Bailz Has a Blog

Tag: self care journey

  • Are You Ready For It? ✨

    Are You Ready For It? ✨

    Hey, hi, hello! Happy Sunday!

    It has been quite a while since I last posted, and it feels weird but very good to be back.

    I decided to step away because when I was writing my last post, I was really struggling with the whole process. I had a hard time coming up with what I wanted to say, and ultimately I was beating myself up because I felt like I didn’t have a whole lot of meaningful wisdom to impart. I was putting a heck of a lot of pressure on myself, more than I even realized at the time. So, after some reflection, I decided to take a little break without any real plan of how long that break would be. I just knew intuitively that it was what I needed to do.

    🌿 Trusting My Timing (And Myself)

    A lot of what I have been working on in therapy is trusting myself and my instincts, learning how to listen to what my body and my nervous system need in each moment. I’m also working on honoring the process and not rushing.

    Each time I have made a big step forward, like getting sober or taking a break from social media, I have said to my therapist, “I wish I had done it so much sooner!” And each time she stops me and says, “No, you weren’t ready before. You did it when you were ready.” And you know what? She’s right! If I had tried to get sober before I was ready, it would not have stuck. Same with social media. So when I took a step away from the blog, I knew I had to listen to myself and trust that I would know when I was ready to come back. And, hey guess what, it worked!

    I trusted my instincts, I trusted that I would post again when I felt ready, and I trusted that I would know when I felt ready again without forcing it. I am really grateful that I listened to those instincts because as I sit here writing this post I feel a lot more centered and way less pressured. I am genuinely excited to be writing again. Sure, I’m a little nervous, and a little rusty, but still excited.

    🧠 Letting Go of the Pressure

    At first when I stepped away, I was admittedly beating myself up pretty badly pretty consistently. I kept telling myself I needed to go ahead and post again because it had already been so long and I just needed to get it together and come up with something to write about. And the more I tried to push myself, the further and further I stayed away from my keyboard.

    So I took some time to reflect on that and then decided to try something different. I decided that I would just let myself let it go for a while. I gave myself permission to release the pressure and be authentic and trust myself. If for whatever reason, I never ended up posting again, so be it. If I came up with something I wanted to write about, I knew I would feel it strongly and it wouldn’t feel forced. I trusted myself, and it took some time, but now here we are, back to writing and feeling good about it! HUZZAH!

    🚢 The Cruise, The Balcony, And The Inner Critic

    I’ve spent most of my time away continuing to focus on wintering, but there have also been some notable events worth sharing. First, Heath and I went on a cruise. It was a great time, and I am so glad we went. But I have to admit, during the actual vacation, I was being pretty mean to myself.

    All I wanted to do was sit on our balcony and read and look out at the water and listen to the waves and just be quiet and still. And that is what I did for the most part. But I was also simultaneously telling myself that I should be making the most out of the trip, that we should be going on excursions at every port and participating in all the on board activities and going to all the shows each night. I told myself that by staying in the room and on the balcony for the majority of the time, I was wasting the trip, even though deep down I knew I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.

    I knew I was honoring what my body and nervous system needed, but at the same time I was criticizing myself for it. I was able to recognize what was happening, and I actively worked on being present and trying to ignore my inner critic, but honestly, it was a struggle.

    Even when we got back to Fort Worth, I was having a hard time with it all. I was feeling guilty that I didn’t do more, I was feeling guilty that I was so happy to be home. Truth be told, it took me almost a week to get myself back.

    Now that I have had some time to reflect, I am proud of myself for not forcing myself to do any of the things I told myself I “should” have been doing. I’m glad I did exactly what I wanted to do, even though I mentally struggled with it at the time. I know I would have been a lot worse off if I had ignored what my body and my nervous system were telling me and tried to force things I didn’t feel up to, that didn’t feel authentic. I trusted myself and I did what I felt up to, regardless of what it might look like to other people. It was a struggle, but I did it and I feel good about it.

    🦷 Facing The Dentist (Finally)

    When we got back, I went to the dentist for the first time in many, many years. It’s something I had been putting off over and over because honestly I just wasn’t ready to tackle that tiger yet.

