I was in my car headed to the yoga studio, listening to some 60s hits, singing and vibing along, feeling very cute in my new matching yoga leggings and crop top set, and genuinely excited to arrive at my destination and attend my first restorative yoga class.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, it hit me. I was doing something that younger versions of me could have only dreamed of. And not only was I just doing it, I was doing it without having to completely psyche myself up for it. And until that moment, I didn’t realize just how huge that was for me. But once I did, it felt like I was flooded with an inner bright light, some sort of a total energy vibration.
🌿 Slow Growth, Big Realizations
One of the main themes of this journey so far has been going slow and creating manageable growth, and as a result, I hadn’t really appreciated just how far I have come recently. When I did, I was flooded with a sense of pride and excitement.
I just couldn’t get over how impressed I was with myself that I was going to this class at all, not to mention going by myself. I just decided that I wanted to start going to yoga classes, and I started going. I didn’t wait until I could find someone to go with me, I just started going on my own. That level of independence is pretty huge for me.
And it’s been building slowly in the background, so slowly that I didn’t even realize it until I stopped and looked around and noticed where I was.
And I gotta tell you, it feels pretty freaking good.
🎯 The Goals I Set (And Actually Reached)
When I first started therapy in November, my therapist asked me what some of my goals were. Two of them were be more independent and feel more confident overall. Today I can say with great pride that in the last 3 months I have made some incredible progress on both of those.
I know for certain that I only got here because I took a lot of small steps. If I had tried to make this huge change overnight, I would have sent myself into a full on panic. I know this because I have tried many, many times. And it never ever worked out. So this time, I went slow and I focused on improving just 1% at a time. Sometimes, on the harder days, I would be satisfied with even just half a percent.
And guess what? It absolutely worked.
🔎 Zooming Out & Seeing The Big Picture
Since my epiphany Monday night, I have been focusing more on zooming out and seeing more of the big picture, letting myself really appreciate how far I’ve come. And I now know I have made a lot more progress than I was giving myself credit for before.
Overall, my anxiety is significantly less than it has ever been. And I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I am being consistently nicer to myself in my head. Not just nice, but supportive and encouraging even.
The amount of times I tell myself “good job!” in a day now is staggering. Before this journey, that wasn’t even a part of my internal vocabulary. All I ever did was criticize myself, but shifting my perspective and simply bringing awareness to my inner monologues has made a huge difference over time.
Slowly but surely I transitioned from constantly judging myself to curiously observing myself. And it absolutely changed the game.
🧠 Presence = Better Memory (Who Knew?)
I’ve also noticed that my memory has improved. I used to walk into rooms and have no idea why I walked in them, but that hasn’t happened in quite a while.
Also, pretty consistently I would come up with some sort of a question in my mind, and then think “I’m going to look that up,” and then by the time I pulled up Google I would have forgotten what I was going to google. It was happening daily, like multiple times a day. But now, it doesn’t seem to be a problem anymore.
I am a lot more present and focused on what is right in front of me, and less likely to be thinking about 12 different things all at once.
🕯️ The Power of Intention & Mindfulness
I have learned that intention and mindfulness have been incredibly significant in this journey and my progress thus far. I am actively focusing on paying attention to what I am doing in each moment, no matter what it is.
If I am brushing my teeth, I am doing my best to give all of my focus to brushing my teeth in that moment. If I am resting, I am doing my best to give all of my attention to my restful activity, whatever that may be. If I am working on a blog post, I am focusing all of my attention on writing instead of letting my brain tell me all the other things I could or should be doing.
And that shift has been monumental in the overall big picture.
💜 A Version of Me I’m Proud Of
It has been a little over 3 months since I started therapy and I can very happily report that I am genuinely more independent and feeling more confident than I did when I started. I look at the woman I am now and I am just so proud.
Look at me, going to yoga classes on my own, investing in tools that will help me take better care of myself without guilt, taking myself out on little dates fairly frequently, celebrating all my little wins, and genuinely being intentionally kind to myself.
And it’s all possible because I didn’t force any of it. I slowed down, and gave myself permission and space to let go of the pressure and just exist without any expectations. I started learning how to trust myself and how to trust that everything happens right on time.
✨ Exactly Where I’m Meant To Be
This evening I am going back for my second restorative class and I am so excited for it. As I was finishing up the rest of this post, I got a message from the owner of the studio thanking me for signing up for my monthly membership and asking me how I was liking it and if I had any questions.
