Bailz Has a Blog

Tag: healing isn’t linear

  • 🧰 Items in My Healing Toolkit

    🧰 Items in My Healing Toolkit

    Hey, hi, hello! Happy Saturday!

    Lately I’ve been leaning on a few different tools in my toolkit, and I wanted to share a little bit about what’s been helping me.

    None of these are miracle cures, but together they feel like a steady, supportive rhythm that keeps bringing me back to myself.

    🌿 Vibration Plate

    About two months ago, I purchased a vibration plate after my therapist recommended it might be beneficial for me. I’ve been using it pretty regularly since it arrived, and I have to say, it has very quickly become one of my favorite things.

    A lot of people use them for exercise, but that’s not really how I’m using mine.

    I mainly use it to support lymphatic movement and emotional regulation. Over time, I’ve also noticed other benefits like less muscle soreness after yoga, improved posture, and reduced tension in my back, shoulders, and neck. Overall, I just feel better when I’m consistent with it.

    There were a few weeks when I was deep in my depression that I didn’t use it, and I could absolutely feel its absence. When I finally got back on it, I noticed the shift almost immediately. It felt like I was coming back into my body.

    Lately, I’ve been incorporating it into my morning routine alongside oil pulling. I try to stay off my phone during those 10 to 15 minutes and just be present. Sometimes I listen to music, sometimes I stand in silence. It really depends on the day.

    I try to use it in the evenings too, either after yoga or before I start winding down for bed. I haven’t been as consistent with that yet, but it’s something I’m working toward.

    I don’t do anything fancy with it. I pretty much just stand there while it does its thing. Sometimes I shift my weight around to see how it affects the vibrations running through my body, sometimes I will do a squat or two, or some gentle stretches to open up my chest. But for the most part, I just stand there and breathe and take that time to really come back to my body and calm my mind.

    🔮 Tarot

    I’ve had a tarot deck for a few years, but over the past six months it has become a daily practice.

    I don’t use tarot to predict the future. I use it to connect with my intuition.

    Every day, I shuffle my deck three times, hold it to my heart, and ask, “What message do I need to know the most right now?” Then I pull a single card.

    I use The Tarot Companion by Liz Dean as a guide to help interpret the cards. The meanings are broad, which is actually what makes them so useful. They give me a starting point to notice what is coming up in my own mind and heart.

    Most days I stick to one card, but sometimes I pull a few more if I feel like I need deeper insight or clarity.

    Occasionally, I’ll ask more specific questions like what I need to understand about a person or whether a decision feels aligned.

    Again, I’m not treating the cards like some all knowing force. I’m using them as a mirror.

    Sometimes they bring awareness to stress I didn’t even realize I was carrying. Sometimes they help me uncover emotions I’ve been bottling. Sometimes they gently redirect my focus. And sometimes they shine a light on truths I’ve been avoiding.

    No matter what, each reading is an opportunity to get to know myself better. It’s a practice of getting quiet and actually listening to what my inner voice is trying to say.

    🌬️ Wim Hof Breathing Technique

    The more I learn about healing and regulating my nervous system, the more I realize how powerful the breath really is.

    I’ve seen firsthand how a few deep belly breaths can interrupt a panic spiral. I’ve used 4 7 8 breathing to calm my mind at night. I’ve felt how syncing breath with movement can pull me out of my head and back into my body.

    Recently, I added the Wim Hof breathing technique to my routine.

    Wim Hof, also known as “The Iceman,” is known for his work with cold exposure and breathwork, and he credits much of his ability to his breathing method.

    Here’s a video to explain the breathing technique itself and then one to guide you through a beginner session:

    Much like my vibration plate sessions, this breathing practice brings me fully into my body. Afterward, I feel lighter, calmer, and more grounded.

    Lately I’ve been doing it before bed, and it helps me relax and fall asleep more easily. You can really do it anytime, just make sure you’re sitting or lying down somewhere safe and comfortable.

    🧠 Brain Support Supplement

    When I first started focusing on my physical health, I incorporated several supplements to support specific needs. Most of them are from the brand Just Ingredients.

    One of those was their “Brain Support” supplement, which I started taking to help with my ADHD symptoms.

    I took it consistently for about two months, alongside my improved nutrition and other healing practices. When I ran out, I decided not to reorder because I felt like I was doing well and thought I could manage without it.

    About two weeks later, I noticed a shift.

    My focus started slipping. I was reaching for my phone constantly, struggling to stay on task, and having a harder time finishing things. Around that same time, I also felt my depression starting to creep back in.

    After reflecting, I realized the biggest change I had made was stopping the supplement. So I reordered it.

    I’ve been back on it for about two weeks now, and I feel a noticeable difference. My focus has improved, my mood feels lighter, and my brain feels a lot less chaotic.

    I know my mental health is influenced by many factors, and this isn’t the only thing at play. But I do believe this supplement is an important piece of my toolkit. It helps support my baseline so I can show up for everything else.