    For some context, when I am struggling with my mental health, personal care, specifically brushing my teeth, is usually the first thing to get tossed out the window. I’m not really sure why it is, but when I am feeling really rotten, the last thing I want to do is something to take care of myself, to do something responsible. If I didn’t have to go anywhere or interact with anyone, I just didn’t care about it. Gross, I know. But its true.

    Also, my drinking and smoking directly affected things as well. Most nights, I would be too buzzed to think about taking care of myself in that way, or feeling too lazy to get up and do it. I am not proud of it, but its the truth. I just didn’t care, it was never a priority. For years and years.

    So, ultimately, I had convinced myself that I had forever ruined my teeth because of that. I convinced myself that because it had been so long, there was going to be an enormous amount of work to be done, that I’d probably have to have root canals done on all of my teeth or that I’d lose them all and would need implants or something like that, even though I was not experiencing any pain or could detect any real issues on my own. I just told myself it would be horrible, so I put it off for years and years.

    But then, I started this self healing adventure, and somewhere deep within me I knew that the dentist would eventually be a part of it. Not right off the bat obviously, but eventually. I started with other things first, like regulating my nervous system through chiropractic care, getting sober, and starting therapy.

    Then, at the beginning of January, I decided I was ready. All of the sudden, I just felt ready. I’m not really sure exactly what changed, I just know that the thought of the dentist didn’t seem quite so scary, it seemed like something that I could actually handle now. I felt ready.

    📞 The Phone Call Win

    Once I had this realization, I immediately got online and found a holistic dentist near me. I did my research and made sure it was going to be a good fit, then I called and got an appointment scheduled. I’d like to take a quick moment to point out that in itself is a pretty big deal for me. For whatever reason, I have a good amount of anxiety about calling strangers on the phone. I always have, as long as I can remember. I’m not sure why, but its a pretty strong fear.

    For some reason though, I didn’t feel so anxious to make this call. To be honest, I was kind of excited actually. I knew that I would feel really accomplished and proud of myself once I had made the call and scheduled the appointment, and somehow that overshadowed all possibilities of anxiety prior to the call. I didn’t even hesitate, I just dialed the number. It felt really odd but also really good.

    ✅ The Results (Not Nearly As Bad As I Feared)

    My first appointment was just x-rays and scans to see what was going on, inside and out. Shockingly, even though it had been almost 10 years since my last dental appointment, the prognosis was not nearly as bad as I had built up in my head. In terms of work to be done, I only needed a deep cleaning and 2 fillings. Not sure how that is possible, but I will absolutely take it.

    I also learned that I have some gum recession and some teeny tiny stress fractures in my teeth that are the result of constantly clenching my jaw… which, to be honest, not so shocking. I have known that constantly clenching my jaw is an issue, but I had no idea it could cause these kinds of things. So now, I am overly focused on my jaw and constantly telling myself “release, stop clenching!” And I think I am making some good progress. Simply bringing consistent awareness to it has been a game changer.

    Other than that, everything else looked pretty good, and that was such a relief! They did all of the necessary work over two appointments, starting with deep cleaning the right side of my mouth and completing one filling, and then they tackled the left side and the other filling a week later. They numbed me up thoroughly for both appointments, so they were significantly less uncomfortable than I had anticipated. Overall, the whole process was dare I say easy and painless.

    🙋‍♀️ Advocating For Myself

    When they were doing my left side, I was a little more sensitive than I had been on the right side. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that old Bailz would have just sucked it up and endured the pain because she would not have wanted to burden the dentist and ask for more numbing shots. But thanks to all of the work I have been dedicating myself to recently, I am no longer old Bailz!

    So as soon as I realized that this side felt significantly different, I raised my hand immediately and spoke up for what I needed. And guess what? They were more than happy to handle it. No one judged me or laughed at me or told me I was asking for too much. They actually thanked me for speaking up. Imagine that!

    Once I was thoroughly numbed, the rest of the procedure was easy peasy and I had the added bonus of feeling victorious for advocating for myself. It’s a little thing, but these are the little wins that add up over time and are creating a whole new version of myself. So I am doing my best to celebrate each and every little win as they come because I know its important.

