This past month has been busy in the best way. I’ve traveled, I’ve socialized, I’ve completed another journey around the sun, and I’ve learned a new practice that has been incredibly helpful in my healing journey.
🎂 Another Trip Around the Sun
Last Saturday, I turned 36. Huzzah! This has been the first birthday where I can confidently say I do indeed feel older and wiser.
I’ve spent the last year actively diving deep into self-healing, figuring out who I am and, just as importantly, who I am not.
I’ve been expanding my awareness, focusing on living with intention, and learning how to truly care for myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Looking back at where I was a year ago and everything that has happened over the last twelve months, I am just so incredibly proud of myself.
🌊 Amelia Island & Nervous System Reset
To celebrate my birthday, Heath and I went to Amelia Island on the east coast of Florida last weekend, and honestly? It was exactly what my mind, body, and spirit needed.
The slower pace. The abundant sunshine. Eating great food. Enjoying tasty mocktails. Swimming in the ocean. Walking as much as we could. Every part of the trip felt like a little love letter to myself.
My nervous system feels like it has had a full reset, and I am so deeply grateful for that.
I find myself able to be much more present lately, much more consistently. And I owe a lot of that recent progress to my newest practice: Reiki.
✨ Becoming Reiki Certified
Last month, I signed up for an online course to become certified as a Level 1 Reiki Practitioner with a focus on self-healing. Yesterday, I completed and submitted my coursework and received my certificate.
When I saw the certificate arrive in my inbox, I immediately started crying tears of pride and excitement. It felt overwhelming in the best possible way because this was something I chose to do for myself. Something I felt deeply called toward. And I followed through with it.
Completing it feels like a huge victory.
🌀 What Reiki Has Been Teaching Me
Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned about how energy and intention can be used to support healing within the body. I’ve learned about the chakras and how imbalances within them can correspond to both physical and emotional symptoms.
More importantly, though, I’ve learned to approach healing with curiosity rather than expectation, compassion rather than judgment, and trust rather than doubt.
One thing that really stood out to me during my studies was learning that curiosity activates the parasympathetic nervous system, our “rest and digest” state, while judgment activates the sympathetic nervous system, our “fight or flight” response.
That realization alone shifted something in me.
But more than anything else, Reiki has reminded me that I am far more powerful than I have ever given myself credit for.
🎧 The Science of Reiki
My teacher recently released a brand-new podcast all about the science of Reiki, and if you’re curious to learn more, you can check out episode one here:
🌿 Reiki in Everyday Life
I’ve started incorporating Reiki into my daily life through both full-length healing sessions that last around fifteen to thirty minutes and quick grounding moments that take two minutes or less.
I’ve been learning to reach for Reiki during moments when I feel overwhelmed or triggered. Pairing deep breaths with Reiki principles has become an incredibly grounding practice for me, whether I recite them silently in my head or out loud.
✨ The Five Reiki Principles
Just for today, I will not anger
Just for today, I will not worry
Just for today, I will be grateful
Just for today, I will do my work honestly, no matter what it is
Just for today, I will be kind to myself and to others
My teacher suggested simplifying them even further by changing the beginning of each principle to “Just for this breath…” and honestly? That tiny shift has been a complete game-changer for me.
I now find myself taking deep breaths and thinking, “Just for this breath, I will not worry,” multiple times a day.
It has helped keep me calm through everything from navigating airport security and crowded spaces to handling overwhelming social situations and even nearly being run off the road by a negligent driver.
Every time I reach for Reiki, it creates a moment to pause and check in with myself. A moment to consciously choose how I want to respond instead of reacting instinctively.
🌙 The Changes I’ve Been Noticing
Since starting Reiki, I’ve been falling asleep more easily and sleeping better overall. I’ve been able to stay present much more consistently. I’ve been slowing down and actually listening to what my mind and body need in each moment.
I’ve been speaking up for myself more confidently. Trusting myself more deeply. Feeling more authentic, more peaceful, and more grounded with every passing day and every new practice, whether it lasts thirty minutes or thirty seconds.
🔮 What Comes Next
I plan to continue my Reiki studies and complete Reiki Level 2 in the fall, and I feel incredibly proud of myself for listening to my intuition and investing in myself throughout this journey.
With Reiki Level 1 training, I can focus primarily on healing myself and the space around me. I’ve been channeling Reiki not only into my body, but also into my water, food, plants, skincare, and yes, even my dogs.
Once I complete Reiki Level 2, I’ll also be able to help support the healing of others, potentially even on a professional level someday, and that possibility feels really exciting to me.
💜 Closing Thoughts
So far, 36 is off to a really beautiful start.
I can’t wait to see what the rest of this year has in store for me. I can’t wait to continue growing, healing, and becoming even more authentic and powerful by the time 37 rolls around.
And honestly? That feels pretty magical.
Thank you for being here! I am so grateful for all of you!
It’s been a while since my last post. The past month or so brought a wave of depression that knocked me off my footing for a bit. I lost my rhythm for a while, but I am starting to come back to myself and I finally feel ready to return to this space and share again.
🌊 The Rhythm of Healing
At the start of the year, I was in a season of expansion.
I was making meaningful progress in therapy, showing up to yoga twice a week, and really stepping into my independence and personal power.
And then, like clockwork, contraction arrived.
Even though I know contraction is natural, necessary, and part of the deal when it comes to healing, it was still hard to accept while I was in it. I knew it would pass. I knew it was temporary. But that didn’t make it any less difficult.
🖤 Feeling It All
Something I’ve noticed since starting this healing journey is that my awareness has expanded significantly. And with that expanded awareness came deeper, more intense emotional experiences.
I am no longer numbing out or turning away from the hard feelings. I am actually feeling them. And this time around, it hit harder because of that.
It knocked me on my ass for a bit, if I’m being honest.
The upside is that I now have more tools than ever before. I was able to move through it faster than I ever have in the past, and that feels like real progress.
🧠 When the Past Comes Knocking
Here’s what I think really happened.
As I worked on healing my present self, I created space. And that space invited past versions of me to come forward and finally be heard.
And they were not subtle about it.
At the time those experiences originally happened, I didn’t have the capacity to fully process them. So I avoided, suppressed, numbed, and buried them. Drugs, alcohol, distraction, all of it.
But those emotions do not just disappear. They wait. And when it is finally safe enough, they rise.
So as I stepped out of burnout and into healing, everything I had buried came back up to the surface.
Honestly, it felt like an emotional zombie apocalypse.
My bestie, Ryann, sent me this video a few weeks ago, and it helped me understand what was happening in a way that really clicked. I shared it with Heath too, and he found it helpful.
Here it is in case it resonates with you as well:
🧘♀️ Showing Up Anyway
Even though this past month was heavy, I still showed up for myself in the ways that mattered most.
Even on the days I wasn’t feeling it, I made it to yoga. I kept my back to back classes, one hour of hot vinyasa followed by one hour of restorative.
I kept every therapy appointment.
I kept every chiropractic appointment.
And most importantly, I stayed sober, even when things felt the heaviest. It has been 147 days since my last drink, 158 days since I last smoked, and I am incredibly proud of myself for that.
That matters more than anything.
Of course, not everything stayed perfectly on track. My sleep schedule has been all over the place again, staying up late and sleeping in. And naturally, my eating schedule has followed suit.
As I come out of this fog, getting my sleep and nutrition back into alignment feels like my biggest priority.
