Bailz Has a Blog

Tag: self healing

  • Holy sh!t, I’m actually doing it! 🚲✨

    Holy sh!t, I’m actually doing it! 🚲✨

    Hey, hi, hello! Happy Wednesday!

    Remember when you were a kid learning how to ride a bike? It was a struggle at first. You could understand the concepts of what to do, it just took some practice to learn how to actually do it. There was a lot of frustration at first.

    But then… it just clicked. Remember that feeling? The feeling you got the first time when you pedaled by yourself and actually stayed up and balanced? In that moment, you probably thought, “Holy cow, I’m doing it! I’m actually doing it!”

    Well, that’s kind of how I am feeling these days. And I have to tell you, it’s pretty amazing.

    ✨ The “Wait… I’m Actually Doing It” Moments

    I keep having these little moments when I realize that I’m pretty consistently making different, better decisions. I’m making choices that work for me instead of against me. And every time I realize it, I think to myself “holy shit, I’m doing it! I’m actually doing it!”

    Because I am. I’m actually doing it. I am getting better. I am creating a life that feels good. And I am so proud of myself.

    🌿 Learning What Works for Me

    I used to live my life based on what other people said and did. I was constantly comparing my life to others and I rarely ever gave myself the opportunity to learn what worked for me personally. Spoiler alert, forcing it never worked out well.

    When I started this journey, I decided that one of my biggest goals was going to be finding what worked for ME, regardless of what other people might think about it. And it has not been easy, but it has SO been worth it.

    I am learning to really tune into my body and listen to what it tells me. I am also learning to give myself a whole lot of grace if I end up having to change my plans or expectations based on how I am feeling at any given moment. I am also learning that circumstances change and I can adapt to those changes as they come if I just cut myself some slack.

    🩸 Friday’s Lesson: Rest Over Rigid Plans

    For example, last week I had planned to go to yoga Friday morning. I had it written in my planner, I had signed up in the app, I was ready to go. But then I ended up starting my period a few days early on Thursday which brought forth a dilemma. Should I still go? I said I was going, I told myself I was going, I just started this new routine, I didn’t want to let myself down.

    But also, the thought of getting up early and going to the studio to be around other people and then doing a pretty intense workout on day 2 of my period sounded downright horrible. I spent some time reflecting on it and eventually decided that I would wait and see how I felt that morning and let my body tell me what it felt up to.

    Surprising absolutely no one, Friday morning I woke up and my body told me it needed rest and gentle movement instead of a full hot yoga vinyasa session. So I logged into the app, cancelled my booking, and then went back to sleep for a little bit.

    I kind of expected to be disappointed in myself for not following through with my plan. I expected the inner critic to pipe up and say “of course you didn’t go, you never follow through with things, you’re so lazy.” But instead, I actually felt genuinely proud of myself. I listened to what my body told me it needed, and then I provided it. And then I felt better. What a concept!

    I spent the rest of the day being very gentle with myself. I got up and showered and did some gentle at home yoga. I tidied up around the house a little bit and just took things really slow. Once again, I expected to hear quite a bit from my inner critic, but she kept pretty quiet for most of the day, and it was pretty incredible.

    🛁 Weekend Wintering & Small Joys

    I spent the weekend fully resting and taking care of myself. I slept in, I read a good bit, I did some slow, gentle yoga, I went to go see the new Baz Luhrmann Elvis movie, EPiC (Elvis Presley in Concert), I went to Aldi for the first time, and I treated myself to some Waffle House.

    I am pretty focused on my nutrition these days, but I am also allowing myself some balance. I would say about 80% of the food I eat is healthy and nutritious. But I do not restrict myself from treats or guilty pleasures when the urge arises. I happened to find myself near a Waffle House around dinner time, so I took the opportunity and ran with it and I regret nothing.

    Sunday, Heath and I spent a majority of the day on the couch and it was delightful. I think we both really needed a no pressure, do nothing day. Again, I expected my inner critic to speak up and tell me I should be doing something productive, but she stayed pretty quiet. I let myself enjoy the day and it absolutely paid off.

    I trusted that I needed to rest. And I trusted that allowing myself to fully rest would result in more energy later that I could use to take care of the chores around the house when I was feeling up to it. And that is exactly how it played out.

    🧹 Monday Momentum

    On Monday, I woke up feeling a lot more refreshed and ready to take on the day than I expected. I got up, got dressed and ready for the day, and then headed to the chiropractor. Then I came home and worked on cleaning up the house for most of the afternoon. My energy stayed pretty consistent throughout the day too, which I was grateful for.

    🔥🧘‍♀️ A New Yoga Routine (That Actually Works)

    Because I was feeling so much better, mentally and physically, on Monday evening I decided to try doing two yoga classes back to back, a hot vinyasa class followed by a warm restorative class. I was a little nervous because I didn’t really know what to expect. I have done both of the classes before, just not back to back.

    I figured it would either be the best idea ever or I would absolutely hate it. I also figured I would find out pretty quickly one way or the other. I told myself that I would never know unless I tried, so I tried and thankfully it was a success!