    🪥 A New Nonnegotiable Routine

    After all the work was done, my dentist walked me through a personalized oral health care routine to keep up with at home and I am honestly really enjoying it. It has become a nonnegotiable part of my morning and evening routines, whether I am going to be interacting with people or not.

    It has shifted from feeling like a hassle to becoming something I am doing for myself because I see the value in taking care of myself. The more I do them, the more I enjoy the little things I do to show myself love, to support my health, and to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking care of, time after time.

    And the more I am keeping up with it, I am learning that the more I show up for myself, the easier it gets to keep doing so.

    🔥 Hot Yoga: A Plot Twist

    Last week, my chiropractor posted about a hot yoga Galentine’s Day event they were hosting at a local yoga studio. I had never tried hot yoga before, but I do love yoga itself. I practice at home, almost daily, and after 3 years of practicing off and on, recently I had been toying with the idea of finding a studio where I could take classes in person instead of only relying on YouTube. When I saw my chiropractor’s post, I knew immediately that this felt like the perfect opportunity to dip my toe in the hot yoga pool.

    Without letting myself overthink it, I bought my ticket and added it to my calendar. I really wasn’t sure what to expect. I had no clue if I would be able to keep up or if I could handle the heat, but I also knew that I would never find out if I never tried. So I packed up my mat, filled up my water bottle, and decided to give it my all and see what happened. I showed up, nervous but excited.

    You guys, I am OBSESSED with hot yoga now. That class unlocked something within me. Normally, getting sweaty gives me the absolute ick, but somehow this hits different. I don’t understand why or how, but I actually enjoyed the aspect of sweating in this scenario. It was like I could feel the toxins and negative energy leaving my body in real time. It was truly wild.

    Also, not gonna lie, I was so impressed with how much I was able to do. I realize now that in my years of at home practice, I had not given myself nearly enough credit for my yogi skills. I had been telling myself that because I was just doing videos at home by myself that somehow it didn’t really count. But I don’t think that anymore. I know that I am absolutely a yogi and I am leaning so far into it now.

    The studio where the event was held offers a free first class (the event didn’t count), so I signed up in the app and booked myself for a 60 minute Vinyasa class this past Friday morning. To be honest, it was a little more difficult than the Galentine’s event, BUT I still held my own and confirmed that I really want this to become part of my wellness journey.

    Yesterday, I signed up for a month unlimited membership and I am booked to go back Monday evening for a restorative class. I am thinking of starting with going twice a week. One restorative class and one Vinyasa class and see how my body handles that.

    🧘‍♀️ The Mat Upgrade

    I also ordered myself a new cork yoga mat with a natural rubber backing, specifically made for hot yoga. I did this for a few reasons. First of all, the one I have now is pretty old and kind of falling apart. Winston and Wrigley like to “help me” practice at home and their claws do no favors to the mat.

    I also learned very quickly during my first two classes that my current mat gets slippery AF by the end of class and that just seems unnecessarily dangerous. Additionally, I now know that it’s made of toxic chemicals and forever plastics, which I didn’t know too much about when I first ordered it. Now I know a lot more, and I knew that when I replaced my mat it would be with something that was good for both me and the earth. So that is exactly what I did.

    🌱 Owning My “Health & Wellness Girlie” Era

    I am really leaning into my health and wellness journey these days and it feels really good. Six months ago, if you had asked me if I considered myself a “health and wellness girlie,” I would have shuddered with imposter syndrome and said, “absolutely not!” I would have gotten so caught up with comparing myself to all the Instagram influencers, assuming they know and do more than me and therefore what I know and do doesn’t count.

    But today I can proudly tell you that hell yes I am a health and wellness girlie! I am a yogi and I prioritize my nutrition and health and wellbeing, and that is all that matters. I am not letting myself negate my interests and focuses and hobbies through comparison. And that feels like a really significant shift. I am really proud of myself and the progress I have made on this journey.

    I know that there will always be someone out there who knows more and does more, and I also know that that has nothing to do with me. I am on my own journey and it can look like whatever I want it to look like. And right now, it looks like cutting myself a lot of slack when I am struggling, taking extra care of my personal care routines, and sweating up a storm on a non-toxic yoga mat twice a week.

