Bailz Has a Blog

Tag: burnout recovery

  • 🌅 Morning Pages, Affirmations, and the Art of Showing Up (Even When You Don’t Want To)

    🌅 Morning Pages, Affirmations, and the Art of Showing Up (Even When You Don’t Want To)

    I’m currently on week two of working through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, and I’m really enjoying the process so far. The biggest change I’ve incorporated is what Cameron calls morning pages — and let me tell you, they’ve been transformative.

    Every morning, as soon as I wake up, I sit at the kitchen table and write three full pages, longhand, in pure stream-of-consciousness style. I put the date and time at the top of the first page and just let it flow.

    Some mornings start with:

    • “I’m pissed off today because I’m so tired and annoyed with my night sweats.”
    • “I just feel angry today.”
    • “I don’t know what to write, I don’t know what to write,” — repeated for half a page until something new bubbles up, and off I go.

    Not always, but usually, by the time I reach the end of my third page, I feel lighter. Still tired, yes — but no longer radiating rage. After those three pages, I fill one more page (front and back) with affirmations inspired by a Mel Robbins podcast I recently watched:

    🎧 8 Things to Say to Yourself Every Morning to Change Your Life

    💬 The Affirmations I Write Each Day:

    • Today is going to be a great day.
    • Something cool is going to happen to me today.
    • No matter what happens today, I can handle it.
    • An exciting new chapter is beginning.
    • I need to give myself more credit for how hard I’m trying.
    • I am allowed to be a work in progress.
    • If I keep showing up, life will reward me.
    • I have something important to contribute to the world.

    Once I finish my three pages, I repeat those eight affirmations four times, which fills a front and back page perfectly. And when I’m done? I usually feel capable — sometimes even motivated enough to hop on the walk pad or roll out the yoga mat almost immediately without really having to talk myself into it. Considering how I often start these pages with “I’m so freaking angry right now,” that feels pretty miraculous.

    🌞 The Power of Showing Up

    There have been several mornings where I’ve wanted to skip the pages — to tell myself, “I’ll do them later.” But they’re not called whenever-you-want pages. They’re called morning pages. So I’ve stuck with them, and I’m honestly proud of that.

    This morning, though, was a real test.

    I was asleep by midnight with my alarm set for 8:00 AM so I could be up in time for my chiropractor appointment. But around 4:45, I woke up drenched in sweat — again. I changed clothes, moved to the guest room, and lay there for an hour before I fell back asleep. When I finally did, I had nightmares until Winston barked just before my alarm went off.

    I was furious when I got up. Bone-tired and frustrated. But I still sat down and wrote. The pages were messy, cranky, and full of complaints — but that’s the point. The act of writing helps me let go. I’d rather vent to the page than carry it in my chest all day.

    💫 Affirmations, Adjustments, and Exhaustion

    When I finished my pages, I tried to bargain with myself about skipping affirmations. “I’m tired. I have my appointment soon. I’ll do them later.” But I caught myself — that’s exactly when I need them most. So I did them anyway. I wrote fast, a little sloppy, but I still did them. And that counts.

    After that, I went to my chiropractic appointment. Dr. Lauren said she got everything adjusted that she wanted to today, which is great news. I’m a little sore, especially in my hips and neck, but that’s expected — my muscles are adjusting to the bones being where they’re supposed to be again.

    I wish I could say that put me in a great mood, but honestly, my sleep deprivation is catching up with me. I am so tired. I can’t remember the last time I woke up dry, or rested, or without dread in my chest. When that’s your normal, it wears you down.

    Heath and I have been doing a ton of research to figure out what’s causing it. I’ve adjusted my diet, started supplements, drastically reduced alcohol, added protein before bed, hydrated more, and focused on nervous system regulation. I’m doing everything right — and nothing’s working yet. It’s defeating. But I’m still hopeful that as my body continues to rebalance through chiropractic care and all the other work I’m doing, relief will come.

    When I got home from my appointment, I crawled back into bed for a nap. I woke up sweaty and cranky again, but I’m trying to stay patient. I know things will get better eventually. I have to believe that. Otherwise, I’ll lose my mind.

    For now, I’m just taking it one page, one stretch, one affirmation at a time.