🌸 Gentle Rebuilding
I am also being very intentional about how I approach this next phase.
I know by now that being hard on myself does not work. Being critical does not create sustainable change. It just creates more resistance.
So I am choosing softness.
I am choosing patience.
I am choosing to trust the process.
I will get back to my ideal routines. Maybe not overnight, maybe not even this week. But little by little, I will get there.
🔔 Moments That Shifted Something
Last weekend, Heath and I went to a sound bath at my yoga studio, and it was incredible.
Neither of us had ever done one before, and we both left feeling lighter, both physically and energetically.
Heath has been dealing with a shoulder injury for over a year, and afterward he had more range of motion and less pain than he has had in a long time. He went in skeptical and came out a believer.
For me, it felt like the clouds started to part. I went in feeling heavy and disconnected, and I walked out feeling more present, more grounded, and more like myself.
Then Wednesday came.
I had my yearly oncology check up, and I am so happy to say that all of my bloodwork came back healthy and I am still cancer free. 🤍
I will go back in December for another scan, but for now, I am in the clear.
Heath took the day off to come with me, and we ended up spending the whole day together. We had brunch, went to the chiropractor, drove around listening to music, and he even came with me to restorative yoga that evening.
Something about that day felt like a turning point. The sound bath cleared the fog, and Wednesday felt like the beginning of rebuilding.
✨ Stepping Into Something New
This week, I also started a six week online Reiki course, and I am so excited about it.
For anyone unfamiliar, Reiki is a Japanese energy healing practice that supports the body’s natural healing processes, reduces stress, and promotes relaxation and overall wellbeing.
It is something I have been curious about for a long time, and I finally felt ready to say yes to it.
I am really proud of myself for investing in my healing in this way.
🌱 Moving Forward
Right now, I feel more like myself again. I feel hopeful. I feel grounded. I feel ready to expand again.
And I also know that contraction will come back at some point. That is just part of the rhythm.
But I trust myself more now. I trust that I can move through it with more awareness, more compassion, and more resilience each time.
This cycle was hard, but I handled it better than I ever have before.
I did not run from it.
I did not numb it.
I sat with it. I felt it. I honored it.
And now, I am ready for what comes next.
💜 A Little Reminder
Healing is not linear. It never has been.
There will be highs and lows, expansions and contractions, clarity and confusion. That is all part of the journey.
Be gentle with yourself. Trust yourself. You will make it through.
I love you all. Thank you for being here with me, and thank you for your patience while I took a step back.
Remember when you were a kid learning how to ride a bike? It was a struggle at first. You could understand the concepts of what to do, it just took some practice to learn how to actually do it. There was a lot of frustration at first.
But then… it just clicked. Remember that feeling? The feeling you got the first time when you pedaled by yourself and actually stayed up and balanced? In that moment, you probably thought, “Holy cow, I’m doing it! I’m actually doing it!”
Well, that’s kind of how I am feeling these days. And I have to tell you, it’s pretty amazing.
✨ The “Wait… I’m Actually Doing It” Moments
I keep having these little moments when I realize that I’m pretty consistently making different, better decisions. I’m making choices that work for me instead of against me. And every time I realize it, I think to myself “holy shit, I’m doing it! I’m actually doing it!”
Because I am. I’m actually doing it. I am getting better. I am creating a life that feels good. And I am so proud of myself.
🌿 Learning What Works for Me
I used to live my life based on what other people said and did. I was constantly comparing my life to others and I rarely ever gave myself the opportunity to learn what worked for me personally. Spoiler alert, forcing it never worked out well.
When I started this journey, I decided that one of my biggest goals was going to be finding what worked for ME, regardless of what other people might think about it. And it has not been easy, but it has SO been worth it.
I am learning to really tune into my body and listen to what it tells me. I am also learning to give myself a whole lot of grace if I end up having to change my plans or expectations based on how I am feeling at any given moment. I am also learning that circumstances change and I can adapt to those changes as they come if I just cut myself some slack.
🩸 Friday’s Lesson: Rest Over Rigid Plans
For example, last week I had planned to go to yoga Friday morning. I had it written in my planner, I had signed up in the app, I was ready to go. But then I ended up starting my period a few days early on Thursday which brought forth a dilemma. Should I still go? I said I was going, I told myself I was going, I just started this new routine, I didn’t want to let myself down.
But also, the thought of getting up early and going to the studio to be around other people and then doing a pretty intense workout on day 2 of my period sounded downright horrible. I spent some time reflecting on it and eventually decided that I would wait and see how I felt that morning and let my body tell me what it felt up to.
Surprising absolutely no one, Friday morning I woke up and my body told me it needed rest and gentle movement instead of a full hot yoga vinyasa session. So I logged into the app, cancelled my booking, and then went back to sleep for a little bit.
I kind of expected to be disappointed in myself for not following through with my plan. I expected the inner critic to pipe up and say “of course you didn’t go, you never follow through with things, you’re so lazy.” But instead, I actually felt genuinely proud of myself. I listened to what my body told me it needed, and then I provided it. And then I felt better. What a concept!
I spent the rest of the day being very gentle with myself. I got up and showered and did some gentle at home yoga. I tidied up around the house a little bit and just took things really slow. Once again, I expected to hear quite a bit from my inner critic, but she kept pretty quiet for most of the day, and it was pretty incredible.
🛁 Weekend Wintering & Small Joys
I spent the weekend fully resting and taking care of myself. I slept in, I read a good bit, I did some slow, gentle yoga, I went to go see the new Baz Luhrmann Elvis movie, EPiC (Elvis Presley in Concert), I went to Aldi for the first time, and I treated myself to some Waffle House.
I am pretty focused on my nutrition these days, but I am also allowing myself some balance. I would say about 80% of the food I eat is healthy and nutritious. But I do not restrict myself from treats or guilty pleasures when the urge arises. I happened to find myself near a Waffle House around dinner time, so I took the opportunity and ran with it and I regret nothing.
Sunday, Heath and I spent a majority of the day on the couch and it was delightful. I think we both really needed a no pressure, do nothing day. Again, I expected my inner critic to speak up and tell me I should be doing something productive, but she stayed pretty quiet. I let myself enjoy the day and it absolutely paid off.
I trusted that I needed to rest. And I trusted that allowing myself to fully rest would result in more energy later that I could use to take care of the chores around the house when I was feeling up to it. And that is exactly how it played out.
🧹 Monday Momentum
On Monday, I woke up feeling a lot more refreshed and ready to take on the day than I expected. I got up, got dressed and ready for the day, and then headed to the chiropractor. Then I came home and worked on cleaning up the house for most of the afternoon. My energy stayed pretty consistent throughout the day too, which I was grateful for.
🔥🧘♀️ A New Yoga Routine (That Actually Works)
Because I was feeling so much better, mentally and physically, on Monday evening I decided to try doing two yoga classes back to back, a hot vinyasa class followed by a warm restorative class. I was a little nervous because I didn’t really know what to expect. I have done both of the classes before, just not back to back.
I figured it would either be the best idea ever or I would absolutely hate it. I also figured I would find out pretty quickly one way or the other. I told myself that I would never know unless I tried, so I tried and thankfully it was a success!
Going forward I think that will be my new routine for Mondays and Wednesdays.
