Yesterday marked four months of Bailz has a Blog, which honestly feels a little surreal. Part of me feels like I just started, and part of me feels like I’ve been doing this much longer than four months. Both parts of me are incredibly proud.
After spending so much of my life living in fear, it feels really amazing to be sharing my life, my journey, my thoughts, my feelings, and my experiences with all of you lovely people. Creating this space has easily been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I started scared… and I kept showing up. And here we are. 💜
🐾 Remembering Chelsea
Yesterday was also Chelsea’s Gotcha Day. We lost her in September, and while we know it was the right decision and we’re grateful she’s no longer in pain, it was still a hard day.
I miss her smile and her sass. She was truly one of a kind. 🤍
❄️ Deep in Wintering
I’m still very much in my wintering phase, and I’m honestly enjoying it more than I ever expected. I’m hibernating. I’m cocooning. I’m resting, healing, and honoring the process to the best of my ability.
Each day, I feel a little more calm — and that realization alone has been huge. I’m starting to feel present in my body and in my life in a way I don’t think I ever have consistently before.
For most of my life, rest came with criticism. Wanting rest came with shame. Enjoyment came with a warning not to get used to it. Quiet moments felt wasted. My mind was always racing, multitasking, performing, trying to impress — and I was never fully in any moment.
Now I see how deeply that hurt me.
These days, quiet moments are the goal. 🤍
📖 Reading Slowly, On Purpose
I’m still working my way through The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and I’m intentionally taking my time with it. Throughout the book, Tolle includes small pause symbols, encouraging the reader to stop, become still, and really experience what’s just been read before moving on.
That practice has been exactly what I needed.
Before starting this book, I had already noticed how much I rushed through everything I read. I knew it was a problem, but I didn’t really know how to fix it. These built-in pauses have been helping me learn how to slow down and absorb instead of sprinting to the next page. I’m also really enjoying the question-and-answer format — it feels approachable and grounding.
More than anything, the book has helped me realize how much priority I’ve always given to thinking and analyzing — and how much pain, stress, and anxiety that ultimately caused me. The more I take my thoughts as absolute truth, the more power I give away.
So now, I’m practicing being what Tolle calls “the watcher” of my thoughts and emotions, rather than letting them become my identity. It’s a slow practice, but one that’s already changing so much for me.
🩺 Signs of Real Progress
On Monday, I had my third set of progress scans with the chiropractor, and the results were honestly incredible. Comparing my original scans from October to my current ones, I can hardly believe how much progress I’ve made in such a short amount of time.
Because of that improvement, I’ve been cleared to reduce my visits from three times a week to two times a week. Going forward, I’ll be going on Mondays and Thursdays, and we’ll reassess in a month.
It’s a bittersweet feeling. I’m incredibly grateful for the healing — releasing tension and trauma from my body has been life-changing. But I’m also a little sad about the routine change. That office has become a home away from home, and even on my hardest days, I’ve looked forward to being there.
Today is the first Wednesday I haven’t gone, and it feels… weird. Like I’m forgetting something. But I also know this change is a sign of growth — and that matters.
(And yes, I am very excited to go tomorrow. 😅)
🧘♀️ Listening to My Body
Overall, my body feels so much better. I’m holding far less tension, my stress levels are lower than they’ve ever been, my neck and shoulders feel better, and I’m sleeping more deeply.
The one area still holding tightness is my hips, so I’ve been using yoga to focus on hip and lower back opening. I can already feel the difference — physically and emotionally. I feel more fluid and less rigid, and that shift has been really powerful.
🛁 A Little Extra Care
Today, I leaned into some extra self-care, and I’m feeling deeply relaxed.
I started with yoga — some focused on hip opening, some restorative and meditative. Then I made a DIY face mask with plain Greek yogurt and raw honey, soaked in a bath with a Flewd bath soak, scrubbed head to toe with a Dead Sea salt scrub, shaved my legs, and moisturized thoroughly.
I feel pampered, calm, and really proud of myself for taking care of my body and my nervous system. ✨
🌱 Simple, Not Easy
This part of my journey may not look glamorous or exciting — but that doesn’t make it any less important. Slowing down and being present sounds simple, but it’s not easy. It’s taken weeks for it to feel less strange.
