Tomorrow marks six months of sobriety for me. WOW! That feels pretty huge, and honestly, I can’t believe it’s already been half a year.
I am feeling incredibly grateful and incredibly proud of the work I’ve done to get here. There have been days when sobriety has felt easy, and there have been days when I’ve come very close to reaching for a drink. Every single one of those days mattered. They all added up to six full months of sobriety.
Hell fucking yes.
🌱 Why I Quit
In November 2025, I reached a breaking point and decided enough was enough.
I had spent the previous few months getting serious about my health and self-care, and the more attention I paid, the more I realized how much alcohol and THC were getting in the way of my healing journey.
Now, I want to make one thing very clear: I do not think alcohol or THC are inherently bad. I know plenty of people who use both in healthy and manageable ways.
But my relationships with alcohol and THC were absolutely negative and detrimental.
I was using them to numb, avoid, and bottle up my feelings. And that’s just no good.
😴 The First Thing That Changed: Sleep
One of the biggest improvements I’ve noticed is my sleep.
Sleep is still something I work on, both in terms of quality and consistency, but it has become significantly easier to get restful sleep since getting sober. And when you add in the complete absence of hangovers? That’s a pretty substantial win.
Before sobriety, I drank almost every night. I told myself it helped me sleep, and technically it often did. The problem was that the sleep I was getting was terrible.
I wasn’t getting deep, restorative sleep. I wasn’t waking up refreshed. Most mornings I woke up anxious, exhausted, and already looking forward to my next drink so I could take the edge off again.
Looking back now, the pattern feels obvious.
At the time, I genuinely didn’t see it.
🐅 Running From Tigers
I was so burned out and so deeply stuck in fight, flight, or freeze that everything felt like a tiger was chasing me.
And I really do mean everything.
Good things. Bad things. Neutral things.
Everything made me panic.
Except when I had a drink or a joint in my hand. Then the tigers left me alone for a little while.
So I leaned pretty heavily on both of them.
When I began my healing journey, I started learning how to feel my emotions instead of running from them. I started experimenting with healthier coping tools. The more I practiced them and saw their benefits, the less I found myself reaching for alcohol and THC.
Eventually, I was ready to let them go altogether.
💭 My Sobriety Dreams
One unexpected thing that came with sobriety is that I started dreaming again and remembering my dreams much more clearly.
What’s really interesting is that I dream about sobriety fairly often.
For months, I had recurring dreams where I would drink, smoke, or take a gummy. In the dream, I’d suddenly realize what I’d done and immediately panic.
“Wait! I don’t do this anymore! Why did I do this? Now I have to start over. I’m back at day one!”
Then I’d wake up confused, upset, and stressed… only to realize it was just a dream.
The relief was immediate every single time.
More recently, though, the dreams have changed.
Now, when I’m offered a drink, smoke, or gummy in a dream, I accept it… and then stop myself right before consuming it.
I hear myself say:
“No thank you. I don’t do this anymore.”
Hell yes, Dream Bailz. Hell yes!
That shift feels significant, and I’m incredibly proud of it.
🍹 The Unexpected Joy of Mocktails
Another wonderful thing that’s come out of sobriety has been discovering mocktails.
Okay, technically I already knew they existed.
I just never paid much attention to them before because if I was ordering something besides water, it was definitely going to contain alcohol.
Since getting sober, I’ve tried every mocktail that catches my eye, and let me tell you: there are some absolutely delicious options out there.
When Heath and I were in Florida, I ordered mocktails with almost every meal. Each one felt like a delightful little treat.
It felt good to treat myself to something that wasn’t going to make me feel worse afterward.
Sure, there might be the occasional sugar crash.
But that’s a whole lot better than a hangover.
🥗 Rebuilding My Relationship With Food
One of the most surprising benefits of sobriety has been a dramatic improvement in my appetite.
For years, I relied on THC to help me eat.
I was so deep in burnout that my appetite was nearly nonexistent. I’d go as long as possible without eating, then suddenly become ravenous and reach for whatever was quickest and easiest.
To combat that, I started smoking to stimulate my appetite.
And honestly? It worked.
But it also became a crutch.
I had unintentionally trained my brain to associate hunger with smoking. Eventually, if I didn’t smoke, I couldn’t get hungry.
When I realized that, I knew something needed to change.
I started limiting my use before quitting altogether. I only allowed myself to smoke after I had prepared a real meal.
Eventually, because my use had become so structured, it stopped being enjoyable.
Quitting felt like the natural next step.
Retraining my brain and appetite took some time, but honestly, not nearly as much time as I expected.
As my sleep improved and my nervous system calmed down, my eating habits began to improve too.
🍳 Learning New Ways to Cope
I also started using cooking as a coping tool.
Whenever I felt the urge to drink or smoke, I’d make myself a meal instead.
By the time I finished preparing it, I wasn’t thinking about alcohol or THC anymore.
I was thinking about how delicious the food smelled.
And how proud I was of myself.
🧠 Facing the Tiger
When your brain thinks a tiger is chasing you, it isn’t concerned about sleeping well or eating nutritious meals.
It’s focused on keeping you alive.
That’s its job.
And when you’ve been running from that tiger for years, you stop realizing you’re running.
At least, that’s what happened to me.
I spent so long trapped in fight, flight, or freeze that I assumed I was inherently lazy. Unmotivated. Broken. Chronically ill.
I thought that was simply who I was.
But once I started turning around and facing the tiger instead of running from it, things slowly started changing.
Not overnight.
Not through some magical transformation.
Just through hundreds of tiny choices that slowly added up.
💜 Six Months Later
I am incredibly proud of how far I’ve come in the last six months.
And I’m incredibly proud that I’ve made it six months.
When I quit, I knew it was something I truly wanted. I also knew it was going to be difficult, and I knew there was a chance I might slip up.
So far, I’ve stayed true to myself and to the goals I set.
This past month has been busy in the best way. I’ve traveled, I’ve socialized, I’ve completed another journey around the sun, and I’ve learned a new practice that has been incredibly helpful in my healing journey.
🎂 Another Trip Around the Sun
Last Saturday, I turned 36. Huzzah! This has been the first birthday where I can confidently say I do indeed feel older and wiser.
I’ve spent the last year actively diving deep into self-healing, figuring out who I am and, just as importantly, who I am not.
I’ve been expanding my awareness, focusing on living with intention, and learning how to truly care for myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Looking back at where I was a year ago and everything that has happened over the last twelve months, I am just so incredibly proud of myself.
🌊 Amelia Island & Nervous System Reset
To celebrate my birthday, Heath and I went to Amelia Island on the east coast of Florida last weekend, and honestly? It was exactly what my mind, body, and spirit needed.
The slower pace. The abundant sunshine. Eating great food. Enjoying tasty mocktails. Swimming in the ocean. Walking as much as we could. Every part of the trip felt like a little love letter to myself.
My nervous system feels like it has had a full reset, and I am so deeply grateful for that.
I find myself able to be much more present lately, much more consistently. And I owe a lot of that recent progress to my newest practice: Reiki.
✨ Becoming Reiki Certified
Last month, I signed up for an online course to become certified as a Level 1 Reiki Practitioner with a focus on self-healing. Yesterday, I completed and submitted my coursework and received my certificate.
When I saw the certificate arrive in my inbox, I immediately started crying tears of pride and excitement. It felt overwhelming in the best possible way because this was something I chose to do for myself. Something I felt deeply called toward. And I followed through with it.
Completing it feels like a huge victory.
🌀 What Reiki Has Been Teaching Me
Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned about how energy and intention can be used to support healing within the body. I’ve learned about the chakras and how imbalances within them can correspond to both physical and emotional symptoms.
