. Showing up matters.
Even when it’s hard. Even when it’s messy. Even when it’s just a post like this.
Thank you for being here. 💜
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Hello and Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend. I know I sure did—it was busy, it was social, and it was absolutely beautiful.
Lately, a lot of my focus has been centered on reframing—shifting my perspective and trying to see things in a more positive, grounded light. It’s a practice I’m still learning, but I’m already seeing how powerful it can be.
And this weekend reminded me of a phrase that has meant a lot to me over the years:
“Have to? GET to.”
Let me take you back to the origin story.
When I was 15, Green Day was touring for their American Idiot album, and my wonderful dad somehow scored tickets for our family of four. My sister and I were obsessed with Green Day at the time—this was a very big deal.
When we got to the venue and started making our way to our seats, my mom looked down at the arena floor—the standing room only section—and said something like, “Oh, those poor people, they have to be standing down there the whole time?” Without even thinking, I responded: “Have to? GET to!”
And it just… stuck.
🔄 Reframing the Everyday
I didn’t realize how powerful that mindset shift was until much later—when I found myself burned out, detached, and drowning in “have to” energy.
Somewhere along the way, I had stopped choosing my life. I was moving through my days like everything was an obligation—even the things I wanted to do. Depression had dulled everything, and I couldn’t see it clearly until I paused. I rested. I got honest with myself. And I started listening to that quiet inner voice again.
Perspective matters. How you look at things matters.
✨ This Weekend, I Got To…
If I had approached this weekend with my old mindset, it would have wrecked me. I would’ve seen my calendar and thought: “Ugh, I have to go to all these things…”
I would have spiraled into anxiety or shame. Maybe even canceled. Maybe convinced myself I wasn’t up for it.
But I didn’t do that. Instead, I asked myself: “What if I looked at all of this as something I get to do?”
Suddenly, I was overwhelmed—not with stress, but with gratitude.
How lucky am I to have people who want to spend time with me? How lucky that I genuinely adore those people back?
Yes, I’m tired. I slept 12 hours last night. But my heart is full.
Yesterday, I got to catch up with a friend I haven’t seen in years. I got to meet her beautiful children. Later, another dear friend came over and I got to hang out with him and my husband all afternoon. What a gift.
💜 Let “Get To” Lead the Way
I know I’ll still fall into “have to” thinking sometimes. I’m human. It’s a habit I’ve spent years reinforcing.
But I’m working on changing the story. And keeping “get to” at the center helps.
So today, I invite you to try this with me.
When you catch yourself dreading something or slipping into overwhelm, pause. Ask yourself: “What if I get to do this?”
You might be surprised how much it softens everything.
Thanks for being here. Stay tuned for more tales from the life of Bailz 💜
One of the things I am focusing on in my journey right now is intentional movement. I’ve never been someone who worked out consistently—I never really valued what I thought it brought to my life. I didn’t like getting sweaty and I didn’t like feeling weak, and as far as I knew then, that was all that working out was. So… no, thanks.
What I have now realized is that I was not working out in a way that worked for me. I was doing what everyone else was doing, and it wasn’t ever clicking. Because I am not like everyone else. Never have been, don’t ever want to be. Tried that, didn’t fit.
Up until a few years ago, I had it in my head that if I was going to be in shape or work out, I needed to be a runner. So every once in a while I would decide I was going to be a runner and I would push myself and hate it and burn out and drop it—until the next time I decided to force it again. We were on a pretty much once-a-year cycle, give or take.
Now, with my focus on looking inward for answers instead of externally, I’ve found and leaned into walking. We bought a walk pad a while ago, and over the past week I have actually been making a point to use it consistently. My current routine is: I put on New Girl and walk for 45 minutes. I take breaks as needed, and I am as gentle with myself as possible. I know that if I criticize myself, I will end up not walking anymore—and that is not what I want. I want to walk. I want to move my body with intention. So I am. No matter how many times I feel the need to stop for a water break. No matter how tired I might feel. I walk for 45 minutes total each session.
I’m also doing yoga every day. A few years ago, I discovered Yoga with Adriene on YouTube and she changed the game for me. I sincerely adore her. First of all, she is hilarious and relatable and real. I love that—and I need that. She also has a HUGE catalog of videos and I can find something for any specific need I’m wanting to target. Thirdly, I always genuinely feel better when I get to the end of her practices. I may be tired and sore and looking extra forward to an Epsom salt bath later, but deep down, I feel good. Because I did it for ME.
Full disclosure: when I first started with her beginner videos, I was TERRIBLE. I had zero balance and I was genuinely struggling to do all the poses and make it to the end. But ultimately, I enjoyed the videos, I enjoyed Adriene, and I enjoyed moving my body without sweating excessively. So I kept coming back—and one day, I noticed a difference in how my body moved and felt. I wasn’t wobbling during poses I had before. And that felt GOOD. I was hooked after that. I wanted to see how not wobbly I could get. I kept up with it for about six months and I could see and feel huge differences in myself. I was truly becoming a yoga girlie. Scratch that—I WAS a yoga girlie. And I felt physically in alignment with myself for the first time in a long time.
Eventually, life happened. I lost my focus, depression and anxiety crept back into my days, and I stopped doing yoga as much—if at all. I didn’t notice the differences at first, but then I was getting knots and cricks I couldn’t remedy myself. I was needing to go to the chiropractor—and even that wasn’t really doing the trick. If you’ve struggled with anxiety and depression, you know that sometimes the pain just blends in with the rest of the shittiness, and you don’t feel motivated to change it. “Why bother?” becomes a very common refrain. At least for me. And it really sucks.
When I buckled down and decided to commit to this healing journey, I knew that taking care of my body had to be a big part of it. Every day, whether I feel like it or not, I do a Yoga with Adriene video or my own practice based on what I’ve learned from her. I’m not requiring myself to walk on the walk pad every day, but I am requiring yoga every day. Even if it’s just 10 minutes. Sometimes 5 if I’m really not feeling it—like on Day 1 of my period. You will not catch me doing a full hour practice on Day 1 of my period. It ain’t happening, bro. But I can manage 5–10 minutes of slow, intentional flow.
I know my body and mind benefit from it. I know it’s contributing to my well-being. And I know if I let myself skip once, it’ll be easier to skip again—and I’m really working on keeping promises to myself. This one especially.
Through all of my self-reflection recently, I’ve realized that when I worked out before, I was doing it so I could tell people I worked out and hopefully they’d be impressed. It had nothing to do with the benefits to my body or spirit. I only cared about the bragging rights. And thus, it never became a real habit. It was only when I realized that I was worthy of taking care of that it finally stuck. That part might’ve been the hardest.
I still have to make myself do yoga and walk—but it’s not as hard, and it’s definitely not as forced. I know that as soon as I get started, I’ll be happy I did. The hardest part is always getting started.
Up until now, I’ve been practicing and walking in the afternoons, but I’d like to move it into my mornings going forward. Starting tomorrow, my goal is to get on the walk pad within 30 minutes of waking, and then do yoga after that. Hopefully the momentum will carry me through the day with a heightened energy level.
I’ll let you know how tomorrow goes.
Thank you for being here! Stay tuned for more tales from the life of Bailz.
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