I’m not perfect at it. It’s a practice. But I’m getting better every day — and that feels pretty amazing.
I hope you can take a few moments to slow down today too. Check in with yourself. Be present where you are. I promise, it’s worth it.
Thank you for being here. I’m so incredibly grateful for you. 💜
The beginning of 2026 has been slow, beautiful, intentional, and mindful so far — and I intend to keep it that way as much as I possibly can. I’m slowly but surely getting better at letting go of the pressure to perform and instead just exist in the moment.
I’m giving myself permission to just be, and I’ve gotta tell you… it’s pretty amazing.
📵 Life Without Social Media (So Far)
Ditching social media is going very well so far. I’d be lying if I said there haven’t been moments where I’ve instinctively wanted to reach for it — because there absolutely have been — but overall, I’ve felt a pretty significant sense of relief in its absence.
One thing I didn’t fully realize before is how obligated I felt to always be available to others simply because social media is always available. It wasn’t a conscious thought, but it was there in the background, quietly telling me I was letting people down if I wasn’t reachable.
And wow… that was deeply exhausting.
Honestly, I expected this transition to be much harder — going from frequent social media use to none at all — but it’s been easier than anticipated. And that alone tells me it’s the right choice. My nervous system is benefiting in noticeable ways: I’m sleeping better, feeling less daily anxiety, and staying far more present.
I’m also realizing how much I was being triggered by constant external input without even noticing it. Now, my triggers are mostly tied to my own lived experiences, which makes them far more manageable to address. Eliminating social media also eliminated the constant comparison spiral — and that has been a total game changer.
📓 A New Relationship with Planning
In preparation for 2026, I bought myself a cute new planner — but instead of forcing myself to use it the way I think I’m “supposed to,” I’m trying something new.
In years past, I’d buy a planner convinced this would be the year I magically became a hyper-organized, color-coded, Type A human. I’d try to plan every detail in advance, then beat myself up for everything I didn’t complete. And every year, I’d end up feeling like I had failed yet again — not because planners don’t work, but because I was trying to use them in a way that never worked for me.
This year, I’ve changed my approach.
Instead of only planning ahead, I’m primarily using my planner as a tracker — writing things down after they happen. I note when I practice piano, journal, do yoga, nap, or read. Even if it’s just a few minutes, it counts. Writing it down gives me a genuine sense of accomplishment, and I love being able to see my patterns without having to keep track of them all in my head.
I’m also logging various tasks and projects I complete — like decluttering our closet today and turning it back into a functional space. It’s not perfect, but it’s so much better, and writing it down once I was done felt incredibly validating.
I didn’t realize how much mental energy I was spending just trying to remember everything I was doing. Recording it externally has freed up so much brain space — and I didn’t even know how badly I needed that until now.
✍️ Letting Go of Perfection
In the past, I also put an absurd amount of pressure on my planner needing to be perfect. Perfect handwriting. Perfect colors. Perfect layout. Even though I was the only one who would ever see it.
If I didn’t have the “right” pen, I wouldn’t write anything. If my handwriting looked off, I’d criticize myself. If I misspelled something and crossed it out, I’d spiral like I had ruined the entire thing.
It was exhausting — and it’s no wonder my planners always ended up shoved in a drawer.
This year, I’m doing things differently. I’m using a simple black ballpoint pen. No perfection required. I’ve told myself I can add color later if I want — but I don’t have to. None of it is necessary. The planner exists to support me, not challenge me.
And shockingly? I’m actually enjoying it.
If at any point this tool stops serving me and starts becoming a struggle, I’ll let it go — without calling it a failure. Right now, it’s helping me logistically, mentally, and emotionally, and that’s what matters.
📚 Reading for Wisdom, Not Just Knowledge
I’m reading a few books right now, and each one is bringing me joy in a different way. I’m also working on slowing down and truly absorbing what I read instead of rushing through it. My current fiction read is The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley. My current nonfiction reads are The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and The Path of Greatness: The Game of Life and How to Play It and Other Essential Works by Florence Scovel Shinn.
This week in therapy, my therapist and I talked about the difference between knowledge and wisdom, and it kind of rocked my world. I realized I’d been devouring information without giving myself time to let it marinate — to see how (or if) I wanted to integrate it into my life.
No wonder I burned out on self-help.