When I first signed up for my monthly membership, my plan was to do a restorative class on Monday and Wednesday evenings and then do my hot vinyasa class on Friday mornings, but now that I know how good my body feels after doing the two classes back to back, I am going to stick to evening practices and stop trying to force a morning class.
I had told myself that doing a morning class would get me up and moving and it would turn me into a morning person. I realize now that I was comparing myself to others. But then I noticed what was happening in my body when I would think about going to the morning class, and I realized that I was trying to force it.
I quickly understood that ultimately I was trying to change myself for no other reason than “it’s what the world says is the right thing to do.” So I stopped myself, I cut that shit out, and now I am really excited about my new Monday and Wednesday night routine.
⛈️ Grace in Real Time
Today being Wednesday, the plan was to go back to yoga and do back to back classes again tonight, but the weather is looking like it’s going to get a little sassy. Out of an abundance of caution, I decided to skip this evening’s classes and instead do a practice at home.
As much as I want to be back in the studio and devoting 2 uninterrupted hours to taking care of my body and spirit, I really have no interest in being out on the roads during a hail storm.
Again, I am giving myself some grace. Yes, I am a little disappointed that I am not going to yoga tonight. But I also know that it is the safest call and I am proud of myself for listening to my instincts.
I can always go to tomorrow evening’s class if the weather is in better shape. The whole point of going to these classes is to take care of myself and make myself feel good. Being worried about my safety getting there and back is not something that will contribute to my overall wellbeing.
🚲 Learning to Regain My Balance
I am learning to go with the flow and adjust my plans as needed, and it’s feeling really good. I didn’t realize just how rigid I had been with myself before, how much I would beat myself up if circumstances changed and I needed to adjust accordingly.
I would instinctively and incessantly beat myself up for things I had no control over and it was absolutely exhausting. Now I am learning to only worry about what I can control, what is actually right in front of me.
I am letting my focus be on gently and compassionately taking care of myself instead of forcing myself because of some abstract rule my inner critic created in my head.
Much like riding a bike, I also know that this is not something I will just suddenly forget how to do. Now that I have learned how to prioritize making decisions like this, learned how to listen to what my body is telling me, I know that even when I have bad days, even when I wobble a bit, I will still be able to regain my balance and prioritize what I need in each moment.
🌙 Quiet Progress, Big Pride
I am feeling really proud of myself these days and it’s just exciting. It’s not loud or extravagant or glamorous. It’s a quiet kind of exciting that tells me I am on the right track, that I am slowly but surely creating the life I have always dreamed of.
I am actually doing it and it’s a pretty incredible feeling.
Thank you all for following along with me as I continue to learn and adjust and discover new paths to happiness. I am so grateful for your company on this journey!
I was in my car headed to the yoga studio, listening to some 60s hits, singing and vibing along, feeling very cute in my new matching yoga leggings and crop top set, and genuinely excited to arrive at my destination and attend my first restorative yoga class.
Then, seemingly out of nowhere, it hit me. I was doing something that younger versions of me could have only dreamed of. And not only was I just doing it, I was doing it without having to completely psyche myself up for it. And until that moment, I didn’t realize just how huge that was for me. But once I did, it felt like I was flooded with an inner bright light, some sort of a total energy vibration.
🌿 Slow Growth, Big Realizations
One of the main themes of this journey so far has been going slow and creating manageable growth, and as a result, I hadn’t really appreciated just how far I have come recently. When I did, I was flooded with a sense of pride and excitement.
I just couldn’t get over how impressed I was with myself that I was going to this class at all, not to mention going by myself. I just decided that I wanted to start going to yoga classes, and I started going. I didn’t wait until I could find someone to go with me, I just started going on my own. That level of independence is pretty huge for me.
And it’s been building slowly in the background, so slowly that I didn’t even realize it until I stopped and looked around and noticed where I was.
And I gotta tell you, it feels pretty freaking good.
🎯 The Goals I Set (And Actually Reached)
When I first started therapy in November, my therapist asked me what some of my goals were. Two of them were be more independent and feel more confident overall. Today I can say with great pride that in the last 3 months I have made some incredible progress on both of those.
I know for certain that I only got here because I took a lot of small steps. If I had tried to make this huge change overnight, I would have sent myself into a full on panic. I know this because I have tried many, many times. And it never ever worked out. So this time, I went slow and I focused on improving just 1% at a time. Sometimes, on the harder days, I would be satisfied with even just half a percent.
And guess what? It absolutely worked.
🔎 Zooming Out & Seeing The Big Picture
Since my epiphany Monday night, I have been focusing more on zooming out and seeing more of the big picture, letting myself really appreciate how far I’ve come. And I now know I have made a lot more progress than I was giving myself credit for before.
Overall, my anxiety is significantly less than it has ever been. And I think a lot of that is due to the fact that I am being consistently nicer to myself in my head. Not just nice, but supportive and encouraging even.
The amount of times I tell myself “good job!” in a day now is staggering. Before this journey, that wasn’t even a part of my internal vocabulary. All I ever did was criticize myself, but shifting my perspective and simply bringing awareness to my inner monologues has made a huge difference over time.
Slowly but surely I transitioned from constantly judging myself to curiously observing myself. And it absolutely changed the game.
🧠 Presence = Better Memory (Who Knew?)
I’ve also noticed that my memory has improved. I used to walk into rooms and have no idea why I walked in them, but that hasn’t happened in quite a while.
Also, pretty consistently I would come up with some sort of a question in my mind, and then think “I’m going to look that up,” and then by the time I pulled up Google I would have forgotten what I was going to google. It was happening daily, like multiple times a day. But now, it doesn’t seem to be a problem anymore.
I am a lot more present and focused on what is right in front of me, and less likely to be thinking about 12 different things all at once.
🕯️ The Power of Intention & Mindfulness
I have learned that intention and mindfulness have been incredibly significant in this journey and my progress thus far. I am actively focusing on paying attention to what I am doing in each moment, no matter what it is.
If I am brushing my teeth, I am doing my best to give all of my focus to brushing my teeth in that moment. If I am resting, I am doing my best to give all of my attention to my restful activity, whatever that may be. If I am working on a blog post, I am focusing all of my attention on writing instead of letting my brain tell me all the other things I could or should be doing.
And that shift has been monumental in the overall big picture.
💜 A Version of Me I’m Proud Of
It has been a little over 3 months since I started therapy and I can very happily report that I am genuinely more independent and feeling more confident than I did when I started. I look at the woman I am now and I am just so proud.
Look at me, going to yoga classes on my own, investing in tools that will help me take better care of myself without guilt, taking myself out on little dates fairly frequently, celebrating all my little wins, and genuinely being intentionally kind to myself.
And it’s all possible because I didn’t force any of it. I slowed down, and gave myself permission and space to let go of the pressure and just exist without any expectations. I started learning how to trust myself and how to trust that everything happens right on time.
✨ Exactly Where I’m Meant To Be
This evening I am going back for my second restorative class and I am so excited for it. As I was finishing up the rest of this post, I got a message from the owner of the studio thanking me for signing up for my monthly membership and asking me how I was liking it and if I had any questions.
I already knew that this was the absolute right thing for me to be doing in the right place, but this just solidified it even more.
I am so grateful for all the little steps I have taken, on the good days and the harder ones, to get me where I am today. I feel so confident that I am exactly where I am supposed to be at this exact moment in life.
Thank you for being here and for following along on this journey with me! I am so grateful that I get to share all of this with you, one step at a time.