I already knew that this was the absolute right thing for me to be doing in the right place, but this just solidified it even more.
I am so grateful for all the little steps I have taken, on the good days and the harder ones, to get me where I am today. I feel so confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this exact moment in life.
Thank you for being here and for following along on this journey with me! I am so grateful that I get to share all of this with you, one step at a time.
It has been quite a while since I last posted, and it feels weird but very good to be back.
I decided to step away because when I was writing my last post, I was really struggling with the whole process. I had a hard time coming up with what I wanted to say, and ultimately I was beating myself up because I felt like I didn’t have a whole lot of meaningful wisdom to impart. I was putting a heck of a lot of pressure on myself, more than I even realized at the time. So, after some reflection, I decided to take a little break without any real plan of how long that break would be. I just knew intuitively that it was what I needed to do.
🌿 Trusting My Timing (And Myself)
A lot of what I have been working on in therapy is trusting myself and my instincts, learning how to listen to what my body and my nervous system need in each moment. I’m also working on honoring the process and not rushing.
Each time I have made a big step forward, like getting sober or taking a break from social media, I have said to my therapist, “I wish I had done it so much sooner!” And each time she stops me and says, “No, you weren’t ready before. You did it when you were ready.” And you know what? She’s right! If I had tried to get sober before I was ready, it would not have stuck. Same with social media. So when I took a step away from the blog, I knew I had to listen to myself and trust that I would know when I was ready to come back. And, hey guess what, it worked!
I trusted my instincts, I trusted that I would post again when I felt ready, and I trusted that I would know when I felt ready again without forcing it. I am really grateful that I listened to those instincts because as I sit here writing this post I feel a lot more centered and way less pressured. I am genuinely excited to be writing again. Sure, I’m a little nervous, and a little rusty, but still excited.
🧠 Letting Go of the Pressure
At first when I stepped away, I was admittedly beating myself up pretty badly pretty consistently. I kept telling myself I needed to go ahead and post again because it had already been so long and I just needed to get it together and come up with something to write about. And the more I tried to push myself, the further and further I stayed away from my keyboard.
So I took some time to reflect on that and then decided to try something different. I decided that I would just let myself let it go for a while. I gave myself permission to release the pressure and be authentic and trust myself. If for whatever reason, I never ended up posting again, so be it. If I came up with something I wanted to write about, I knew I would feel it strongly and it wouldn’t feel forced. I trusted myself, and it took some time, but now here we are, back to writing and feeling good about it! HUZZAH!
🚢 The Cruise, The Balcony, And The Inner Critic
I’ve spent most of my time away continuing to focus on wintering, but there have also been some notable events worth sharing. First, Heath and I went on a cruise. It was a great time, and I am so glad we went. But I have to admit, during the actual vacation, I was being pretty mean to myself.
All I wanted to do was sit on our balcony and read and look out at the water and listen to the waves and just be quiet and still. And that is what I did for the most part. But I was also simultaneously telling myself that I should be making the most out of the trip, that we should be going on excursions at every port and participating in all the on board activities and going to all the shows each night. I told myself that by staying in the room and on the balcony for the majority of the time, I was wasting the trip, even though deep down I knew I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.
I knew I was honoring what my body and nervous system needed, but at the same time I was criticizing myself for it. I was able to recognize what was happening, and I actively worked on being present and trying to ignore my inner critic, but honestly, it was a struggle.
Even when we got back to Fort Worth, I was having a hard time with it all. I was feeling guilty that I didn’t do more, I was feeling guilty that I was so happy to be home. Truth be told, it took me almost a week to get myself back.
Now that I have had some time to reflect, I am proud of myself for not forcing myself to do any of the things I told myself I “should” have been doing. I’m glad I did exactly what I wanted to do, even though I mentally struggled with it at the time. I know I would have been a lot worse off if I had ignored what my body and my nervous system were telling me and tried to force things I didn’t feel up to, that didn’t feel authentic. I trusted myself and I did what I felt up to, regardless of what it might look like to other people. It was a struggle, but I did it and I feel good about it.
🦷 Facing The Dentist (Finally)
When we got back, I went to the dentist for the first time in many, many years. It’s something I had been putting off over and over because honestly I just wasn’t ready to tackle that tiger yet.
