I was in my car headed to the yoga studio, listening to some 60s hits, singing and vibing along, feeling very cute in my new matching yoga leggings and crop top set, and genuinely excited to arrive at my destination and attend my first restorative yoga class.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, it hit me. I was doing something that younger versions of me could have only dreamed of. And not only was I just doing it, I was doing it without having to completely psyche myself up for it. And until that moment, I didn’t realize just how huge that was for me. But once I did, it felt like I was flooded with an inner bright light, some sort of a total energy vibration.
🌿 Slow Growth, Big Realizations
One of the main themes of this journey so far has been going slow and creating manageable growth, and as a result, I hadn’t really appreciated just how far I have come recently. When I did, I was flooded with a sense of pride and excitement.
I just couldn’t get over how impressed I was with myself that I was going to this class at all, not to mention going by myself. I just decided that I wanted to start going to yoga classes, and I started going. I didn’t wait until I could find someone to go with me, I just started going on my own. That level of independence is pretty huge for me.
And it’s been building slowly in the background, so slowly that I didn’t even realize it until I stopped and looked around and noticed where I was.
And I gotta tell you, it feels pretty freaking good.
🎯 The Goals I Set (And Actually Reached)
When I first started therapy in November, my therapist asked me what some of my goals were. Two of them were be more independent and feel more confident overall. Today I can say with great pride that in the last 3 months I have made some incredible progress on both of those.
I know for certain that I only got here because I took a lot of small steps. If I had tried to make this huge change overnight, I would have sent myself into a full on panic. I know this because I have tried many, many times. And it never ever worked out. So this time, I went slow and I focused on improving just 1% at a time. Sometimes, on the harder days, I would be satisfied with even just half a percent.
And guess what? It absolutely worked.
🔎 Zooming Out & Seeing The Big Picture
Since my epiphany Monday night, I have been focusing more on zooming out and seeing more of the big picture, letting myself really appreciate how far I’ve come. And I now know I have made a lot more progress than I was giving myself credit for before.
Overall, my anxiety is significantly less than it has ever been. And I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I am being consistently nicer to myself in my head. Not just nice, but supportive and encouraging even.
The amount of times I tell myself “good job!” in a day now is staggering. Before this journey, that wasn’t even a part of my internal vocabulary. All I ever did was criticize myself, but shifting my perspective and simply bringing awareness to my inner monologues has made a huge difference over time.
Slowly but surely I transitioned from constantly judging myself to curiously observing myself. And it absolutely changed the game.
🧠 Presence = Better Memory (Who Knew?)
I’ve also noticed that my memory has improved. I used to walk into rooms and have no idea why I walked in them, but that hasn’t happened in quite a while.
Also, pretty consistently I would come up with some sort of a question in my mind, and then think “I’m going to look that up,” and then by the time I pulled up Google I would have forgotten what I was going to google. It was happening daily, like multiple times a day. But now, it doesn’t seem to be a problem anymore.
I am a lot more present and focused on what is right in front of me, and less likely to be thinking about 12 different things all at once.
🕯️ The Power of Intention & Mindfulness
I have learned that intention and mindfulness have been incredibly significant in this journey and my progress thus far. I am actively focusing on paying attention to what I am doing in each moment, no matter what it is.
If I am brushing my teeth, I am doing my best to give all of my focus to brushing my teeth in that moment. If I am resting, I am doing my best to give all of my attention to my restful activity, whatever that may be. If I am working on a blog post, I am focusing all of my attention on writing instead of letting my brain tell me all the other things I could or should be doing.
And that shift has been monumental in the overall big picture.
💜 A Version of Me I’m Proud Of
It has been a little over 3 months since I started therapy and I can very happily report that I am genuinely more independent and feeling more confident than I did when I started. I look at the woman I am now and I am just so proud.
Look at me, going to yoga classes on my own, investing in tools that will help me take better care of myself without guilt, taking myself out on little dates fairly frequently, celebrating all my little wins, and genuinely being intentionally kind to myself.
And it’s all possible because I didn’t force any of it. I slowed down, and gave myself permission and space to let go of the pressure and just exist without any expectations. I started learning how to trust myself and how to trust that everything happens right on time.
✨ Exactly Where I’m Meant To Be
This evening I am going back for my second restorative class and I am so excited for it. As I was finishing up the rest of this post, I got a message from the owner of the studio thanking me for signing up for my monthly membership and asking me how I was liking it and if I had any questions.
I already knew that this was the absolute right thing for me to be doing in the right place, but this just solidified it even more.
I am so grateful for all the little steps I have taken, on the good days and the harder ones, to get me where I am today. I feel so confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this exact moment in life.
Thank you for being here and for following along on this journey with me! I am so grateful that I get to share all of this with you, one step at a time.
It has been quite a while since I last posted, and it feels weird but very good to be back.
I decided to step away because when I was writing my last post, I was really struggling with the whole process. I had a hard time coming up with what I wanted to say, and ultimately I was beating myself up because I felt like I didn’t have a whole lot of meaningful wisdom to impart. I was putting a heck of a lot of pressure on myself, more than I even realized at the time. So, after some reflection, I decided to take a little break without any real plan of how long that break would be. I just knew intuitively that it was what I needed to do.
🌿 Trusting My Timing (And Myself)
A lot of what I have been working on in therapy is trusting myself and my instincts, learning how to listen to what my body and my nervous system need in each moment. I’m also working on honoring the process and not rushing.
Each time I have made a big step forward, like getting sober or taking a break from social media, I have said to my therapist, “I wish I had done it so much sooner!” And each time she stops me and says, “No, you weren’t ready before. You did it when you were ready.” And you know what? She’s right! If I had tried to get sober before I was ready, it would not have stuck. Same with social media. So when I took a step away from the blog, I knew I had to listen to myself and trust that I would know when I was ready to come back. And, hey guess what, it worked!
I trusted my instincts, I trusted that I would post again when I felt ready, and I trusted that I would know when I felt ready again without forcing it. I am really grateful that I listened to those instincts because as I sit here writing this post I feel a lot more centered and way less pressured. I am genuinely excited to be writing again. Sure, I’m a little nervous, and a little rusty, but still excited.
🧠 Letting Go of the Pressure
At first when I stepped away, I was admittedly beating myself up pretty badly pretty consistently. I kept telling myself I needed to go ahead and post again because it had already been so long and I just needed to get it together and come up with something to write about. And the more I tried to push myself, the further and further I stayed away from my keyboard.
So I took some time to reflect on that and then decided to try something different. I decided that I would just let myself let it go for a while. I gave myself permission to release the pressure and be authentic and trust myself. If for whatever reason, I never ended up posting again, so be it. If I came up with something I wanted to write about, I knew I would feel it strongly and it wouldn’t feel forced. I trusted myself, and it took some time, but now here we are, back to writing and feeling good about it! HUZZAH!
🚢 The Cruise, The Balcony, And The Inner Critic
I’ve spent most of my time away continuing to focus on wintering, but there have also been some notable events worth sharing. First, Heath and I went on a cruise. It was a great time, and I am so glad we went. But I have to admit, during the actual vacation, I was being pretty mean to myself.
All I wanted to do was sit on our balcony and read and look out at the water and listen to the waves and just be quiet and still. And that is what I did for the most part. But I was also simultaneously telling myself that I should be making the most out of the trip, that we should be going on excursions at every port and participating in all the on board activities and going to all the shows each night. I told myself that by staying in the room and on the balcony for the majority of the time, I was wasting the trip, even though deep down I knew I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.
I knew I was honoring what my body and nervous system needed, but at the same time I was criticizing myself for it. I was able to recognize what was happening, and I actively worked on being present and trying to ignore my inner critic, but honestly, it was a struggle.
Even when we got back to Fort Worth, I was having a hard time with it all. I was feeling guilty that I didn’t do more, I was feeling guilty that I was so happy to be home. Truth be told, it took me almost a week to get myself back.
Now that I have had some time to reflect, I am proud of myself for not forcing myself to do any of the things I told myself I “should” have been doing. I’m glad I did exactly what I wanted to do, even though I mentally struggled with it at the time. I know I would have been a lot worse off if I had ignored what my body and my nervous system were telling me and tried to force things I didn’t feel up to, that didn’t feel authentic. I trusted myself and I did what I felt up to, regardless of what it might look like to other people. It was a struggle, but I did it and I feel good about it.
🦷 Facing The Dentist (Finally)
When we got back, I went to the dentist for the first time in many, many years. It’s something I had been putting off over and over because honestly I just wasn’t ready to tackle that tiger yet.