It has been quite a while since I last posted, and it feels weird but very good to be back.
I decided to step away because when I was writing my last post, I was really struggling with the whole process. I had a hard time coming up with what I wanted to say, and ultimately I was beating myself up because I felt like I didn’t have a whole lot of meaningful wisdom to impart. I was putting a heck of a lot of pressure on myself, more than I even realized at the time. So, after some reflection, I decided to take a little break without any real plan of how long that break would be. I just knew intuitively that it was what I needed to do.
🌿 Trusting My Timing (And Myself)
A lot of what I have been working on in therapy is trusting myself and my instincts, learning how to listen to what my body and my nervous system need in each moment. I’m also working on honoring the process and not rushing.
Each time I have made a big step forward, like getting sober or taking a break from social media, I have said to my therapist, “I wish I had done it so much sooner!” And each time she stops me and says, “No, you weren’t ready before. You did it when you were ready.” And you know what? She’s right! If I had tried to get sober before I was ready, it would not have stuck. Same with social media. So when I took a step away from the blog, I knew I had to listen to myself and trust that I would know when I was ready to come back. And, hey guess what, it worked!
I trusted my instincts, I trusted that I would post again when I felt ready, and I trusted that I would know when I felt ready again without forcing it. I am really grateful that I listened to those instincts because as I sit here writing this post I feel a lot more centered and way less pressured. I am genuinely excited to be writing again. Sure, I’m a little nervous, and a little rusty, but still excited.
🧠 Letting Go of the Pressure
At first when I stepped away, I was admittedly beating myself up pretty badly pretty consistently. I kept telling myself I needed to go ahead and post again because it had already been so long and I just needed to get it together and come up with something to write about. And the more I tried to push myself, the further and further I stayed away from my keyboard.
So I took some time to reflect on that and then decided to try something different. I decided that I would just let myself let it go for a while. I gave myself permission to release the pressure and be authentic and trust myself. If for whatever reason, I never ended up posting again, so be it. If I came up with something I wanted to write about, I knew I would feel it strongly and it wouldn’t feel forced. I trusted myself, and it took some time, but now here we are, back to writing and feeling good about it! HUZZAH!
🚢 The Cruise, The Balcony, And The Inner Critic
I’ve spent most of my time away continuing to focus on wintering, but there have also been some notable events worth sharing. First, Heath and I went on a cruise. It was a great time, and I am so glad we went. But I have to admit, during the actual vacation, I was being pretty mean to myself.
All I wanted to do was sit on our balcony and read and look out at the water and listen to the waves and just be quiet and still. And that is what I did for the most part. But I was also simultaneously telling myself that I should be making the most out of the trip, that we should be going on excursions at every port and participating in all the on board activities and going to all the shows each night. I told myself that by staying in the room and on the balcony for the majority of the time, I was wasting the trip, even though deep down I knew I was doing exactly what I wanted to be doing.
I knew I was honoring what my body and nervous system needed, but at the same time I was criticizing myself for it. I was able to recognize what was happening, and I actively worked on being present and trying to ignore my inner critic, but honestly, it was a struggle.
Even when we got back to Fort Worth, I was having a hard time with it all. I was feeling guilty that I didn’t do more, I was feeling guilty that I was so happy to be home. Truth be told, it took me almost a week to get myself back.
Now that I have had some time to reflect, I am proud of myself for not forcing myself to do any of the things I told myself I “should” have been doing. I’m glad I did exactly what I wanted to do, even though I mentally struggled with it at the time. I know I would have been a lot worse off if I had ignored what my body and my nervous system were telling me and tried to force things I didn’t feel up to, that didn’t feel authentic. I trusted myself and I did what I felt up to, regardless of what it might look like to other people. It was a struggle, but I did it and I feel good about it.
🦷 Facing The Dentist (Finally)
When we got back, I went to the dentist for the first time in many, many years. It’s something I had been putting off over and over because honestly I just wasn’t ready to tackle that tiger yet.
For some context, when I am struggling with my mental health, personal care, specifically brushing my teeth, is usually the first thing to get tossed out the window. I’m not really sure why it is, but when I am feeling really rotten, the last thing I want to do is something to take care of myself, to do something responsible. If I didn’t have to go anywhere or interact with anyone, I just didn’t care about it. Gross, I know. But its true.
Also, my drinking and smoking directly affected things as well. Most nights, I would be too buzzed to think about taking care of myself in that way, or feeling too lazy to get up and do it. I am not proud of it, but its the truth. I just didn’t care, it was never a priority. For years and years.
So, ultimately, I had convinced myself that I had forever ruined my teeth because of that. I convinced myself that because it had been so long, there was going to be an enormous amount of work to be done, that I’d probably have to have root canals done on all of my teeth or that I’d lose them all and would need implants or something like that, even though I was not experiencing any pain or could detect any real issues on my own. I just told myself it would be horrible, so I put it off for years and years.
But then, I started this self healing adventure, and somewhere deep within me I knew that the dentist would eventually be a part of it. Not right off the bat obviously, but eventually. I started with other things first, like regulating my nervous system through chiropractic care, getting sober, and starting therapy.
Then, at the beginning of January, I decided I was ready. All of the sudden, I just felt ready. I’m not really sure exactly what changed, I just know that the thought of the dentist didn’t seem quite so scary, it seemed like something that I could actually handle now. I felt ready.
📞 The Phone Call Win
Once I had this realization, I immediately got online and found a holistic dentist near me. I did my research and made sure it was going to be a good fit, then I called and got an appointment scheduled. I’d like to take a quick moment to point out that in itself is a pretty big deal for me. For whatever reason, I have a good amount of anxiety about calling strangers on the phone. I always have, as long as I can remember. I’m not sure why, but its a pretty strong fear.
For some reason though, I didn’t feel so anxious to make this call. To be honest, I was kind of excited actually. I knew that I would feel really accomplished and proud of myself once I had made the call and scheduled the appointment, and somehow that overshadowed all possibilities of anxiety prior to the call. I didn’t even hesitate, I just dialed the number. It felt really odd but also really good.
✅ The Results (Not Nearly As Bad As I Feared)
My first appointment was just x-rays and scans to see what was going on, inside and out. Shockingly, even though it had been almost 10 years since my last dental appointment, the prognosis was not nearly as bad as I had built up in my head. In terms of work to be done, I only needed a deep cleaning and 2 fillings. Not sure how that is possible, but I will absolutely take it.
I also learned that I have some gum recession and some teeny tiny stress fractures in my teeth that are the result of constantly clenching my jaw… which, to be honest, not so shocking. I have known that constantly clenching my jaw is an issue, but I had no idea it could cause these kinds of things. So now, I am overly focused on my jaw and constantly telling myself “release, stop clenching!” And I think I am making some good progress. Simply bringing consistent awareness to it has been a game changer.
Other than that, everything else looked pretty good, and that was such a relief! They did all of the necessary work over two appointments, starting with deep cleaning the right side of my mouth and completing one filling, and then they tackled the left side and the other filling a week later. They numbed me up thoroughly for both appointments, so they were significantly less uncomfortable than I had anticipated. Overall, the whole process was dare I say easy and painless.
🙋♀️ Advocating For Myself
When they were doing my left side, I was a little more sensitive than I had been on the right side. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that old Bailz would have just sucked it up and endured the pain because she would not have wanted to burden the dentist and ask for more numbing shots. But thanks to all of the work I have been dedicating myself to recently, I am no longer old Bailz!