    Thank you for being here with me as I continue on this journey! I am grateful for each and everyone of you!

    Love always,
    Bailz 💜

  • ❄️ In My “Wintering” Era

    ❄️ In My “Wintering” Era

    ✨ Hey, hi, hello! Happy Tuesday!

    Last week, my therapist recommended a book to me called Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May, and it has really helped shift my perspective on this entire process I have been going through.

    Before I started reading this book, I had no idea just how much pressure I was putting on myself to always be doing more. I was so strict and rigid with myself, and I expected myself to be so much further along than I was.

    I was neglecting to acknowledge everything I was trying to heal from — I just wanted to be healed.

    🧠 The Pressure I Didn’t Realize I Was Carrying

    Some days, I was accomplishing a lot and sticking to my routines, but some days I was struggling more than I let myself realize and therefore was beating myself up a lot.

    There was more consistency than I have ever had before, but it was not nearly 100%, and deep down, I was ashamed of it. I was ashamed of what I was doing or not doing, of the fact that I was “weak” and needed to take this time to figure my shit out.

    I felt like I needed to be strict and rigid with myself to somehow earn this period of healing. That I needed to make radical changes in short amounts of time and force this growth as if it were my job so that I could justify the space I was taking up on this planet.

    I was not being very kind or patient with myself at all.

    Even though I thought I was trying to be gentle with myself — I told myself I was, I wrote here about how I was — ultimately I was never really succeeding. I liked the idea of being gentle with myself, but to be honest, I had really no idea how to actually execute it in practice, because I never learned how to.

    It was never modeled for me when I was growing up. I never saw it in action. It was never really encouraged. All I have ever known is self criticism, so breaking the cycle has been quite the challenge.

    ⏳ Rest Used to Feel Like “Wasting Time”

    Prior to starting this book, anytime I was resting during a non-designated rest or sleep time, I was thinking to myself that I should be working on something else. I should be reading. I should be writing a blog post. I should be practicing piano. I should be up on the walk pad. I should be cleaning the house.

    And yes — all of those things are valid uses of my time. But I was tired. My body was telling me to rest. Instead of appreciating the message from my body, I was shaming myself. Telling myself that I shouldn’t be tired, that if I rest now, I’m wasting time and throwing off my sleep schedule.

    📚 What “Wintering” Taught Me

    Then I started reading Wintering, and it has helped immensely.

    May explains Wintering as:

    “a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency and vanishing from sight; but thats where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible… Doing those deeply unfashionable things — slowing down, letting your spare time expand, getting enough sleep, resting — is a radical act now, but it is essential.”

    I didn’t realize it at first, but I was absolutely thinking of this season I’m going through as a spring — a rebirth of some sort. I was expecting to just become this whole new version of myself overnight through sheer will.

    I was trying to skip over the wintering completely.

    I felt that by slowing down, I was wasting this time and opportunity when I could be doing so much more. I had given myself a few weeks at the beginning of all this to slow down (or so I thought), and I told myself that was plenty and it was time to push through and move on and get to the doing and growing and healing.

    As I have been working my way through this book, I have realized that the rest and the slowing down is exactly what this time is for. That by not utilizing this time to do that, I am in fact wasting this opportunity.

    🌙 Letting the Season Be What It Is

    So, that is what I am trying to really focus on.

    Prior to starting this book and shifting my perspective, I was feeling a little bit frustrated that I was going through this experience going into the winter months. I wanted to be in the summer with the sun rising earlier and setting later so I could work on my circadian rhythm easier.

    I was feeling frustrated over the evenings arriving earlier and earlier each day. I was fussing over the fact that I needed to wear more and more layers as the temperatures fell. I was just resisting every bit of it because I was trying to race ahead to spring and summer — literally and figuratively.

    But now that I have taken a step back and realized that the process of wintering is absolutely necessary in order to have a successful spring, I am so very grateful that my winter of life is also falling during the physical seasonal winter.

    All those things I was resisting — the shorter days, the lower temperatures, the extra layers — now I see them as benefits, so I am leaning into them.