Now, I’m reading fiction at night to help wind down, and keeping nonfiction for the daytime. That simple shift has made a huge difference. I’m taking my time, reading a few pages at once, then pausing to reflect. It finally feels like I’m gaining wisdom instead of just collecting information.
And it feels really, really good.
❄️ Settling Deeper into Wintering
I’m still very much enjoying this season of wintering, and I feel like I’m finally getting into its rhythm. The critical voice telling me to do more, go faster, push through, and ignore my body’s signals is getting quieter.
She’s still there — but I’m no longer mistaking her for absolute truth.
I’m learning to notice those thoughts, acknowledge them, and let them pass instead of gripping them tightly. There was a time when I couldn’t separate my thoughts from my identity at all. Now I am slowly but surely getting better and better at it. And that shift has been incredibly freeing.
🌱 A Gentle Conclusion
As I sit with all of this, one thing feels very clear: I’m no longer interested in systems, habits, or expectations that make my life harder than it needs to be. I’m actively choosing ease. I’m choosing tools and rhythms that support me instead of shame me. I’m choosing curiosity over criticism — again and again.
This season isn’t about doing more or becoming someone else. It’s about making space for who I already am, and allowing my life to feel lighter, kinder, and more honest as I move forward.
And honestly? That feels like the most sustainable kind of growth there is.
💬 A Question for You
Have you noticed any habits, systems, or expectations in your own life that feel heavier than they need to be? What might it look like to soften them — even just a little?
Thank you for being here with me on this journey. Stay tuned for more as I continue to grow through what I’m going through.
Wintering continues to be pretty awesome. The further I get into it, the more I am really starting to see just how much pressure I was putting on myself regularly to perform and be productive and always be further along than I actually was. I was always looking at things through a hyper critical, ever judgmental lens, especially about how I was spending my time.
Now, instead, I am looking through a lens of curiosity. It’s given me the opportunity to notice trends, acknowledge habits, and learn quite a bit in the process.
📵 A January Social Media Break
One main thing I have learned recently is that I spend a lot more time scrolling on social media than I think I ever really realized. More often than not, if I have a free moment, I instinctively reach for my phone, and then scroll. And while I am doing my best to refrain from judging myself for it, I am quickly determining that it is not something I want to continue to support for myself.
So, in response, I have decided that for the month of January I am going to take a complete break from social media. I will still be posting here on the blog regularly, but I will no longer be logging onto Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok. I will be deleting the apps from my phone and iPad so I will not be tempted to log in out of habit. I am giving myself 31 days without scrolling and I’ll see how I feel after that.
I know that this is the right thing for me to do, although I know it will absolutely be a struggle. But I am looking forward to the new fun things I come up with to fill my time instead. I am going to be giving myself the freedom to be bored and explore my mind space a little more than I have been giving myself the opportunity to do in recent years. Pretty much since social media took over the world, if we’re being completely honest.
While I know this will be a struggle, I also know that I am absolutely capable. I can do hard things, I have proven that to myself time and time again. If I can quit drinking and smoking cold turkey, I can quit social media for a month. I know I can.
When I first started my happiness journey, I knew that I was spending a lot of time on my phone, and it was something I would eventually need to address. To begin slowly, I tried a little hack I learned from Mel Robbins and I set my phone to grayscale mode. Although, full disclosure, I do switch it back to full color mode once a day to play Wordle and Connections in the NYT Games app. But other than that, my phone is always set to black and white.
At the beginning, it really did help curb my scrolling habits. But recently, I have found myself still scrolling away anyway, so I’ve decided it was time to do something about it. I think that one month away will do me a whole lot of good. I look forward to sharing the experience and my findings with you all. ✨
🌿 No Big Resolutions — Just Listening
Other than that, I am refraining from making any big resolutions for the new year. I am going to continue to keep wintering until I feel my spring develop naturally — I am not going to rush myself.
I am going to continue to keep enjoying my days, one at a time, and enjoying the journey as it develops. I am excited to see what 2026 brings, but I am not going to force any of it. Rather, I am going to listen to my intuition and enjoy the ride. So far, it’s been paying off pretty well. Far better than over controlling and over criticizing myself ever did, that’s for dang sure. 💛
✨ Things That Have Brought Me Joy Recently
The more I slow down and focus on being present in each moment, the more I find myself simply enjoying things — and I wanted to share some of those with you.
