I was in my car headed to the yoga studio, listening to some 60s hits, singing and vibing along, feeling very cute in my new matching yoga leggings and crop top set, and genuinely excited to arrive at my destination and attend my first restorative yoga class.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, it hit me. I was doing something that younger versions of me could have only dreamed of. And not only was I just doing it, I was doing it without having to completely psyche myself up for it. And until that moment, I didn’t realize just how huge that was for me. But once I did, it felt like I was flooded with an inner bright light, some sort of a total energy vibration.
🌿 Slow Growth, Big Realizations
One of the main themes of this journey so far has been going slow and creating manageable growth, and as a result, I hadn’t really appreciated just how far I have come recently. When I did, I was flooded with a sense of pride and excitement.
I just couldn’t get over how impressed I was with myself that I was going to this class at all, not to mention going by myself. I just decided that I wanted to start going to yoga classes, and I started going. I didn’t wait until I could find someone to go with me, I just started going on my own. That level of independence is pretty huge for me.
And it’s been building slowly in the background, so slowly that I didn’t even realize it until I stopped and looked around and noticed where I was.
And I gotta tell you, it feels pretty freaking good.
🎯 The Goals I Set (And Actually Reached)
When I first started therapy in November, my therapist asked me what some of my goals were. Two of them were be more independent and feel more confident overall. Today I can say with great pride that in the last 3 months I have made some incredible progress on both of those.
I know for certain that I only got here because I took a lot of small steps. If I had tried to make this huge change overnight, I would have sent myself into a full on panic. I know this because I have tried many, many times. And it never ever worked out. So this time, I went slow and I focused on improving just 1% at a time. Sometimes, on the harder days, I would be satisfied with even just half a percent.
And guess what? It absolutely worked.
🔎 Zooming Out & Seeing The Big Picture
Since my epiphany Monday night, I have been focusing more on zooming out and seeing more of the big picture, letting myself really appreciate how far I’ve come. And I now know I have made a lot more progress than I was giving myself credit for before.
Overall, my anxiety is significantly less than it has ever been. And I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I am being consistently nicer to myself in my head. Not just nice, but supportive and encouraging even.
The amount of times I tell myself “good job!” in a day now is staggering. Before this journey, that wasn’t even a part of my internal vocabulary. All I ever did was criticize myself, but shifting my perspective and simply bringing awareness to my inner monologues has made a huge difference over time.
Slowly but surely I transitioned from constantly judging myself to curiously observing myself. And it absolutely changed the game.
🧠 Presence = Better Memory (Who Knew?)
I’ve also noticed that my memory has improved. I used to walk into rooms and have no idea why I walked in them, but that hasn’t happened in quite a while.
Also, pretty consistently I would come up with some sort of a question in my mind, and then think “I’m going to look that up,” and then by the time I pulled up Google I would have forgotten what I was going to google. It was happening daily, like multiple times a day. But now, it doesn’t seem to be a problem anymore.
I am a lot more present and focused on what is right in front of me, and less likely to be thinking about 12 different things all at once.
🕯️ The Power of Intention & Mindfulness
I have learned that intention and mindfulness have been incredibly significant in this journey and my progress thus far. I am actively focusing on paying attention to what I am doing in each moment, no matter what it is.
If I am brushing my teeth, I am doing my best to give all of my focus to brushing my teeth in that moment. If I am resting, I am doing my best to give all of my attention to my restful activity, whatever that may be. If I am working on a blog post, I am focusing all of my attention on writing instead of letting my brain tell me all the other things I could or should be doing.
And that shift has been monumental in the overall big picture.
💜 A Version of Me I’m Proud Of
It has been a little over 3 months since I started therapy and I can very happily report that I am genuinely more independent and feeling more confident than I did when I started. I look at the woman I am now and I am just so proud.
Look at me, going to yoga classes on my own, investing in tools that will help me take better care of myself without guilt, taking myself out on little dates fairly frequently, celebrating all my little wins, and genuinely being intentionally kind to myself.