For some context, when I am struggling with my mental health, personal care, specifically brushing my teeth, is usually the first thing to get tossed out the window. I’m not really sure why it is, but when I am feeling really rotten, the last thing I want to do is something to take care of myself, to do something responsible. If I didn’t have to go anywhere or interact with anyone, I just didn’t care about it. Gross, I know. But its true.
Also, my drinking and smoking directly affected things as well. Most nights, I would be too buzzed to think about taking care of myself in that way, or feeling too lazy to get up and do it. I am not proud of it, but its the truth. I just didn’t care, it was never a priority. For years and years.
So, ultimately, I had convinced myself that I had forever ruined my teeth because of that. I convinced myself that because it had been so long, there was going to be an enormous amount of work to be done, that I’d probably have to have root canals done on all of my teeth or that I’d lose them all and would need implants or something like that, even though I was not experiencing any pain or could detect any real issues on my own. I just told myself it would be horrible, so I put it off for years and years.
But then, I started this self healing adventure, and somewhere deep within me I knew that the dentist would eventually be a part of it. Not right off the bat obviously, but eventually. I started with other things first, like regulating my nervous system through chiropractic care, getting sober, and starting therapy.
Then, at the beginning of January, I decided I was ready. All of the sudden, I just felt ready. I’m not really sure exactly what changed, I just know that the thought of the dentist didn’t seem quite so scary, it seemed like something that I could actually handle now. I felt ready.
📞 The Phone Call Win
Once I had this realization, I immediately got online and found a holistic dentist near me. I did my research and made sure it was going to be a good fit, then I called and got an appointment scheduled. I’d like to take a quick moment to point out that in itself is a pretty big deal for me. For whatever reason, I have a good amount of anxiety about calling strangers on the phone. I always have, as long as I can remember. I’m not sure why, but its a pretty strong fear.
For some reason though, I didn’t feel so anxious to make this call. To be honest, I was kind of excited actually. I knew that I would feel really accomplished and proud of myself once I had made the call and scheduled the appointment, and somehow that overshadowed all possibilities of anxiety prior to the call. I didn’t even hesitate, I just dialed the number. It felt really odd but also really good.
✅ The Results (Not Nearly As Bad As I Feared)
My first appointment was just x-rays and scans to see what was going on, inside and out. Shockingly, even though it had been almost 10 years since my last dental appointment, the prognosis was not nearly as bad as I had built up in my head. In terms of work to be done, I only needed a deep cleaning and 2 fillings. Not sure how that is possible, but I will absolutely take it.
I also learned that I have some gum recession and some teeny tiny stress fractures in my teeth that are the result of constantly clenching my jaw… which, to be honest, not so shocking. I have known that constantly clenching my jaw is an issue, but I had no idea it could cause these kinds of things. So now, I am overly focused on my jaw and constantly telling myself “release, stop clenching!” And I think I am making some good progress. Simply bringing consistent awareness to it has been a game changer.
Other than that, everything else looked pretty good, and that was such a relief! They did all of the necessary work over two appointments, starting with deep cleaning the right side of my mouth and completing one filling, and then they tackled the left side and the other filling a week later. They numbed me up thoroughly for both appointments, so they were significantly less uncomfortable than I had anticipated. Overall, the whole process was dare I say easy and painless.
🙋♀️ Advocating For Myself
When they were doing my left side, I was a little more sensitive than I had been on the right side. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that old Bailz would have just sucked it up and endured the pain because she would not have wanted to burden the dentist and ask for more numbing shots. But thanks to all of the work I have been dedicating myself to recently, I am no longer old Bailz!
So as soon as I realized that this side felt significantly different, I raised my hand immediately and spoke up for what I needed. And guess what? They were more than happy to handle it. No one judged me or laughed at me or told me I was asking for too much. They actually thanked me for speaking up. Imagine that!
Once I was thoroughly numbed, the rest of the procedure was easy peasy and I had the added bonus of feeling victorious for advocating for myself. It’s a little thing, but these are the little wins that add up over time and are creating a whole new version of myself. So I am doing my best to celebrate each and every little win as they come because I know its important.
🪥 A New Nonnegotiable Routine
After all the work was done, my dentist walked me through a personalized oral health care routine to keep up with at home and I am honestly really enjoying it. It has become a nonnegotiable part of my morning and evening routines, whether I am going to be interacting with people or not.
It has shifted from feeling like a hassle to becoming something I am doing for myself because I see the value in taking care of myself. The more I do them, the more I enjoy the little things I do to show myself love, to support my health, and to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking care of, time after time.
And the more I am keeping up with it, I am learning that the more I show up for myself, the easier it gets to keep doing so.
🔥 Hot Yoga: A Plot Twist
Last week, my chiropractor posted about a hot yoga Galentine’s Day event they were hosting at a local yoga studio. I had never tried hot yoga before, but I do love yoga itself. I practice at home, almost daily, and after 3 years of practicing off and on, recently I had been toying with the idea of finding a studio where I could take classes in person instead of only relying on YouTube. When I saw my chiropractor’s post, I knew immediately that this felt like the perfect opportunity to dip my toe in the hot yoga pool.
Without letting myself overthink it, I bought my ticket and added it to my calendar. I really wasn’t sure what to expect. I had no clue if I would be able to keep up or if I could handle the heat, but I also knew that I would never find out if I never tried. So I packed up my mat, filled up my water bottle, and decided to give it my all and see what happened. I showed up, nervous but excited.
You guys, I am OBSESSED with hot yoga now. That class unlocked something within me. Normally, getting sweaty gives me the absolute ick, but somehow this hits different. I don’t understand why or how, but I actually enjoyed the aspect of sweating in this scenario. It was like I could feel the toxins and negative energy leaving my body in real time. It was truly wild.
Also, not gonna lie, I was so impressed with how much I was able to do. I realize now that in my years of at home practice, I had not given myself nearly enough credit for my yogi skills. I had been telling myself that because I was just doing videos at home by myself that somehow it didn’t really count. But I don’t think that anymore. I know that I am absolutely a yogi and I am leaning so far into it now.
The studio where the event was held offers a free first class (the event didn’t count), so I signed up in the app and booked myself for a 60 minute Vinyasa class this past Friday morning. To be honest, it was a little more difficult than the Galentine’s event, BUT I still held my own and confirmed that I really want this to become part of my wellness journey.
Yesterday, I signed up for a month unlimited membership and I am booked to go back Monday evening for a restorative class. I am thinking of starting with going twice a week. One restorative class and one Vinyasa class and see how my body handles that.
🧘♀️ The Mat Upgrade
I also ordered myself a new cork yoga mat with a natural rubber backing, specifically made for hot yoga. I did this for a few reasons. First of all, the one I have now is pretty old and kind of falling apart. Winston and Wrigley like to “help me” practice at home and their claws do no favors to the mat.
I also learned very quickly during my first two classes that my current mat gets slippery AF by the end of class and that just seems unnecessarily dangerous. Additionally, I now know that it’s made of toxic chemicals and forever plastics, which I didn’t know too much about when I first ordered it. Now I know a lot more, and I knew that when I replaced my mat it would be with something that was good for both me and the earth. So that is exactly what I did.
🌱 Owning My “Health & Wellness Girlie” Era
I am really leaning into my health and wellness journey these days and it feels really good. Six months ago, if you had asked me if I considered myself a “health and wellness girlie,” I would have shuddered with imposter syndrome and said, “absolutely not!” I would have gotten so caught up with comparing myself to all the Instagram influencers, assuming they know and do more than me and therefore what I know and do doesn’t count.
But today I can proudly tell you that hell yes I am a health and wellness girlie! I am a yogi and I prioritize my nutrition and health and wellbeing, and that is all that matters. I am not letting myself negate my interests and focuses and hobbies through comparison. And that feels like a really significant shift. I am really proud of myself and the progress I have made on this journey.
I know that there will always be someone out there who knows more and does more, and I also know that that has nothing to do with me. I am on my own journey and it can look like whatever I want it to look like. And right now, it looks like cutting myself a lot of slack when I am struggling, taking extra care of my personal care routines, and sweating up a storm on a non-toxic yoga mat twice a week.
Thank you for being here with me as I continue on this journey! I am grateful for each and everyone of you!
I’ve taken a bit of a break from updating the blog recently. Life has been a little busier than usual, and when I have had downtime, I’ve been intentionally using it to rest, relax, and stay away from screens as much as possible. Taking a break from social media has been a deeply positive shift in my routine and has helped me move from a performative mindset into a much more present one.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve started paying closer attention to the things I tell myself, and I’m learning to approach those thoughts with curiosity instead of judgment.