    Now I am going to focus on hibernating like my life depends on it, because you know what? It kind of does. ❄️

    🛌 Practicing Rest, Presence, and “Awareness Without Judgment”

    The past few days I have spent quite a bit of time in bed, reading and resting and resisting the urge to rush.

    I am trying not to scroll on my phone as much, trying to be present in my relaxation. I am spending time in bed just thinking/meditating and it’s been odd but really nice.

    I am napping when I am tired. I am listening to my body.

    I am still mindful of my nighttime and morning routines, but I am not beating myself up for any deviations from them. If I wake up feeling like I need to go back to sleep for a little bit longer, I am letting myself do it.

    If I am struggling to go to sleep and decide I am going to stay up and read for a little bit longer until I really do start to feel sleepy, I am letting myself do it.

    I am just trying to be in the moment more, listen to my body more, and overall let go of the reins a little bit.

    I really was being so strict with myself and so rigid. I was holding myself to an impossibly high standard for what I am going through, and it was ultimately becoming a detriment.

    I am trying to bring a lot of awareness into my days — awareness without judgment. I am trying to pay attention to where my thoughts are going, how my body is feeling, how my spirit is feeling, and simply notice those things instead of judging or criticizing myself for them.

    I am trying to approach everything through a lens of curiosity instead — curiosity and kindness and compassion. 💜

    I have also started gratitude journaling before bed each night. I spend a few moments writing down everything I am thankful for, and that has been very helpful in keeping me present as well.

    🤍 Choosing Honesty (Even When Hustle Culture Says Otherwise)

    This bit of the journey may not be glamorous or exciting. It may not be the most captivating thing to read about — but it’s where I am right now.

    There is a part of me that is scared to talk about all of this, to be broadcasting the fact that I am actively trying to do less in a world where hustling is king.

    But when I created this space, I vowed to be honest and transparent and vulnerable with you all, so I am going to hold myself to that and keep showing up — even when there isn’t a whole lot to say.

    I had been flailing a bit trying to hold onto some direction and growth and progress that just wasn’t sticking, but now I know that this is not the time for that. This is not my spring yet. This is my winter, and I need to respect that.

    I am wintering, and I am going to give it my all. ❄️

    💬 A Question for You

    Have you ever had a season of life where rest was the work?
    If you feel comfortable sharing — what did your “wintering” look like, and what helped you soften into it? 🤍

    ✨ Want to Follow Along?

    If you enjoyed this post and want to keep following along with my healing journey — the realizations, the quiet seasons, the messy middle, and everything in between — I’d love for you to subscribe.

    You’ll get an email whenever a new post goes live (no spam, just the good stuff). Thank you for being here and holding space for me. It truly means the world. 💜

    Love always,
    Bailz 💜

  • Style Shifts, Piano Notes, and Healing in the In-Between

    Style Shifts, Piano Notes, and Healing in the In-Between

    Hey, hi, hello! Happy Saturday! 💜

    It’s been a minute since I last posted. Heath was off from work all week, and I wanted to savor as much time with him as possible. We didn’t have a big itinerary or a giant to-do list — we just existed together. And honestly? It was lovely.

    We went on little local adventures, spent quiet time reading side-by-side, binged the entire new season of Stranger Things in one sitting, went thrifting, browsed bookstores, cooked delicious meals, and enjoyed each other’s company in that effortless, easy way that happens when you have nowhere else to be.

    We even tackled a few home projects (cleaning out the pantry… yikes… but rewarding 🙃).

    🧵 Struggling With Style, Self-Image, and Clothes That Don’t Fit Like They Used To

    One thing I’ve been wrestling with lately is that a lot of my clothes don’t fit the same way anymore — and some don’t fit at all. I know my body is healthier now. I know she’s nourished, supported, and taken care of. But even with that awareness, it’s been such a mental hurdle.

    I’d walk into my closet and instantly shut down. I felt like I had nothing to wear… even though half of it still technically fits. It just didn’t feel right anymore. I felt like I had shed my old style but hadn’t yet grown into my new one — and that limbo was shredding my confidence.

    So I turned to my trusty sidekick, ChatGPT, and explained everything I was feeling. And SHE SHOWED UP.