    🌱 A Gentle Reminder

    None of these tools are magic fixes. They’re not instant transformations.

    They’re building blocks.

    Small, consistent supports that help me feel more grounded, more regulated, and more like myself.

    And just to say it clearly, I am not a medical professional and I am not recommending anything here as advice. I’m simply sharing what has been working for me.

    💜 Closing Thoughts

    I am really excited to be writing again and sharing in this space.

    I’m glad I gave myself the time I needed to recalibrate, and I’m just as glad to be back.

    Thank you for being here with me as I continue on this journey. I am so grateful for you.

    Love always,
    Bailz 💜

  • 🌿 Expansion & Contraction

    🌿 Expansion & Contraction

    Hey, hi, hello! Happy Friday!

    It’s been a while since my last post. The past month or so brought a wave of depression that knocked me off my footing for a bit. I lost my rhythm for a while, but I am starting to come back to myself and I finally feel ready to return to this space and share again.

    🌊 The Rhythm of Healing

    At the start of the year, I was in a season of expansion.

    I was making meaningful progress in therapy, showing up to yoga twice a week, and really stepping into my independence and personal power.

    And then, like clockwork, contraction arrived.

    Even though I know contraction is natural, necessary, and part of the deal when it comes to healing, it was still hard to accept while I was in it. I knew it would pass. I knew it was temporary. But that didn’t make it any less difficult.

    🖤 Feeling It All

    Something I’ve noticed since starting this healing journey is that my awareness has expanded significantly. And with that expanded awareness came deeper, more intense emotional experiences.

    I am no longer numbing out or turning away from the hard feelings. I am actually feeling them. And this time around, it hit harder because of that.

    It knocked me on my ass for a bit, if I’m being honest.

    The upside is that I now have more tools than ever before. I was able to move through it faster than I ever have in the past, and that feels like real progress.

    🧠 When the Past Comes Knocking

    Here’s what I think really happened.

    As I worked on healing my present self, I created space. And that space invited past versions of me to come forward and finally be heard.

    And they were not subtle about it.

    At the time those experiences originally happened, I didn’t have the capacity to fully process them. So I avoided, suppressed, numbed, and buried them. Drugs, alcohol, distraction, all of it.

    But those emotions do not just disappear. They wait. And when it is finally safe enough, they rise.

    So as I stepped out of burnout and into healing, everything I had buried came back up to the surface.

    Honestly, it felt like an emotional zombie apocalypse.

    My bestie, Ryann, sent me this video a few weeks ago, and it helped me understand what was happening in a way that really clicked. I shared it with Heath too, and he found it helpful.

    Here it is in case it resonates with you as well:

    🧘‍♀️ Showing Up Anyway

    Even though this past month was heavy, I still showed up for myself in the ways that mattered most.

    Even on the days I wasn’t feeling it, I made it to yoga. I kept my back to back classes, one hour of hot vinyasa followed by one hour of restorative.

    I kept every therapy appointment.

    I kept every chiropractic appointment.

    And most importantly, I stayed sober, even when things felt the heaviest. It has been 147 days since my last drink, 158 days since I last smoked, and I am incredibly proud of myself for that.

    That matters more than anything.

    Of course, not everything stayed perfectly on track. My sleep schedule has been all over the place again, staying up late and sleeping in. And naturally, my eating schedule has followed suit.

    As I come out of this fog, getting my sleep and nutrition back into alignment feels like my biggest priority.

    🌸 Gentle Rebuilding

    I am also being very intentional about how I approach this next phase.

    I know by now that being hard on myself does not work. Being critical does not create sustainable change. It just creates more resistance.

    So I am choosing softness.

    I am choosing patience.

    I am choosing to trust the process.

    I will get back to my ideal routines. Maybe not overnight, maybe not even this week. But little by little, I will get there.

    🔔 Moments That Shifted Something

    Last weekend, Heath and I went to a sound bath at my yoga studio, and it was incredible.

    Neither of us had ever done one before, and we both left feeling lighter, both physically and energetically.

    Heath has been dealing with a shoulder injury for over a year, and afterward he had more range of motion and less pain than he has had in a long time. He went in skeptical and came out a believer.

    For me, it felt like the clouds started to part. I went in feeling heavy and disconnected, and I walked out feeling more present, more grounded, and more like myself.

    Then Wednesday came.

    I had my yearly oncology check up, and I am so happy to say that all of my bloodwork came back healthy and I am still cancer free. 🤍

    I will go back in December for another scan, but for now, I am in the clear.

    Heath took the day off to come with me, and we ended up spending the whole day together. We had brunch, went to the chiropractor, drove around listening to music, and he even came with me to restorative yoga that evening.

    Something about that day felt like a turning point. The sound bath cleared the fog, and Wednesday felt like the beginning of rebuilding.

    ✨ Stepping Into Something New

    This week, I also started a six week online Reiki course, and I am so excited about it.

    For anyone unfamiliar, Reiki is a Japanese energy healing practice that supports the body’s natural healing processes, reduces stress, and promotes relaxation and overall wellbeing.