🎬 The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar
I discovered this on Netflix a week or so ago while Heath was at a work dinner and it was absolutely delightful — a beautiful bite sized piece of Wes Anderson goodness. A few days ago, I shared it with Heath and we watched it together. I enjoyed both watching it again and the act of sharing something together. He enjoyed it too and the whole experience brought me a substantial amount of joy.
🐶 Spending Time With My Dogs
Winston and Wrigley are my constant companions, and I have really been enjoying my time with them recently. Not that I don’t always, but I feel like I have a new appreciation for it along with everything else now as I am slowing down. Playing with them, talking to them, loving on them, snuggling on the couch with them — I am just embracing all of it a little bit more these days and it’s bringing me a lot of joy.
🍽️ Crossroads Diner
Yesterday, Heath and I drove up to Plano to go to one of our favorite restaurants in its new location. It had closed for a few years during COVID but has recently reopened and we hadn’t had a chance to make it up there until now. It’s a bit of a drive for us from Fort Worth, about 50 minutes. We used to go to their previous location quite a bit when we lived in Dallas and it was closer for us.
They make a quiche that is one of my absolute favorite dishes in the world, and getting to have it again after so long was an absolute delight. Previously, when we used to go, I always ordered a Bloody Mary or two, but since I have chosen sobriety, I had coffee this time and I am proud of myself.
I also ordered a cup of their tomato basil soup because it just sounded good, and WOW it was the best tomato basil soup I have had in a very long time. We ended up ordering two bowls of it to go before we left and then today I warmed them up, prepared some grilled cheeses for us to go with it and had it for lunch. Yum, yum, yum. ☕🥣
🍳 Making Meals
Having Heath home this past week has been great for a lot of reasons, but mostly because we are able to eat all of our meals together and we are cooking a lot at home. I have been making my chopped Mediterranean salad for us, Heath has been making breakfast burritos for us, I’ve made my tomato feta pasta, and it’s all just been very rewarding.
To prepare a meal and then sit and eat it together is a simple pleasure that we had lost sight of for a while. But slowing down has helped bring it back into focus and cooking has been bringing me a lot of joy recently. 🥗🍝
📺 Severance
I am a sucker for a good story. The other night, we were looking for a new show to start and after some options scrolling and discussion, we decided it was finally time to give Severance on Apple TV a shot. Man, oh man. I was not ready.
You guys, this is the best TV writing I have experienced in a VERY long time. I have been on the edge of my seat for every episode. Last night we finished season 1 and had it not been already past my bedtime, I would have wanted to keep going.
Other than Stranger Things Chapter 5, it has been a while since I have been so sucked into a storyline. I wasn’t even reaching for my phone during episodes. This show is completely engulfing and I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of it. 😮💨
👾 Stranger Things
Tonight is the final episode of Stranger Things and looking forward to it has been bringing me a lot of joy. We have been watching a lot of fan videos on YouTube explaining easter eggs we might have missed in the previous episodes and detailing possible theories for how it will all end.
It’s been really fun to get really nerdy about it together with Heath and to be counting down to the airtime with each release. I love a good pop culture reference, and Stranger Things is packed full with them.
With the staggered release dates — 4 episodes Thanksgiving Day, 3 episodes Christmas Day, and the finale on New Years Eve — it has been reminiscent of how TV used to be and that has brought me joy as well. While I will be sad that it’s over, I am very much looking forward to seeing how it all comes together in the final two hours. 🍿✨
🎶 Music
I have started listening to music first thing when I get up in the morning while I brush my teeth and get ready for the day. I’ve been jamming to “The Beatles & Similar Artists” radio station on Apple Music and it is pure vibes. One bop after another, and it’s been a great way to start my day. Joy, joy, so much joy.
Last night I did not sleep well at all. I woke up to my alarm absolutely exhausted and wanting to go right back to sleep, but once I got my music going, I was immediately feeling better. I still ended up needing a nap this afternoon, but I was able to get up and moving and to my chiropractor appointment without too much struggle — and music had everything to do with that. 🎧💛
🥂 Tonight’s New Year’s Eve Plans
Tonight we are staying in and I wouldn’t have it any other way. No big New Years plans other than making a nice dinner (salmon and purple sweet potatoes), watching the finale of Stranger Things, and just being together. We might work on tidying up the house a bit, but that’s about it.