More importantly, though, I’ve learned to approach healing with curiosity rather than expectation, compassion rather than judgment, and trust rather than doubt.
One thing that really stood out to me during my studies was learning that curiosity activates the parasympathetic nervous system, our “rest and digest” state, while judgment activates the sympathetic nervous system, our “fight or flight” response.
That realization alone shifted something in me.
But more than anything else, Reiki has reminded me that I am far more powerful than I have ever given myself credit for.
🎧 The Science of Reiki
My teacher recently released a brand-new podcast all about the science of Reiki, and if you’re curious to learn more, you can check out episode one here:
🌿 Reiki in Everyday Life
I’ve started incorporating Reiki into my daily life through both full-length healing sessions that last around fifteen to thirty minutes and quick grounding moments that take two minutes or less.
I’ve been learning to reach for Reiki during moments when I feel overwhelmed or triggered. Pairing deep breaths with Reiki principles has become an incredibly grounding practice for me, whether I recite them silently in my head or out loud.
✨ The Five Reiki Principles
Just for today, I will not anger
Just for today, I will not worry
Just for today, I will be grateful
Just for today, I will do my work honestly, no matter what it is
Just for today, I will be kind to myself and to others
My teacher suggested simplifying them even further by changing the beginning of each principle to “Just for this breath…” and honestly? That tiny shift has been a complete game-changer for me.
I now find myself taking deep breaths and thinking, “Just for this breath, I will not worry,” multiple times a day.
It has helped keep me calm through everything from navigating airport security and crowded spaces to handling overwhelming social situations and even nearly being run off the road by a negligent driver.
Every time I reach for Reiki, it creates a moment to pause and check in with myself. A moment to consciously choose how I want to respond instead of reacting instinctively.
🌙 The Changes I’ve Been Noticing
Since starting Reiki, I’ve been falling asleep more easily and sleeping better overall. I’ve been able to stay present much more consistently. I’ve been slowing down and actually listening to what my mind and body need in each moment.
I’ve been speaking up for myself more confidently. Trusting myself more deeply. Feeling more authentic, more peaceful, and more grounded with every passing day and every new practice, whether it lasts thirty minutes or thirty seconds.
🔮 What Comes Next
I plan to continue my Reiki studies and complete Reiki Level 2 in the fall, and I feel incredibly proud of myself for listening to my intuition and investing in myself throughout this journey.
With Reiki Level 1 training, I can focus primarily on healing myself and the space around me. I’ve been channeling Reiki not only into my body, but also into my water, food, plants, skincare, and yes, even my dogs.
Once I complete Reiki Level 2, I’ll also be able to help support the healing of others, potentially even on a professional level someday, and that possibility feels really exciting to me.
💜 Closing Thoughts
So far, 36 is off to a really beautiful start.
I can’t wait to see what the rest of this year has in store for me. I can’t wait to continue growing, healing, and becoming even more authentic and powerful by the time 37 rolls around.
And honestly? That feels pretty magical.
Thank you for being here! I am so grateful for all of you!
Lately I’ve been leaning on a few different tools in my toolkit, and I wanted to share a little bit about what’s been helping me.
None of these are miracle cures, but together they feel like a steady, supportive rhythm that keeps bringing me back to myself.
🌿 Vibration Plate
About two months ago, I purchased a vibration plate after my therapist recommended it might be beneficial for me. I’ve been using it pretty regularly since it arrived, and I have to say, it has very quickly become one of my favorite things.
A lot of people use them for exercise, but that’s not really how I’m using mine.
I mainly use it to support lymphatic movement and emotional regulation. Over time, I’ve also noticed other benefits like less muscle soreness after yoga, improved posture, and reduced tension in my back, shoulders, and neck. Overall, I just feel better when I’m consistent with it.
There were a few weeks when I was deep in my depression that I didn’t use it, and I could absolutely feel its absence. When I finally got back on it, I noticed the shift almost immediately. It felt like I was coming back into my body.
Lately, I’ve been incorporating it into my morning routine alongside oil pulling. I try to stay off my phone during those 10 to 15 minutes and just be present. Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I stand in silence. It really depends on the day.
I try to use it in the evenings too, either after yoga or before I start winding down for bed. I haven’t been as consistent with that yet, but it’s something I’m working toward.
I don’t do anything fancy with it. I pretty much just stand there while it does its thing. Sometimes I shift my weight around to see how it affects the vibrations running through my body, sometimes I will do a squat or two, or some gentle stretches to open up my chest. But for the most part, I just stand there and breathe and take that time to really come back to my body and calm my mind.
🔮 Tarot
I’ve had a tarot deck for a few years, but over the past six months it has become a daily practice.
I don’t use tarot to predict the future. I use it to connect with my intuition.
Every day, I shuffle my deck three times, hold it to my heart, and ask, “What message do I need to know the most right now?” Then I pull a single card.
I use The Tarot Companion by Liz Dean as a guide to help interpret the cards. The meanings are broad, which is actually what makes them so useful. They give me a starting point to notice what is coming up in my own mind and heart.
Most days I stick to one card, but sometimes I pull a few more if I feel like I need deeper insight or clarity.
Occasionally, I’ll ask more specific questions like what I need to understand about a person or whether a decision feels aligned.
Again, I’m not treating the cards like some all knowing force. I’m using them as a mirror.
Sometimes they bring awareness to stress I didn’t even realize I was carrying. Sometimes they help me uncover emotions I’ve been bottling. Sometimes they gently redirect my focus. And sometimes they shine a light on truths I’ve been avoiding.
No matter what, each reading is an opportunity to get to know myself better. It’s a practice of getting quiet and actually listening to what my inner voice is trying to say.
🌬️ Wim Hof Breathing Technique
The more I learn about healing and regulating my nervous system, the more I realize how powerful the breath really is.
I’ve seen firsthand how a few deep belly breaths can interrupt a panic spiral. I’ve used 4 7 8 breathing to calm my mind at night. I’ve felt how syncing breath with movement can pull me out of my head and back into my body.
Recently, I added the Wim Hof breathing technique to my routine.
Wim Hof, also known as “The Iceman,” is known for his work with cold exposure and breathwork, and he credits much of his ability to his breathing method.
Here’s a video to explain the breathing technique itself and then one to guide you through a beginner session:
Much like my vibration plate sessions, this breathing practice brings me fully into my body. Afterward, I feel lighter, calmer, and more grounded.
Lately I’ve been doing it before bed, and it helps me relax and fall asleep more easily. You can really do it anytime, just make sure you’re sitting or lying down somewhere safe and comfortable.
🧠 Brain Support Supplement
When I first started focusing on my physical health, I incorporated several supplements to support specific needs. Most of them are from the brand Just Ingredients.
One of those was their “Brain Support” supplement, which I started taking to help with my ADHD symptoms.
I took it consistently for about two months, alongside my improved nutrition and other healing practices. When I ran out, I decided not to reorder because I felt like I was doing well and thought I could manage without it.
About two weeks later, I noticed a shift.
My focus started slipping. I was reaching for my phone constantly, struggling to stay on task, and having a harder time finishing things. Around that same time, I also felt my depression starting to creep back in.
After reflecting, I realized the biggest change I had made was stopping the supplement. So I reordered it.
I’ve been back on it for about two weeks now, and I feel a noticeable difference. My focus has improved, my mood feels lighter, and my brain feels a lot less chaotic.
I know my mental health is influenced by many factors, and this isn’t the only thing at play. But I do believe this supplement is an important piece of my toolkit. It helps support my baseline so I can show up for everything else.
🌱 A Gentle Reminder
None of these tools are magic fixes. They’re not instant transformations.