And it’s all possible because I didn’t force any of it. I slowed down, and gave myself permission and space to let go of the pressure and just exist without any expectations. I started learning how to trust myself and how to trust that everything happens right on time.
✨ Exactly Where I’m Meant To Be
This evening I am going back for my second restorative class and I am so excited for it. As I was finishing up the rest of this post, I got a message from the owner of the studio thanking me for signing up for my monthly membership and asking me how I was liking it and if I had any questions.
I already knew that this was the absolute right thing for me to be doing in the right place, but this just solidified it even more.
I am so grateful for all the little steps I have taken, on the good days and the harder ones, to get me where I am today. I feel so confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this exact moment in life.
Thank you for being here and for following along on this journey with me! I am so grateful that I get to share all of this with you, one step at a time.
It has been quite a while since I last posted, and it feels weird but very good to be back.
I decided to step away because when I was writing my last post, I was really struggling with the whole process. I had a hard time coming up with what I wanted to say, and ultimately I was beating myself up because I felt like I didn’t have a whole lot of meaningful wisdom to impart. I was putting a heck of a lot of pressure on myself, more than I even realized at the time. So, after some reflection, I decided to take a little break without any real plan of how long that break would be. I just knew intuitively that it was what I needed to do.
🌿 Trusting My Timing (And Myself)
A lot of what I have been working on in therapy is trusting myself and my instincts, learning how to listen to what my body and my nervous system need in each moment. I’m also working on honoring the process and not rushing.
Each time I have made a big step forward, like getting sober or taking a break from social media, I have said to my therapist, “I wish I had done it so much sooner!” And each time she stops me and says, “No, you weren’t ready before. You did it when you were ready.” And you know what? She’s right! If I had tried to get sober before I was ready, it would not have stuck. Same with social media. So when I took a step away from the blog, I knew I had to listen to myself and trust that I would know when I was ready to come back. And, hey guess what, it worked!
I trusted my instincts, I trusted that I would post again when I felt ready, and I trusted that I would know when I felt ready again without forcing it. I am really grateful that I listened to those instincts because as I sit here writing this post I feel a lot more centered and way less pressured. I am genuinely excited to be writing again. Sure, I’m a little nervous, and a little rusty, but still excited.
🧠 Letting Go of the Pressure
At first when I stepped away, I was admittedly beating myself up pretty badly pretty consistently. I kept telling myself I needed to go ahead and post again because it had already been so long and I just needed to get it together and come up with something to write about. And the more I tried to push myself, the further and further I stayed away from my keyboard.
So I took some time to reflect on that and then decided to try something different. I decided that I would just let myself let it go for a while. I gave myself permission to release the pressure and be authentic and trust myself. If for whatever reason, I never ended up posting again, so be it. If I came up with something I wanted to write about, I knew I would feel it strongly and it wouldn’t feel forced. I trusted myself, and it took some time, but now here we are, back to writing and feeling good about it! HUZZAH!
🚢 The Cruise, The Balcony, And The Inner Critic
I’ve spent most of my time away continuing to focus on wintering, but there have also been some notable events worth sharing. First, Heath and I went on a cruise. It was a great time, and I am so glad we went. But I have to admit, during the actual vacation, I was being pretty mean to myself.
All I wanted to do was sit on our balcony and read and look out at the water and listen to the waves and just be quiet and still. And that is what I did for the most part. But I was also simultaneously telling myself that I should be making the most out of the trip, that we should be going on excursions at every port and participating in all the on board activities and going to all the shows each night. I told myself that by staying in the room and on the balcony for the majority of the time, I was wasting the trip, even though deep down I knew I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.
I knew I was honoring what my body and nervous system needed, but at the same time I was criticizing myself for it. I was able to recognize what was happening, and I actively worked on being present and trying to ignore my inner critic, but honestly, it was a struggle.