I hope everyone has a safe and joyful New Year’s Eve! May 2026 be less chaotic for us all! ✨
💬 A Question for You
If you were to “winter” your way into 2026, what would you want to let go of — and what would you want to make more space for? 💛
✨ Want to Follow Along?
If you enjoyed this post and want to keep following along with my wintering era, my little joys, and whatever 2026 brings, I’d love for you to subscribe.
You’ll get an email whenever a new post goes live (no spam, just the good stuff). Thank you for being here. It truly means the world to me. 💜
Wintering is going pretty well. The more I am focusing on slowing down, the better I am feeling. The less pressure I am putting on myself, the easier I am moving through my days. The less I am focusing on how things might look and instead prioritizing how they feel, the more I am coming back to myself. Little by little, I feel myself coming back to life, and it’s pretty awesome. 💜
🎄 A Quiet Christmas, Exactly What We Needed
Heath and I had a very quiet Christmas, and I think it was exactly what we both needed. We made some nice meals, we stayed in our pajamas, we watched Stranger Things, we napped, we snacked, we drove around Fort Worth and looked at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve. We just took it all very moment by moment, no big plans, no expectations, just being together and enjoying it. It was pretty wonderful. ✨
🎥 The End of an Era & The Feelings I Didn’t Expect
During this past week, we finished watching Taylor Swift’s The End of An Era documentary series and thoroughly enjoyed every single moment of it, even though some of it triggered some emotional responses I wasn’t expecting.
It bought up a lot of energy and emotions that I didn’t realize I had been burying for a long time, highlighting things that for a long, long time I didn’t even realize weren’t anything but normal because I didn’t know any other options existed.
Rather than continuing to bury it all deep down, I gave myself the permission and the space to feel it all as I watched and honestly it was exactly what I needed.
💔 Grief, Tears, and Seeing What I Didn’t Have
Mostly, seeing Taylor’s relationship with her family just gutted me. Specifically, watching her interact with her mom. There was zero stress, zero codependency, only genuine unconditional love and support. No backhanded comments, no stirring the pot for attention, no judgmental faces, no attempts to belittle or strong arm…
I just, I can’t even imagine what that must have been like growing up. To have your parents be 100% supportive of who you are and what you think and feel. To be so accepted at face value without any attempts to change or shape you into the version of you they created in their heads — the version they wanted you to be instead of who actually you are… I just can’t even imagine. And it triggered a lot of tears. 🥺
It brought up a lot of grief for the younger versions of me who learned over and over again to make herself small to be accepted, who learned to push down her desires and dreams because they would be judged and discouraged.
But I let myself feel those feelings in full force as I watched. After we finished watching, I sat down and journaled about it, I talked to Heath about it for a while, and ultimately I excavated a lot of the memories I had buried and acknowledged them instead of hiding them.
It didn’t change what happened, but it helped change my relationship with it. 🤍
🌊 Letting the Feelings Move Through Me
As I sit here writing this post, I am still feeling the sting of all of it. It still hurts. But instead of hiding from it, I am letting myself feel it. I am acknowledging it all for what it is.
Emotions are just energy in motion, so the more I let myself feel them and let them move through me instead of holding on to them or shoving them down deep and pretending like they aren’t there, the less painful they will be.
I am making slow but steady progress, and I know that the slower and steadier I keep my pace, the more sustainable my growth and healing will be. So I am just taking things one moment at a time and resisting the urge to force or rush. 🌿
🎶 Music Is a Nonnegotiable
Recently, I have learned that music is truly a nonnegotiable part of my life. Over the past few months, I have been spending a majority of my time listening to podcasts or audiobooks, and music has taken a bit of a backseat.
But as I have committed to this wintering era and let go of the push of productivity, I have rediscovered how integral music is to my soul. Whether I am listening to it, watching documentaries about it, or learning to play it on the piano, it just makes me feel so authentically me and I am so grateful for it.