So as soon as I realized that this side felt significantly different, I raised my hand immediately and spoke up for what I needed. And guess what? They were more than happy to handle it. No one judged me or laughed at me or told me I was asking for too much. They actually thanked me for speaking up. Imagine that!
Once I was thoroughly numbed, the rest of the procedure was easy peasy and I had the added bonus of feeling victorious for advocating for myself. It’s a little thing, but these are the little wins that add up over time and are creating a whole new version of myself. So I am doing my best to celebrate each and every little win as they come because I know its important.
🪥 A New Nonnegotiable Routine
After all the work was done, my dentist walked me through a personalized oral health care routine to keep up with at home and I am honestly really enjoying it. It has become a nonnegotiable part of my morning and evening routines, whether I am going to be interacting with people or not.
It has shifted from feeling like a hassle to becoming something I am doing for myself because I see the value in taking care of myself. The more I do them, the more I enjoy the little things I do to show myself love, to support my health, and to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking care of, time after time.
And the more I am keeping up with it, I am learning that the more I show up for myself, the easier it gets to keep doing so.
🔥 Hot Yoga: A Plot Twist
Last week, my chiropractor posted about a hot yoga Galentine’s Day event they were hosting at a local yoga studio. I had never tried hot yoga before, but I do love yoga itself. I practice at home, almost daily, and after 3 years of practicing off and on, recently I had been toying with the idea of finding a studio where I could take classes in person instead of only relying on YouTube. When I saw my chiropractor’s post, I knew immediately that this felt like the perfect opportunity to dip my toe in the hot yoga pool.
Without letting myself overthink it, I bought my ticket and added it to my calendar. I really wasn’t sure what to expect. I had no clue if I would be able to keep up or if I could handle the heat, but I also knew that I would never find out if I never tried. So I packed up my mat, filled up my water bottle, and decided to give it my all and see what happened. I showed up, nervous but excited.
You guys, I am OBSESSED with hot yoga now. That class unlocked something within me. Normally, getting sweaty gives me the absolute ick, but somehow this hits different. I don’t understand why or how, but I actually enjoyed the aspect of sweating in this scenario. It was like I could feel the toxins and negative energy leaving my body in real time. It was truly wild.
Also, not gonna lie, I was so impressed with how much I was able to do. I realize now that in my years of at home practice, I had not given myself nearly enough credit for my yogi skills. I had been telling myself that because I was just doing videos at home by myself that somehow it didn’t really count. But I don’t think that anymore. I know that I am absolutely a yogi and I am leaning so far into it now.
The studio where the event was held offers a free first class (the event didn’t count), so I signed up in the app and booked myself for a 60 minute Vinyasa class this past Friday morning. To be honest, it was a little more difficult than the Galentine’s event, BUT I still held my own and confirmed that I really want this to become part of my wellness journey.
Yesterday, I signed up for a month unlimited membership and I am booked to go back Monday evening for a restorative class. I am thinking of starting with going twice a week. One restorative class and one Vinyasa class and see how my body handles that.
🧘♀️ The Mat Upgrade
I also ordered myself a new cork yoga mat with a natural rubber backing, specifically made for hot yoga. I did this for a few reasons. First of all, the one I have now is pretty old and kind of falling apart. Winston and Wrigley like to “help me” practice at home and their claws do no favors to the mat.
I also learned very quickly during my first two classes that my current mat gets slippery AF by the end of class and that just seems unnecessarily dangerous. Additionally, I now know that it’s made of toxic chemicals and forever plastics, which I didn’t know too much about when I first ordered it. Now I know a lot more, and I knew that when I replaced my mat it would be with something that was good for both me and the earth. So that is exactly what I did.
🌱 Owning My “Health & Wellness Girlie” Era
I am really leaning into my health and wellness journey these days and it feels really good. Six months ago, if you had asked me if I considered myself a “health and wellness girlie,” I would have shuddered with imposter syndrome and said, “absolutely not!” I would have gotten so caught up with comparing myself to all the Instagram influencers, assuming they know and do more than me and therefore what I know and do doesn’t count.
But today I can proudly tell you that hell yes I am a health and wellness girlie! I am a yogi and I prioritize my nutrition and health and wellbeing, and that is all that matters. I am not letting myself negate my interests and focuses and hobbies through comparison. And that feels like a really significant shift. I am really proud of myself and the progress I have made on this journey.
I know that there will always be someone out there who knows more and does more, and I also know that that has nothing to do with me. I am on my own journey and it can look like whatever I want it to look like. And right now, it looks like cutting myself a lot of slack when I am struggling, taking extra care of my personal care routines, and sweating up a storm on a non-toxic yoga mat twice a week.
Thank you for being here with me as I continue on this journey! I am grateful for each and everyone of you!
Yesterday marked four months of Bailz has a Blog, which honestly feels a little surreal. Part of me feels like I just started, and part of me feels like I’ve been doing this much longer than four months. Both parts of me are incredibly proud.
After spending so much of my life living in fear, it feels really amazing to be sharing my life, my journey, my thoughts, my feelings, and my experiences with all of you lovely people. Creating this space has easily been one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I started scared… and I kept showing up. And here we are. 💜
🐾 Remembering Chelsea
Yesterday was also Chelsea’s Gotcha Day. We lost her in September, and while we know it was the right decision and we’re grateful she’s no longer in pain, it was still a hard day.
I miss her smile and her sass. She was truly one of a kind. 🤍
❄️ Deep in Wintering
I’m still very much in my wintering phase, and I’m honestly enjoying it more than I ever expected. I’m hibernating. I’m cocooning. I’m resting, healing, and honoring the process to the best of my ability.
Each day, I feel a little more calm — and that realization alone has been huge. I’m starting to feel present in my body and in my life in a way I don’t think I ever have consistently before.
For most of my life, rest came with criticism. Wanting rest came with shame. Enjoyment came with a warning not to get used to it. Quiet moments felt wasted. My mind was always racing, multitasking, performing, trying to impress — and I was never fully in any moment.
Now I see how deeply that hurt me.
These days, quiet moments are the goal. 🤍
📖 Reading Slowly, On Purpose
I’m still working my way through The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, and I’m intentionally taking my time with it. Throughout the book, Tolle includes small pause symbols, encouraging the reader to stop, become still, and really experience what’s just been read before moving on.
That practice has been exactly what I needed.
Before starting this book, I had already noticed how much I rushed through everything I read. I knew it was a problem, but I didn’t really know how to fix it. These built-in pauses have been helping me learn how to slow down and absorb instead of sprinting to the next page. I’m also really enjoying the question-and-answer format — it feels approachable and grounding.
More than anything, the book has helped me realize how much priority I’ve always given to thinking and analyzing — and how much pain, stress, and anxiety that ultimately caused me. The more I take my thoughts as absolute truth, the more power I give away.
So now, I’m practicing being what Tolle calls “the watcher” of my thoughts and emotions, rather than letting them become my identity. It’s a slow practice, but one that’s already changing so much for me.
🩺 Signs of Real Progress
On Monday, I had my third set of progress scans with the chiropractor, and the results were honestly incredible. Comparing my original scans from October to my current ones, I can hardly believe how much progress I’ve made in such a short amount of time.