🔄 Unlearning “I Can’t”
Recently, I noticed something surprising: I tell myself “I can’t” far more often than I ever realized.
As I sink deeper into this wintering season and slow down enough to really notice, I’m learning that so many of the “rules” we live by are completely made up. And if everything is made up… then I get to make up my own rules for my life.
Some of the ones I’ve been unconsciously following:
I can’t wear that shirt with those pants
I can’t shower before I’ve done my yoga for the day
I can’t read fiction before nonfiction
I can’t take myself out for coffee
I can’t start a week long yoga series midweek
So I made a new rule:
If it makes me happy and doesn’t harm anyone else, I’m doing it.
I’m dressing for comfort. I’m doing things when I feel called to them. I’m listening to my intuition. And wow… it feels incredible. Taking better care of myself has actually made it easier to handle the harder, less fun parts of life too.
💬 A Question for You
What’s a “rule” you’ve realized you’ve been following that doesn’t actually serve you?
🛂 Big #Adulting Energy
This past week brought some serious adulting moments. Heath and I are heading on a cruise next weekend, and last week I woke up in the middle of the night realizing I needed to renew my passport. Panic followed. Guilt followed. Negative self-talk followed.
But instead of spiraling, I slowed down. I breathed. I let the emotions move through my body. Then I tackled the problem step by step. I found a passport expediting service, shipped my documents the next day, and my new passport arrived today.
I’m pretty dang proud of myself. Old me would have avoided the situation entirely. This time, I faced it head-on.
And yes… seeing my married name on my passport still makes my heart flutter. 💜
🚗 A Granbury Adventure & Breaking Another Rule
I also updated my driver’s license this week. The Fort Worth DMV was booked months out, so I snagged a quicker appointment in Granbury and turned it into a solo adventure day.
Granbury is about an hour drive from Fort Worth, so before I got on the road I treated myself to an iced coffee and a kolache for the drive. I put on some tunes and began my journey.
I arrived about and hour and a half before my scheduled appointment, so I spent that time wandering around the town square, perusing the shelves of the local bookstore, and just enjoying the day.
After my DMV appointment was completed, I almost left town because the restaurant I was planning to go to for a midafternoon snack was closed until 5pm. I told myself, “I can’t stay that long.” I started to make my way back to Fort Worth. Then, as I was driving over the lake and leaving the town, I caught myself.
I turned my car around, and went to the public beach on Lake Granbury and had the whole place to myself. It was absolutely serene. I journaled, meditated, soaked up the sun, and enjoyed the quiet. Later, I went to the restaurant I was planning to go to earlier and had dinner and a delicious mocktail, and then drove home during a stunning Texas sunset.
I almost missed all of that because of a rule that wasn’t real.
❄️ Winter Is Here (And I’m Ready)
Texas has officially decided it’s winter, and we’re gearing up for a snowstorm. I stocked up on essentials, cleaned the house, and now I’m fully prepared to hibernate.
While I’m proud of all the recent adulting I’ve done, I’m very ready to get back to slowing down and wintering like it’s my job.
📚 Books, Rituals & Simple Joys
I’ve been rereading the Throne of Glass series and savoring it this time around. When I read it for the first time last year, I was absolutely rushing through it like it was a race. I also didn’t end up finishing it. I put the last book in the series down when I was about half way though. So to start it over from the beginning and really immerse myself in the world feels really good.
I’m also deeply loving my new nighttime routine:
Bedtime yoga with Yoga With Adriene
Oil pulling with coconut oil
Gratitude journaling
Legs-up-the-wall stretch for 15+ minutes
It all came together pretty naturally, and it feels aligned. I am gently winding my system down each night, unhurried, unscheduled, but fully present, and I am really enjoying it. Gratitude is a core value of mine, and including gratitude journaling in my routine each night helps me highlight and return to it daily.
🎶 Pirate Radio, Sobriety & Reclaiming My Power
Another thing that brought me joy this week was rewatching one of my favorite movies, Pirate Radio. It never fails to put a smile on my face. Quoting along, singing along, laughing along, I enjoyed every minute of it. Because I have been listening to so much 60s music recently, the film has been on my mind quite a bit over the last few weeks. So I finally sat down and hit play and I am so grateful that I did. The last few times I have watched it over the past few years, I have undoubtedly been also scrolling on my phone and not giving it 100% of my attention. But that was not the case with this viewing and it felt so good.
Giving up social media has been one of the best things I have done for myself since I started this journey. I’d honestly put it up there with getting sober. It’s had that much of an impact on my life. I honestly may not go back to it in February. And if I do, I will not be downloading the apps back onto my phone. I simply don’t need it at my fingertips at any point in time.
Speaking of sobriety, I am almost at the 2 month mark since my last drink and I couldn’t not be happier. I really didn’t realize how much alcohol was affecting me until I removed it completely. Now that I know how much of a detriment it is to my health and my happiness, I simply cannot imagine willingly having a drink ever again. It just isn’t worth it to me. My health and happiness are far more important to me than having a drink. They are doing some good work in the world of mocktails these days, and I am perfectly happy to have one of those as a little treat every now and then and be able to feel good the next day.
🌱 Closing Thoughts
I am feeling a lot better a lot more consistently these days and I am really proud of myself for all of the work I have been doing to get myself to where I am. Sometimes the work doesn’t look like work. Sometimes it looks like sleeping when I am tired, doing things just for fun, or journaling about all the things I am thankful for. Just because it doesn’t look or feel like work doesn’t make it any less effective. Slowly but surely I am regulating my nervous system, finding myself, and reclaiming my power. And it feels freaking good.
Thank you all for being here as I go through this journey. I appreciate all of your love and support!
The beginning of 2026 has been slow, beautiful, intentional, and mindful so far — and I intend to keep it that way as much as I possibly can. I’m slowly but surely getting better at letting go of the pressure to perform and instead just exist in the moment.
I’m giving myself permission to just be, and I’ve gotta tell you… it’s pretty amazing.
📵 Life Without Social Media (So Far)
Ditching social media is going very well so far. I’d be lying if I said there haven’t been moments where I’ve instinctively wanted to reach for it — because there absolutely have been — but overall, I’ve felt a pretty significant sense of relief in its absence.
One thing I didn’t fully realize before is how obligated I felt to always be available to others simply because social media is always available. It wasn’t a conscious thought, but it was there in the background, quietly telling me I was letting people down if I wasn’t reachable.
And wow… that was deeply exhausting.
Honestly, I expected this transition to be much harder — going from frequent social media use to none at all — but it’s been easier than anticipated. And that alone tells me it’s the right choice. My nervous system is benefiting in noticeable ways: I’m sleeping better, feeling less daily anxiety, and staying far more present.
I’m also realizing how much I was being triggered by constant external input without even noticing it. Now, my triggers are mostly tied to my own lived experiences, which makes them far more manageable to address. Eliminating social media also eliminated the constant comparison spiral — and that has been a total game changer.
📓 A New Relationship with Planning
In preparation for 2026, I bought myself a cute new planner — but instead of forcing myself to use it the way I think I’m “supposed to,” I’m trying something new.
In years past, I’d buy a planner convinced this would be the year I magically became a hyper-organized, color-coded, Type A human. I’d try to plan every detail in advance, then beat myself up for everything I didn’t complete. And every year, I’d end up feeling like I had failed yet again — not because planners don’t work, but because I was trying to use them in a way that never worked for me.
This year, I’ve changed my approach.
Instead of only planning ahead, I’m primarily using my planner as a tracker — writing things down after they happen. I note when I practice piano, journal, do yoga, nap, or read. Even if it’s just a few minutes, it counts. Writing it down gives me a genuine sense of accomplishment, and I love being able to see my patterns without having to keep track of them all in my head.
I’m also logging various tasks and projects I complete — like decluttering our closet today and turning it back into a functional space. It’s not perfect, but it’s so much better, and writing it down once I was done felt incredibly validating.
I didn’t realize how much mental energy I was spending just trying to remember everything I was doing. Recording it externally has freed up so much brain space — and I didn’t even know how badly I needed that until now.
✍️ Letting Go of Perfection
In the past, I also put an absurd amount of pressure on my planner needing to be perfect. Perfect handwriting. Perfect colors. Perfect layout. Even though I was the only one who would ever see it.
If I didn’t have the “right” pen, I wouldn’t write anything. If my handwriting looked off, I’d criticize myself. If I misspelled something and crossed it out, I’d spiral like I had ruined the entire thing.
It was exhausting — and it’s no wonder my planners always ended up shoved in a drawer.
This year, I’m doing things differently. I’m using a simple black ballpoint pen. No perfection required. I’ve told myself I can add color later if I want — but I don’t have to. None of it is necessary. The planner exists to support me, not challenge me.