I have been listening to The Tortured Poets Department on repeat for the past few days, I am learning how to play The 1 from folklore on piano, and I have been singing and humming a lot in the spaces in between. 🎹✨
🧠 Neuroplasticity & Giving Myself Permission to Learn
For a long time, I told myself that because I didn’t start playing music when I was a kid, because I haven’t been formally trained as a singer, because I have no real training in any of it at all, that its too late. I missed my chance to become a musician in any capacity. I just thought I could be a fan and that was it.
But one of the benefits of all my podcast learning and mental health research recently is that I have learned about the concept of neuroplasticity.
For a long time we were all taught that once you hit a certain age, you just are the way you are and you can’t change — “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” But recent scientific research has proved that to be completely false, and in actuality, the brain can change and grow and develop new skills throughout your entire life.
Whether you are 8 or 80, you can develop new abilities. Your brain is a muscle, you just need to work it. 💪🧠
So that is what I am doing. I am working my music muscle as much as I can. I just want to surround myself with music as much as possible — whether I am creating it or consuming it, I just need it around all the time.
🎹 Piano Without Pressure
When I first started teaching myself piano, I was getting frustrated that I wasn’t able to learn a song in one sitting. That I couldn’t watch a YouTube tutorial and master it completely in one go. I was still very much in the mindset of rushing and rigidity.
I was only focused on getting to the finished product instead of enjoying the process, and that was a big, BIG mistake. I ended up taking about a week away from the keyboard and to be quite honest I had mixed feelings about it.
Part of me was proud of myself for not forcing myself, for giving myself the grace to take the time away. But the other part of me was sad because I still wanted to play, I still wanted to get better.
So I made a deal with myself. I was going to pick it back up again but without the pressure. The goal is to enjoy playing, not to be perfect. If at any point I find myself falling into the perfectionist trap, I take a step away to recalibrate and then I come back. And that change in mindset has really changed my whole experience. ✨
💄 Makeup, Self-Care, and Doing It for Me
Other than getting my makeup done for my boudoir shoot last month, I cannot remember the last time I put on makeup and was genuinely excited about it. A few times here and there I have put on some lipstick to go out for a nice dinner or something, but I have almost always felt a very overwhelming sense of imposter syndrome the entire time I had it on.
In line with my rigid way of thinking, I told myself that because I hadn’t worn makeup in a long time, I just couldn’t wear it at all.
I also have realized now that deep down, I was still so physically and emotionally drained that it’s just felt like a lot of work to put on makeup that I would just be taking off later. That thought process trickled into every aspect of my thoughts about my physical appearance.
I rarely ever styled my hair (curls are kind of an in depth, time consuming process), I went about a month without shaving my legs, I really just didn’t care what I looked like. Or at least that is what I told myself.
I realize now that I actually did care, and because I wasn’t making the time for any of it, I was ultimately neglecting myself — my inner child — the part of me who needed me to show up even for the “superficial” stuff.
I told myself that because I rarely ever leave the house, no one would really see me, so I told myself none of it was worth it. Once again, I was still so focused on how something looked to outsiders rather than how it felt to me.
Bottom line, I didn’t think I was worth any of the effort. Rookie mistake. One I have since started working to rectify. 🤍
💋 The Taylor Lip Combo & A Tiny Spark of Joy
In The End of an Era series, Taylor showed the lip combo that she wore for the tour and it sparked something inside me. I wanted it. Like really, really wanted it.
But initially I talked myself out of it. I stuck with my rigid thinking and went on with life. Then we watched the Eras Tour Final Show concert film and I had that feeling again — I just wanted that lip combo SO badly.
I knew with complete certainty that I wanted to take the “Taylor Swift lip look” and make it my own. Instead of pairing it with a full face of makeup like she does for the show, I wanted to just have a mostly bare face, maybe some eyeliner, and let the red lip really be the focus.
So I got online and ordered the lip combo almost immediately. I wanted to do it just for me, so I did. And it felt sincerely amazing. 💄✨
Of course, every other Swiftie on the planet had the same idea, so inevitably both products are on back order and it will be a few weeks before they arrive. But that’s okay — it gives me something to look forward to. I’ll take it.
The important thing is that I have shifted my perspective to doing things for me because I want to, not because of how it will look or how other people will receive it.
Physical self care has become a priority again. I have been doing some DIY all natural face masks to help balance out my skin again, and I ordered myself some new eyeliner to start small and start putting in effort to my appearance for the simple reason that I want to.