Because of that improvement, I’ve been cleared to reduce my visits from three times a week to two times a week. Going forward, I’ll be going on Mondays and Thursdays, and we’ll reassess in a month.
It’s a bittersweet feeling. I’m incredibly grateful for the healing — releasing tension and trauma from my body has been life-changing. But I’m also a little sad about the routine change. That office has become a home away from home, and even on my hardest days, I’ve looked forward to being there.
Today is the first Wednesday I haven’t gone, and it feels… weird. Like I’m forgetting something. But I also know this change is a sign of growth — and that matters.
(And yes, I am very excited to go tomorrow. 😅)
🧘♀️ Listening to My Body
Overall, my body feels so much better. I’m holding far less tension, my stress levels are lower than they’ve ever been, my neck and shoulders feel better, and I’m sleeping more deeply.
The one area still holding tightness is my hips, so I’ve been using yoga to focus on hip and lower back opening. I can already feel the difference — physically and emotionally. I feel more fluid and less rigid, and that shift has been really powerful.
🛁 A Little Extra Care
Today, I leaned into some extra self-care, and I’m feeling deeply relaxed.
I started with yoga — some focused on hip opening, some restorative and meditative. Then I made a DIY face mask with plain Greek yogurt and raw honey, soaked in a bath with a Flewd bath soak, scrubbed head to toe with a Dead Sea salt scrub, shaved my legs, and moisturized thoroughly.
I feel pampered, calm, and really proud of myself for taking care of my body and my nervous system. ✨
🌱 Simple, Not Easy
This part of my journey may not look glamorous or exciting — but that doesn’t make it any less important. Slowing down and being present sounds simple, but it’s not easy. It’s taken weeks for it to feel less strange.
I’m not perfect at it. It’s a practice. But I’m getting better every day — and that feels pretty amazing.
I hope you can take a few moments to slow down today too. Check in with yourself. Be present where you are. I promise, it’s worth it.
Thank you for being here. I’m so incredibly grateful for you. 💜
I wanted to give a little check-in from my wintering. I am currently fighting a cold/upper respiratory bug, which I fully believe is my body telling me: “Okay, you won’t slow down on your own? I’ll do it for you.” 🤧
And while I’m kinda frustrated… I’m also grateful for the extra push. The past week has been a lot slower than any of the rest of this process has been, and it feels really weird, but I know it’s needed. 🕯️
📚 “Wintering” Was the Permission Slip I Didn’t Know I Needed
I finished reading Wintering by Katherine May the other day and I cannot recommend it enough. It genuinely feels like it was the permission slip to truly slow down I didn’t know I needed.
It has really helped me shift my perspective around this phase I’m going through and shed some of the shame I’ve been feeling about my non-linear growth. 💛
🧭 Learning What Brings Me Joy (And What Doesn’t)
One thing I am really focusing on is learning what brings me joy and what does not.
Earlier this week, I decided I was going to curl up and watch season 2 of The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. I watched Season 1 when it came out and enjoyed it then, but I’ve been so focused on other things that I didn’t even realize there were two new seasons out now.
With my new focus on rest and slowing down, I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to indulge… but I got an episode and a half in and then I had to turn it off. It was triggering my anxiety in a way I hadn’t felt in a while, so I said: “No, thank you.”
There is plenty of other content out there I can enjoy without triggering my fight-or-flight response. 🫶
Instead, I switched over to watching Good Hang with Amy Poehler on YouTube. Since it launched earlier this year, I’ve watched a few episodes here and there, but not with any real consistency.
Over the last few days, however, I’ve watched a bunch of different episodes and it has felt like a hug to my heart. This show is indeed perfectly named. Each episode feels like a good hang with good friends — and that has been bringing me a lot of joy right now. 🥹💜
📖 A Cozy Read That’s Just for Me
I am also reading A Winter’s Promise by Christelle Dabos and I am really enjoying that as well.
When I first started it a couple of weeks ago, I admittedly had a hard time getting into it and reading consistently. But now I think that had less to do with the story itself and more to do with the internal story I was telling myself.
I think I was still shaming myself for reading something that wasn’t going to teach me anything about my journey. But now that I am slowing down and giving myself space and time to heal, focusing on finding the joy, and just being present with myself… I am really, really enjoying this book. ✨
It is the first book in a four-part series and I am looking forward to reading all of it.
😴 Rest Without Rigid Rules
I am sleeping a lot more these days — partly because I feel icky fighting off this cold, and partly because my soul just needs more rest in general.
I am letting go of the rigidity and letting myself sleep when I am tired. I am still trying to go to bed and wake up at the same time, but I am also letting myself be flexible with it as needed.
The set sleep and wake times I have are goals and guidelines, not punishments or restrictions. 🌙
🛁 Comfort as a Practice
I am feeling really proud of myself for finally exploring life through a slower, less urgent lens. It’s definitely a process to let go of the strictness and rigidity, but I am working on it and it feels good. 🤍
I am really leaning into comfort these days:
Taking lots of baths, soaking in salts and oils to soothe my body and my soul 🛁
Taking extra hot showers to let the steam open up my sinuses 🚿
Drinking a lot of water and electrolytes to help flush everything out 💧
Exclusively wearing comfy clothes — leggings, big t-shirts, long cardigans, and cozy socks 🧦
I did some yoga with Heath last night, but we kept it light with a slow, restorative practice — and it felt nice to get back on the mat in a manageable and meaningful way. 🧘♀️
I haven’t been on the walk pad in a few days and while I do miss it, I know my body needs to be resting right now. I’ll get back to it when I’m physically feeling better.
Maybe I can get back on tomorrow and just keep it really slow, so I am moving with intention but not overexerting myself. But I am going to listen to my body and go with the flow because I know that is what is needed right now. 🌿
❄️ That’s My Check-In for Now
And that’s about it — that’s all I’ve got for ya right now. I really don’t feel like I have a whole lot to say today, but that’s okay.
I still wanted to show up and check in and update you all where I am right now. I am very much wintering, and it’s not glamorous or exciting… but it is necessary. 🕯️
💬 A Question for You
What’s bringing you comfort right now — a show, a book, a ritual, a cozy routine? If you feel like sharing, tell me in the comments. I’d love to know what’s helping you soften and breathe this season. 🤍
✨ Want to Follow Along?
If you enjoyed this post and want to keep following along with my wintering era — the healing, the slowing down, the small joys, and the honest check-ins — I’d love for you to subscribe.
You’ll get an email whenever a new post goes live (no spam, just the good stuff). Thank you for being here. It means the world to me. 💜
Last week, my therapist recommended a book to me called Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May, and it has really helped shift my perspective on this entire process I have been going through.
Before I started reading this book, I had no idea just how much pressure I was putting on myself to always be doing more. I was so strict and rigid with myself, and I expected myself to be so much further along than I was.
I was neglecting to acknowledge everything I was trying to heal from — I just wanted to be healed.
🧠 The Pressure I Didn’t Realize I Was Carrying
Some days, I was accomplishing a lot and sticking to my routines, but some days I was struggling more than I let myself realize and therefore was beating myself up a lot.
There was more consistency than I have ever had before, but it was not nearly 100%, and deep down, I was ashamed of it. I was ashamed of what I was doing or not doing, of the fact that I was “weak” and needed to take this time to figure my shit out.
I felt like I needed to be strict and rigid with myself to somehow earn this period of healing. That I needed to make radical changes in short amounts of time and force this growth as if it were my job so that I could justify the space I was taking up on this planet.