They’re building blocks.
Small, consistent supports that help me feel more grounded, more regulated, and more like myself.
And just to say it clearly, I am not a medical professional and I am not recommending anything here as advice. I’m simply sharing what has been working for me.
💜 Closing Thoughts
I am really excited to be writing again and sharing in this space.
I’m glad I gave myself the time I needed to recalibrate, and I’m just as glad to be back.
Thank you for being here with me as I continue on this journey. I am so grateful for you.
It’s been a while since my last post. The past month or so brought a wave of depression that knocked me off my footing for a bit. I lost my rhythm for a while, but I am starting to come back to myself and I finally feel ready to return to this space and share again.
🌊 The Rhythm of Healing
At the start of the year, I was in a season of expansion.
I was making meaningful progress in therapy, showing up to yoga twice a week, and really stepping into my independence and personal power.
And then, like clockwork, contraction arrived.
Even though I know contraction is natural, necessary, and part of the deal when it comes to healing, it was still hard to accept while I was in it. I knew it would pass. I knew it was temporary. But that didn’t make it any less difficult.
🖤 Feeling It All
Something I’ve noticed since starting this healing journey is that my awareness has expanded significantly. And with that expanded awareness came deeper, more intense emotional experiences.
I am no longer numbing out or turning away from the hard feelings. I am actually feeling them. And this time around, it hit harder because of that.
It knocked me on my ass for a bit, if I’m being honest.
The upside is that I now have more tools than ever before. I was able to move through it faster than I ever have in the past, and that feels like real progress.
🧠 When the Past Comes Knocking
Here’s what I think really happened.
As I worked on healing my present self, I created space. And that space invited past versions of me to come forward and finally be heard.
And they were not subtle about it.
At the time those experiences originally happened, I didn’t have the capacity to fully process them. So I avoided, suppressed, numbed, and buried them. Drugs, alcohol, distraction, all of it.
But those emotions do not just disappear. They wait. And when it is finally safe enough, they rise.
So as I stepped out of burnout and into healing, everything I had buried came back up to the surface.
Honestly, it felt like an emotional zombie apocalypse.
My bestie, Ryann, sent me this video a few weeks ago, and it helped me understand what was happening in a way that really clicked. I shared it with Heath too, and he found it helpful.
Here it is in case it resonates with you as well:
🧘♀️ Showing Up Anyway
Even though this past month was heavy, I still showed up for myself in the ways that mattered most.
Even on the days I wasn’t feeling it, I made it to yoga. I kept my back to back classes, one hour of hot vinyasa followed by one hour of restorative.
I kept every therapy appointment.
I kept every chiropractic appointment.
And most importantly, I stayed sober, even when things felt the heaviest. It has been 147 days since my last drink, 158 days since I last smoked, and I am incredibly proud of myself for that.
That matters more than anything.
Of course, not everything stayed perfectly on track. My sleep schedule has been all over the place again, staying up late and sleeping in. And naturally, my eating schedule has followed suit.
As I come out of this fog, getting my sleep and nutrition back into alignment feels like my biggest priority.
🌸 Gentle Rebuilding
I am also being very intentional about how I approach this next phase.
I know by now that being hard on myself does not work. Being critical does not create sustainable change. It just creates more resistance.
So I am choosing softness.
I am choosing patience.
I am choosing to trust the process.
I will get back to my ideal routines. Maybe not overnight, maybe not even this week. But little by little, I will get there.
🔔 Moments That Shifted Something
Last weekend, Heath and I went to a sound bath at my yoga studio, and it was incredible.
Neither of us had ever done one before, and we both left feeling lighter, both physically and energetically.
Heath has been dealing with a shoulder injury for over a year, and afterward he had more range of motion and less pain than he has had in a long time. He went in skeptical and came out a believer.
For me, it felt like the clouds started to part. I went in feeling heavy and disconnected, and I walked out feeling more present, more grounded, and more like myself.
Then Wednesday came.
I had my yearly oncology check up, and I am so happy to say that all of my bloodwork came back healthy and I am still cancer free. 🤍
I will go back in December for another scan, but for now, I am in the clear.
Heath took the day off to come with me, and we ended up spending the whole day together. We had brunch, went to the chiropractor, drove around listening to music, and he even came with me to restorative yoga that evening.
Something about that day felt like a turning point. The sound bath cleared the fog, and Wednesday felt like the beginning of rebuilding.
✨ Stepping Into Something New
This week, I also started a six week online Reiki course, and I am so excited about it.
For anyone unfamiliar, Reiki is a Japanese energy healing practice that supports the body’s natural healing processes, reduces stress, and promotes relaxation and overall wellbeing.
It is something I have been curious about for a long time, and I finally felt ready to say yes to it.
I am really proud of myself for investing in my healing in this way.
🌱 Moving Forward
Right now, I feel more like myself again. I feel hopeful. I feel grounded. I feel ready to expand again.
And I also know that contraction will come back at some point. That is just part of the rhythm.
But I trust myself more now. I trust that I can move through it with more awareness, more compassion, and more resilience each time.
This cycle was hard, but I handled it better than I ever have before.
I did not run from it.
I did not numb it.
I sat with it. I felt it. I honored it.
And now, I am ready for what comes next.
💜 A Little Reminder
Healing is not linear. It never has been.
There will be highs and lows, expansions and contractions, clarity and confusion. That is all part of the journey.
Be gentle with yourself. Trust yourself. You will make it through.
I love you all. Thank you for being here with me, and thank you for your patience while I took a step back.
Remember when you were a kid learning how to ride a bike? It was a struggle at first. You could understand the concepts of what to do, it just took some practice to learn how to actually do it. There was a lot of frustration at first.
But then… it just clicked. Remember that feeling? The feeling you got the first time when you pedaled by yourself and actually stayed up and balanced? In that moment, you probably thought, “Holy cow, I’m doing it! I’m actually doing it!”
Well, that’s kind of how I am feeling these days. And I have to tell you, it’s pretty amazing.
✨ The “Wait… I’m Actually Doing It” Moments
I keep having these little moments when I realize that I’m pretty consistently making different, better decisions. I’m making choices that work for me instead of against me. And every time I realize it, I think to myself “holy shit, I’m doing it! I’m actually doing it!”
Because I am. I’m actually doing it. I am getting better. I am creating a life that feels good. And I am so proud of myself.
🌿 Learning What Works for Me
I used to live my life based on what other people said and did. I was constantly comparing my life to others and I rarely ever gave myself the opportunity to learn what worked for me personally. Spoiler alert, forcing it never worked out well.
When I started this journey, I decided that one of my biggest goals was going to be finding what worked for ME, regardless of what other people might think about it. And it has not been easy, but it has SO been worth it.
I am learning to really tune into my body and listen to what it tells me. I am also learning to give myself a whole lot of grace if I end up having to change my plans or expectations based on how I am feeling at any given moment. I am also learning that circumstances change and I can adapt to those changes as they come if I just cut myself some slack.
🩸 Friday’s Lesson: Rest Over Rigid Plans
For example, last week I had planned to go to yoga Friday morning. I had it written in my planner, I had signed up in the app, I was ready to go. But then I ended up starting my period a few days early on Thursday which brought forth a dilemma. Should I still go? I said I was going, I told myself I was going, I just started this new routine, I didn’t want to let myself down.
But also, the thought of getting up early and going to the studio to be around other people and then doing a pretty intense workout on day 2 of my period sounded downright horrible. I spent some time reflecting on it and eventually decided that I would wait and see how I felt that morning and let my body tell me what it felt up to.