    💜
    Love always,
    Bailz

    ✨ If you’re on your own healing or creative journey, I hope this reminds you that showing up for yourself doesn’t have to be perfect — it just has to be consistent. Every word, every stretch, every act of care counts. You’re doing better than you think. 💜

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  • 🌙 Showing Up Scared (Again)

    🌙 Showing Up Scared (Again)

    I find myself in a weird space today. On one hand, I’m feeling better than I have all week—more like myself, less like someone who needs to make herself small for the comfort of others. On the other hand, I’m feeling emotionally conflicted.

    💬 Speaking My Truth

    Before I go any further, I have a confession: I’ve been keeping some of my emotional pain to myself. My inner critic has been whispering that sharing any of it would be “airing dirty laundry” or “slinging mud.” But I’m realizing that talking about what I’ve lived through isn’t gossip—it’s honesty. And this blog was never meant to be a highlight reel. It’s about authenticity. So, here we go.

    🌧 Two Years of Distance

    About two years ago, I made the incredibly difficult decision to create distance between myself and my mom and sister. The years leading up to that point were full of me begging to be seen, heard, and understood—and coming up empty. I was repeatedly told I was “too sensitive,” that I needed to toughen up, that my feelings were exaggerated. Eventually, I couldn’t keep doing it. I wrote a long message explaining how I felt, and then I stepped back.

    Since then, there have been opportunities for conversation, for accountability, for healing—but none have gone the way I’d hoped. The response has always been some version of, “You’re too sensitive,” or, “You owe us the apology.” That used to devastate me. Now, I see it for what it is: a reflection of where they are in their own process, not a measure of my worth.

    Creating that distance broke my heart. But it also saved me. It gave me room to start figuring out who I am outside of the family roles I used to play. I stopped living in constant self-doubt and started learning how to protect my peace instead of sacrificing it for harmony that wasn’t real.

    🔥 Choosing Growth Over Smallness

    The easy thing would have been to slide back into my old patterns—the people-pleasing, the self-silencing, the shrinking. And I won’t lie, it’s crossed my mind more times than I can count. But this time, I’m choosing differently. I’m choosing to do the hard thing: to build a life that’s mine. To uphold my boundaries. To protect my peace. To discover who I am, not who I needed to be to keep everyone else comfortable.

    The past two years have been heavy—grief mixed with anxiety, depression, and a lot of questioning myself. There are still moments where I think, “Maybe I am too sensitive.” But then I look back at what actually happened, and I remember: sensitivity isn’t a flaw. It’s my radar. It’s how I survived—and how I’m learning to thrive.

    🍽 Dinner and Discomfort

    When my dad reached out about having dinner last night, I said yes—hesitantly, but yes. All day yesterday I was a bundle of anxiety and anger. I nearly cancelled. I didn’t want to be triggered or spiral backwards. But I also wanted to see my dad. So I decided to prepare myself the best way I know how: through intentional self-care.

    I walked on the walk pad. I did yoga. I soaked in a Flewd anxiety-easing bath (this one, if you’re curious). I took a shower and put on an outfit that made me feel confident and grounded. I was still anxious, but underneath it, there was something new—trust in myself. Trust that no matter how dinner went, I could handle it differently this time.

    And you know what? It went… okay. It was even, dare I say, fun. But that’s where the emotional conflict comes in. I’m relieved we had a nice time, but that doesn’t mean everything is fixed. Most of the conversation was light, surface-level. And while it felt good to laugh, there’s still a part of me waiting for the other shoe to drop. One good evening doesn’t rebuild trust. It’s a start, not a solution.

    🕯 Where I Am Now

    So that’s where I am today: in between emotions. Hopeful but cautious. Tired but proud. Grateful but guarded. And that’s okay. I don’t have to have it all figured out. My only job right now is to keep listening to my intuition, being gentle with myself, and making choices that feel aligned with who I am in this exact moment—not past Bailz, not future Bailz, just right-now Bailz.

    Today, that looks like walking again. Eating a protein-heavy meal. Sitting down to write this even though it scares the absolute shit out of me. Because I know I’d regret staying silent more than I’ll ever regret being honest.

    I’m showing up scared—again—because I know in my gut that it’s the right thing to do.