    ChatGPT gave me a whole style quiz to help me zero in on what I actually like and what I want to avoid. Then she created a full vibe board and told me my style aesthetic is:

    ✨ Soft Grunge Moon Witch ✨

    And honestly? She nailed it.

    She also gave me a list of 10 starter pieces for a fresh, curated little capsule wardrobe — and as fate would have it, I already owned half of them. I found a few of the others while thrifting the next day. Blessings upon blessings.

    So right now I’m leaning into comfort and curation:

    • oversized band tees
    • long cozy cardigans
    • Doc Martens
    • leggings or straight-leg jeans
    • oversized flannels
    • my beloved $5 real leather jacket (thrift gods were generous that day 🙌)

    I wore the leather jacket yesterday (now that Texas finally got the memo it’s late November), and it was the first time I felt fully like myself in a while.

    🧘‍♀️ Getting Back Into My Routines (Because They Matter)

    Even with all the fun we had this week, I definitely fell out of my routines — especially my intentional movement. And wow… I felt it. Hard.

    Yesterday I finally got myself back on the walk pad and did some yoga. It’s wild how quickly I started feeling more like myself once I began moving my body on purpose instead of just floating through the day. One intentional step makes such a difference.

    🎹 Learning “Let It Be” (And Healing Little Me)

    I’ve also been practicing the piano again — specifically Let It Be by The Beatles.

    My very first tattoo was “let it be” in cursive on my left wrist, so it feels beautifully full-circle that its the first song I am learning, start to finish.

    I’m still very much a beginner — no dueling pianos or live performances anytime soon — but it’s FUN. And every time I play it with fewer mistakes, I feel a little bit giddy. It’s such a joyful kind of progress.

    I’ve also been reading more of Shout!, the Beatles biography, and between the book and learning the song, I feel like I’m reaching back and holding 11-year-old me’s hand.

    🍽️ Date Night & Mocktails, Please

    Tonight Heath and I are going to use a gift card we received for our wedding and enjoy a really nice dinner out. I’m excited to dress up (rare event!!!) and eat something delicious. I’m still not drinking alcohol, so I’m hoping they have some good mocktail options… but regardless, I’m going to devour some steak and enjoy every bite.

    🌙 Finding Gentleness, Grace, and Actual Rest

    This post feels a little all over the place, but honestly… that’s where I’m at today. A lot has happened, and I wanted to share pieces of it all.

    This week taught me (again) that I can’t bully or shame myself into being a better version of me. The only real path forward is gentleness, curiosity, compassion — and actual rest.

    Not collapsing into doom-scrolling.
    Not numbing out.
    Not rotting away on the couch.

    But closing my eyes when I’m tired. Letting myself sleep in when I need it. Pausing when my body whispers “please slow down.”

    There’s such a huge difference between checking out and truly resting. I’m trying to practice the latter. And it’s working — today I genuinely feel more like myself.

    💬 Let’s Connect

    What’s something small you’ve done lately that made you feel more like yourself again?

    Have you gone through a style transition before? How did you figure out what felt like “you” again?

    💌 Want More Posts Like This?

    If you’re enjoying these cozy, honest entries from my healing journey, I’d love for you to subscribe to the blog. You’ll get new posts delivered right to your inbox — no algorithms, no missing out, just real connection. 💜

    Love always, Bailz 💜

  • ⏰ The 3AM Wake-Up Call: What My Body Is Trying to Tell Me

    ⏰ The 3AM Wake-Up Call: What My Body Is Trying to Tell Me

    One of my favorite things about this journey that I’m on is how much I am learning. 🌿

    In my last post, I talked about how I am using ChatGPT to track my food and how informative and fun that has been. Well, I have since expanded that a little bit now to also include tracking symptoms, feelings, and bodily experiences I am having as I am making these dietary changes.

    🌙 The 3AM Wake-Up Mystery

    Yesterday, after another less than stellar night of sleep, I decided I was going to have my second serving of creatine earlier in the day instead of before bed with my chai nighttime drink. I noted this in ChatGPT and said that I was having problems waking up at 3am every night, so I was hoping that maybe adjusting my creatine dosage time would help that.