Surprising absolutely no one, Friday morning I woke up and my body told me it needed rest and gentle movement instead of a full hot yoga vinyasa session. So I logged into the app, cancelled my booking, and then went back to sleep for a little bit.
I kind of expected to be disappointed in myself for not following through with my plan. I expected the inner critic to pipe up and say “of course you didn’t go, you never follow through with things, you’re so lazy.” But instead, I actually felt genuinely proud of myself. I listened to what my body told me it needed, and then I provided it. And then I felt better. What a concept!
I spent the rest of the day being very gentle with myself. I got up and showered and did some gentle at home yoga. I tidied up around the house a little bit and just took things really slow. Once again, I expected to hear quite a bit from my inner critic, but she kept pretty quiet for most of the day, and it was pretty incredible.
🛁 Weekend Wintering & Small Joys
I spent the weekend fully resting and taking care of myself. I slept in, I read a good bit, I did some slow, gentle yoga, I went to go see the new Baz Luhrmann Elvis movie, EPiC (Elvis Presley in Concert), I went to Aldi for the first time, and I treated myself to some Waffle House.
I am pretty focused on my nutrition these days, but I am also allowing myself some balance. I would say about 80% of the food I eat is healthy and nutritious. But I do not restrict myself from treats or guilty pleasures when the urge arises. I happened to find myself near a Waffle House around dinner time, so I took the opportunity and ran with it and I regret nothing.
Sunday, Heath and I spent a majority of the day on the couch and it was delightful. I think we both really needed a no pressure, do nothing day. Again, I expected my inner critic to speak up and tell me I should be doing something productive, but she stayed pretty quiet. I let myself enjoy the day and it absolutely paid off.
I trusted that I needed to rest. And I trusted that allowing myself to fully rest would result in more energy later that I could use to take care of the chores around the house when I was feeling up to it. And that is exactly how it played out.
🧹 Monday Momentum
On Monday, I woke up feeling a lot more refreshed and ready to take on the day than I expected. I got up, got dressed and ready for the day, and then headed to the chiropractor. Then I came home and worked on cleaning up the house for most of the afternoon. My energy stayed pretty consistent throughout the day too, which I was grateful for.
🔥🧘♀️ A New Yoga Routine (That Actually Works)
Because I was feeling so much better, mentally and physically, on Monday evening I decided to try doing two yoga classes back to back, a hot vinyasa class followed by a warm restorative class. I was a little nervous because I didn’t really know what to expect. I have done both of the classes before, just not back to back.
I figured it would either be the best idea ever or I would absolutely hate it. I also figured I would find out pretty quickly one way or the other. I told myself that I would never know unless I tried, so I tried and thankfully it was a success!
Going forward I think that will be my new routine for Mondays and Wednesdays.
When I first signed up for my monthly membership, my plan was to do a restorative class on Monday and Wednesday evenings and then do my hot vinyasa class on Friday mornings, but now that I know how good my body feels after doing the two classes back to back, I am going to stick to evening practices and stop trying to force a morning class.
I had told myself that doing a morning class would get me up and moving and it would turn me into a morning person. I realize now that I was comparing myself to others. But then I noticed what was happening in my body when I would think about going to the morning class, and I realized that I was trying to force it.
I quickly understood that ultimately I was trying to change myself for no other reason than “it’s what the world says is the right thing to do.” So I stopped myself, I cut that shit out, and now I am really excited about my new Monday and Wednesday night routine.
⛈️ Grace in Real Time
Today being Wednesday, the plan was to go back to yoga and do back to back classes again tonight, but the weather is looking like it’s going to get a little sassy. Out of an abundance of caution, I decided to skip this evening’s classes and instead do a practice at home.
As much as I want to be back in the studio and devoting 2 uninterrupted hours to taking care of my body and spirit, I really have no interest in being out on the roads during a hail storm.
Again, I am giving myself some grace. Yes, I am a little disappointed that I am not going to yoga tonight. But I also know that it is the safest call and I am proud of myself for listening to my instincts.
I can always go to tomorrow evening’s class if the weather is in better shape. The whole point of going to these classes is to take care of myself and make myself feel good. Being worried about my safety getting there and back is not something that will contribute to my overall wellbeing.
🚲 Learning to Regain My Balance
I am learning to go with the flow and adjust my plans as needed, and it’s feeling really good. I didn’t realize just how rigid I had been with myself before, how much I would beat myself up if circumstances changed and I needed to adjust accordingly.
I would instinctively and incessantly beat myself up for things I had no control over and it was absolutely exhausting. Now I am learning to only worry about what I can control, what is actually right in front of me.
I am letting my focus be on gently and compassionately taking care of myself instead of forcing myself because of some abstract rule my inner critic created in my head.
Much like riding a bike, I also know that this is not something I will just suddenly forget how to do. Now that I have learned how to prioritize making decisions like this, learned how to listen to what my body is telling me, I know that even when I have bad days, even when I wobble a bit, I will still be able to regain my balance and prioritize what I need in each moment.
🌙 Quiet Progress, Big Pride
I am feeling really proud of myself these days and it’s just exciting. It’s not loud or extravagant or glamorous. It’s a quiet kind of exciting that tells me I am on the right track, that I am slowly but surely creating the life I have always dreamed of.
I am actually doing it and it’s a pretty incredible feeling.
Thank you all for following along with me as I continue to learn and adjust and discover new paths to happiness. I am so grateful for your company on this journey!
I was in my car headed to the yoga studio, listening to some 60s hits, singing and vibing along, feeling very cute in my new matching yoga leggings and crop top set, and genuinely excited to arrive at my destination and attend my first restorative yoga class.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, it hit me. I was doing something that younger versions of me could have only dreamed of. And not only was I just doing it, I was doing it without having to completely psyche myself up for it. And until that moment, I didn’t realize just how huge that was for me. But once I did, it felt like I was flooded with an inner bright light, some sort of a total energy vibration.
🌿 Slow Growth, Big Realizations
One of the main themes of this journey so far has been going slow and creating manageable growth, and as a result, I hadn’t really appreciated just how far I have come recently. When I did, I was flooded with a sense of pride and excitement.
I just couldn’t get over how impressed I was with myself that I was going to this class at all, not to mention going by myself. I just decided that I wanted to start going to yoga classes, and I started going. I didn’t wait until I could find someone to go with me, I just started going on my own. That level of independence is pretty huge for me.
And it’s been building slowly in the background, so slowly that I didn’t even realize it until I stopped and looked around and noticed where I was.
And I gotta tell you, it feels pretty freaking good.
🎯 The Goals I Set (And Actually Reached)
When I first started therapy in November, my therapist asked me what some of my goals were. Two of them were be more independent and feel more confident overall. Today I can say with great pride that in the last 3 months I have made some incredible progress on both of those.
I know for certain that I only got here because I took a lot of small steps. If I had tried to make this huge change overnight, I would have sent myself into a full on panic. I know this because I have tried many, many times. And it never ever worked out. So this time, I went slow and I focused on improving just 1% at a time. Sometimes, on the harder days, I would be satisfied with even just half a percent.
And guess what? It absolutely worked.
🔎 Zooming Out & Seeing The Big Picture
Since my epiphany Monday night, I have been focusing more on zooming out and seeing more of the big picture, letting myself really appreciate how far I’ve come. And I now know I have made a lot more progress than I was giving myself credit for before.
Overall, my anxiety is significantly less than it has ever been. And I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I am being consistently nicer to myself in my head. Not just nice, but supportive and encouraging even.
The amount of times I tell myself “good job!” in a day now is staggering. Before this journey, that wasn’t even a part of my internal vocabulary. All I ever did was criticize myself, but shifting my perspective and simply bringing awareness to my inner monologues has made a huge difference over time.