    Love always,
    Bailz 💜

    PS – 🌿 If you’re walking through something similar — learning to set boundaries, navigating family pain, or just figuring out how to take up space again — I hope my story reminds you that you’re not alone. Healing isn’t linear, but it is possible. One honest moment at a time. 💜

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  • 🌀 A Spine-Tingling Update (Literally)

    🌀 A Spine-Tingling Update (Literally)

    Well, I had my follow-up with the chiropractor this afternoon, and MAN is my spine jacked up, y’all! My hips are rotated in ways they should not be, my mid-back is all kinds of tight, and I have some scoliosis in the top part of my spine and neck. Seeing the scans and X-rays definitely got me in my feels.

    I knew it was bad—bad enough to seek help—but I didn’t think it was that bad. Still, after hearing Dr. Lauren explain everything, it all makes sense. A lot of the things I’ve struggled with can be symptoms of a misaligned spine: difficulty sleeping, depression, focus and memory issues, anxiety and stress, allergies and congestion, even ADHD. Crazy, right?

    🌿 The Plan

    We’ve created a 90-day treatment plan, and I’ll be going three days a week for adjustments. Every 30 days, we’ll redo the scans to track progress and fine-tune as needed. I got my first adjustment today—my first in a long time—and oh my goodness, it felt amazing. Especially my neck! It was all kinds of snap, crackle, and pop. She told me to expect some emotional release afterward… and she wasn’t kidding. I cried almost my entire drive home. It felt like a dam finally breaking.

    🧘‍♀️ Movement & Mindfulness

    Before my appointment, I did a short Yoga with Adriene practice to center myself and stretch out. After I got home from my appointment, I hopped on the walk pad—but I changed up my approach. Instead of my usual 45 minutes, I walked for 20 minutes at a slow, steady pace. I wanted to move my body gently today, and that’s exactly what I did.

    Now, as I’m writing this, I’m feeling sore and tired, so the rest of my day is all about gentleness and rest. My plan? Cozy clothes, dogs on the couch, and a good book or two.

    📚 My Healing Companions

    I’m currently reading The Artist’s Way, How to Do the Work, and The Body Keeps the Score—a powerhouse trio for healing the mind, body, and spirit.

    💤 The Ongoing Battle with Sleep

    I’m still really struggling with sleep. Falling asleep feels impossible some nights, and when I finally do, I wake up drenched in sweat—like full wardrobe-change, move-to-another-spot-on-the-bed levels of sweat. It’s exhausting, and I know my lack of rest is affecting everything else. I’m hopeful that with continued chiropractic care and the other work I’m doing, I’ll start seeing some improvement soon.

    💜 The Gentle Reminder

    I’m proud of myself for sticking to my goals—but I’m also proud of myself for listening to my body. Yesterday, I wanted to walk and do yoga, but my body said, “Nope, not today.” So instead, I rested and read, and that was the right call. That’s growth, too.

    I’m not at 100% yet, and that’s okay. I’m still in recovery, and healing takes time. I’m learning that giving myself grace is part of the work. I have a plan, a path, and patience—and that’s enough for today.

    As always, thank you for being here. I am so grateful for you. 💜

    Love always,
    Bailz

    ✨ If you’ve been on your own healing journey too, I’d love for you to come along with me. Subscribe below to get new posts straight to your inbox — no algorithms, just authentic connection. 💜

  • 🌿 A New Chapter in Healing

    🌿 A New Chapter in Healing

    Today has been a busy but really good day so far. This morning, I had my first appointment with a holistic chiropractor, and I left feeling lighter — emotionally and energetically. ✨

    The doctor was wonderful. We talked in depth about everything that has been going on in my life recently, including past trauma and how it has manifested in my body over time. She explained all of the scans they were going to run, why they were important, and what kind of change and benefit I can expect once she creates a care plan for me. Her approach was thorough, kind, and validating — and for the first time in a long time, I felt truly seen and hopeful.

    💧 Letting Go of What I’ve Been Carrying

    I won’t lie — I cried in her office. I’ve been holding so much tension and emotional weight for so long, and I just can’t keep doing it. It’s been affecting my well-being, my sleep, and even the way I see myself. Something has to change, and I’m finally taking the steps to make that happen.