Even when we got back to Fort Worth, I was having a hard time with it all. I was feeling guilty that I didn’t do more, I was feeling guilty that I was so happy to be home. Truth be told, it took me almost a week to get myself back.
Now that I have had some time to reflect, I am proud of myself for not forcing myself to do any of the things I told myself I “should” have been doing. I’m glad I did exactly what I wanted to do, even though I mentally struggled with it at the time. I know I would have been a lot worse off if I had ignored what my body and my nervous system were telling me and tried to force things I didn’t feel up to, that didn’t feel authentic. I trusted myself and I did what I felt up to, regardless of what it might look like to other people. It was a struggle, but I did it and I feel good about it.
🦷 Facing The Dentist (Finally)
When we got back, I went to the dentist for the first time in many, many years. It’s something I had been putting off over and over because honestly I just wasn’t ready to tackle that tiger yet.
For some context, when I am struggling with my mental health, personal care, specifically brushing my teeth, is usually the first thing to get tossed out the window. I’m not really sure why it is, but when I am feeling really rotten, the last thing I want to do is something to take care of myself, to do something responsible. If I didn’t have to go anywhere or interact with anyone, I just didn’t care about it. Gross, I know. But its true.
Also, my drinking and smoking directly affected things as well. Most nights, I would be too buzzed to think about taking care of myself in that way, or feeling too lazy to get up and do it. I am not proud of it, but its the truth. I just didn’t care, it was never a priority. For years and years.
So, ultimately, I had convinced myself that I had forever ruined my teeth because of that. I convinced myself that because it had been so long, there was going to be an enormous amount of work to be done, that I’d probably have to have root canals done on all of my teeth or that I’d lose them all and would need implants or something like that, even though I was not experiencing any pain or could detect any real issues on my own. I just told myself it would be horrible, so I put it off for years and years.
But then, I started this self healing adventure, and somewhere deep within me I knew that the dentist would eventually be a part of it. Not right off the bat obviously, but eventually. I started with other things first, like regulating my nervous system through chiropractic care, getting sober, and starting therapy.
Then, at the beginning of January, I decided I was ready. All of the sudden, I just felt ready. I’m not really sure exactly what changed, I just know that the thought of the dentist didn’t seem quite so scary, it seemed like something that I could actually handle now. I felt ready.
📞 The Phone Call Win
Once I had this realization, I immediately got online and found a holistic dentist near me. I did my research and made sure it was going to be a good fit, then I called and got an appointment scheduled. I’d like to take a quick moment to point out that in itself is a pretty big deal for me. For whatever reason, I have a good amount of anxiety about calling strangers on the phone. I always have, as long as I can remember. I’m not sure why, but its a pretty strong fear.
For some reason though, I didn’t feel so anxious to make this call. To be honest, I was kind of excited actually. I knew that I would feel really accomplished and proud of myself once I had made the call and scheduled the appointment, and somehow that overshadowed all possibilities of anxiety prior to the call. I didn’t even hesitate, I just dialed the number. It felt really odd but also really good.
✅ The Results (Not Nearly As Bad As I Feared)
My first appointment was just x-rays and scans to see what was going on, inside and out. Shockingly, even though it had been almost 10 years since my last dental appointment, the prognosis was not nearly as bad as I had built up in my head. In terms of work to be done, I only needed a deep cleaning and 2 fillings. Not sure how that is possible, but I will absolutely take it.
I also learned that I have some gum recession and some teeny tiny stress fractures in my teeth that are the result of constantly clenching my jaw… which, to be honest, not so shocking. I have known that constantly clenching my jaw is an issue, but I had no idea it could cause these kinds of things. So now, I am overly focused on my jaw and constantly telling myself “release, stop clenching!” And I think I am making some good progress. Simply bringing consistent awareness to it has been a game changer.