Slowly but surely I transitioned from constantly judging myself to curiously observing myself. And it absolutely changed the game.
🧠 Presence = Better Memory (Who Knew?)
I’ve also noticed that my memory has improved. I used to walk into rooms and have no idea why I walked in them, but that hasn’t happened in quite a while.
Also, pretty consistently I would come up with some sort of a question in my mind, and then think “I’m going to look that up,” and then by the time I pulled up Google I would have forgotten what I was going to google. It was happening daily, like multiple times a day. But now, it doesn’t seem to be a problem anymore.
I am a lot more present and focused on what is right in front of me, and less likely to be thinking about 12 different things all at once.
🕯️ The Power of Intention & Mindfulness
I have learned that intention and mindfulness have been incredibly significant in this journey and my progress thus far. I am actively focusing on paying attention to what I am doing in each moment, no matter what it is.
If I am brushing my teeth, I am doing my best to give all of my focus to brushing my teeth in that moment. If I am resting, I am doing my best to give all of my attention to my restful activity, whatever that may be. If I am working on a blog post, I am focusing all of my attention on writing instead of letting my brain tell me all the other things I could or should be doing.
And that shift has been monumental in the overall big picture.
💜 A Version of Me I’m Proud Of
It has been a little over 3 months since I started therapy and I can very happily report that I am genuinely more independent and feeling more confident than I did when I started. I look at the woman I am now and I am just so proud.
Look at me, going to yoga classes on my own, investing in tools that will help me take better care of myself without guilt, taking myself out on little dates fairly frequently, celebrating all my little wins, and genuinely being intentionally kind to myself.
And it’s all possible because I didn’t force any of it. I slowed down, and gave myself permission and space to let go of the pressure and just exist without any expectations. I started learning how to trust myself and how to trust that everything happens right on time.
✨ Exactly Where I’m Meant To Be
This evening I am going back for my second restorative class and I am so excited for it. As I was finishing up the rest of this post, I got a message from the owner of the studio thanking me for signing up for my monthly membership and asking me how I was liking it and if I had any questions.
I already knew that this was the absolute right thing for me to be doing in the right place, but this just solidified it even more.
I am so grateful for all the little steps I have taken, on the good days and the harder ones, to get me where I am today. I feel so confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this exact moment in life.
Thank you for being here and for following along on this journey with me! I am so grateful that I get to share all of this with you, one step at a time.
It has been quite a while since I last posted, and it feels weird but very good to be back.
I decided to step away because when I was writing my last post, I was really struggling with the whole process. I had a hard time coming up with what I wanted to say, and ultimately I was beating myself up because I felt like I didn’t have a whole lot of meaningful wisdom to impart. I was putting a heck of a lot of pressure on myself, more than I even realized at the time. So, after some reflection, I decided to take a little break without any real plan of how long that break would be. I just knew intuitively that it was what I needed to do.
🌿 Trusting My Timing (And Myself)
A lot of what I have been working on in therapy is trusting myself and my instincts, learning how to listen to what my body and my nervous system need in each moment. I’m also working on honoring the process and not rushing.
Each time I have made a big step forward, like getting sober or taking a break from social media, I have said to my therapist, “I wish I had done it so much sooner!” And each time she stops me and says, “No, you weren’t ready before. You did it when you were ready.” And you know what? She’s right! If I had tried to get sober before I was ready, it would not have stuck. Same with social media. So when I took a step away from the blog, I knew I had to listen to myself and trust that I would know when I was ready to come back. And, hey guess what, it worked!
I trusted my instincts, I trusted that I would post again when I felt ready, and I trusted that I would know when I felt ready again without forcing it. I am really grateful that I listened to those instincts because as I sit here writing this post I feel a lot more centered and way less pressured. I am genuinely excited to be writing again. Sure, I’m a little nervous, and a little rusty, but still excited.
🧠 Letting Go of the Pressure
At first when I stepped away, I was admittedly beating myself up pretty badly pretty consistently. I kept telling myself I needed to go ahead and post again because it had already been so long and I just needed to get it together and come up with something to write about. And the more I tried to push myself, the further and further I stayed away from my keyboard.
So I took some time to reflect on that and then decided to try something different. I decided that I would just let myself let it go for a while. I gave myself permission to release the pressure and be authentic and trust myself. If for whatever reason, I never ended up posting again, so be it. If I came up with something I wanted to write about, I knew I would feel it strongly and it wouldn’t feel forced. I trusted myself, and it took some time, but now here we are, back to writing and feeling good about it! HUZZAH!
🚢 The Cruise, The Balcony, And The Inner Critic
I’ve spent most of my time away continuing to focus on wintering, but there have also been some notable events worth sharing. First, Heath and I went on a cruise. It was a great time, and I am so glad we went. But I have to admit, during the actual vacation, I was being pretty mean to myself.
All I wanted to do was sit on our balcony and read and look out at the water and listen to the waves and just be quiet and still. And that is what I did for the most part. But I was also simultaneously telling myself that I should be making the most out of the trip, that we should be going on excursions at every port and participating in all the on board activities and going to all the shows each night. I told myself that by staying in the room and on the balcony for the majority of the time, I was wasting the trip, even though deep down I knew I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.
I knew I was honoring what my body and nervous system needed, but at the same time I was criticizing myself for it. I was able to recognize what was happening, and I actively worked on being present and trying to ignore my inner critic, but honestly, it was a struggle.
Even when we got back to Fort Worth, I was having a hard time with it all. I was feeling guilty that I didn’t do more, I was feeling guilty that I was so happy to be home. Truth be told, it took me almost a week to get myself back.
Now that I have had some time to reflect, I am proud of myself for not forcing myself to do any of the things I told myself I “should” have been doing. I’m glad I did exactly what I wanted to do, even though I mentally struggled with it at the time. I know I would have been a lot worse off if I had ignored what my body and my nervous system were telling me and tried to force things I didn’t feel up to, that didn’t feel authentic. I trusted myself and I did what I felt up to, regardless of what it might look like to other people. It was a struggle, but I did it and I feel good about it.
🦷 Facing The Dentist (Finally)
When we got back, I went to the dentist for the first time in many, many years. It’s something I had been putting off over and over because honestly I just wasn’t ready to tackle that tiger yet.
For some context, when I am struggling with my mental health, personal care, specifically brushing my teeth, is usually the first thing to get tossed out the window. I’m not really sure why it is, but when I am feeling really rotten, the last thing I want to do is something to take care of myself, to do something responsible. If I didn’t have to go anywhere or interact with anyone, I just didn’t care about it. Gross, I know. But its true.
Also, my drinking and smoking directly affected things as well. Most nights, I would be too buzzed to think about taking care of myself in that way, or feeling too lazy to get up and do it. I am not proud of it, but its the truth. I just didn’t care, it was never a priority. For years and years.
So, ultimately, I had convinced myself that I had forever ruined my teeth because of that. I convinced myself that because it had been so long, there was going to be an enormous amount of work to be done, that I’d probably have to have root canals done on all of my teeth or that I’d lose them all and would need implants or something like that, even though I was not experiencing any pain or could detect any real issues on my own. I just told myself it would be horrible, so I put it off for years and years.
But then, I started this self healing adventure, and somewhere deep within me I knew that the dentist would eventually be a part of it. Not right off the bat obviously, but eventually. I started with other things first, like regulating my nervous system through chiropractic care, getting sober, and starting therapy.
Then, at the beginning of January, I decided I was ready. All of the sudden, I just felt ready. I’m not really sure exactly what changed, I just know that the thought of the dentist didn’t seem quite so scary, it seemed like something that I could actually handle now. I felt ready.