And shockingly? I’m actually enjoying it.
If at any point this tool stops serving me and starts becoming a struggle, I’ll let it go — without calling it a failure. Right now, it’s helping me logistically, mentally, and emotionally, and that’s what matters.
📚 Reading for Wisdom, Not Just Knowledge
I’m reading a few books right now, and each one is bringing me joy in a different way. I’m also working on slowing down and truly absorbing what I read instead of rushing through it. My current fiction read is The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley. My current nonfiction reads are The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and The Path of Greatness: The Game of Life and How to Play It and Other Essential Works by Florence Scovel Shinn.
This week in therapy, my therapist and I talked about the difference between knowledge and wisdom, and it kind of rocked my world. I realized I’d been devouring information without giving myself time to let it marinate — to see how (or if) I wanted to integrate it into my life.
No wonder I burned out on self-help.
Now, I’m reading fiction at night to help wind down, and keeping nonfiction for the daytime. That simple shift has made a huge difference. I’m taking my time, reading a few pages at once, then pausing to reflect. It finally feels like I’m gaining wisdom instead of just collecting information.
And it feels really, really good.
❄️ Settling Deeper into Wintering
I’m still very much enjoying this season of wintering, and I feel like I’m finally getting into its rhythm. The critical voice telling me to do more, go faster, push through, and ignore my body’s signals is getting quieter.
She’s still there — but I’m no longer mistaking her for absolute truth.
I’m learning to notice those thoughts, acknowledge them, and let them pass instead of gripping them tightly. There was a time when I couldn’t separate my thoughts from my identity at all. Now I am slowly but surely getting better and better at it. And that shift has been incredibly freeing.
🌱 A Gentle Conclusion
As I sit with all of this, one thing feels very clear: I’m no longer interested in systems, habits, or expectations that make my life harder than it needs to be. I’m actively choosing ease. I’m choosing tools and rhythms that support me instead of shame me. I’m choosing curiosity over criticism — again and again.
This season isn’t about doing more or becoming someone else. It’s about making space for who I already am, and allowing my life to feel lighter, kinder, and more honest as I move forward.
And honestly? That feels like the most sustainable kind of growth there is.
💬 A Question for You
Have you noticed any habits, systems, or expectations in your own life that feel heavier than they need to be? What might it look like to soften them — even just a little?
Thank you for being here with me on this journey. Stay tuned for more as I continue to grow through what I’m going through.
Wintering continues to be pretty awesome. The further I get into it, the more I am really starting to see just how much pressure I was putting on myself regularly to perform and be productive and always be further along than I actually was. I was always looking at things through a hyper critical, ever judgmental lens, especially about how I was spending my time.
Now, instead, I am looking through a lens of curiosity. It’s given me the opportunity to notice trends, acknowledge habits, and learn quite a bit in the process.
📵 A January Social Media Break
One main thing I have learned recently is that I spend a lot more time scrolling on social media than I think I ever really realized. More often than not, if I have a free moment, I instinctively reach for my phone, and then scroll. And while I am doing my best to refrain from judging myself for it, I am quickly determining that it is not something I want to continue to support for myself.
So, in response, I have decided that for the month of January I am going to take a complete break from social media. I will still be posting here on the blog regularly, but I will no longer be logging onto Instagram, Facebook, or TikTok. I will be deleting the apps from my phone and iPad so I will not be tempted to log in out of habit. I am giving myself 31 days without scrolling and I’ll see how I feel after that.
I know that this is the right thing for me to do, although I know it will absolutely be a struggle. But I am looking forward to the new fun things I come up with to fill my time instead. I am going to be giving myself the freedom to be bored and explore my mind space a little more than I have been giving myself the opportunity to do in recent years. Pretty much since social media took over the world, if we’re being completely honest.
While I know this will be a struggle, I also know that I am absolutely capable. I can do hard things, I have proven that to myself time and time again. If I can quit drinking and smoking cold turkey, I can quit social media for a month. I know I can.
When I first started my happiness journey, I knew that I was spending a lot of time on my phone, and it was something I would eventually need to address. To begin slowly, I tried a little hack I learned from Mel Robbins and I set my phone to grayscale mode. Although, full disclosure, I do switch it back to full color mode once a day to play Wordle and Connections in the NYT Games app. But other than that, my phone is always set to black and white.
At the beginning, it really did help curb my scrolling habits. But recently, I have found myself still scrolling away anyway, so I’ve decided it was time to do something about it. I think that one month away will do me a whole lot of good. I look forward to sharing the experience and my findings with you all. ✨
🌿 No Big Resolutions — Just Listening
Other than that, I am refraining from making any big resolutions for the new year. I am going to continue to keep wintering until I feel my spring develop naturally — I am not going to rush myself.
I am going to continue to keep enjoying my days, one at a time, and enjoying the journey as it develops. I am excited to see what 2026 brings, but I am not going to force any of it. Rather, I am going to listen to my intuition and enjoy the ride. So far, it’s been paying off pretty well. Far better than over controlling and over criticizing myself ever did, that’s for dang sure. 💛
✨ Things That Have Brought Me Joy Recently
The more I slow down and focus on being present in each moment, the more I find myself simply enjoying things — and I wanted to share some of those with you.
🎬 The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar
I discovered this on Netflix a week or so ago while Heath was at a work dinner and it was absolutely delightful — a beautiful bite sized piece of Wes Anderson goodness. A few days ago, I shared it with Heath and we watched it together. I enjoyed both watching it again and the act of sharing something together. He enjoyed it too and the whole experience brought me a substantial amount of joy.
🐶 Spending Time With My Dogs
Winston and Wrigley are my constant companions, and I have really been enjoying my time with them recently. Not that I don’t always, but I feel like I have a new appreciation for it along with everything else now as I am slowing down. Playing with them, talking to them, loving on them, snuggling on the couch with them — I am just embracing all of it a little bit more these days and it’s bringing me a lot of joy.
🍽️ Crossroads Diner
Yesterday, Heath and I drove up to Plano to go to one of our favorite restaurants in its new location. It had closed for a few years during COVID but has recently reopened and we hadn’t had a chance to make it up there until now. It’s a bit of a drive for us from Fort Worth, about 50 minutes. We used to go to their previous location quite a bit when we lived in Dallas and it was closer for us.
They make a quiche that is one of my absolute favorite dishes in the world, and getting to have it again after so long was an absolute delight. Previously, when we used to go, I always ordered a Bloody Mary or two, but since I have chosen sobriety, I had coffee this time and I am proud of myself.
I also ordered a cup of their tomato basil soup because it just sounded good, and WOW it was the best tomato basil soup I have had in a very long time. We ended up ordering two bowls of it to go before we left and then today I warmed them up, prepared some grilled cheeses for us to go with it and had it for lunch. Yum, yum, yum. ☕🥣
🍳 Making Meals
Having Heath home this past week has been great for a lot of reasons, but mostly because we are able to eat all of our meals together and we are cooking a lot at home. I have been making my chopped Mediterranean salad for us, Heath has been making breakfast burritos for us, I’ve made my tomato feta pasta, and it’s all just been very rewarding.
To prepare a meal and then sit and eat it together is a simple pleasure that we had lost sight of for a while. But slowing down has helped bring it back into focus and cooking has been bringing me a lot of joy recently. 🥗🍝
📺 Severance
I am a sucker for a good story. The other night, we were looking for a new show to start and after some options scrolling and discussion, we decided it was finally time to give Severance on Apple TV a shot. Man, oh man. I was not ready.
You guys, this is the best TV writing I have experienced in a VERY long time. I have been on the edge of my seat for every episode. Last night we finished season 1 and had it not been already past my bedtime, I would have wanted to keep going.
Other than Stranger Things Chapter 5, it has been a while since I have been so sucked into a storyline. I wasn’t even reaching for my phone during episodes. This show is completely engulfing and I am thoroughly enjoying every bit of it. 😮💨
👾 Stranger Things
Tonight is the final episode of Stranger Things and looking forward to it has been bringing me a lot of joy. We have been watching a lot of fan videos on YouTube explaining easter eggs we might have missed in the previous episodes and detailing possible theories for how it will all end.
It’s been really fun to get really nerdy about it together with Heath and to be counting down to the airtime with each release. I love a good pop culture reference, and Stranger Things is packed full with them.