I was not being very kind or patient with myself at all.
Even though I thought I was trying to be gentle with myself — I told myself I was, I wrote here about how I was — ultimately I was never really succeeding. I liked the idea of being gentle with myself, but to be honest, I had really no idea how to actually execute it in practice, because I never learned how to.
It was never modeled for me when I was growing up. I never saw it in action. It was never really encouraged. All I have ever known is self criticism, so breaking the cycle has been quite the challenge.
⏳ Rest Used to Feel Like “Wasting Time”
Prior to starting this book, anytime I was resting during a non-designated rest or sleep time, I was thinking to myself that I should be working on something else. I should be reading. I should be writing a blog post. I should be practicing piano. I should be up on the walk pad. I should be cleaning the house.
And yes — all of those things are valid uses of my time. But I was tired. My body was telling me to rest. Instead of appreciating the message from my body, I was shaming myself. Telling myself that I shouldn’t be tired, that if I rest now, I’m wasting time and throwing off my sleep schedule.
📚 What “Wintering” Taught Me
Then I started reading Wintering, and it has helped immensely.
May explains Wintering as:
“a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency and vanishing from sight; but thats where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the life cycle, but its crucible… Doing those deeply unfashionable things — slowing down, letting your spare time expand, getting enough sleep, resting — is a radical act now, but it is essential.”
I didn’t realize it at first, but I was absolutely thinking of this season I’m going through as a spring — a rebirth of some sort. I was expecting to just become this whole new version of myself overnight through sheer will.
I was trying to skip over the wintering completely.
I felt that by slowing down, I was wasting this time and opportunity when I could be doing so much more. I had given myself a few weeks at the beginning of all this to slow down (or so I thought), and I told myself that was plenty and it was time to push through and move on and get to the doing and growing and healing.
As I have been working my way through this book, I have realized that the rest and the slowing down is exactly what this time is for. That by not utilizing this time to do that, I am in fact wasting this opportunity.
🌙 Letting the Season Be What It Is
So, that is what I am trying to really focus on.
Prior to starting this book and shifting my perspective, I was feeling a little bit frustrated that I was going through this experience going into the winter months. I wanted to be in the summer with the sun rising earlier and setting later so I could work on my circadian rhythm easier.
I was feeling frustrated over the evenings arriving earlier and earlier each day. I was fussing over the fact that I needed to wear more and more layers as the temperatures fell. I was just resisting every bit of it because I was trying to race ahead to spring and summer — literally and figuratively.
But now that I have taken a step back and realized that the process of wintering is absolutely necessary in order to have a successful spring, I am so very grateful that my winter of life is also falling during the physical seasonal winter.
All those things I was resisting — the shorter days, the lower temperatures, the extra layers — now I see them as benefits, so I am leaning into them.
Now I am going to focus on hibernating like my life depends on it, because you know what? It kind of does. ❄️
🛌 Practicing Rest, Presence, and “Awareness Without Judgment”
The past few days I have spent quite a bit of time in bed, reading and resting and resisting the urge to rush.
I am trying not to scroll on my phone as much, trying to be present in my relaxation. I am spending time in bed just thinking/meditating and it’s been odd but really nice.
I am napping when I am tired. I am listening to my body.
I am still mindful of my nighttime and morning routines, but I am not beating myself up for any deviations from them. If I wake up feeling like I need to go back to sleep for a little bit longer, I am letting myself do it.
If I am struggling to go to sleep and decide I am going to stay up and read for a little bit longer until I really do start to feel sleepy, I am letting myself do it.
I am just trying to be in the moment more, listen to my body more, and overall let go of the reins a little bit.
I really was being so strict with myself and so rigid. I was holding myself to an impossibly high standard for what I am going through, and it was ultimately becoming a detriment.
I am trying to bring a lot of awareness into my days — awareness without judgment. I am trying to pay attention to where my thoughts are going, how my body is feeling, how my spirit is feeling, and simply notice those things instead of judging or criticizing myself for them.
I am trying to approach everything through a lens of curiosity instead — curiosity and kindness and compassion. 💜
I have also started gratitude journaling before bed each night. I spend a few moments writing down everything I am thankful for, and that has been very helpful in keeping me present as well.
🤍 Choosing Honesty (Even When Hustle Culture Says Otherwise)
This bit of the journey may not be glamorous or exciting. It may not be the most captivating thing to read about — but it’s where I am right now.
There is a part of me that is scared to talk about all of this, to be broadcasting the fact that I am actively trying to do less in a world where hustling is king.
But when I created this space, I vowed to be honest and transparent and vulnerable with you all, so I am going to hold myself to that and keep showing up — even when there isn’t a whole lot to say.
I had been flailing a bit trying to hold onto some direction and growth and progress that just wasn’t sticking, but now I know that this is not the time for that. This is not my spring yet. This is my winter, and I need to respect that.
I am wintering, and I am going to give it my all. ❄️
💬 A Question for You
Have you ever had a season of life where rest was the work? If you feel comfortable sharing — what did your “wintering” look like, and what helped you soften into it? 🤍
✨ Want to Follow Along?
If you enjoyed this post and want to keep following along with my healing journey — the realizations, the quiet seasons, the messy middle, and everything in between — I’d love for you to subscribe.
You’ll get an email whenever a new post goes live (no spam, just the good stuff). Thank you for being here and holding space for me. It truly means the world. 💜
Today I want to talk about my sobriety. I’ll be honest, I have very bittersweet feelings about it. On one hand, I am incredibly proud of myself. Like, over-the-moon proud. Not just because I saw what needed to be done and did it, but because I’ve done it on my own, cold turkey.
I decided I wasn’t going to drink or smoke anymore and, with the exception of that small glass of champagne at dinner last weekend, I haven’t since November 17th. I haven’t sought out a drink, I haven’t ordered one, I haven’t made one. I haven’t smoked a bowl or lit up a joint or taken a gummy. I am actively getting sober all on my own, and that is huge.
And at the very same time, I am grieving. Drinking, vaping, and THC have all been woven through my life and identity for years. Letting them go feels like losing old (very toxic) friends. Two things can be true at once: I’m deeply proud of myself, and I’m deeply sad.
My complicated relationship with alcohol
Drinking has been part of my life since I was 18. Even before I had my first drink, I already had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol in my head. I built this story that alcohol would help me fit in, make me “cool,” make me easier to be around. I believed that if I could drink a lot, people would be impressed by me.
I sought it out at parties, with friends, anywhere I could. I wanted to feel buzzed, if not outright drunk. I wanted to escape, even though I never would have called it that back then. I told myself I was just “taking the edge off” or being social. It felt like a tool to turn down the volume on my anxiety and my overthinking. If I had a drink in my hand, I convinced myself I was easier to be around, less awkward, less “too much.”
I drank whether I was out with friends or at home by myself. I was drinking almost every single night unless I was sick, and even on those nights, I felt sad and disappointed that I “couldn’t” drink. Looking back, it’s painfully clear that I was actively numbing feelings I didn’t want to deal with. It was always easier to pour another glass of wine than to sit with myself and admit something needed to change.
A long chapter with nicotine
Before I ever started drinking, there were cigarettes. I started smoking when I was 17, another desperate attempt to numb big feelings and try to fit in or become someone I thought would be easier to love.