📞 The Phone Call Win
Once I had this realization, I immediately got online and found a holistic dentist near me. I did my research and made sure it was going to be a good fit, then I called and got an appointment scheduled. I’d like to take a quick moment to point out that in itself is a pretty big deal for me. For whatever reason, I have a good amount of anxiety about calling strangers on the phone. I always have, as long as I can remember. I’m not sure why, but its a pretty strong fear.
For some reason though, I didn’t feel so anxious to make this call. To be honest, I was kind of excited actually. I knew that I would feel really accomplished and proud of myself once I had made the call and scheduled the appointment, and somehow that overshadowed all possibilities of anxiety prior to the call. I didn’t even hesitate, I just dialed the number. It felt really odd but also really good.
✅ The Results (Not Nearly As Bad As I Feared)
My first appointment was just x-rays and scans to see what was going on, inside and out. Shockingly, even though it had been almost 10 years since my last dental appointment, the prognosis was not nearly as bad as I had built up in my head. In terms of work to be done, I only needed a deep cleaning and 2 fillings. Not sure how that is possible, but I will absolutely take it.
I also learned that I have some gum recession and some teeny tiny stress fractures in my teeth that are the result of constantly clenching my jaw… which, to be honest, not so shocking. I have known that constantly clenching my jaw is an issue, but I had no idea it could cause these kinds of things. So now, I am overly focused on my jaw and constantly telling myself “release, stop clenching!” And I think I am making some good progress. Simply bringing consistent awareness to it has been a game changer.
Other than that, everything else looked pretty good, and that was such a relief! They did all of the necessary work over two appointments, starting with deep cleaning the right side of my mouth and completing one filling, and then they tackled the left side and the other filling a week later. They numbed me up thoroughly for both appointments, so they were significantly less uncomfortable than I had anticipated. Overall, the whole process was dare I say easy and painless.
🙋♀️ Advocating For Myself
When they were doing my left side, I was a little more sensitive than I had been on the right side. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that old Bailz would have just sucked it up and endured the pain because she would not have wanted to burden the dentist and ask for more numbing shots. But thanks to all of the work I have been dedicating myself to recently, I am no longer old Bailz!
So as soon as I realized that this side felt significantly different, I raised my hand immediately and spoke up for what I needed. And guess what? They were more than happy to handle it. No one judged me or laughed at me or told me I was asking for too much. They actually thanked me for speaking up. Imagine that!
Once I was thoroughly numbed, the rest of the procedure was easy peasy and I had the added bonus of feeling victorious for advocating for myself. It’s a little thing, but these are the little wins that add up over time and are creating a whole new version of myself. So I am doing my best to celebrate each and every little win as they come because I know its important.
🪥 A New Nonnegotiable Routine
After all the work was done, my dentist walked me through a personalized oral health care routine to keep up with at home and I am honestly really enjoying it. It has become a nonnegotiable part of my morning and evening routines, whether I am going to be interacting with people or not.
It has shifted from feeling like a hassle to becoming something I am doing for myself because I see the value in taking care of myself. The more I do them, the more I enjoy the little things I do to show myself love, to support my health, and to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking care of, time after time.
And the more I am keeping up with it, I am learning that the more I show up for myself, the easier it gets to keep doing so.
🔥 Hot Yoga: A Plot Twist
Last week, my chiropractor posted about a hot yoga Galentine’s Day event they were hosting at a local yoga studio. I had never tried hot yoga before, but I do love yoga itself. I practice at home, almost daily, and after 3 years of practicing off and on, recently I had been toying with the idea of finding a studio where I could take classes in person instead of only relying on YouTube. When I saw my chiropractor’s post, I knew immediately that this felt like the perfect opportunity to dip my toe in the hot yoga pool.
Without letting myself overthink it, I bought my ticket and added it to my calendar. I really wasn’t sure what to expect. I had no clue if I would be able to keep up or if I could handle the heat, but I also knew that I would never find out if I never tried. So I packed up my mat, filled up my water bottle, and decided to give it my all and see what happened. I showed up, nervous but excited.
You guys, I am OBSESSED with hot yoga now. That class unlocked something within me. Normally, getting sweaty gives me the absolute ick, but somehow this hits different. I don’t understand why or how, but I actually enjoyed the aspect of sweating in this scenario. It was like I could feel the toxins and negative energy leaving my body in real time. It was truly wild.
Also, not gonna lie, I was so impressed with how much I was able to do. I realize now that in my years of at home practice, I had not given myself nearly enough credit for my yogi skills. I had been telling myself that because I was just doing videos at home by myself that somehow it didn’t really count. But I don’t think that anymore. I know that I am absolutely a yogi and I am leaning so far into it now.
The studio where the event was held offers a free first class (the event didn’t count), so I signed up in the app and booked myself for a 60 minute Vinyasa class this past Friday morning. To be honest, it was a little more difficult than the Galentine’s event, BUT I still held my own and confirmed that I really want this to become part of my wellness journey.
Yesterday, I signed up for a month unlimited membership and I am booked to go back Monday evening for a restorative class. I am thinking of starting with going twice a week. One restorative class and one Vinyasa class and see how my body handles that.
🧘♀️ The Mat Upgrade
I also ordered myself a new cork yoga mat with a natural rubber backing, specifically made for hot yoga. I did this for a few reasons. First of all, the one I have now is pretty old and kind of falling apart. Winston and Wrigley like to “help me” practice at home and their claws do no favors to the mat.
I also learned very quickly during my first two classes that my current mat gets slippery AF by the end of class and that just seems unnecessarily dangerous. Additionally, I now know that it’s made of toxic chemicals and forever plastics, which I didn’t know too much about when I first ordered it. Now I know a lot more, and I knew that when I replaced my mat it would be with something that was good for both me and the earth. So that is exactly what I did.
🌱 Owning My “Health & Wellness Girlie” Era
I am really leaning into my health and wellness journey these days and it feels really good. Six months ago, if you had asked me if I considered myself a “health and wellness girlie,” I would have shuddered with imposter syndrome and said, “absolutely not!” I would have gotten so caught up with comparing myself to all the Instagram influencers, assuming they know and do more than me and therefore what I know and do doesn’t count.
But today I can proudly tell you that hell yes I am a health and wellness girlie! I am a yogi and I prioritize my nutrition and health and wellbeing, and that is all that matters. I am not letting myself negate my interests and focuses and hobbies through comparison. And that feels like a really significant shift. I am really proud of myself and the progress I have made on this journey.
I know that there will always be someone out there who knows more and does more, and I also know that that has nothing to do with me. I am on my own journey and it can look like whatever I want it to look like. And right now, it looks like cutting myself a lot of slack when I am struggling, taking extra care of my personal care routines, and sweating up a storm on a non-toxic yoga mat twice a week.
Thank you for being here with me as I continue on this journey! I am grateful for each and everyone of you!
I’ve taken a bit of a break from updating the blog recently. Life has been a little busier than usual, and when I have had downtime, I’ve been intentionally using it to rest, relax, and stay away from screens as much as possible. Taking a break from social media has been a deeply positive shift in my routine and has helped me move from a performative mindset into a much more present one.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve started paying closer attention to the things I tell myself, and I’m learning to approach those thoughts with curiosity instead of judgment.
🔄 Unlearning “I Can’t”
Recently, I noticed something surprising: I tell myself “I can’t” far more often than I ever realized.
As I sink deeper into this wintering season and slow down enough to really notice, I’m learning that so many of the “rules” we live by are completely made up. And if everything is made up… then I get to make up my own rules for my life.