    Heath came with me to the appointment, and I think he’s just as excited as I am about this new path. He’s seen firsthand how much all of this has impacted me day to day, and the promise of relief feels like a gift to both of us. 💜

    📚 The Body Keeps the Score

    I brought The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk with me to read while I waited. When my doctor saw it, she lit up — she said she was going to recommend it to me after reading my intake questionnaire! It felt like such a moment of alignment — a little confirmation that I’m on the right track and making the right choices for myself.

    🩸 Gathering More Answers

    After my chiropractic appointment, I went to get some bloodwork done. They’re checking my B12 and vitamin D levels, as well as running a comprehensive female hormone panel to see if that can help explain some of the symptoms I’ve been struggling with. I should have those results in a couple of days, and I’m looking forward to seeing what comes back.

    Tomorrow, I go back to the chiropractor for the results of all my scans and X-rays — and my first adjustment! I’m honestly so excited to get started and to finally have a clear plan of action for my healing. 🌸

    😴 The Ongoing Battle with Sleep

    Even though I’m feeling accomplished today, I’m also completely exhausted — physically, mentally, emotionally. Last night was another rough night of little to no sleep. I’ve been struggling to fall asleep, waking up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night, and often having to change clothes or even switch sleeping spots. I feel like I’m constantly tired, and it makes everything harder.

    Sometimes I manage to go back to sleep later in the morning, but then I end up sleeping into the early afternoon and beating myself up for it — even though one of my main goals has been to rest when I’m tired and rebuild a healthier relationship with rest. I know that’s part of the work, but it’s still hard to practice grace when I feel so drained.

    🧘‍♀️ Movement, Rest, and Balance

    I’m sore from all the yoga I did yesterday, but I’m not skipping today — not for yoga, not for my walk. I’m going to push through… after a nap, of course. 😅 Your girl is TIRED. But I know movement helps, and I want to keep showing up for myself, even if it’s in small ways.

    I’m optimistic about what’s coming — the adjustments, the bloodwork, the personalized care plan — all of it. I feel confident that I’m moving in the right direction and that positive change is on the horizon. For now, though, I’m giving myself permission to rest, recharge, and cuddle up with my pups for some much-needed downtime. 🐾💤

    As always, thank you for being here. I am so grateful for your support, your presence, and your encouragement along this journey. 💜

    Love always, Bailz

    This healing journey is unfolding one step, one breath, one post at a time — and it means so much that you’re here with me. 💜 If you’d like to keep following along, subscribe below to have new posts delivered right to your inbox.

  • 🌿 How to Do the Work (Literally)

    🌿 How to Do the Work (Literally)

    I started reading How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera, and within the first few pages, I knew — this is exactly what I need right now. I’m only about a third of the way through, but it’s already resonating deeply. 💜

    Dr. LePera opens the book by describing what she calls the “dark night of the soul” — that rock-bottom moment when everything in your life feels misaligned and something inside you quietly says, “this can’t be it.” As I read her words, it was like reading my own story. I could feel myself in her descriptions of burnout, dread, brain fog, and emotional exhaustion. I found myself nodding and whispering, “me too.”

    🧘‍♀️ Starting with the Body

    When she said the first step in her healing was focusing on her body — movement and nutrition — I decided to follow her lead. And I’ve really been leaning into it.

    To start, I did a 45-minute Deep Stretch Yoga with Adriene session. It’s one I’ve done before, but it had been a while, and I was pleasantly surprised to notice how much progress I’ve made. I held every pose, stretched deeper than I could before, and finished feeling both grounded and proud. ✨

    After yoga, I hopped on the walk pad for another 45 minutes. I usually keep my pace at 3.0, but today I pushed myself a little — up to 3.4 — and wow, I felt it! It was that perfect mix of loving and hating it at the same time. More sweat, yes (ew), but also more endorphins. Totally worth it.

    🌬️ Walking in Silence

    As of yesterday, I have changed up my walking routine. No TV, no music, no podcasts. Just silence. Just me, my breath, and the rhythm of my steps. And, today, when I took away the distractions, my mind got loud. Without a hilarious Jim-and-Dwight prank to fill the space, old feelings started bubbling up. Anger. Frustration. Resentment from years ago.