This morning I put on some of that new eyeliner and some red lipstick I already had and I have to say… I am feeling myself today. 😌💋
🌙 Showing Up for My Inner Child
I am doing my best to listen to my inner child and show up for her when she asks for things. I am trying to be present in the moment and to let go of the performative pressure I used to put on myself without even realizing it.
In the beginning, I criticized my piano skills and tried to force things because I felt like I needed to record them and share them. That that would somehow justify the time I was spending on it. I felt like if I couldn’t show off my progress, post evidence of it, I was wasting my time. Once again, so very focused on everyone else instead of myself. But now we are shifting that perspective. Maybe one day in the future, I will record myself playing piano and post it here, but that is not the reason why I am practicing. That is not the ultimate goal. I am practicing because I enjoy the activity of playing piano. I am doing it for me. And that is enough.
I am taking care of myself for me. I am trying to consistently show myself that I am worth the effort, on the good days and the harder days.
I am trying to be gentle with myself and learn what brings me joy and what brings me stress. I am really trying to understand the “why” behind my actions and feelings, getting curious rather than critical or judgmental.
As long as my motivation for something is joy, I am going for it. I am letting go of worrying how it might look to others and really trying to only focus on how it feels for me. It’s a complete shift in perspective but I know its necessary. ✨
🤍 Proud of This Version of Me
I feel proud of myself today. I feel proud of the wintering I am going through and the discoveries it is bringing me.
I look forward to the journey ahead and experiencing future versions of myself — seeing where I will be in 6 months, a year from now — but I am also honoring this exact version of myself right now because, lets be real, she is pretty awesome too. 💜✌🏻
💬 A Question for You
I’d love to hear from you:
What has been bringing you joy lately — especially the kind that doesn’t look productive, impressive, or “useful,” but feels nourishing all the same?
If you feel comfortable sharing, drop a comment below. Your answer might be exactly what someone else needs to read today. 💜
✨ Want to Follow Along?
If you’ve been enjoying these reflections and want to continue following along as I navigate wintering, healing, joy, and slowing down, I’d love for you to subscribe.
You’ll get an email whenever a new post goes live — no spam, no pressure, just honest writing, gentle insights, and a little bit of magic. ✨
Last week, my therapist recommended a book to me called Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May, and it has really helped shift my perspective on this entire process I have been going through.
Before I started reading this book, I had no idea just how much pressure I was putting on myself to always be doing more. I was so strict and rigid with myself, and I expected myself to be so much further along than I was.
I was neglecting to acknowledge everything I was trying to heal from — I just wanted to be healed.
🧠 The Pressure I Didn’t Realize I Was Carrying
Some days, I was accomplishing a lot and sticking to my routines, but some days I was struggling more than I let myself realize and therefore was beating myself up a lot.
There was more consistency than I have ever had before, but it was not nearly 100%, and deep down, I was ashamed of it. I was ashamed of what I was doing or not doing, of the fact that I was “weak” and needed to take this time to figure my shit out.
I felt like I needed to be strict and rigid with myself to somehow earn this period of healing. That I needed to make radical changes in short amounts of time and force this growth as if it were my job so that I could justify the space I was taking up on this planet.
I was not being very kind or patient with myself at all.
Even though I thought I was trying to be gentle with myself — I told myself I was, I wrote here about how I was — ultimately I was never really succeeding. I liked the idea of being gentle with myself, but to be honest, I had really no idea how to actually execute it in practice, because I never learned how to.
It was never modeled for me when I was growing up. I never saw it in action. It was never really encouraged. All I have ever known is self criticism, so breaking the cycle has been quite the challenge.
⏳ Rest Used to Feel Like “Wasting Time”
Prior to starting this book, anytime I was resting during a non-designated rest or sleep time, I was thinking to myself that I should be working on something else. I should be reading. I should be writing a blog post. I should be practicing piano. I should be up on the walk pad. I should be cleaning the house.
And yes — all of those things are valid uses of my time. But I was tired. My body was telling me to rest. Instead of appreciating the message from my body, I was shaming myself. Telling myself that I shouldn’t be tired, that if I rest now, I’m wasting time and throwing off my sleep schedule.
📚 What “Wintering” Taught Me
Then I started reading Wintering, and it has helped immensely.