Some of the ones I’ve been unconsciously following:
I can’t wear that shirt with those pants
I can’t shower before I’ve done my yoga for the day
I can’t read fiction before nonfiction
I can’t take myself out for coffee
I can’t start a week long yoga series midweek
So I made a new rule:
If it makes me happy and doesn’t harm anyone else, I’m doing it.
I’m dressing for comfort. I’m doing things when I feel called to them. I’m listening to my intuition. And wow… it feels incredible. Taking better care of myself has actually made it easier to handle the harder, less fun parts of life too.
💬 A Question for You
What’s a “rule” you’ve realized you’ve been following that doesn’t actually serve you?
🛂 Big #Adulting Energy
This past week brought some serious adulting moments. Heath and I are heading on a cruise next weekend, and last week I woke up in the middle of the night realizing I needed to renew my passport. Panic followed. Guilt followed. Negative self-talk followed.
But instead of spiraling, I slowed down. I breathed. I let the emotions move through my body. Then I tackled the problem step by step. I found a passport expediting service, shipped my documents the next day, and my new passport arrived today.
I’m pretty dang proud of myself. Old me would have avoided the situation entirely. This time, I faced it head-on.
And yes… seeing my married name on my passport still makes my heart flutter. 💜
🚗 A Granbury Adventure & Breaking Another Rule
I also updated my driver’s license this week. The Fort Worth DMV was booked months out, so I snagged a quicker appointment in Granbury and turned it into a solo adventure day.
Granbury is about an hour drive from Fort Worth, so before I got on the road I treated myself to an iced coffee and a kolache for the drive. I put on some tunes and began my journey.
I arrived about and hour and a half before my scheduled appointment, so I spent that time wandering around the town square, perusing the shelves of the local bookstore, and just enjoying the day.
After my DMV appointment was completed, I almost left town because the restaurant I was planning to go to for a midafternoon snack was closed until 5pm. I told myself, “I can’t stay that long.” I started to make my way back to Fort Worth. Then, as I was driving over the lake and leaving the town, I caught myself.
I turned my car around, and went to the public beach on Lake Granbury and had the whole place to myself. It was absolutely serene. I journaled, meditated, soaked up the sun, and enjoyed the quiet. Later, I went to the restaurant I was planning to go to earlier and had dinner and a delicious mocktail, and then drove home during a stunning Texas sunset.
I almost missed all of that because of a rule that wasn’t real.
❄️ Winter Is Here (And I’m Ready)
Texas has officially decided it’s winter, and we’re gearing up for a snowstorm. I stocked up on essentials, cleaned the house, and now I’m fully prepared to hibernate.
While I’m proud of all the recent adulting I’ve done, I’m very ready to get back to slowing down and wintering like it’s my job.
📚 Books, Rituals & Simple Joys
I’ve been rereading the Throne of Glass series and savoring it this time around. When I read it for the first time last year, I was absolutely rushing through it like it was a race. I also didn’t end up finishing it. I put the last book in the series down when I was about half way though. So to start it over from the beginning and really immerse myself in the world feels really good.
I’m also deeply loving my new nighttime routine:
Bedtime yoga with Yoga With Adriene
Oil pulling with coconut oil
Gratitude journaling
Legs-up-the-wall stretch for 15+ minutes
It all came together pretty naturally, and it feels aligned. I am gently winding my system down each night, unhurried, unscheduled, but fully present, and I am really enjoying it. Gratitude is a core value of mine, and including gratitude journaling in my routine each night helps me highlight and return to it daily.
🎶 Pirate Radio, Sobriety & Reclaiming My Power
Another thing that brought me joy this week was rewatching one of my favorite movies, Pirate Radio. It never fails to put a smile on my face. Quoting along, singing along, laughing along, I enjoyed every minute of it. Because I have been listening to so much 60s music recently, the film has been on my mind quite a bit over the last few weeks. So I finally sat down and hit play and I am so grateful that I did. The last few times I have watched it over the past few years, I have undoubtedly been also scrolling on my phone and not giving it 100% of my attention. But that was not the case with this viewing and it felt so good.
Giving up social media has been one of the best things I have done for myself since I started this journey. I’d honestly put it up there with getting sober. It’s had that much of an impact on my life. I honestly may not go back to it in February. And if I do, I will not be downloading the apps back onto my phone. I simply don’t need it at my fingertips at any point in time.
Speaking of sobriety, I am almost at the 2 month mark since my last drink and I couldn’t not be happier. I really didn’t realize how much alcohol was affecting me until I removed it completely. Now that I know how much of a detriment it is to my health and my happiness, I simply cannot imagine willingly having a drink ever again. It just isn’t worth it to me. My health and happiness are far more important to me than having a drink. They are doing some good work in the world of mocktails these days, and I am perfectly happy to have one of those as a little treat every now and then and be able to feel good the next day.
🌱 Closing Thoughts
I am feeling a lot better a lot more consistently these days and I am really proud of myself for all of the work I have been doing to get myself to where I am. Sometimes the work doesn’t look like work. Sometimes it looks like sleeping when I am tired, doing things just for fun, or journaling about all the things I am thankful for. Just because it doesn’t look or feel like work doesn’t make it any less effective. Slowly but surely I am regulating my nervous system, finding myself, and reclaiming my power. And it feels freaking good.
Thank you all for being here as I go through this journey. I appreciate all of your love and support!
Yesterday marked four months of Bailz has a Blog, which honestly feels a little surreal. Part of me feels like I just started, and part of me feels like I’ve been doing this much longer than four months. Both parts of me are incredibly proud.
After spending so much of my life living in fear, it feels really amazing to be sharing my life, my journey, my thoughts, my feelings, and my experiences with all of you lovely people. Creating this space has easily been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I started scared… and I kept showing up. And here we are. 💜
🐾 Remembering Chelsea
Yesterday was also Chelsea’s Gotcha Day. We lost her in September, and while we know it was the right decision and we’re grateful she’s no longer in pain, it was still a hard day.
I miss her smile and her sass. She was truly one of a kind. 🤍
❄️ Deep in Wintering
I’m still very much in my wintering phase, and I’m honestly enjoying it more than I ever expected. I’m hibernating. I’m cocooning. I’m resting, healing, and honoring the process to the best of my ability.
Each day, I feel a little more calm — and that realization alone has been huge. I’m starting to feel present in my body and in my life in a way I don’t think I ever have consistently before.
For most of my life, rest came with criticism. Wanting rest came with shame. Enjoyment came with a warning not to get used to it. Quiet moments felt wasted. My mind was always racing, multitasking, performing, trying to impress — and I was never fully in any moment.
Now I see how deeply that hurt me.
These days, quiet moments are the goal. 🤍
📖 Reading Slowly, On Purpose
I’m still working my way through The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and I’m intentionally taking my time with it. Throughout the book, Tolle includes small pause symbols, encouraging the reader to stop, become still, and really experience what’s just been read before moving on.
That practice has been exactly what I needed.
Before starting this book, I had already noticed how much I rushed through everything I read. I knew it was a problem, but I didn’t really know how to fix it. These built-in pauses have been helping me learn how to slow down and absorb instead of sprinting to the next page. I’m also really enjoying the question-and-answer format — it feels approachable and grounding.
More than anything, the book has helped me realize how much priority I’ve always given to thinking and analyzing — and how much pain, stress, and anxiety that ultimately caused me. The more I take my thoughts as absolute truth, the more power I give away.
So now, I’m practicing being what Tolle calls “the watcher” of my thoughts and emotions, rather than letting them become my identity. It’s a slow practice, but one that’s already changing so much for me.