    My first instinct was to run — to stop walking, grab a snack, turn on the TV, scroll my phone — anything to numb it out. But instead, I kept walking. I let the anger rise. I let myself feel it fully. I reminded myself that anger is a natural response to crossed boundaries. It’s not something to shame or suppress. So I breathed through it, felt it, and then… it passed. As easily as it came up, it dissolved. I honestly can’t even remember what triggered it now. It’s just gone. 🕊️

    🐾 Energy Flows Both Ways

    After my walk, I hydrated, had a protein shake, and took my vitamins. Then I decided to give both dogs a much-needed bath. Neither was thrilled, but they handled it better than usual — especially Winston. Normally, he’s nervous and strong enough to make bath time a full-body workout for me, but today, he was calmer. Maybe the calmest he has ever been for a bath. I can’t help but think he was mirroring my energy. Because I was calmer, he could be too. 🐶

    💫 Exploring Somatic Work

    I’ve been coming across the term somatic therapy a lot lately, so today I looked into it more. I found a short 7-minute beginner somatic routine on YouTube and followed along, then added Day 1 of a 30-day series for overwhelm. After that, I did a Yoga with Adriene session designed to regulate the nervous system. It was the perfect sequence — movement, breath, calm.

    Afterward, I took a hot shower, shaved my legs after a few weeks of neglecting them, and moisturized head-to-toe with my favorite body oil from Salt Soothers in Guthrie. Their products are magic. ✨ Then I put on my coziest oversized T-shirt, thick socks, and sat down to write this post — feeling clean, calm, and present.

    🌸 Real Progress

    I’ve definitely been on the struggle bus lately — and in denial about it — but today felt like a turning point. I’m starting to bring myself back to center. It feels good to nurture my body again, and I can feel my mind and spirit following along.

    I’m still struggling with sleep, and last night was rough, but I have a feeling that the more I reconnect with my body, the more that will start to heal too. I’m learning that progress doesn’t always look like productivity — sometimes, it looks like gentle consistency.

    Thank you for being here. I’m so grateful for your presence on this journey. 💜

    Love always,
    — Bailz

  • ✨ One Month In: Expanding or Distracting?

    Today marks one month since I officially launched this blog. One month of showing up, writing, sharing, and growing — and of learning a lot about myself along the way. 💜

    When I started, my goal was simple: document the journey honestly. Not just the shiny parts, but the messy, uncertain, vulnerable middle too. And that’s what I’ve tried to do.

    🌙 The Drift I Noticed

    Over the past week, I felt myself quietly shifting away from the heart of this project. I was focusing more on talking about the work than doing the work. I caught myself refreshing notifications instead of reflecting, chasing validation instead of connection. 📱

    At the same time, I’d fallen off my movement routine — fewer walks, less yoga — and my clarity went with it. The fog, the fatigue, the self-doubt crept back in. I know that pattern.

    🌿 The Reset

    So I stepped away for a few days. Fewer screens. More breath. More sunlight. More fetch with the dogs. More gentle movement. I let myself recalibrate. And it helped — I feel clearer, lighter, more like myself again. ☀️🐾

    ✨ What One Month Taught Me

    • Self-discovery isn’t only about expanding; sometimes it’s about contracting and coming home to stillness.
    • Healing doesn’t happen on a screen — the screen can be a doorway, but the work is done in my body, breath, choices, and days. 🫁
    • Movement is medicine. When I move, my mind softens and my spirit returns.
    • Rest isn’t quitting; it’s part of the process. 🌙

    💜 Month Two: My Intention

    I’m going to keep showing up — not for algorithms or approval, but for myself. I’ll stay anchored in my why, let rest count as progress, and do the work even when no one sees it.

    Here’s to one month down, and many more months of showing up — imperfectly, intentionally, and with an open heart. Thank you for being here. You matter more than you know. 🌸

    Love always, Bailz 💜

  • ✨ Learning to Take Up Space

    ✨ Learning to Take Up Space

    I feel like I’m still very much struggling with the concept of taking up space. My inner critic keeps piping up from the back —

    “Who do you think you are? Who cares how you’re feeling right now? Who cares what you’re doing right now? How vain of you to think that people would care about anything you do or say!”

    But I’m doing my best to keep pushing through it — to keep showing up, sharing, and putting myself out there anyway. 💜

    🌿 The Reality of Burnout Recovery

    The burnout recovery process, in the day-to-day scheme of things, isn’t fun or exciting. It’s not glamorous, and it doesn’t always make for riveting updates. But to portray it as anything else would be dishonest — and authenticity is what I’m striving for.