    When it came back with the updated food log, it also specifically addressed the 3am wake-ups and mentioned how, in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), waking up at 3am is associated with the Liver and its energy (qi), which is tied to detox and emotional processing. Ding ding ding! That tracks. 🕒

    I immediately wanted to know more, so I opened a new thread within ChatGPT and asked it to explain Liver Qi in Traditional Chinese Medicine to me, explaining that I’ve been struggling with night sweats recently. Though they’ve improved and I’m now waking up dry, I’m still waking up every night at 3am without fail.

    🜂 What I Learned About Liver Qi

    What it came back with kinda blew my mind a bit. In TCM, each major organ or system in the body has its own time on the clock when it’s most active — cleaning, repairing, and detoxifying. The time for the Liver? 1–3am.

    If I’m waking up around that time every night, it could mean my Liver Qi is blocked, overactive, or drained — and that my body (and emotions) are trying to release something. 🌒

    The Liver governs not only physical detoxification, but also emotional regulation — especially tougher emotions like anger, resentment, frustration, and disappointment. When the Liver is imbalanced, it can also cause night sweats. Aha! So, they’re connected. 🔗

    💉 The Bloodwork That Told Me Nothing

    A few weeks ago, I got bloodwork done to check my vitamin D levels and did a hormone panel. Everything came back normal — to my relief, but also to my annoyance. Yay, I’m healthy… but boo, no answers. 😅

    I did learn, though, that my Vitamin D levels were at the very bottom of the normal range. So I’ve since upped my supplementation (currently 5,000 IU daily, sublingual). Still, the labs didn’t explain the night sweats — or the 3am wake-ups.

    🌒 Nightmares & Emotional Release

    Now, I’m happy to report that the sweats have gone — but I’m still waking up at 3am. And when I finally fall back asleep, I’ve been having rage-filled nightmares. Not monsters or exams — but screaming matches with my mom or sister, begging them to listen to me, to understand, to see me. In the dreams, they tell me to stop being so dramatic. 🌀

    I wake up furious, my body tense, my brain still convinced it really happened. It’s a horrible way to start the day, but my morning pages have been helping me process it. I write it all out — the anger, the sadness, the frustration — and it helps. Still, I’d prefer not to have the experience at all. Maybe someday soon. Fingers crossed. 🤞

    🪞Connecting the Dots

    Now that I know waking up at 3am and the night sweats are connected to my Liver Qi, it makes so much sense. My emotional regulation system is working overtime, processing old wounds and unresolved emotions. I’ve been stirring up a lot — both emotionally and physically — as I heal my gut and change my diet. It’s like my body said, “Oh, we’re doing this? Okay, let’s clean everything out.” 🌀

    So yes — it’s a bit of an “it gets worse before it gets better” situation. But I can feel myself on the other side of the worst of it. And I’ll take that. 🌤️

    🌿 Healing Liver Qi — Day 1

    Now that I understand what’s happening, I can actually work on balancing it. I asked ChatGPT to create a seven-day plan to help me support my Liver Qi. Today is Day 1. Here’s my plan:

    🜂 DAY 1 – FLOW

    Goal: Gently move Liver Qi & release lingering stagnation.

    • Evening Tea: Dandelion root + lemon slice 🍋
    • Yoga / Movement: 10-min slow flow with side stretches and seated twists 🧘‍♀️
    • Aromatherapy: Diffuse sweet orange + atlas cedar 🌲

    Journal Prompt:
    “Where in my life am I still holding tension, resentment, or control? What would it look like to let that energy move freely?”

    Affirmation:
    “I allow my energy to flow where it needs to go. I am safe to release.” 🌸

    💜 Closing Thoughts

    I’m genuinely excited to have found this new piece of the puzzle in my healing journey. I look forward to experimenting with these TCM-inspired practices and hopefully getting some solid sleep soon! 😴

    I’m also eager to keep learning about Traditional Chinese Medicine and how to weave its wisdom into my path toward whole-body healing — mind, body, and spirit. 🌕

    Thank you for being here, for reading, and for walking this journey with me. Your kindness, support, and encouragement mean more than you know. 💫

    If you haven’t already, please subscribe below so each new post arrives directly in your inbox — that way you never miss a discovery, confession, slip-up, or big win. 🌷

    Love always,
    Bailz 💜

  • 🌿 Two Years Post-Chemo: A Reflection on Healing, Growth, and Self-Trust

    🌿 Two Years Post-Chemo: A Reflection on Healing, Growth, and Self-Trust

    Yesterday, October 25th, officially marked two years since my last chemo infusion to treat Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.