With the staggered release dates — 4 episodes Thanksgiving Day, 3 episodes Christmas Day, and the finale on New Years Eve — it has been reminiscent of how TV used to be and that has brought me joy as well. While I will be sad that it’s over, I am very much looking forward to seeing how it all comes together in the final two hours. 🍿✨
🎶 Music
I have started listening to music first thing when I get up in the morning while I brush my teeth and get ready for the day. I’ve been jamming to “The Beatles & Similar Artists” radio station on Apple Music and it is pure vibes. One bop after another, and it’s been a great way to start my day. Joy, joy, so much joy.
Last night I did not sleep well at all. I woke up to my alarm absolutely exhausted and wanting to go right back to sleep, but once I got my music going, I was immediately feeling better. I still ended up needing a nap this afternoon, but I was able to get up and moving and to my chiropractor appointment without too much struggle — and music had everything to do with that. 🎧💛
🥂 Tonight’s New Year’s Eve Plans
Tonight we are staying in and I wouldn’t have it any other way. No big New Years plans other than making a nice dinner (salmon and purple sweet potatoes), watching the finale of Stranger Things, and just being together. We might work on tidying up the house a bit, but that’s about it.
I hope everyone has a safe and joyful New Year’s Eve! May 2026 be less chaotic for us all! ✨
💬 A Question for You
If you were to “winter” your way into 2026, what would you want to let go of — and what would you want to make more space for? 💛
✨ Want to Follow Along?
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Wintering is going pretty well. The more I am focusing on slowing down, the better I am feeling. The less pressure I am putting on myself, the easier I am moving through my days. The less I am focusing on how things might look and instead prioritizing how they feel, the more I am coming back to myself. Little by little, I feel myself coming back to life, and it’s pretty awesome. 💜
🎄 A Quiet Christmas, Exactly What We Needed
Heath and I had a very quiet Christmas, and I think it was exactly what we both needed. We made some nice meals, we stayed in our pajamas, we watched Stranger Things, we napped, we snacked, we drove around Fort Worth and looked at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve. We just took it all very moment by moment, no big plans, no expectations, just being together and enjoying it. It was pretty wonderful. ✨
🎥 The End of an Era & The Feelings I Didn’t Expect
During this past week, we finished watching Taylor Swift’s The End of An Era documentary series and thoroughly enjoyed every single moment of it, even though some of it triggered some emotional responses I wasn’t expecting.
It bought up a lot of energy and emotions that I didn’t realize I had been burying for a long time, highlighting things that for a long, long time I didn’t even realize weren’t anything but normal because I didn’t know any other options existed.
Rather than continuing to bury it all deep down, I gave myself the permission and the space to feel it all as I watched and honestly it was exactly what I needed.
💔 Grief, Tears, and Seeing What I Didn’t Have
Mostly, seeing Taylor’s relationship with her family just gutted me. Specifically, watching her interact with her mom. There was zero stress, zero codependency, only genuine unconditional love and support. No backhanded comments, no stirring the pot for attention, no judgmental faces, no attempts to belittle or strong arm…
I just, I can’t even imagine what that must have been like growing up. To have your parents be 100% supportive of who you are and what you think and feel. To be so accepted at face value without any attempts to change or shape you into the version of you they created in their heads — the version they wanted you to be instead of who actually you are… I just can’t even imagine. And it triggered a lot of tears. 🥺
It brought up a lot of grief for the younger versions of me who learned over and over again to make herself small to be accepted, who learned to push down her desires and dreams because they would be judged and discouraged.
But I let myself feel those feelings in full force as I watched. After we finished watching, I sat down and journaled about it, I talked to Heath about it for a while, and ultimately I excavated a lot of the memories I had buried and acknowledged them instead of hiding them.
It didn’t change what happened, but it helped change my relationship with it. 🤍
🌊 Letting the Feelings Move Through Me
As I sit here writing this post, I am still feeling the sting of all of it. It still hurts. But instead of hiding from it, I am letting myself feel it. I am acknowledging it all for what it is.
Emotions are just energy in motion, so the more I let myself feel them and let them move through me instead of holding on to them or shoving them down deep and pretending like they aren’t there, the less painful they will be.
I am making slow but steady progress, and I know that the slower and steadier I keep my pace, the more sustainable my growth and healing will be. So I am just taking things one moment at a time and resisting the urge to force or rush. 🌿
🎶 Music Is a Nonnegotiable
Recently, I have learned that music is truly a nonnegotiable part of my life. Over the past few months, I have been spending a majority of my time listening to podcasts or audiobooks, and music has taken a bit of a backseat.
But as I have committed to this wintering era and let go of the push of productivity, I have rediscovered how integral music is to my soul. Whether I am listening to it, watching documentaries about it, or learning to play it on the piano, it just makes me feel so authentically me and I am so grateful for it.
I have been listening to The Tortured Poets Department on repeat for the past few days, I am learning how to play The 1 from folklore on piano, and I have been singing and humming a lot in the spaces in between. 🎹✨
🧠 Neuroplasticity & Giving Myself Permission to Learn
For a long time, I told myself that because I didn’t start playing music when I was a kid, because I haven’t been formally trained as a singer, because I have no real training in any of it at all, that its too late. I missed my chance to become a musician in any capacity. I just thought I could be a fan and that was it.
But one of the benefits of all my podcast learning and mental health research recently is that I have learned about the concept of neuroplasticity.
For a long time we were all taught that once you hit a certain age, you just are the way you are and you can’t change — “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” But recent scientific research has proved that to be completely false, and in actuality, the brain can change and grow and develop new skills throughout your entire life.
Whether you are 8 or 80, you can develop new abilities. Your brain is a muscle, you just need to work it. 💪🧠
So that is what I am doing. I am working my music muscle as much as I can. I just want to surround myself with music as much as possible — whether I am creating it or consuming it, I just need it around all the time.
🎹 Piano Without Pressure
When I first started teaching myself piano, I was getting frustrated that I wasn’t able to learn a song in one sitting. That I couldn’t watch a YouTube tutorial and master it completely in one go. I was still very much in the mindset of rushing and rigidity.
I was only focused on getting to the finished product instead of enjoying the process, and that was a big, BIG mistake. I ended up taking about a week away from the keyboard and to be quite honest I had mixed feelings about it.
Part of me was proud of myself for not forcing myself, for giving myself the grace to take the time away. But the other part of me was sad because I still wanted to play, I still wanted to get better.
So I made a deal with myself. I was going to pick it back up again but without the pressure. The goal is to enjoy playing, not to be perfect. If at any point I find myself falling into the perfectionist trap, I take a step away to recalibrate and then I come back. And that change in mindset has really changed my whole experience. ✨
💄 Makeup, Self-Care, and Doing It for Me
Other than getting my makeup done for my boudoir shoot last month, I cannot remember the last time I put on makeup and was genuinely excited about it. A few times here and there I have put on some lipstick to go out for a nice dinner or something, but I have almost always felt a very overwhelming sense of imposter syndrome the entire time I had it on.
In line with my rigid way of thinking, I told myself that because I hadn’t worn makeup in a long time, I just couldn’t wear it at all.
I also have realized now that deep down, I was still so physically and emotionally drained that it’s just felt like a lot of work to put on makeup that I would just be taking off later. That thought process trickled into every aspect of my thoughts about my physical appearance.
I rarely ever styled my hair (curls are kind of an in depth, time consuming process), I went about a month without shaving my legs, I really just didn’t care what I looked like. Or at least that is what I told myself.
I realize now that I actually did care, and because I wasn’t making the time for any of it, I was ultimately neglecting myself — my inner child — the part of me who needed me to show up even for the “superficial” stuff.
I told myself that because I rarely ever leave the house, no one would really see me, so I told myself none of it was worth it. Once again, I was still so focused on how something looked to outsiders rather than how it felt to me.
Bottom line, I didn’t think I was worth any of the effort. Rookie mistake. One I have since started working to rectify. 🤍
💋 The Taylor Lip Combo & A Tiny Spark of Joy
In The End of an Era series, Taylor showed the lip combo that she wore for the tour and it sparked something inside me. I wanted it. Like really, really wanted it.
But initially I talked myself out of it. I stuck with my rigid thinking and went on with life. Then we watched the Eras Tour Final Show concert film and I had that feeling again — I just wanted that lip combo SO badly.
I knew with complete certainty that I wanted to take the “Taylor Swift lip look” and make it my own. Instead of pairing it with a full face of makeup like she does for the show, I wanted to just have a mostly bare face, maybe some eyeliner, and let the red lip really be the focus.
So I got online and ordered the lip combo almost immediately. I wanted to do it just for me, so I did. And it felt sincerely amazing. 💄✨
Of course, every other Swiftie on the planet had the same idea, so inevitably both products are on back order and it will be a few weeks before they arrive. But that’s okay — it gives me something to look forward to. I’ll take it.
