🌿 Expansion & Contraction

Hey, hi, hello! Happy Friday!

It’s been a while since my last post. The past month or so brought a wave of depression that knocked me off my footing for a bit. I lost my rhythm for a while, but I am starting to come back to myself and I finally feel ready to return to this space and share again.

🌊 The Rhythm of Healing

At the start of the year, I was in a season of expansion.

I was making meaningful progress in therapy, showing up to yoga twice a week, and really stepping into my independence and personal power.

And then, like clockwork, contraction arrived.

Even though I know contraction is natural, necessary, and part of the deal when it comes to healing, it was still hard to accept while I was in it. I knew it would pass. I knew it was temporary. But that didn’t make it any less difficult.

🖤 Feeling It All

Something I’ve noticed since starting this healing journey is that my awareness has expanded significantly. And with that expanded awareness came deeper, more intense emotional experiences.

I am no longer numbing out or turning away from the hard feelings. I am actually feeling them. And this time around, it hit harder because of that.

It knocked me on my ass for a bit, if I’m being honest.

The upside is that I now have more tools than ever before. I was able to move through it faster than I ever have in the past, and that feels like real progress.

🧠 When the Past Comes Knocking

Here’s what I think really happened.

As I worked on healing my present self, I created space. And that space invited past versions of me to come forward and finally be heard.

And they were not subtle about it.

At the time those experiences originally happened, I didn’t have the capacity to fully process them. So I avoided, suppressed, numbed, and buried them. Drugs, alcohol, distraction, all of it.

But those emotions do not just disappear. They wait. And when it is finally safe enough, they rise.

So as I stepped out of burnout and into healing, everything I had buried came back up to the surface.

Honestly, it felt like an emotional zombie apocalypse.

My bestie, Ryann, sent me this video a few weeks ago, and it helped me understand what was happening in a way that really clicked. I shared it with Heath too, and he found it helpful.

Here it is in case it resonates with you as well:

🧘‍♀️ Showing Up Anyway

Even though this past month was heavy, I still showed up for myself in the ways that mattered most.

Even on the days I wasn’t feeling it, I made it to yoga. I kept my back to back classes, one hour of hot vinyasa followed by one hour of restorative.

I kept every therapy appointment.

I kept every chiropractic appointment.

And most importantly, I stayed sober, even when things felt the heaviest. It has been 147 days since my last drink, 158 days since I last smoked, and I am incredibly proud of myself for that.

That matters more than anything.

Of course, not everything stayed perfectly on track. My sleep schedule has been all over the place again, staying up late and sleeping in. And naturally, my eating schedule has followed suit.

As I come out of this fog, getting my sleep and nutrition back into alignment feels like my biggest priority.

🌸 Gentle Rebuilding

I am also being very intentional about how I approach this next phase.

I know by now that being hard on myself does not work. Being critical does not create sustainable change. It just creates more resistance.

So I am choosing softness.

I am choosing patience.

I am choosing to trust the process.

I will get back to my ideal routines. Maybe not overnight, maybe not even this week. But little by little, I will get there.

🔔 Moments That Shifted Something

Last weekend, Heath and I went to a sound bath at my yoga studio, and it was incredible.

Neither of us had ever done one before, and we both left feeling lighter, both physically and energetically.

Heath has been dealing with a shoulder injury for over a year, and afterward he had more range of motion and less pain than he has had in a long time. He went in skeptical and came out a believer.

For me, it felt like the clouds started to part. I went in feeling heavy and disconnected, and I walked out feeling more present, more grounded, and more like myself.

Then Wednesday came.

I had my yearly oncology check up, and I am so happy to say that all of my bloodwork came back healthy and I am still cancer free. 🤍

I will go back in December for another scan, but for now, I am in the clear.

Heath took the day off to come with me, and we ended up spending the whole day together. We had brunch, went to the chiropractor, drove around listening to music, and he even came with me to restorative yoga that evening.

Something about that day felt like a turning point. The sound bath cleared the fog, and Wednesday felt like the beginning of rebuilding.

✨ Stepping Into Something New

This week, I also started a six week online Reiki course, and I am so excited about it.

For anyone unfamiliar, Reiki is a Japanese energy healing practice that supports the body’s natural healing processes, reduces stress, and promotes relaxation and overall wellbeing.

It is something I have been curious about for a long time, and I finally felt ready to say yes to it.

I am really proud of myself for investing in my healing in this way.

🌱 Moving Forward

Right now, I feel more like myself again. I feel hopeful. I feel grounded. I feel ready to expand again.

And I also know that contraction will come back at some point. That is just part of the rhythm.

But I trust myself more now. I trust that I can move through it with more awareness, more compassion, and more resilience each time.

This cycle was hard, but I handled it better than I ever have before.

I did not run from it.

I did not numb it.

I sat with it. I felt it. I honored it.

And now, I am ready for what comes next.

💜 A Little Reminder

Healing is not linear. It never has been.

There will be highs and lows, expansions and contractions, clarity and confusion. That is all part of the journey.

Be gentle with yourself. Trust yourself. You will make it through.

I love you all. Thank you for being here with me, and thank you for your patience while I took a step back.

I am really excited to be writing again.

Love always,
Bailz 💜