    Sometimes my updates will simply be: “I’m tired, so I’m going to rest.” That’s not laziness. That’s the work. Listening to my body and honoring what it needs instead of forcing productivity because of what my brain says I “should” be doing — that is healing.

    💗 Giving Myself Grace

    This last week has been beautiful, but it’s been a lot. I’ve done big, brave things and I’m proud of myself for each one. But I also know that big steps require recovery time — and I’m learning that I can’t keep doing “big things” without recharging in between. Otherwise, I’ll push myself until my battery runs out, and then I’ll crash into burnout again — tired, resentful, and self-critical. I don’t want to live there anymore.

    So I’m practicing gentleness instead. I’m building in space to breathe. To rest. To just be.

    🛋️ Rest as the Work

    I could have forced myself to write yesterday, but instead, I made rest the priority. I spent the afternoon on the couch watching The Office, snuggling with my dogs, snacking, and just straight chilling — no guilt, no pressure. And you know what? It was exactly what I needed. 🐾

    💅 A Little Act of Rebellion

    Today, I still felt tired, but I had enough energy to do something kind for myself. I went to get my nails done and splurged on the fancy pedicure — the one with all the extras — because I’m learning that I’m worth it, especially when it comes to self-care.

    And for the first time in years, I changed up my polish color. I almost always go for black, but today, I felt drawn to something different — a bold, classic cherry red. 🍒

    It’s funny how something as small as nail polish can feel like a declaration. I stood at the color table, quieted my thoughts, and paid attention to how I felt. I was drawn to the reds, so I picked one without overthinking it. At the last second, my anxious brain tried to talk me out of it — “Just get black like always, be safe, stick with the usual.” But I didn’t listen this time. I trusted my gut. And I’m so glad I did.

    🎯 Present, Not Perfect

    I don’t know if cherry red will be my new signature color or if I’ll go back to black next time. But for right now, I love it. It feels authentic to this version of me — and that’s all that matters.

    This was a small but powerful exercise in being intentional and staying present. I’m not worried about what past Bailz would’ve thought or what future Bailz will think. Today, I just wanted to make current Bailz happy — and I nailed it. (Pun absolutely intended.) 💅😉

    Thank you for being here, I’m honored to have you on this adventure with me!

    Love always, Bailz 💜

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  • ✨ Aaaaaand We’re Back!

    ✨ Aaaaaand We’re Back!

    Today is the first day I’ve genuinely felt like myself in… honestly, I don’t even know how long. Definitely not since starting this blog. I’ve had flickers of my true self here and there—but they’ve been fleeting.

    This morning, I woke up ready. Ready to participate in my life again. Ready to take the reins.

    Now, I know what you might be thinking: It must be because I finally did all those things I said I would yesterday, right?

    Nope. Not even close. I managed to do a yoga video with Heath, but that is it.

    Instead, Heath and I talked. For hours. And not surface-level, small talk—we had an open, vulnerable, honest conversation that I didn’t realize I’d been aching for. I cracked open, and the floodgates came down. I spoke things I didn’t even know I’d been bottling up.

    And because I’m committed to documenting this journey truthfully, I want to share some of what we talked about—with Heath’s blessing, of course.

    💼 Generational Echoes

    Growing up, and honestly even now, my dad has always been a workaholic. And to be fair—he’s brilliant at what he does. His work ethic is unmatched. But it also meant that work almost always came first. Even on vacations or holidays, he’d be on his laptop, answering emails, solving problems.

    He never missed the big things—he was there, camera in hand, documenting every milestone “for posterity.” But day-to-day? He was rarely fully with us.

    I adore my dad. But I missed him a lot growing up. I wanted more time, more attention, more connection.

    And as they say—we often marry a version of our parents.

    Heath is also a workaholic. And just like my dad, he’s phenomenal at what he does. He manages a large team, he cares deeply about people, and he pours his heart into his job. It’s one of the things I love most about him.

    But sometimes, that passion means there’s not much left for anything else at the end of the day. I often get what feels like scraps of his attention, and I convince myself it’s fine. That I’m strong enough. That this is normal.

    But over time, it chipped away at me.