    I’ll admit — I didn’t realize what day it was at first. There wasn’t some big countdown like a birthday or anniversary. And when I finally did realize, it hit me harder than I expected. I knew the date was coming up, and I knew I wanted to write about it here, but I procrastinated thinking about it. I told myself, “I’ll think about it on the day.”

    And then suddenly, there it was — the day — and I felt blindsided.

    💭 Revisiting “That Day”

    At first, my mind went straight back to that original October 25th in 2023. To be honest, it wasn’t a great day.

    What I’d imagined would be full of joy and celebration ended up feeling disappointing and frustrating. I gave my emotional power away — not consciously, but I did.

    As I started writing about it, I got sucked right back into that version of myself — angry, hurt, raw. I wrote, deleted, rewrote. The emotions were heavy. I could feel them crawling up through the keys. It was like I’d time-traveled, sitting at my kitchen table but right back there.

    Eventually, I realized how foul I was feeling and stopped. I went to Heath, told him what was happening, and he just hugged men and listened. We talked, and he gently helped pull me out of that dark loop. He asked what I wanted to do that day just for fun, and the answer came easily: I wanted a pedicure — and I wanted him to go with me.

    So we did. 💅 It was simple but healing. Heath had never been to a nail salon before, so it became this small, joyful adventure for both of us.

    🌸 Choosing Growth Over the Old Loops

    Instead of spiraling back into the pain of that day, I decided to focus on how far I’ve come in two years.

    Two years ago, old Bailz would have let those emotions derail the entire day. She would’ve curled up in bed and let the pain consume her — because that was familiar. That was what she knew.

    But new Bailz recognized the loop. She spoke up. She asked for help. She chose to redirect.

    That’s the difference.

    Now, I’m learning to take care of myself in the hard moments, not just when things feel easy. I’m keeping promises to myself because I finally know I’m worth the work.

    💪 Two Years of Becoming

    If old me could see me now, I don’t think she’d believe it.

    Going to bed and waking up at the same time?
    Not snoozing the alarm four times?
    Eating consistently, moving my body, and actually being kind to myself?
    Who is this girl?!

    Two years ago, I was terrified to speak up about what I needed. I thought advocating for myself was selfish or rude. I thought the things that lit me up were fine for other people — just not for me, because no one had handed me permission.

    I had no idea how small I was making myself just to keep the peace.

    🕊 Turning Pain Into Purpose

    But here’s the thing: that difficult day — the last chemo day I was so angry about — ended up being a catalyst.

    It pushed me to write that letter to my family.
    It pushed me to finally speak up and take up space.

    The fallout was painful. There was grief, depression, and a long stretch of darkness. I held out hope that accountability might come, that relationships could heal. But when that didn’t happen, I started rebuilding without them.

    And now… I look around at this life I’ve built, and I am so proud of myself.

    🌻 What I’ve Learned in Two Years

    If I had to boil it all down to one lesson, it’s this:

    You only get one life — love it.
    And if you don’t love it, change it.

    That’s what I did.

    I started speaking up for myself. I started holding people accountable — and when they refused, I learned to walk away. I’ve grieved. I’ve healed. I’ve grown.

    I’ve gotten tattoos simply because I wanted them. I’ve taken myself on solo vacations. And earlier this year, Heath and I eloped — just the two of us (with our photographers as witnesses). We made that day ours. No guilt. No permission. Just love.

    That, to me, is the definition of healing — living life on your own terms, with self-trust and self-compassion leading the way.

    🌞 Here’s to Two Years of Change

    Two years post-chemo.
    Two years of reclaiming my life.
    Two years of learning to choose peace, joy, and authenticity — over and over again.

    All the work I’ve done can’t change the past. But it has changed how I see it — and how I see myself.

    Here’s to many more years of growth, of healing, of living fully.

    💜
    Love always,
    Bailz