🩺 Signs of Real Progress
On Monday, I had my third set of progress scans with the chiropractor, and the results were honestly incredible. Comparing my original scans from October to my current ones, I can hardly believe how much progress I’ve made in such a short amount of time.
Because of that improvement, I’ve been cleared to reduce my visits from three times a week to two times a week. Going forward, I’ll be going on Mondays and Thursdays, and we’ll reassess in a month.
It’s a bittersweet feeling. I’m incredibly grateful for the healing — releasing tension and trauma from my body has been life-changing. But I’m also a little sad about the routine change. That office has become a home away from home, and even on my hardest days, I’ve looked forward to being there.
Today is the first Wednesday I haven’t gone, and it feels… weird. Like I’m forgetting something. But I also know this change is a sign of growth — and that matters.
(And yes, I am very excited to go tomorrow. 😅)
🧘♀️ Listening to My Body
Overall, my body feels so much better. I’m holding far less tension, my stress levels are lower than they’ve ever been, my neck and shoulders feel better, and I’m sleeping more deeply.
The one area still holding tightness is my hips, so I’ve been using yoga to focus on hip and lower back opening. I can already feel the difference — physically and emotionally. I feel more fluid and less rigid, and that shift has been really powerful.
🛁 A Little Extra Care
Today, I leaned into some extra self-care, and I’m feeling deeply relaxed.
I started with yoga — some focused on hip opening, some restorative and meditative. Then I made a DIY face mask with plain Greek yogurt and raw honey, soaked in a bath with a Flewd bath soak, scrubbed head to toe with a Dead Sea salt scrub, shaved my legs, and moisturized thoroughly.
I feel pampered, calm, and really proud of myself for taking care of my body and my nervous system. ✨
🌱 Simple, Not Easy
This part of my journey may not look glamorous or exciting — but that doesn’t make it any less important. Slowing down and being present sounds simple, but it’s not easy. It’s taken weeks for it to feel less strange.
I’m not perfect at it. It’s a practice. But I’m getting better every day — and that feels pretty amazing.
I hope you can take a few moments to slow down today too. Check in with yourself. Be present where you are. I promise, it’s worth it.
Thank you for being here. I’m so incredibly grateful for you. 💜
The beginning of 2026 has been slow, beautiful, intentional, and mindful so far — and I intend to keep it that way as much as I possibly can. I’m slowly but surely getting better at letting go of the pressure to perform and instead just exist in the moment.
I’m giving myself permission to just be, and I’ve gotta tell you… it’s pretty amazing.
📵 Life Without Social Media (So Far)
Ditching social media is going very well so far. I’d be lying if I said there haven’t been moments where I’ve instinctively wanted to reach for it — because there absolutely have been — but overall, I’ve felt a pretty significant sense of relief in its absence.
One thing I didn’t fully realize before is how obligated I felt to always be available to others simply because social media is always available. It wasn’t a conscious thought, but it was there in the background, quietly telling me I was letting people down if I wasn’t reachable.
And wow… that was deeply exhausting.
Honestly, I expected this transition to be much harder — going from frequent social media use to none at all — but it’s been easier than anticipated. And that alone tells me it’s the right choice. My nervous system is benefiting in noticeable ways: I’m sleeping better, feeling less daily anxiety, and staying far more present.
I’m also realizing how much I was being triggered by constant external input without even noticing it. Now, my triggers are mostly tied to my own lived experiences, which makes them far more manageable to address. Eliminating social media also eliminated the constant comparison spiral — and that has been a total game changer.
📓 A New Relationship with Planning
In preparation for 2026, I bought myself a cute new planner — but instead of forcing myself to use it the way I think I’m “supposed to,” I’m trying something new.
In years past, I’d buy a planner convinced this would be the year I magically became a hyper-organized, color-coded, Type A human. I’d try to plan every detail in advance, then beat myself up for everything I didn’t complete. And every year, I’d end up feeling like I had failed yet again — not because planners don’t work, but because I was trying to use them in a way that never worked for me.
This year, I’ve changed my approach.
Instead of only planning ahead, I’m primarily using my planner as a tracker — writing things down after they happen. I note when I practice piano, journal, do yoga, nap, or read. Even if it’s just a few minutes, it counts. Writing it down gives me a genuine sense of accomplishment, and I love being able to see my patterns without having to keep track of them all in my head.
I’m also logging various tasks and projects I complete — like decluttering our closet today and turning it back into a functional space. It’s not perfect, but it’s so much better, and writing it down once I was done felt incredibly validating.
I didn’t realize how much mental energy I was spending just trying to remember everything I was doing. Recording it externally has freed up so much brain space — and I didn’t even know how badly I needed that until now.
✍️ Letting Go of Perfection
In the past, I also put an absurd amount of pressure on my planner needing to be perfect. Perfect handwriting. Perfect colors. Perfect layout. Even though I was the only one who would ever see it.
If I didn’t have the “right” pen, I wouldn’t write anything. If my handwriting looked off, I’d criticize myself. If I misspelled something and crossed it out, I’d spiral like I had ruined the entire thing.
It was exhausting — and it’s no wonder my planners always ended up shoved in a drawer.
This year, I’m doing things differently. I’m using a simple black ballpoint pen. No perfection required. I’ve told myself I can add color later if I want — but I don’t have to. None of it is necessary. The planner exists to support me, not challenge me.
And shockingly? I’m actually enjoying it.
If at any point this tool stops serving me and starts becoming a struggle, I’ll let it go — without calling it a failure. Right now, it’s helping me logistically, mentally, and emotionally, and that’s what matters.
📚 Reading for Wisdom, Not Just Knowledge
I’m reading a few books right now, and each one is bringing me joy in a different way. I’m also working on slowing down and truly absorbing what I read instead of rushing through it. My current fiction read is The Authenticity Project by Clare Pooley. My current nonfiction reads are The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and The Path of Greatness: The Game of Life and How to Play It and Other Essential Works by Florence Scovel Shinn.
This week in therapy, my therapist and I talked about the difference between knowledge and wisdom, and it kind of rocked my world. I realized I’d been devouring information without giving myself time to let it marinate — to see how (or if) I wanted to integrate it into my life.
No wonder I burned out on self-help.
Now, I’m reading fiction at night to help wind down, and keeping nonfiction for the daytime. That simple shift has made a huge difference. I’m taking my time, reading a few pages at once, then pausing to reflect. It finally feels like I’m gaining wisdom instead of just collecting information.
And it feels really, really good.
❄️ Settling Deeper into Wintering
I’m still very much enjoying this season of wintering, and I feel like I’m finally getting into its rhythm. The critical voice telling me to do more, go faster, push through, and ignore my body’s signals is getting quieter.
She’s still there — but I’m no longer mistaking her for absolute truth.
I’m learning to notice those thoughts, acknowledge them, and let them pass instead of gripping them tightly. There was a time when I couldn’t separate my thoughts from my identity at all. Now I am slowly but surely getting better and better at it. And that shift has been incredibly freeing.
🌱 A Gentle Conclusion
As I sit with all of this, one thing feels very clear: I’m no longer interested in systems, habits, or expectations that make my life harder than it needs to be. I’m actively choosing ease. I’m choosing tools and rhythms that support me instead of shame me. I’m choosing curiosity over criticism — again and again.
This season isn’t about doing more or becoming someone else. It’s about making space for who I already am, and allowing my life to feel lighter, kinder, and more honest as I move forward.
And honestly? That feels like the most sustainable kind of growth there is.
💬 A Question for You
Have you noticed any habits, systems, or expectations in your own life that feel heavier than they need to be? What might it look like to soften them — even just a little?
Thank you for being here with me on this journey. Stay tuned for more as I continue to grow through what I’m going through.
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