Other than that, everything else looked pretty good, and that was such a relief! They did all of the necessary work over two appointments, starting with deep cleaning the right side of my mouth and completing one filling, and then they tackled the left side and the other filling a week later. They numbed me up thoroughly for both appointments, so they were significantly less uncomfortable than I had anticipated. Overall, the whole process was dare I say easy and painless.
🙋♀️ Advocating For Myself
When they were doing my left side, I was a little more sensitive than I had been on the right side. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that old Bailz would have just sucked it up and endured the pain because she would not have wanted to burden the dentist and ask for more numbing shots. But thanks to all of the work I have been dedicating myself to recently, I am no longer old Bailz!
So as soon as I realized that this side felt significantly different, I raised my hand immediately and spoke up for what I needed. And guess what? They were more than happy to handle it. No one judged me or laughed at me or told me I was asking for too much. They actually thanked me for speaking up. Imagine that!
Once I was thoroughly numbed, the rest of the procedure was easy peasy and I had the added bonus of feeling victorious for advocating for myself. It’s a little thing, but these are the little wins that add up over time and are creating a whole new version of myself. So I am doing my best to celebrate each and every little win as they come because I know its important.
🪥 A New Nonnegotiable Routine
After all the work was done, my dentist walked me through a personalized oral health care routine to keep up with at home and I am honestly really enjoying it. It has become a nonnegotiable part of my morning and evening routines, whether I am going to be interacting with people or not.
It has shifted from feeling like a hassle to becoming something I am doing for myself because I see the value in taking care of myself. The more I do them, the more I enjoy the little things I do to show myself love, to support my health, and to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking care of, time after time.
And the more I am keeping up with it, I am learning that the more I show up for myself, the easier it gets to keep doing so.
🔥 Hot Yoga: A Plot Twist
Last week, my chiropractor posted about a hot yoga Galentine’s Day event they were hosting at a local yoga studio. I had never tried hot yoga before, but I do love yoga itself. I practice at home, almost daily, and after 3 years of practicing off and on, recently I had been toying with the idea of finding a studio where I could take classes in person instead of only relying on YouTube. When I saw my chiropractor’s post, I knew immediately that this felt like the perfect opportunity to dip my toe in the hot yoga pool.
Without letting myself overthink it, I bought my ticket and added it to my calendar. I really wasn’t sure what to expect. I had no clue if I would be able to keep up or if I could handle the heat, but I also knew that I would never find out if I never tried. So I packed up my mat, filled up my water bottle, and decided to give it my all and see what happened. I showed up, nervous but excited.
You guys, I am OBSESSED with hot yoga now. That class unlocked something within me. Normally, getting sweaty gives me the absolute ick, but somehow this hits different. I don’t understand why or how, but I actually enjoyed the aspect of sweating in this scenario. It was like I could feel the toxins and negative energy leaving my body in real time. It was truly wild.
Also, not gonna lie, I was so impressed with how much I was able to do. I realize now that in my years of at home practice, I had not given myself nearly enough credit for my yogi skills. I had been telling myself that because I was just doing videos at home by myself that somehow it didn’t really count. But I don’t think that anymore. I know that I am absolutely a yogi and I am leaning so far into it now.
The studio where the event was held offers a free first class (the event didn’t count), so I signed up in the app and booked myself for a 60 minute Vinyasa class this past Friday morning. To be honest, it was a little more difficult than the Galentine’s event, BUT I still held my own and confirmed that I really want this to become part of my wellness journey.
Yesterday, I signed up for a month unlimited membership and I am booked to go back Monday evening for a restorative class. I am thinking of starting with going twice a week. One restorative class and one Vinyasa class and see how my body handles that.
🧘♀️ The Mat Upgrade
I also ordered myself a new cork yoga mat with a natural rubber backing, specifically made for hot yoga. I did this for a few reasons. First of all, the one I have now is pretty old and kind of falling apart. Winston and Wrigley like to “help me” practice at home and their claws do no favors to the mat.