The important thing is that I have shifted my perspective to doing things for me because I want to, not because of how it will look or how other people will receive it.
Physical self care has become a priority again. I have been doing some DIY all natural face masks to help balance out my skin again, and I ordered myself some new eyeliner to start small and start putting in effort to my appearance for the simple reason that I want to.
This morning I put on some of that new eyeliner and some red lipstick I already had and I have to say… I am feeling myself today. 😌💋
🌙 Showing Up for My Inner Child
I am doing my best to listen to my inner child and show up for her when she asks for things. I am trying to be present in the moment and to let go of the performative pressure I used to put on myself without even realizing it.
In the beginning, I criticized my piano skills and tried to force things because I felt like I needed to record them and share them. That that would somehow justify the time I was spending on it. I felt like if I couldn’t show off my progress, post evidence of it, I was wasting my time. Once again, so very focused on everyone else instead of myself. But now we are shifting that perspective. Maybe one day in the future, I will record myself playing piano and post it here, but that is not the reason why I am practicing. That is not the ultimate goal. I am practicing because I enjoy the activity of playing piano. I am doing it for me. And that is enough.
I am taking care of myself for me. I am trying to consistently show myself that I am worth the effort, on the good days and the harder days.
I am trying to be gentle with myself and learn what brings me joy and what brings me stress. I am really trying to understand the “why” behind my actions and feelings, getting curious rather than critical or judgmental.
As long as my motivation for something is joy, I am going for it. I am letting go of worrying how it might look to others and really trying to only focus on how it feels for me. It’s a complete shift in perspective but I know its necessary. ✨
🤍 Proud of This Version of Me
I feel proud of myself today. I feel proud of the wintering I am going through and the discoveries it is bringing me.
I look forward to the journey ahead and experiencing future versions of myself — seeing where I will be in 6 months, a year from now — but I am also honoring this exact version of myself right now because, lets be real, she is pretty awesome too. 💜✌🏻
💬 A Question for You
I’d love to hear from you:
What has been bringing you joy lately — especially the kind that doesn’t look productive, impressive, or “useful,” but feels nourishing all the same?
If you feel comfortable sharing, drop a comment below. Your answer might be exactly what someone else needs to read today. 💜
✨ Want to Follow Along?
If you’ve been enjoying these reflections and want to continue following along as I navigate wintering, healing, joy, and slowing down, I’d love for you to subscribe.
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GREAT NEWS! I am finally starting to feel better and holy cow I am so grateful! To be able to breathe out of both nostrils at the same time… what a blessing! 😅
When I really think back on it with absolute honesty, I have been feeling some version of sick for the past couple of weeks. Whether it be actual cold symptoms like a sore throat or congestion, or just that “pre-sick feeling” of being overly tired and cranky and sluggish. I just haven’t felt like myself in quite some time. Longer than I wanted to admit before. I’m stubborn like that. I fly my “I’m fine, it’s just allergies” flag like it’s my job. 🚩
But now I can fully acknowledge and admit that I have been fluctuating between the two phases — the “pre-sick feeling” and the actual symptoms — for weeks now.
🌿 Holistic Remedies + The Moment I Finally Accepted Help
Up until this past Friday, I really was not giving myself the space and grace to simply rest. I was doing all of my natural, holistic treatments/remedies, but I was not giving my body the rest it needed to be able to heal. I was pushing myself to just get through it. On top of that, I was also completely refusing to take any over-the-counter drugs.
I am definitely more of an all-natural girlie, especially when it comes to treating illnesses. If there is a natural remedy for something, I am trying that first. And most of the time, it works… but sometimes I need the help of the high-powered stuff and, whether I liked it or not, this was one of those times.
On Saturday, Heath went to CVS for me and got me some Mucinex D. I’m not gonna lie — I was pretty pissed that it was coming to this. I really hate taking that kind of stuff. Through all my herbalism and holistic research, I just know too much about the chemicals they use in those things and I have a really hard time willingly consuming them.
But my congestion had gotten so bad that I wasn’t able to sleep very much, and the times when I was finally able to doze off, it was very sporadic and inconsistent. I was waking up feeling the same as I did before I slept. That was no good.
I knew something had to give, so I begrudgingly agreed to take at least one dose and see how I felt. Within an hour, I was able to breathe through my nose again and I felt everything in my head become unclogged.
Sweet, sweet relief! 🙌
I still kept up with all my holistic treatments too — nasal rinses, flu bomb tea (freshly minced garlic, cayenne pepper, freshly minced ginger, lemon juice, honey, sea salt, warm water), hot showers, peppermint and eucalyptus essential oils, castor oil, baths with Dead Sea salts and apple cider vinegar, and finally… resting, resting, resting.
I took two doses of Mucinex on Saturday and two doses on Sunday, and today I am feeling so much better that I haven’t taken any! It is pretty exciting, not gonna lie. 😄
🛌 Resting Without Guilt (A Rare and Beautiful Thing)
Saturday and Sunday I rested without guilt more than I have in any recent memory. I cannot remember a time before then when I was sick or just tired and rested without feeling like I should be doing something else… without telling myself I was weak… without telling myself I was lazy and useless and a waste of space.
But I was able to do that this weekend. I was able to sleep in and snuggle on the couch and nap — all without thinking about doing anything else. I just fully committed to resting and it absolutely paid off. 💛
One of my biggest struggles when I start to feel better after being sick is doing too much too fast and then throwing myself right back into it. So today, even though I want to do a lot because I am so excited to be feeling better, I am forcing myself to keep resting.
I want to start on some house projects and dive back into all of my exercise routines, but I know that if I do all of that today, I will be back to feeling crappy by tomorrow without a doubt.
So the most I am allowing myself today is to get back on the walk pad and walk SLOWLY. I don’t even want to break a sweat. I just want to move gently. The closet that needs to be organized will still be there tomorrow — and the day after that too. 😌
I really want this wellness to stick around, so I will be gentle with myself as much as possible.
📚 Reading for Pleasure Again
I finished A Winter’s Promise on Saturday and immediately started reading the next book in the series, The Missing of Clairdelune. It is bringing me quite a lot of simple joy right now.
I kinda forgot what it was like to read simply for pleasure. Even before my happiness project and restricting what I was reading, I had lost sight of the joy of reading for pleasure. I was going for quantity over quality and I didn’t even realize it until just recently.
For a few years, I was tracking everything I read on Goodreads and trying to log as many books as I could as fast as I could like it was some sort of competition. In 2024, I logged 77 books. WHAT?! That is kind of insane. 😳
I was rushing through each book so I could get to the next one, and I honestly didn’t even realize it at the time. I was so caught up in the numbers that I lost sight of the pleasure of the activity. I was trying to be impressive — I wanted to tell people how many books I read and have them think, “wow, that Bailz sure is good at reading, I like her!”
Like pretty much everything else in my life, it became more about what other people thought than it was about how it made me feel — what I thought about it. And yet, I had no idea at the time. I never let myself slow down enough to even think about it. I just kept pushing.
Now that I am really leaning into my wintering phase and trying to slow down in all areas, reading has been a main priority in that regard. I am focusing on taking my time with each page and making sure I’m actually enjoying the stories I’m absorbing — because that is the whole point, not checking a box and adding to a tally.
I’m not in any rush… or at least I’m trying really hard not to be. Admittedly, my instinct is still to rush. It has been my default for so long, so I know it will take time to unlearn. But I’m actively trying to quiet that urge — to silence that inner voice that says, “hurry up! go faster! there is so much to do! go! go! go!”
It’s a work in progress, but I’m proud of myself for acknowledging the problem and addressing it head on. ✨
🎶 Comfort Shows, Music Stories & Childlike Joy
Some other things that have been bringing happiness into my days recently are The End of an Era, the Taylor Swift documentary series, and The Beatles Anthology documentary series — both on Disney+.
Music is truly one of my favorite things in life. Always has been, always will be. Watching behind-the-scenes footage and hearing stories about how some of my favorite musicians do what they do best brings such joy and warmth to my heart.
I find myself genuinely smiling as I watch and it feels pretty dang great. With each episode, I feel myself coming back to myself a little bit more. I am experiencing the childlike joy that for so long has eluded me.
I am taking care of my inner child a little bit better with each day and I have to admit… it’s pretty beautiful. 🥹💜
🌙 Sleeping More, Listening More, Trusting More
Beyond that, I am really focusing on sleeping A LOT. I am not paying attention to the clock, I am paying attention to my body and so far it seems to be working out pretty well.
I will get back to my sleep schedule with more discipline soon, but not until I am feeling 100% again. Depriving myself of rest is just not in the cards right now. That is part of wintering. That is part of healing. That is part of my journey right now.