    😔 Loneliness in the Quiet Moments

    What I hadn’t realized until last night is that the loneliness had grown louder than I’d allowed myself to admit. Even when he was sitting right next to me, I missed him.

    I finally said the words I had been afraid to speak for years:

    “I’m scared you work so much because you don’t want to be home with me.”
    “I’m scared that if I left, you’d be fine—maybe even relieved because you would have more time and energy for work.”
    “I feel like I only get the best version of you when you’re away from work—and the rest of the time, I’m just… managing.”

    I let it all out—my fears, my longing, the echoes of my childhood loneliness. I laid it bare, and for the first time, I felt fully seen.

    He didn’t get defensive. He heard me. And that changed everything.

    ☀️ A New Kind of Morning

    No, I wasn’t asleep by 10 PM. It was closer to 3 AM. But I still woke up lighter.

    I let myself sleep in. Then I got up, brushed my teeth, high-fived myself in the mirror (thanks, Mel Robbins), laced up my sneakers, and stepped onto my walk pad. I walked for 45 minutes and watched The Office, comfort food for my soul.

    (Side note: If you haven’t watched the Superfan episodes on Peacock—what are you even doing? It’s like getting bonus time with old friends. I highly, highly recommend them.)

    After walking, I did some stretches, took some slow, deep belly breaths, and actually felt my body again. Not just existing in it—being in it. Sweaty, a little winded, and so very alive.

    🍝 A Simple Kind of Joy

    After walking, stretching, breathing, and then showering, I volunteered as tribute to go grocery shopping. We needed a few things, so I threw on a cute outfit and made a Trader Joe’s trip feel like a mini adventure.

    No overthinking. No dread. Just me, out in the world, present.

    I sang my heart out to The Tortured Poets Department in the car. I chatted with the cashier. I picked up treats for the dogs. I got complimented on my outfit. And the best part? I didn’t feel overwhelmed once.

    That is HUGE for me.

    🌱 Lighter, Not Fixed (Yet)

    I still have goals I’m not quite meeting. I still have healing to do. But today felt like a turning point.

    All because I said the things I was afraid to say.

    I told the truth—not just to Heath, but to myself.

    And in doing so, I put down a weight I didn’t realize I’d been carrying.

    I feel lighter. I feel more like me.

    I’m not all the way back, but I’m on my way.

    And that, my friends, is enough for today. 💜

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  • Worse Than I Thought

    Worse Than I Thought

    Yesterday, I realized that my mental health had been doing much worse this past week than I wanted to admit. I was in supreme denial about how negative my thoughts had become, how loud they were, and how often they showed up. On top of that, I was beating myself up for even having them.

    I tried to just push through — do the things, stay distracted, and hope I’d magically wake up better one day. But on Saturday, I woke up and couldn’t stop crying.

    “What’s the point of any of this? Why am I even trying? I’ll always struggle. I’ll always hate myself a little bit. I’ll always feel like this.”

    That afternoon, I had tickets to the Life of a Showgirl release party movie with a friend. I knew I needed to get up, shower, and get dressed. But I cried through all of it. I didn’t really pull myself together until about 30 minutes before my friend arrived to pick me up. Even then, I wasn’t myself. I was quiet, going through the motions, and just… sad. I’m glad I went and spent time with my friend, but I didn’t appreciate it in the moment as much as I could have.

    🚩 When the Signs Were There

    Looking back, I should have recognized things were bad on Thursday night/early Friday morning, when the brand-new Taylor Swift album came out. Normally, I love Taylor Swift. Her lyrics have been a lifeline for me for years. But this time, I listened to the album out of obligation more than joy. I didn’t feel excited. I didn’t count down the hours until release. I didn’t make a cute outfit for the party or obsessively check Instagram for Easter egg theories. I just… didn’t care.

    At first, I thought maybe I just didn’t like the album. Now I realize: I didn’t like anything that much at the time.

    🖤 Going Dark

    So on Saturday, while crying through getting ready, I put the album on again to prep for the show. Even after listening through twice, the funk lingered. All through the show, all through the afternoon, I felt completely dark.

    Heath had a company picnic that day, so he was gone most of the afternoon. When he got home, I was a shell of myself on the couch watching Gilmore Girls, barely able to look at him. He could see something was wrong. He started asking gentle questions, and then the last one was:

    “Are you going dark?”
    “Yes.”