For some context, when I am struggling with my mental health, personal care, specifically brushing my teeth, is usually the first thing to get tossed out the window. I’m not really sure why it is, but when I am feeling really rotten, the last thing I want to do is something to take care of myself, to do something responsible. If I didn’t have to go anywhere or interact with anyone, I just didn’t care about it. Gross, I know. But its true.
Also, my drinking and smoking directly affected things as well. Most nights, I would be too buzzed to think about taking care of myself in that way, or feeling too lazy to get up and do it. I am not proud of it, but its the truth. I just didn’t care, it was never a priority. For years and years.
So, ultimately, I had convinced myself that I had forever ruined my teeth because of that. I convinced myself that because it had been so long, there was going to be an enormous amount of work to be done, that I’d probably have to have root canals done on all of my teeth or that I’d lose them all and would need implants or something like that, even though I was not experiencing any pain or could detect any real issues on my own. I just told myself it would be horrible, so I put it off for years and years.
But then, I started this self healing adventure, and somewhere deep within me I knew that the dentist would eventually be a part of it. Not right off the bat obviously, but eventually. I started with other things first, like regulating my nervous system through chiropractic care, getting sober, and starting therapy.
Then, at the beginning of January, I decided I was ready. All of the sudden, I just felt ready. I’m not really sure exactly what changed, I just know that the thought of the dentist didn’t seem quite so scary, it seemed like something that I could actually handle now. I felt ready.
📞 The Phone Call Win
Once I had this realization, I immediately got online and found a holistic dentist near me. I did my research and made sure it was going to be a good fit, then I called and got an appointment scheduled. I’d like to take a quick moment to point out that in itself is a pretty big deal for me. For whatever reason, I have a good amount of anxiety about calling strangers on the phone. I always have, as long as I can remember. I’m not sure why, but its a pretty strong fear.
For some reason though, I didn’t feel so anxious to make this call. To be honest, I was kind of excited actually. I knew that I would feel really accomplished and proud of myself once I had made the call and scheduled the appointment, and somehow that overshadowed all possibilities of anxiety prior to the call. I didn’t even hesitate, I just dialed the number. It felt really odd but also really good.
✅ The Results (Not Nearly As Bad As I Feared)
My first appointment was just x-rays and scans to see what was going on, inside and out. Shockingly, even though it had been almost 10 years since my last dental appointment, the prognosis was not nearly as bad as I had built up in my head. In terms of work to be done, I only needed a deep cleaning and 2 fillings. Not sure how that is possible, but I will absolutely take it.
I also learned that I have some gum recession and some teeny tiny stress fractures in my teeth that are the result of constantly clenching my jaw… which, to be honest, not so shocking. I have known that constantly clenching my jaw is an issue, but I had no idea it could cause these kinds of things. So now, I am overly focused on my jaw and constantly telling myself “release, stop clenching!” And I think I am making some good progress. Simply bringing consistent awareness to it has been a game changer.
Other than that, everything else looked pretty good, and that was such a relief! They did all of the necessary work over two appointments, starting with deep cleaning the right side of my mouth and completing one filling, and then they tackled the left side and the other filling a week later. They numbed me up thoroughly for both appointments, so they were significantly less uncomfortable than I had anticipated. Overall, the whole process was dare I say easy and painless.
🙋♀️ Advocating For Myself
When they were doing my left side, I was a little more sensitive than I had been on the right side. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that old Bailz would have just sucked it up and endured the pain because she would not have wanted to burden the dentist and ask for more numbing shots. But thanks to all of the work I have been dedicating myself to recently, I am no longer old Bailz!
So as soon as I realized that this side felt significantly different, I raised my hand immediately and spoke up for what I needed. And guess what? They were more than happy to handle it. No one judged me or laughed at me or told me I was asking for too much. They actually thanked me for speaking up. Imagine that!
Once I was thoroughly numbed, the rest of the procedure was easy peasy and I had the added bonus of feeling victorious for advocating for myself. It’s a little thing, but these are the little wins that add up over time and are creating a whole new version of myself. So I am doing my best to celebrate each and every little win as they come because I know its important.
🪥 A New Nonnegotiable Routine
After all the work was done, my dentist walked me through a personalized oral health care routine to keep up with at home and I am honestly really enjoying it. It has become a nonnegotiable part of my morning and evening routines, whether I am going to be interacting with people or not.