When I got to college, it really took off. I was smoking about a pack a day and I thought I was so cool for it. I was a moody English major at UGA, so of course I framed it as leaning into the “aesthetic.” I knew it was bad for me, but I told myself, “I’m young, I’ll quit later, it’ll be fine.” I loved the ritual: going outside, taking a break from everything else, just focusing on the cigarette. I really did love it.
When I turned 23, vaping started becoming a thing and I tried it. Almost immediately, I switched from cigarettes to vapes. I could smoke inside now—big win, right? It was terrible and great at the same time. I vaped like a chimney until I was 31, and then when the negative side effects (like a perpetual sore throat and feeling constantly off) outweighed the high, I decided to quit. I quit cold turkey—no patches, no gum, just done. The withdrawal was absolute hell, but I did it. And I was so, so proud.
Then, about two years ago, right after I created distance with my family and fell into heavy grief, I started hanging out with a new friend who vaped. One night, after a little too much wine, I asked if I could just have one puff. I told myself it was no big deal. Huge mistake.
She had a disposable with her and offered it to me to keep since there “wasn’t much left.” I told myself I could control it. Spoiler: I absolutely could not. As soon as it ran out, I bought more. Before I knew it, I was vaping like a chimney again and ordering them online in bulk so I’d never run out.
Very quickly, I was right back in addiction. I felt ashamed, disappointed, and embarrassed. I had been so proud to have quit, and then I threw all that work away for “just one puff.” I leaned hard on vaping again as a coping mechanism, and it was unhealthy on every level—physically, emotionally, mentally.
Finally, a few months ago, I’d had enough. I threw all my vapes away. Again, the withdrawal process was hell, but I got through it. Twice now, I have quit nicotine cold turkey. I think that experience gave me the courage and proof I needed to admit that I could also get sober from alcohol and THC.
My long love affair with THC
I started smoking weed toward the end of college, and pretty quickly it became a daily thing alongside the alcohol. Once again, I told myself it made me fun and interesting and that people would be impressed that I smoked and drank as much as I did. I wore it like a badge of honor, when really it was a giant red flag.
I leaned on THC heavily for a long time—not just for my anxiety, but also for my appetite. When I was struggling to eat, I told myself that weed “helped.” And sometimes it did make me hungry. But by the time it kicked in, I was usually too tired or out of it to make a real meal. So most of the time, I ended up eating tons of ultra-processed snack foods that only made everything worse.
When I was going through chemo, I grabbed onto THC even tighter. I didn’t want to take all the prescription anti-nausea meds; I didn’t want more chemicals in my system than I already had from chemo. Weed was a more “natural” option, and it worked quickly for the nausea, so I convinced myself it was good for me and that I needed it.
Up until very recently, I was numbing myself daily with some mix of alcohol, THC, and nicotine. Now that I’ve stepped back, it’s very clear how much that contributed to my burnout—physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I was running from myself in every direction.
Realizing “cutting back” wasn’t enough
For a while, I tried to compromise with myself. I said I would only drink on weekends. I’d only smoke before meals “so I could eat enough.” I tried to negotiate with my addictions like they were reasonable roommates instead of what they really were—escape hatches that kept me stuck.
But the more I “cut back,” the more I noticed I was counting down to the next time I was “allowed” to have a drink or smoke. My whole brain would orient around that next moment of relief. And as soon as I realized that, I knew I had a bigger problem on my hands.
So I made the hard decision: no more “cutting back,” just no more. No more nicotine. No more THC. No more alcohol. Cold turkey.
I am incredibly proud of myself for that. And I am also very much grieving. These vices became huge parts of my personality and my routines. They were my constant companions when I felt lonely, overwhelmed, or “too much.”
Two things can be true: proud and grieving
Last night, I got really sad about all of this. Not because I doubt my decision—I know this is the right choice for me—but because I am finally allowing myself to feel the grief beneath the habits.
I’m sad for the younger versions of me who didn’t believe she was worth quitting for. The versions of me who didn’t think she had the strength to stop, who was so afraid of her own feelings that she’d rather numb them out every single night than risk being “too sensitive” in front of anyone.
As long as I can remember, I’ve been told I was “too sensitive,” like it was a character flaw. So I adapted. I learned how to shove big feelings down and drown them in a glass or a puff or an edible instead of letting anyone see them. It felt safer to numb than to risk being shamed again.
Now I’m realizing that if I truly want to heal, I have to learn how to feel my feelings in real time, in their full intensity, without immediately reaching for something to shut them off. And in order to do that, I have to let go of the things that help me numb.
So that’s what I’m doing. And it is hard. It is also beautiful. Two things can be true at once.
Learning to actually feel my feelings
Last night in bed, I was thinking about all of this and I realized I wanted to write about it today. I decided I was finally ready to share this part of my journey in detail here.
As I lay there, specific memories started surfacing—times when I wanted to drink, times when I drank way too much, times when I wanted to smoke, times when I got way too high, and most importantly, the “why” underneath all of it. And instead of shoving those feelings back down or distracting myself, I just let myself cry.
I breathed through it. I let my chest ache. I let the tears come. And then, surprisingly, the wave passed a lot quicker than I expected and I was actually able to fall asleep pretty easily afterward.
I’ve cried a few times while writing this post too. Same thing—it moved through me faster because I didn’t slam the door on it. I let the energy move instead of trying to hold it in or cover it up.
Letting myself feel my feelings sounds like the most basic thing in the world, but for me, it’s brand new. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. So being able to do it even a few times feels huge. And I know I’m only able to do it now because I’ve given myself the space to get sober. I’ve taken the numbing mechanisms off the table so I can actually hear myself.
I am incredibly proud of myself. I am also grieving. Two things can be true at once, and I am making space for both.
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Have you ever given up a habit, coping mechanism, or identity that felt like “part of you,” even when you knew it wasn’t healthy? How did you navigate the grief and the growth that came with that change?
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Today feels quiet in the best way—soft, reflective, grounded. I don’t feel rushed or frantic or overwhelmed. I feel calm, present, and relaxed, and it’s been a while since I could honestly say that.
I’ve been seeing a lot of posts online lately that say things like, “The life you’re living now is something a past version of you once dreamed of.” And honestly? It’s been hitting me right in the heart. In the best way. It’s been gently reminding me to slow down even more, to savor this exact moment of my life, even if it’s a little messy and undefined.
Because yes—this is an in-between season. I still don’t know what job I want next. I still don’t know what I want to “be” when I grow up. I don’t have a clear next step, a five-year plan, or even a solid direction.
And that used to terrify me… but right now? It actually feels okay. It feels necessary.
I’m giving myself space to rest with intention—to heal my nervous system, reconnect with my inner child, and listen instead of ignoring her. I’m caring for myself in real, tangible ways: with nutrition, movement, sleep, yoga, walks, and slowing down enough to hear myself think. I’m letting joy guide me instead of productivity, which is still a challenge, but I’m learning.
And honestly? This is productive. Discovering what brings me joy—and what doesn’t—is wildly valuable information for the rest of my life. I’m experimenting with happiness, with softness, with presence. And that feels kind of exciting.
I don’t have much to say today. But I still wanted to show up, even if it’s short and sweet. Sometimes showing up softly is just as meaningful as showing up loudly.
And today, softness feels like enough.
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What’s one small thing bringing you quiet joy this week? I’d truly love to know. 💜
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