I also learned very quickly during my first two classes that my current mat gets slippery AF by the end of class and that just seems unnecessarily dangerous. Additionally, I now know that it’s made of toxic chemicals and forever plastics, which I didn’t know too much about when I first ordered it. Now I know a lot more, and I knew that when I replaced my mat it would be with something that was good for both me and the earth. So that is exactly what I did.
🌱 Owning My “Health & Wellness Girlie” Era
I am really leaning into my health and wellness journey these days and it feels really good. Six months ago, if you had asked me if I considered myself a “health and wellness girlie,” I would have shuddered with imposter syndrome and said, “absolutely not!” I would have gotten so caught up with comparing myself to all the Instagram influencers, assuming they know and do more than me and therefore what I know and do doesn’t count.
But today I can proudly tell you that hell yes I am a health and wellness girlie! I am a yogi and I prioritize my nutrition and health and wellbeing, and that is all that matters. I am not letting myself negate my interests and focuses and hobbies through comparison. And that feels like a really significant shift. I am really proud of myself and the progress I have made on this journey.
I know that there will always be someone out there who knows more and does more, and I also know that that has nothing to do with me. I am on my own journey and it can look like whatever I want it to look like. And right now, it looks like cutting myself a lot of slack when I am struggling, taking extra care of my personal care routines, and sweating up a storm on a non-toxic yoga mat twice a week.
Thank you for being here with me as I continue on this journey! I am grateful for each and everyone of you!
I’ve taken a bit of a break from updating the blog recently. Life has been a little busier than usual, and when I have had downtime, I’ve been intentionally using it to rest, relax, and stay away from screens as much as possible. Taking a break from social media has been a deeply positive shift in my routine and has helped me move from a performative mindset into a much more present one.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve started paying closer attention to the things I tell myself, and I’m learning to approach those thoughts with curiosity instead of judgment.
🔄 Unlearning “I Can’t”
Recently, I noticed something surprising: I tell myself “I can’t” far more often than I ever realized.
As I sink deeper into this wintering season and slow down enough to really notice, I’m learning that so many of the “rules” we live by are completely made up. And if everything is made up… then I get to make up my own rules for my life.
Some of the ones I’ve been unconsciously following:
I can’t wear that shirt with those pants
I can’t shower before I’ve done my yoga for the day
I can’t read fiction before nonfiction
I can’t take myself out for coffee
I can’t start a week long yoga series midweek
So I made a new rule:
If it makes me happy and doesn’t harm anyone else, I’m doing it.
I’m dressing for comfort. I’m doing things when I feel called to them. I’m listening to my intuition. And wow… it feels incredible. Taking better care of myself has actually made it easier to handle the harder, less fun parts of life too.
💬 A Question for You
What’s a “rule” you’ve realized you’ve been following that doesn’t actually serve you?
🛂 Big #Adulting Energy
This past week brought some serious adulting moments. Heath and I are heading on a cruise next weekend, and last week I woke up in the middle of the night realizing I needed to renew my passport. Panic followed. Guilt followed. Negative self-talk followed.
But instead of spiraling, I slowed down. I breathed. I let the emotions move through my body. Then I tackled the problem step by step. I found a passport expediting service, shipped my documents the next day, and my new passport arrived today.
I’m pretty dang proud of myself. Old me would have avoided the situation entirely. This time, I faced it head-on.
And yes… seeing my married name on my passport still makes my heart flutter. 💜
🚗 A Granbury Adventure & Breaking Another Rule
I also updated my driver’s license this week. The Fort Worth DMV was booked months out, so I snagged a quicker appointment in Granbury and turned it into a solo adventure day.
Granbury is about an hour drive from Fort Worth, so before I got on the road I treated myself to an iced coffee and a kolache for the drive. I put on some tunes and began my journey.
I arrived about and hour and a half before my scheduled appointment, so I spent that time wandering around the town square, perusing the shelves of the local bookstore, and just enjoying the day.