It has shifted from feeling like a hassle to becoming something I am doing for myself because I see the value in taking care of myself. The more I do them, the more I enjoy the little things I do to show myself love, to support my health, and to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking care of, time after time.
And the more I am keeping up with it, I am learning that the more I show up for myself, the easier it gets to keep doing so.
🔥 Hot Yoga: A Plot Twist
Last week, my chiropractor posted about a hot yoga Galentine’s Day event they were hosting at a local yoga studio. I had never tried hot yoga before, but I do love yoga itself. I practice at home, almost daily, and after 3 years of practicing off and on, recently I had been toying with the idea of finding a studio where I could take classes in person instead of only relying on YouTube. When I saw my chiropractor’s post, I knew immediately that this felt like the perfect opportunity to dip my toe in the hot yoga pool.
Without letting myself overthink it, I bought my ticket and added it to my calendar. I really wasn’t sure what to expect. I had no clue if I would be able to keep up or if I could handle the heat, but I also knew that I would never find out if I never tried. So I packed up my mat, filled up my water bottle, and decided to give it my all and see what happened. I showed up, nervous but excited.
You guys, I am OBSESSED with hot yoga now. That class unlocked something within me. Normally, getting sweaty gives me the absolute ick, but somehow this hits different. I don’t understand why or how, but I actually enjoyed the aspect of sweating in this scenario. It was like I could feel the toxins and negative energy leaving my body in real time. It was truly wild.
Also, not gonna lie, I was so impressed with how much I was able to do. I realize now that in my years of at home practice, I had not given myself nearly enough credit for my yogi skills. I had been telling myself that because I was just doing videos at home by myself that somehow it didn’t really count. But I don’t think that anymore. I know that I am absolutely a yogi and I am leaning so far into it now.
The studio where the event was held offers a free first class (the event didn’t count), so I signed up in the app and booked myself for a 60 minute Vinyasa class this past Friday morning. To be honest, it was a little more difficult than the Galentine’s event, BUT I still held my own and confirmed that I really want this to become part of my wellness journey.
Yesterday, I signed up for a month unlimited membership and I am booked to go back Monday evening for a restorative class. I am thinking of starting with going twice a week. One restorative class and one Vinyasa class and see how my body handles that.
🧘♀️ The Mat Upgrade
I also ordered myself a new cork yoga mat with a natural rubber backing, specifically made for hot yoga. I did this for a few reasons. First of all, the one I have now is pretty old and kind of falling apart. Winston and Wrigley like to “help me” practice at home and their claws do no favors to the mat.
I also learned very quickly during my first two classes that my current mat gets slippery AF by the end of class and that just seems unnecessarily dangerous. Additionally, I now know that it’s made of toxic chemicals and forever plastics, which I didn’t know too much about when I first ordered it. Now I know a lot more, and I knew that when I replaced my mat it would be with something that was good for both me and the earth. So that is exactly what I did.
🌱 Owning My “Health & Wellness Girlie” Era
I am really leaning into my health and wellness journey these days and it feels really good. Six months ago, if you had asked me if I considered myself a “health and wellness girlie,” I would have shuddered with imposter syndrome and said, “absolutely not!” I would have gotten so caught up with comparing myself to all the Instagram influencers, assuming they know and do more than me and therefore what I know and do doesn’t count.
But today I can proudly tell you that hell yes I am a health and wellness girlie! I am a yogi and I prioritize my nutrition and health and wellbeing, and that is all that matters. I am not letting myself negate my interests and focuses and hobbies through comparison. And that feels like a really significant shift. I am really proud of myself and the progress I have made on this journey.
I know that there will always be someone out there who knows more and does more, and I also know that that has nothing to do with me. I am on my own journey and it can look like whatever I want it to look like. And right now, it looks like cutting myself a lot of slack when I am struggling, taking extra care of my personal care routines, and sweating up a storm on a non-toxic yoga mat twice a week.
Thank you for being here with me as I continue on this journey! I am grateful for each and everyone of you!