    It is something I have been curious about for a long time, and I finally felt ready to say yes to it.

    I am really proud of myself for investing in my healing in this way.

    🌱 Moving Forward

    Right now, I feel more like myself again. I feel hopeful. I feel grounded. I feel ready to expand again.

    And I also know that contraction will come back at some point. That is just part of the rhythm.

    But I trust myself more now. I trust that I can move through it with more awareness, more compassion, and more resilience each time.

    This cycle was hard, but I handled it better than I ever have before.

    I did not run from it.

    I did not numb it.

    I sat with it. I felt it. I honored it.

    And now, I am ready for what comes next.

    💜 A Little Reminder

    Healing is not linear. It never has been.

    There will be highs and lows, expansions and contractions, clarity and confusion. That is all part of the journey.

    Be gentle with yourself. Trust yourself. You will make it through.

    I love you all. Thank you for being here with me, and thank you for your patience while I took a step back.

    I am really excited to be writing again.

    Love always,
    Bailz 💜

  • Worse Than I Thought

    Worse Than I Thought

    Yesterday, I realized that my mental health had been doing much worse this past week than I wanted to admit. I was in supreme denial about how negative my thoughts had become, how loud they were, and how often they showed up. On top of that, I was beating myself up for even having them.

    I tried to just push through — do the things, stay distracted, and hope I’d magically wake up better one day. But on Saturday, I woke up and couldn’t stop crying.

    “What’s the point of any of this? Why am I even trying? I’ll always struggle. I’ll always hate myself a little bit. I’ll always feel like this.”

    That afternoon, I had tickets to the Life of a Showgirl release party movie with a friend. I knew I needed to get up, shower, and get dressed. But I cried through all of it. I didn’t really pull myself together until about 30 minutes before my friend arrived to pick me up. Even then, I wasn’t myself. I was quiet, going through the motions, and just… sad. I’m glad I went and spent time with my friend, but I didn’t appreciate it in the moment as much as I could have.

    🚩 When the Signs Were There

    Looking back, I should have recognized things were bad on Thursday night/early Friday morning, when the brand-new Taylor Swift album came out. Normally, I love Taylor Swift. Her lyrics have been a lifeline for me for years. But this time, I listened to the album out of obligation more than joy. I didn’t feel excited. I didn’t count down the hours until release. I didn’t make a cute outfit for the party or obsessively check Instagram for Easter egg theories. I just… didn’t care.

    At first, I thought maybe I just didn’t like the album. Now I realize: I didn’t like anything that much at the time.

    🖤 Going Dark

    So on Saturday, while crying through getting ready, I put the album on again to prep for the show. Even after listening through twice, the funk lingered. All through the show, all through the afternoon, I felt completely dark.

    Heath had a company picnic that day, so he was gone most of the afternoon. When he got home, I was a shell of myself on the couch watching Gilmore Girls, barely able to look at him. He could see something was wrong. He started asking gentle questions, and then the last one was:

    “Are you going dark?”
    “Yes.”

    “Dark” is our word for when things feel about as bad as they can get. Saying it out loud helped. Heath gave me a hug, snuggled me on the couch, and watched Gilmore Girls with me for the rest of the night — even asking questions about the characters and plot. (I think he might secretly be becoming a fan!)

    Later, I spoke up and said I wanted chips and queso. We ordered Torchy’s delivery. Never underestimate the healing powers of chips and queso. We talked a little bit, and I felt myself come back — just a bit.

    🌤️ Choosing to Come Back

    Today, mentally, I feel better. I’m not “dark” anymore. But emotionally and physically, I’m drained. I slept until noon, and I still feel like I could crawl back into bed. Now that I’ve acknowledged how bad it was, though, it feels like it has less power over me.

    Looking back, I see how quickly I slipped into old patterns: shaming myself, measuring my worth by productivity, “should-ing” all over myself, dwelling on the past, neglecting my self-care habits. I haven’t done a full yoga practice in over a week. I haven’t been on the walk pad. I haven’t been present.

    So today, I’m making myself a promise:

    • 💜 I will get back on track, gently.
    • 🧘‍♀️ I will do yoga.
    • 🚶 I will walk.
    • 🌌 I will check in with the astrology for this week.
    • 📚 I will read something uplifting about happiness.
    • 📵 I will stay off my phone as much as possible.
    • 🌙 I will start curating a nighttime routine that is authentically me — one that helps me wind down and sleep well.

    My goal is to be in bed and asleep by 10 PM every night. I’m a lifelong night owl, and turning my brain off at bedtime is hard. But this is my project now.

    🔁 Healing Isn’t Linear

    Progress, setbacks, and forward movement again — it’s all part of it. I can still bring myself back. But I can’t keep it bottled up. Speaking up matters. Showing up matters.

    Even when it’s hard.
    Even when it’s messy.
    Even when it’s just a post like this.

    Thank you for being here. 💜

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