May explains Wintering as:
“a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency and vanishing from sight; but thats where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible… Doing those deeply unfashionable things — slowing down, letting your spare time expand, getting enough sleep, resting — is a radical act now, but it is essential.”
I didn’t realize it at first, but I was absolutely thinking of this season I’m going through as a spring — a rebirth of some sort. I was expecting to just become this whole new version of myself overnight through sheer will.
I was trying to skip over the wintering completely.
I felt that by slowing down, I was wasting this time and opportunity when I could be doing so much more. I had given myself a few weeks at the beginning of all this to slow down (or so I thought), and I told myself that was plenty and it was time to push through and move on and get to the doing and growing and healing.
As I have been working my way through this book, I have realized that the rest and the slowing down is exactly what this time is for. That by not utilizing this time to do that, I am in fact wasting this opportunity.
🌙 Letting the Season Be What It Is
So, that is what I am trying to really focus on.
Prior to starting this book and shifting my perspective, I was feeling a little bit frustrated that I was going through this experience going into the winter months. I wanted to be in the summer with the sun rising earlier and setting later so I could work on my circadian rhythm easier.
I was feeling frustrated over the evenings arriving earlier and earlier each day. I was fussing over the fact that I needed to wear more and more layers as the temperatures fell. I was just resisting every bit of it because I was trying to race ahead to spring and summer — literally and figuratively.
But now that I have taken a step back and realized that the process of wintering is absolutely necessary in order to have a successful spring, I am so very grateful that my winter of life is also falling during the physical seasonal winter.
All those things I was resisting — the shorter days, the lower temperatures, the extra layers — now I see them as benefits, so I am leaning into them.
Now I am going to focus on hibernating like my life depends on it, because you know what? It kind of does. ❄️
🛌 Practicing Rest, Presence, and “Awareness Without Judgment”
The past few days I have spent quite a bit of time in bed, reading and resting and resisting the urge to rush.
I am trying not to scroll on my phone as much, trying to be present in my relaxation. I am spending time in bed just thinking/meditating and it’s been odd but really nice.
I am napping when I am tired. I am listening to my body.
I am still mindful of my nighttime and morning routines, but I am not beating myself up for any deviations from them. If I wake up feeling like I need to go back to sleep for a little bit longer, I am letting myself do it.
If I am struggling to go to sleep and decide I am going to stay up and read for a little bit longer until I really do start to feel sleepy, I am letting myself do it.
I am just trying to be in the moment more, listen to my body more, and overall let go of the reins a little bit.
I really was being so strict with myself and so rigid. I was holding myself to an impossibly high standard for what I am going through, and it was ultimately becoming a detriment.
I am trying to bring a lot of awareness into my days — awareness without judgment. I am trying to pay attention to where my thoughts are going, how my body is feeling, how my spirit is feeling, and simply notice those things instead of judging or criticizing myself for them.
I am trying to approach everything through a lens of curiosity instead — curiosity and kindness and compassion. 💜
I have also started gratitude journaling before bed each night. I spend a few moments writing down everything I am thankful for, and that has been very helpful in keeping me present as well.
🤍 Choosing Honesty (Even When Hustle Culture Says Otherwise)
This bit of the journey may not be glamorous or exciting. It may not be the most captivating thing to read about — but it’s where I am right now.
There is a part of me that is scared to talk about all of this, to be broadcasting the fact that I am actively trying to do less in a world where hustling is king.
But when I created this space, I vowed to be honest and transparent and vulnerable with you all, so I am going to hold myself to that and keep showing up — even when there isn’t a whole lot to say.
I had been flailing a bit trying to hold onto some direction and growth and progress that just wasn’t sticking, but now I know that this is not the time for that. This is not my spring yet. This is my winter, and I need to respect that.
I am wintering, and I am going to give it my all. ❄️
💬 A Question for You
Have you ever had a season of life where rest was the work? If you feel comfortable sharing — what did your “wintering” look like, and what helped you soften into it? 🤍
✨ Want to Follow Along?
If you enjoyed this post and want to keep following along with my healing journey — the realizations, the quiet seasons, the messy middle, and everything in between — I’d love for you to subscribe.
You’ll get an email whenever a new post goes live (no spam, just the good stuff). Thank you for being here and holding space for me. It truly means the world. 💜
Bailz Has a Blog 