After my DMV appointment was completed, I almost left town because the restaurant I was planning to go to for a midafternoon snack was closed until 5pm. I told myself, “I can’t stay that long.” I started to make my way back to Fort Worth. Then, as I was driving over the lake and leaving the town, I caught myself.
I turned my car around, and went to the public beach on Lake Granbury and had the whole place to myself. It was absolutely serene. I journaled, meditated, soaked up the sun, and enjoyed the quiet. Later, I went to the restaurant I was planning to go to earlier and had dinner and a delicious mocktail, and then drove home during a stunning Texas sunset.
I almost missed all of that because of a rule that wasn’t real.
❄️ Winter Is Here (And I’m Ready)
Texas has officially decided it’s winter, and we’re gearing up for a snowstorm. I stocked up on essentials, cleaned the house, and now I’m fully prepared to hibernate.
While I’m proud of all the recent adulting I’ve done, I’m very ready to get back to slowing down and wintering like it’s my job.
📚 Books, Rituals & Simple Joys
I’ve been rereading the Throne of Glass series and savoring it this time around. When I read it for the first time last year, I was absolutely rushing through it like it was a race. I also didn’t end up finishing it. I put the last book in the series down when I was about half way though. So to start it over from the beginning and really immerse myself in the world feels really good.
I’m also deeply loving my new nighttime routine:
Bedtime yoga with Yoga With Adriene
Oil pulling with coconut oil
Gratitude journaling
Legs-up-the-wall stretch for 15+ minutes
It all came together pretty naturally, and it feels aligned. I am gently winding my system down each night, unhurried, unscheduled, but fully present, and I am really enjoying it. Gratitude is a core value of mine, and including gratitude journaling in my routine each night helps me highlight and return to it daily.
🎶 Pirate Radio, Sobriety & Reclaiming My Power
Another thing that brought me joy this week was rewatching one of my favorite movies, Pirate Radio. It never fails to put a smile on my face. Quoting along, singing along, laughing along, I enjoyed every minute of it. Because I have been listening to so much 60s music recently, the film has been on my mind quite a bit over the last few weeks. So I finally sat down and hit play and I am so grateful that I did. The last few times I have watched it over the past few years, I have undoubtedly been also scrolling on my phone and not giving it 100% of my attention. But that was not the case with this viewing and it felt so good.
Giving up social media has been one of the best things I have done for myself since I started this journey. I’d honestly put it up there with getting sober. It’s had that much of an impact on my life. I honestly may not go back to it in February. And if I do, I will not be downloading the apps back onto my phone. I simply don’t need it at my fingertips at any point in time.
Speaking of sobriety, I am almost at the 2 month mark since my last drink and I couldn’t not be happier. I really didn’t realize how much alcohol was affecting me until I removed it completely. Now that I know how much of a detriment it is to my health and my happiness, I simply cannot imagine willingly having a drink ever again. It just isn’t worth it to me. My health and happiness are far more important to me than having a drink. They are doing some good work in the world of mocktails these days, and I am perfectly happy to have one of those as a little treat every now and then and be able to feel good the next day.
🌱 Closing Thoughts
I am feeling a lot better a lot more consistently these days and I am really proud of myself for all of the work I have been doing to get myself to where I am. Sometimes the work doesn’t look like work. Sometimes it looks like sleeping when I am tired, doing things just for fun, or journaling about all the things I am thankful for. Just because it doesn’t look or feel like work doesn’t make it any less effective. Slowly but surely I am regulating my nervous system, finding myself, and reclaiming my power. And it feels freaking good.
Thank you all for being here as I go through this journey. I appreciate all of your love and support!
Today I want to talk about my sobriety. I’ll be honest, I have very bittersweet feelings about it. On one hand, I am incredibly proud of myself. Like, over-the-moon proud. Not just because I saw what needed to be done and did it, but because I’ve done it on my own, cold turkey.