So I am leaning into it as much as I can.
❄️ Slow and Steady
Slow and steady wins the race. My wintering phase is in full swing right now and it feels really good.
I am taking my time with everything I can and though it may not be glamorous or exciting, I know it is absolutely necessary if I want to make any sustainable progress going forward.
So I will keep on keeping on — taking everything one step at a time, and giving myself as much grace as possible. 💛
💬 A Question for You
What’s one small way you can slow down today and be gentle with yourself — even if your brain tries to tell you to rush? 🤍
✨ Want to Follow Along?
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Last week, my therapist recommended a book to me called Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May, and it has really helped shift my perspective on this entire process I have been going through.
Before I started reading this book, I had no idea just how much pressure I was putting on myself to always be doing more. I was so strict and rigid with myself, and I expected myself to be so much further along than I was.
I was neglecting to acknowledge everything I was trying to heal from — I just wanted to be healed.
🧠 The Pressure I Didn’t Realize I Was Carrying
Some days, I was accomplishing a lot and sticking to my routines, but some days I was struggling more than I let myself realize and therefore was beating myself up a lot.
There was more consistency than I have ever had before, but it was not nearly 100%, and deep down, I was ashamed of it. I was ashamed of what I was doing or not doing, of the fact that I was “weak” and needed to take this time to figure my shit out.
I felt like I needed to be strict and rigid with myself to somehow earn this period of healing. That I needed to make radical changes in short amounts of time and force this growth as if it were my job so that I could justify the space I was taking up on this planet.
I was not being very kind or patient with myself at all.
Even though I thought I was trying to be gentle with myself — I told myself I was, I wrote here about how I was — ultimately I was never really succeeding. I liked the idea of being gentle with myself, but to be honest, I had really no idea how to actually execute it in practice, because I never learned how to.
It was never modeled for me when I was growing up. I never saw it in action. It was never really encouraged. All I have ever known is self criticism, so breaking the cycle has been quite the challenge.
⏳ Rest Used to Feel Like “Wasting Time”
Prior to starting this book, anytime I was resting during a non-designated rest or sleep time, I was thinking to myself that I should be working on something else. I should be reading. I should be writing a blog post. I should be practicing piano. I should be up on the walk pad. I should be cleaning the house.
And yes — all of those things are valid uses of my time. But I was tired. My body was telling me to rest. Instead of appreciating the message from my body, I was shaming myself. Telling myself that I shouldn’t be tired, that if I rest now, I’m wasting time and throwing off my sleep schedule.
📚 What “Wintering” Taught Me
Then I started reading Wintering, and it has helped immensely.
May explains Wintering as:
“a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency and vanishing from sight; but thats where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible… Doing those deeply unfashionable things — slowing down, letting your spare time expand, getting enough sleep, resting — is a radical act now, but it is essential.”
I didn’t realize it at first, but I was absolutely thinking of this season I’m going through as a spring — a rebirth of some sort. I was expecting to just become this whole new version of myself overnight through sheer will.
I was trying to skip over the wintering completely.
I felt that by slowing down, I was wasting this time and opportunity when I could be doing so much more. I had given myself a few weeks at the beginning of all this to slow down (or so I thought), and I told myself that was plenty and it was time to push through and move on and get to the doing and growing and healing.
As I have been working my way through this book, I have realized that the rest and the slowing down is exactly what this time is for. That by not utilizing this time to do that, I am in fact wasting this opportunity.
🌙 Letting the Season Be What It Is
So, that is what I am trying to really focus on.
Prior to starting this book and shifting my perspective, I was feeling a little bit frustrated that I was going through this experience going into the winter months. I wanted to be in the summer with the sun rising earlier and setting later so I could work on my circadian rhythm easier.
I was feeling frustrated over the evenings arriving earlier and earlier each day. I was fussing over the fact that I needed to wear more and more layers as the temperatures fell. I was just resisting every bit of it because I was trying to race ahead to spring and summer — literally and figuratively.
But now that I have taken a step back and realized that the process of wintering is absolutely necessary in order to have a successful spring, I am so very grateful that my winter of life is also falling during the physical seasonal winter.
All those things I was resisting — the shorter days, the lower temperatures, the extra layers — now I see them as benefits, so I am leaning into them.
Now I am going to focus on hibernating like my life depends on it, because you know what? It kind of does. ❄️
🛌 Practicing Rest, Presence, and “Awareness Without Judgment”
The past few days I have spent quite a bit of time in bed, reading and resting and resisting the urge to rush.
I am trying not to scroll on my phone as much, trying to be present in my relaxation. I am spending time in bed just thinking/meditating and it’s been odd but really nice.
I am napping when I am tired. I am listening to my body.
I am still mindful of my nighttime and morning routines, but I am not beating myself up for any deviations from them. If I wake up feeling like I need to go back to sleep for a little bit longer, I am letting myself do it.
If I am struggling to go to sleep and decide I am going to stay up and read for a little bit longer until I really do start to feel sleepy, I am letting myself do it.
I am just trying to be in the moment more, listen to my body more, and overall let go of the reins a little bit.
I really was being so strict with myself and so rigid. I was holding myself to an impossibly high standard for what I am going through, and it was ultimately becoming a detriment.
I am trying to bring a lot of awareness into my days — awareness without judgment. I am trying to pay attention to where my thoughts are going, how my body is feeling, how my spirit is feeling, and simply notice those things instead of judging or criticizing myself for them.
I am trying to approach everything through a lens of curiosity instead — curiosity and kindness and compassion. 💜
I have also started gratitude journaling before bed each night. I spend a few moments writing down everything I am thankful for, and that has been very helpful in keeping me present as well.
🤍 Choosing Honesty (Even When Hustle Culture Says Otherwise)
This bit of the journey may not be glamorous or exciting. It may not be the most captivating thing to read about — but it’s where I am right now.
There is a part of me that is scared to talk about all of this, to be broadcasting the fact that I am actively trying to do less in a world where hustling is king.
But when I created this space, I vowed to be honest and transparent and vulnerable with you all, so I am going to hold myself to that and keep showing up — even when there isn’t a whole lot to say.
I had been flailing a bit trying to hold onto some direction and growth and progress that just wasn’t sticking, but now I know that this is not the time for that. This is not my spring yet. This is my winter, and I need to respect that.
I am wintering, and I am going to give it my all. ❄️
💬 A Question for You
Have you ever had a season of life where rest was the work? If you feel comfortable sharing — what did your “wintering” look like, and what helped you soften into it? 🤍
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Today marks three months of Bailz Has a Blog! The time has really flown by, it’s hard to believe it’s already been 3 months!
I am so proud of how far I have come since I created this space. So much has changed, I have accomplished so much and acknowledged so much in such a short amount of time. It’s wild and amazing and I am flooded with gratitude. 💜
I am so grateful for all of you who have been following along with the journey and sending me all of your kind words and encouragement with each step of the way. It sincerely means the world to me, not only that you guys are reading the words I write, but also that they are resonating with so many of you. I am so incredibly grateful, I really cannot express that enough.
💆♀️ Progress Scans, Nervous System Wins & Healing in Real Time
Thursday morning I had my second set of progress scans with my chiropractor and it went really well. I got a chance to sit down with Dr. Lauren and go over everything in detail and also talk about what still needs attention.
My rib is doing better than it was when we started, but it still doesn’t feel 100% yet, so we are going to focus on that more going forward. Same with the left side of my neck.
Because I am actively excavating past traumas to deal with and then ultimately heal from them, I have been experiencing more frequent tension in my neck recently. Dr. Lauren said this is normal as that is the first place that tension/misalignment will occur if there is any sort of disruption. So going forward, that will be a primary focus along with my rib.
But overall, my spine itself is in MUCH better shape than it was when I started, and my nervous system is much more regulated than it has really ever been in my whole life.
Yes, I am still experiencing some distress and I am still pretty easily triggered, but I am recovering from it all a lot quicker and easier than I ever have before. And that is simply incredible.
I honestly thought I would always be overwhelmed and that I would always struggle with everything — the big things, the little things, all of it. Being a fully functioning human always seemed like a foreign concept for me, I just never saw it as something achievable for myself.
But now I know that it is and I am working towards it, slowly but surely. ✨
🚗 Heading to My Happy Place: Guthrie, Oklahoma
After my appointment, I hopped in the car and headed up to Guthrie, Oklahoma for the night. Guthrie really is my happy place and I am so glad I made the effort to make that happen for myself. It was a very quick trip, but it filled my heart so much.