I wanted to give a little check-in from my wintering. I am currently fighting a cold/upper respiratory bug, which I fully believe is my body telling me: “Okay, you won’t slow down on your own? I’ll do it for you.” 🤧
And while I’m kinda frustrated… I’m also grateful for the extra push. The past week has been a lot slower than any of the rest of this process has been, and it feels really weird, but I know it’s needed. 🕯️
📚 “Wintering” Was the Permission Slip I Didn’t Know I Needed
I finished reading Wintering by Katherine May the other day and I cannot recommend it enough. It genuinely feels like it was the permission slip to truly slow down I didn’t know I needed.
It has really helped me shift my perspective around this phase I’m going through and shed some of the shame I’ve been feeling about my non-linear growth. 💛
🧭 Learning What Brings Me Joy (And What Doesn’t)
One thing I am really focusing on is learning what brings me joy and what does not.
Earlier this week, I decided I was going to curl up and watch season 2 of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. I watched Season 1 when it came out and enjoyed it then, but I’ve been so focused on other things that I didn’t even realize there were two new seasons out now.
With my new focus on rest and slowing down, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to indulge… but I got an episode and a half in and then I had to turn it off. It was triggering my anxiety in a way I hadn’t felt in a while, so I said: “No, thank you.”
There is plenty of other content out there I can enjoy without triggering my fight-or-flight response. 🫶
Instead, I switched over to watching Good Hang with Amy Poehler on YouTube. Since it launched earlier this year, I’ve watched a few episodes here and there, but not with any real consistency.
Over the last few days, however, I’ve watched a bunch of different episodes and it has felt like a hug to my heart. This show is indeed perfectly named. Each episode feels like a good hang with good friends — and that has been bringing me a lot of joy right now. 🥹💜
📖 A Cozy Read That’s Just for Me
I am also reading A Winter’s Promise by Christelle Dabos and I am really enjoying that as well.
When I first started it a couple of weeks ago, I admittedly had a hard time getting into it and reading consistently. But now I think that had less to do with the story itself and more to do with the internal story I was telling myself.
I think I was still shaming myself for reading something that wasn’t going to teach me anything about my journey. But now that I am slowing down and giving myself space and time to heal, focusing on finding the joy, and just being present with myself… I am really, really enjoying this book. ✨
It is the first book in a four-part series and I am looking forward to reading all of it.
😴 Rest Without Rigid Rules
I am sleeping a lot more these days — partly because I feel icky fighting off this cold, and partly because my soul just needs more rest in general.
I am letting go of the rigidity and letting myself sleep when I am tired. I am still trying to go to bed and wake up at the same time, but I am also letting myself be flexible with it as needed.
The set sleep and wake times I have are goals and guidelines, not punishments or restrictions. 🌙
🛁 Comfort as a Practice
I am feeling really proud of myself for finally exploring life through a slower, less urgent lens. It’s definitely a process to let go of the strictness and rigidity, but I am working on it and it feels good. 🤍
I am really leaning into comfort these days:
Taking lots of baths, soaking in salts and oils to soothe my body and my soul 🛁
Taking extra hot showers to let the steam open up my sinuses 🚿
Drinking a lot of water and electrolytes to help flush everything out 💧
Exclusively wearing comfy clothes — leggings, big t-shirts, long cardigans, and cozy socks 🧦
I did some yoga with Heath last night, but we kept it light with a slow, restorative practice — and it felt nice to get back on the mat in a manageable and meaningful way. 🧘♀️
I haven’t been on the walk pad in a few days and while I do miss it, I know my body needs to be resting right now. I’ll get back to it when I’m physically feeling better.
Maybe I can get back on tomorrow and just keep it really slow, so I am moving with intention but not overexerting myself. But I am going to listen to my body and go with the flow because I know that is what is needed right now. 🌿
❄️ That’s My Check-In for Now
And that’s about it — that’s all I’ve got for ya right now. I really don’t feel like I have a whole lot to say today, but that’s okay.
I still wanted to show up and check in and update you all where I am right now. I am very much wintering, and it’s not glamorous or exciting… but it is necessary. 🕯️
💬 A Question for You
What’s bringing you comfort right now — a show, a book, a ritual, a cozy routine? If you feel like sharing, tell me in the comments. I’d love to know what’s helping you soften and breathe this season. 🤍
✨ Want to Follow Along?
If you enjoyed this post and want to keep following along with my wintering era — the healing, the slowing down, the small joys, and the honest check-ins — I’d love for you to subscribe.
You’ll get an email whenever a new post goes live (no spam, just the good stuff). Thank you for being here. It means the world to me. 💜
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