I decided I wasn’t going to drink or smoke anymore and, with the exception of that small glass of champagne at dinner last weekend, I haven’t since November 17th. I haven’t sought out a drink, I haven’t ordered one, I haven’t made one. I haven’t smoked a bowl or lit up a joint or taken a gummy. I am actively getting sober all on my own, and that is huge.
And at the very same time, I am grieving. Drinking, vaping, and THC have all been woven through my life and identity for years. Letting them go feels like losing old (very toxic) friends. Two things can be true at once: I’m deeply proud of myself, and I’m deeply sad.
My complicated relationship with alcohol
Drinking has been part of my life since I was 18. Even before I had my first drink, I already had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol in my head. I built this story that alcohol would help me fit in, make me “cool,” make me easier to be around. I believed that if I could drink a lot, people would be impressed by me.
I sought it out at parties, with friends, anywhere I could. I wanted to feel buzzed, if not outright drunk. I wanted to escape, even though I never would have called it that back then. I told myself I was just “taking the edge off” or being social. It felt like a tool to turn down the volume on my anxiety and my overthinking. If I had a drink in my hand, I convinced myself I was easier to be around, less awkward, less “too much.”
I drank whether I was out with friends or at home by myself. I was drinking almost every single night unless I was sick, and even on those nights, I felt sad and disappointed that I “couldn’t” drink. Looking back, it’s painfully clear that I was actively numbing feelings I didn’t want to deal with. It was always easier to pour another glass of wine than to sit with myself and admit something needed to change.
A long chapter with nicotine
Before I ever started drinking, there were cigarettes. I started smoking when I was 17, another desperate attempt to numb big feelings and try to fit in or become someone I thought would be easier to love.
When I got to college, it really took off. I was smoking about a pack a day and I thought I was so cool for it. I was a moody English major at UGA, so of course I framed it as leaning into the “aesthetic.” I knew it was bad for me, but I told myself, “I’m young, I’ll quit later, it’ll be fine.” I loved the ritual: going outside, taking a break from everything else, just focusing on the cigarette. I really did love it.
When I turned 23, vaping started becoming a thing and I tried it. Almost immediately, I switched from cigarettes to vapes. I could smoke inside now—big win, right? It was terrible and great at the same time. I vaped like a chimney until I was 31, and then when the negative side effects (like a perpetual sore throat and feeling constantly off) outweighed the high, I decided to quit. I quit cold turkey—no patches, no gum, just done. The withdrawal was absolute hell, but I did it. And I was so, so proud.
Then, about two years ago, right after I created distance with my family and fell into heavy grief, I started hanging out with a new friend who vaped. One night, after a little too much wine, I asked if I could just have one puff. I told myself it was no big deal. Huge mistake.
She had a disposable with her and offered it to me to keep since there “wasn’t much left.” I told myself I could control it. Spoiler: I absolutely could not. As soon as it ran out, I bought more. Before I knew it, I was vaping like a chimney again and ordering them online in bulk so I’d never run out.
Very quickly, I was right back in addiction. I felt ashamed, disappointed, and embarrassed. I had been so proud to have quit, and then I threw all that work away for “just one puff.” I leaned hard on vaping again as a coping mechanism, and it was unhealthy on every level—physically, emotionally, mentally.
Finally, a few months ago, I’d had enough. I threw all my vapes away. Again, the withdrawal process was hell, but I got through it. Twice now, I have quit nicotine cold turkey. I think that experience gave me the courage and proof I needed to admit that I could also get sober from alcohol and THC.
My long love affair with THC
I started smoking weed toward the end of college, and pretty quickly it became a daily thing alongside the alcohol. Once again, I told myself it made me fun and interesting and that people would be impressed that I smoked and drank as much as I did. I wore it like a badge of honor, when really it was a giant red flag.
I leaned on THC heavily for a long time—not just for my anxiety, but also for my appetite. When I was struggling to eat, I told myself that weed “helped.” And sometimes it did make me hungry. But by the time it kicked in, I was usually too tired or out of it to make a real meal. So most of the time, I ended up eating tons of ultra-processed snack foods that only made everything worse.