    “Dark” is our word for when things feel about as bad as they can get. Saying it out loud helped. Heath gave me a hug, snuggled me on the couch, and watched Gilmore Girls with me for the rest of the night — even asking questions about the characters and plot. (I think he might secretly be becoming a fan!)

    Later, I spoke up and said I wanted chips and queso. We ordered Torchy’s delivery. Never underestimate the healing powers of chips and queso. We talked a little bit, and I felt myself come back — just a bit.

    🌤️ Choosing to Come Back

    Today, mentally, I feel better. I’m not “dark” anymore. But emotionally and physically, I’m drained. I slept until noon, and I still feel like I could crawl back into bed. Now that I’ve acknowledged how bad it was, though, it feels like it has less power over me.

    Looking back, I see how quickly I slipped into old patterns: shaming myself, measuring my worth by productivity, “should-ing” all over myself, dwelling on the past, neglecting my self-care habits. I haven’t done a full yoga practice in over a week. I haven’t been on the walk pad. I haven’t been present.

    So today, I’m making myself a promise:

    • 💜 I will get back on track, gently.
    • 🧘‍♀️ I will do yoga.
    • 🚶 I will walk.
    • 🌌 I will check in with the astrology for this week.
    • 📚 I will read something uplifting about happiness.
    • 📵 I will stay off my phone as much as possible.
    • 🌙 I will start curating a nighttime routine that is authentically me — one that helps me wind down and sleep well.

    My goal is to be in bed and asleep by 10 PM every night. I’m a lifelong night owl, and turning my brain off at bedtime is hard. But this is my project now.

    🔁 Healing Isn’t Linear

    Progress, setbacks, and forward movement again — it’s all part of it. I can still bring myself back. But I can’t keep it bottled up. Speaking up matters. Showing up matters.

    Even when it’s hard.
    Even when it’s messy.
    Even when it’s just a post like this.

    Thank you for being here. 💜

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  • The Little Ways I’m Coming Back to Myself

    The Little Ways I’m Coming Back to Myself

    Hello, friends 👋

    Today has been another slow day, but I can feel myself starting to come back to myself. I’ve still got a ways to go, but the fog is lifting bit by bit. And for now, that’s enough.

    It still takes effort—more than I’d like—to truly let go and relax. That voice in the back of my mind is still whispering: “Don’t waste this time! You should be doing more. You’ve rested plenty. Let’s go!”

    But I’m getting better at replying: “Yeah, yeah, I hear you. But I’m going to snuggle up on the couch and enjoy this episode of Gilmore Girls anyway.”

    💗 A Little Help From My Favorite Human

    Heath worked from home today, and honestly, his presence made a huge difference. This afternoon, he surprised me with a little at-home spa setup—he arranged a cozy chair with a back massager, brought out the foot bath, made sure I had snacks, and told me to just relax.

    So I sat. I soaked. I snacked. I let the knots in my back melt a little. I watched TV. I laughed. I cried. I breathed. I was present.

    It wasn’t glamorous, but it was meaningful.

    🛁✨ The Power of Ritual

    Since getting home from Guthrie, I’ve returned to one of my favorite self-care rituals: nightly baths. Every evening, I draw a warm bath and take time to reconnect with myself.

    Lately, I’ve been treating myself to some beautiful bath soaks from Flewd—my current favorite is called “Sads Smashing” (fitting, right?). They’re clean, fragrant, and formulated with emotional and physical well-being in mind.

    I turn on my galaxy light, set a timer for 30 minutes, and listen to something soothing—sometimes Mel Robbins, sometimes an audiobook, sometimes sound frequencies focused on relaxation, chakra healing, or self-love. I hydrate well before, during, and after.

    This little ritual is helping me reestablish trust with myself. It’s saying: “You matter. You’re worth taking care of.” Not just on the good days—but on the hard ones and the quiet, in-between ones too.

    🤍 A Gentle Reminder

    This phase of my life isn’t flashy or exciting. But it is sacred in its own way. I’m learning how to rest. How to let go. How to be soft with myself. And how to believe that small acts of care are more than enough.

    As always, thank you for walking through this journey with me.

    💜 Bailz

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