I got to spend brief but quality time with some of my favorite people. Though they are relatively new friends, my heart feels like I have known them for a lot longer, and it was so lovely to get to hug them and laugh with them and talk about everything we possibly could in the short amount of time we had together.
Though I was only there for 24 hours, I definitely feel like I was able to make the most of my time. I was fortunate enough to be able to see the local production of A Territorial Christmas Carol, a creative Okie spin on the Dickens classic, at the historic Pollard Theater.
I got in a round of karaoke. I got a private tour of The State Capital Publishing Museum which was SO incredibly cool. I even got to go upstairs and out onto the balcony from which it was announced that Oklahoma was officially a state in 1907. I won’t lie, I got a little emotional as I stood there. It was truly amazing. 🥹
🌆 Food, Local Favorites & Walking the Town
I ate at some of my favorite places. I shopped at my favorite local businesses and I got to walk around the town quite a bit, which is honestly one of my favorite parts about being in Guthrie.
The houses and downtown buildings are just so beautiful and historic and it just does my heart so good to be out and about in town just taking it all in. 🏡✨
🌹 The Cemetery, My Ancestors & The Roots That Pull Me Back
One of the most meaningful parts of the trip was going to the cemetery and spending some time with my ancestors and putting some Christmas themed flowers at their gravesites. Upon arrival, I was very pleased to see that the flowers I left for them this summer are still in great condition!
My grandfather’s great-grandparents, the Mertens, were part of the Land Run in 1889 and helped settle Guthrie in its earliest days. Later generations stayed through the early 70s. My grandfather was actually born in Guthrie, though he grew up in Atlanta. The Mertens were very involved with the community, through local government, public education, and some of them were even Masons.
This was one of the reasons why Heath and I chose to get married at the Scottish Rite Masonic Temple in Guthrie. Even though it was just the two of us for the ceremony, it did feel like I had some family there with me, though they might not have been visible. 🤍
I didn’t know any of them personally, they were all gone long before my arrival on the planet, but I have always felt a very strong pull to Guthrie and my ancestral roots there. Every time I am in town, I make sure to go spend some time with them at the cemetery and it feels so significant each time. I swear I feel their presence and it is so comforting.
I honestly feel their presence all through town. Through a good amount of ancestral research, I have discovered where they all lived over the years, where they worked, what their lives might have been like back in the day, and it feels so special to be able to walk into the buildings I know they were in a century ago. To be in rooms I know they stood in. To walk by where they lived, some of the houses are even still standing in their original forms.
It just feels incredibly significant and I am so grateful that I have the opportunity to go back as often as I do. Guthrie is just a special place and I love it so much. ✨
🌅 The Drive Home & A Full Heart
I left to drive home around midafternoon and it took a little bit longer to get home than normal because of Friday rush hour traffic, but instead of getting annoyed at how long it took, I focused on being present and just enjoyed the time in the car — singing along to my favorite songs and enjoying the sunset views. 🌅🎶
I am pretty tired now that I am home and have some time to catch my breath. But I am mostly just so grateful for the experience and I am so proud of myself for making the time to go and for doing something fun just for me, just because I wanted to.
I am also grateful that Heath was so supportive and encouraging of the trip. Though I wish he could have come with me (everything is always more fun when we are together), I am grateful that he could stay home with the dogs and give me the opportunity to get out of the city, even just for a day.
Big city life has its advantages, but I have found myself feeling a little burnt out by it recently. So a short respite in the country was just what the doctor ordered and though I am tired, I also feel restored. Like I’ve said before, two things can be true at once. And this is one of those times. 💛
I am hoping that we can get back up to Guthrie together soon — at the very least in March to celebrate our one year anniversary. 🥰
💬 A Question for You
Do you have a place that feels like your “happy place” or a place that pulls you back again and again? If you do, I’d love to know where it is and what it gives you when you’re there. 🤍
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It’s been a few days since my last post, and I’ve really been trying to slow down and focus on being gentle with myself. Although, admittedly, I’ve been struggling with it. I’m feeling better today, but the in-between was rougher than I anticipated.
After my post on Friday, I felt a huge amount of vulnerability. On one hand, I was incredibly proud of myself for sharing everything I did. But at the same time, I felt pretty depleted — it took a lot of energy to muster up the courage to say those things out loud.
🎵 The Concert I Almost Skipped (But Absolutely Needed)
Friday night we went to a concert, and every bit of me wanted to skip it. I was drained, I was tired, I was not feeling 100% by any means. But we were going to see one of Heath’s favorite bands, NEEDTOBREATHE, and we’d had these tickets for months. I couldn’t bring myself to deprive him of the experience, so I pushed through — and I am so glad I did. I know without a doubt that I was supposed to be there.
The opener was a woman named Bre Kennedy. I had never heard of her before, but now? I absolutely love her. From the very first song, she grabbed my heart and didn’t let it go. Her voice was stunning, her lyrics beautiful, and I was literally moved to tears. And once they started, they didn’t stop.
But of course — my inner critic immediately piped up:
“Oh my god, stop crying! People are going to see you! What are they going to think?!”
Still, for one of the first times in a long time, I chose not to listen. I let the tears flow. I stayed in the moment. I let myself feel.
And yes, I ugly cried through most of her set. And I regret nothing.
📚 The Alchemist, Omens, and the Nudge I Needed
During her set, Bre talked about her upcoming album, The Alchemist, named after Paulo Coelho’s book. This hit me hard. I had bought that book on my last trip to Guthrie, started reading it, then put it on the shelf when I got home because I became wrapped up in all my Happiness Project reading.
The moment she mentioned it, I knew I needed to pick it back up again.
After the show, Heath noticed me eyeing her at the merch table and asked if I wanted to meet her. My instinct was no, because interacting with people I admire makes me panic — but I said yes.
I told her how much her music moved me, how I cried through the whole thing, and how she inspired me to restart The Alchemist. She was so kind, so gracious, so warm. I almost cried again talking to her. I’m so glad I took the chance.
The next day, I restarted The Alchemist from the beginning, and instantly felt immersed again — in the story, the Personal Legend, the Soul of the World, the omens. It reinforced everything I’ve been feeling lately:
I am in the messy middle. I am doing the work. And I am on the right path.
🌿 Therapy, Inner Critics, and Blooming Slowly
I had therapy yesterday, and it went really well. Each session makes me more confident that I’ve finally found the right therapist. We talked a lot about childhood trauma and how those experiences still color the way I treat myself now — especially the way my inner critic talks to me.
You would think that getting sober is a HUGE accomplishment that even my inner critic couldn’t argue with, right? Wrong.
She said:
“Obviously you should be sober! Why didn’t you do it sooner? You’re so late to the game!”
She can be… a lot.
I told my therapist how I’m struggling with wanting everything to happen faster — I want to be further along than I am. And she gave me an analogy that struck me deeply:
When a flower blooms, it expands… and then it pauses. It contracts a little to gather energy. Without those pauses, it wouldn’t bloom at all — its petals would fall off.
WOW. I loved that.
It was exactly what I needed. I don’t want to lose my petals. I want to bloom slowly and stay intact. That means I have to pause. I have to rest. I have to let myself contract so I can grow again.
The past few days have been my pause-and-contract phase. Today, I feel like I’m blooming again.
📖 Books, Chiropractic Care, and Little Moments of Self-Care
My therapist recommended a new book — Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May — and it arrived today. I’m excited to start it tonight.
This morning I went to the chiropractor, then this afternoon I got a haircut. It felt so nice to pamper myself a little.
Tomorrow morning I have my second progress scan with the chiropractor. The first scan showed enormous improvement and brought me to tears. I know this next one will too.
I feel so much more centered, grounded, and connected to my body than I did even a month ago. These adjustments have helped regulate my nervous system in ways I didn’t even realize were possible.
💜 Gratitude for Where I Am Now
Instead of focusing on “what ifs,” I’m focusing on gratitude.
I am grateful that I have the opportunity to do this work. Grateful that I can afford therapy and chiropractic care. Grateful that I have a husband who encourages me every step of the way. Grateful that I quit my job when I did. Grateful that I started my blog, found my chiropractor, found my therapist, quit drinking, quit smoking — when I did.
I’m following the omens. I’m working toward my own Personal Legend. It’s messy. It’s beautiful. And I feel so lucky to be here.
I am doing this for every younger version of me who couldn’t. For every future version of me who will benefit. And for the current version of me who keeps showing up — on the good days and the harder ones too.
💬 A Question for You
Before you go, I’d love to hear from you:
Where are you in your own blooming process right now — expanding, contracting, or somewhere beautifully in between?
Share in the comments if you feel comfortable. Your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today. 🌿
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Bailz Has a Blog 