When I was going through chemo, I grabbed onto THC even tighter. I didn’t want to take all the prescription anti-nausea meds; I didn’t want more chemicals in my system than I already had from chemo. Weed was a more “natural” option, and it worked quickly for the nausea, so I convinced myself it was good for me and that I needed it.
Up until very recently, I was numbing myself daily with some mix of alcohol, THC, and nicotine. Now that I’ve stepped back, it’s very clear how much that contributed to my burnout—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I was running from myself in every direction.
Realizing “cutting back” wasn’t enough
For a while, I tried to compromise with myself. I said I would only drink on weekends. I’d only smoke before meals “so I could eat enough.” I tried to negotiate with my addictions like they were reasonable roommates instead of what they really were—escape hatches that kept me stuck.
But the more I “cut back,” the more I noticed I was counting down to the next time I was “allowed” to have a drink or smoke. My whole brain would orient around that next moment of relief. And as soon as I realized that, I knew I had a bigger problem on my hands.
So I made the hard decision: no more “cutting back,” just no more. No more nicotine. No more THC. No more alcohol. Cold turkey.
I am incredibly proud of myself for that. And I am also very much grieving. These vices became huge parts of my personality and my routines. They were my constant companions when I felt lonely, overwhelmed, or “too much.”
Two things can be true: proud and grieving
Last night, I got really sad about all of this. Not because I doubt my decision—I know this is the right choice for me—but because I am finally allowing myself to feel the grief beneath the habits.
I’m sad for the younger versions of me who didn’t believe she was worth quitting for. The versions of me who didn’t think she had the strength to stop, who was so afraid of her own feelings that she’d rather numb them out every single night than risk being “too sensitive” in front of anyone.
As long as I can remember, I’ve been told I was “too sensitive,” like it was a character flaw. So I adapted. I learned how to shove big feelings down and drown them in a glass or a puff or an edible instead of letting anyone see them. It felt safer to numb than to risk being shamed again.
Now I’m realizing that if I truly want to heal, I have to learn how to feel my feelings in real time, in their full intensity, without immediately reaching for something to shut them off. And in order to do that, I have to let go of the things that help me numb.
So that’s what I’m doing. And it is hard. It is also beautiful. Two things can be true at once.
Learning to actually feel my feelings
Last night in bed, I was thinking about all of this and I realized I wanted to write about it today. I decided I was finally ready to share this part of my journey in detail here.
As I lay there, specific memories started surfacing—times when I wanted to drink, times when I drank way too much, times when I wanted to smoke, times when I got way too high, and most importantly, the “why” underneath all of it. And instead of shoving those feelings back down or distracting myself, I just let myself cry.
I breathed through it. I let my chest ache. I let the tears come. And then, surprisingly, the wave passed a lot quicker than I expected and I was actually able to fall asleep pretty easily afterward.
I’ve cried a few times while writing this post too. Same thing—it moved through me faster because I didn’t slam the door on it. I let the energy move instead of trying to hold it in or cover it up.
Letting myself feel my feelings sounds like the most basic thing in the world, but for me, it’s brand new. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. So being able to do it even a few times feels huge. And I know I’m only able to do it now because I’ve given myself the space to get sober. I’ve taken the numbing mechanisms off the table so I can actually hear myself.
I am incredibly proud of myself. I am also grieving. Two things can be true at once, and I am making space for both.
Let’s talk about it 💬
Have you ever given up a habit, coping mechanism, or identity that felt like “part of you,” even when you knew it wasn’t healthy? How did you navigate the grief and the growth that came with that change?
Subscribe & walk this path with me 💜
If you resonated with this, I’d love for you to stick around. I’m sharing my healing journey in real time—sobriety, nervous system healing, inner child work, and learning how to feel my feelings without numbing them out.
Subscribe to the blog so you don’t miss future posts, reflections, and gentle reminders that you’re not alone in this.
Bailz Has a Blog 