    Going forward I think that will be my new routine for Mondays and Wednesdays.

    When I first signed up for my monthly membership, my plan was to do a restorative class on Monday and Wednesday evenings and then do my hot vinyasa class on Friday mornings, but now that I know how good my body feels after doing the two classes back to back, I am going to stick to evening practices and stop trying to force a morning class.

    I had told myself that doing a morning class would get me up and moving and it would turn me into a morning person. I realize now that I was comparing myself to others. But then I noticed what was happening in my body when I would think about going to the morning class, and I realized that I was trying to force it.

    I quickly understood that ultimately I was trying to change myself for no other reason than “it’s what the world says is the right thing to do.” So I stopped myself, I cut that shit out, and now I am really excited about my new Monday and Wednesday night routine.

    ⛈️ Grace in Real Time

    Today being Wednesday, the plan was to go back to yoga and do back to back classes again tonight, but the weather is looking like it’s going to get a little sassy. Out of an abundance of caution, I decided to skip this evening’s classes and instead do a practice at home.

    As much as I want to be back in the studio and devoting 2 uninterrupted hours to taking care of my body and spirit, I really have no interest in being out on the roads during a hail storm.

    Again, I am giving myself some grace. Yes, I am a little disappointed that I am not going to yoga tonight. But I also know that it is the safest call and I am proud of myself for listening to my instincts.

    I can always go to tomorrow evening’s class if the weather is in better shape. The whole point of going to these classes is to take care of myself and make myself feel good. Being worried about my safety getting there and back is not something that will contribute to my overall wellbeing.

    🚲 Learning to Regain My Balance

    I am learning to go with the flow and adjust my plans as needed, and it’s feeling really good. I didn’t realize just how rigid I had been with myself before, how much I would beat myself up if circumstances changed and I needed to adjust accordingly.

    I would instinctively and incessantly beat myself up for things I had no control over and it was absolutely exhausting. Now I am learning to only worry about what I can control, what is actually right in front of me.

    I am letting my focus be on gently and compassionately taking care of myself instead of forcing myself because of some abstract rule my inner critic created in my head.

    Much like riding a bike, I also know that this is not something I will just suddenly forget how to do. Now that I have learned how to prioritize making decisions like this, learned how to listen to what my body is telling me, I know that even when I have bad days, even when I wobble a bit, I will still be able to regain my balance and prioritize what I need in each moment.

    🌙 Quiet Progress, Big Pride

    I am feeling really proud of myself these days and it’s just exciting. It’s not loud or extravagant or glamorous. It’s a quiet kind of exciting that tells me I am on the right track, that I am slowly but surely creating the life I have always dreamed of.

    I am actually doing it and it’s a pretty incredible feeling.

    Thank you all for following along with me as I continue to learn and adjust and discover new paths to happiness. I am so grateful for your company on this journey!

    Love always,
    Bailz 💜

  • 🌅 Morning Pages, Affirmations, and the Art of Showing Up (Even When You Don’t Want To)

    🌅 Morning Pages, Affirmations, and the Art of Showing Up (Even When You Don’t Want To)

    I’m currently on week two of working through The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron, and I’m really enjoying the process so far. The biggest change I’ve incorporated is what Cameron calls morning pages — and let me tell you, they’ve been transformative.

    Every morning, as soon as I wake up, I sit at the kitchen table and write three full pages, longhand, in pure stream-of-consciousness style. I put the date and time at the top of the first page and just let it flow.

    Some mornings start with:

    • “I’m pissed off today because I’m so tired and annoyed with my night sweats.”
    • “I just feel angry today.”
    • “I don’t know what to write, I don’t know what to write,” — repeated for half a page until something new bubbles up, and off I go.

    Not always, but usually, by the time I reach the end of my third page, I feel lighter. Still tired, yes — but no longer radiating rage. After those three pages, I fill one more page (front and back) with affirmations inspired by a Mel Robbins podcast I recently watched:

    🎧 8 Things to Say to Yourself Every Morning to Change Your Life

    💬 The Affirmations I Write Each Day:

    • Today is going to be a great day.
    • Something cool is going to happen to me today.
    • No matter what happens today, I can handle it.
    • An exciting new chapter is beginning.
    • I need to give myself more credit for how hard I’m trying.
    • I am allowed to be a work in progress.
    • If I keep showing up, life will reward me.
    • I have something important to contribute to the world.

    Once I finish my three pages, I repeat those eight affirmations four times, which fills a front and back page perfectly. And when I’m done? I usually feel capable — sometimes even motivated enough to hop on the walk pad or roll out the yoga mat almost immediately without really having to talk myself into it. Considering how I often start these pages with “I’m so freaking angry right now,” that feels pretty miraculous.

    🌞 The Power of Showing Up

    There have been several mornings where I’ve wanted to skip the pages — to tell myself, “I’ll do them later.” But they’re not called whenever-you-want pages. They’re called morning pages. So I’ve stuck with them, and I’m honestly proud of that.

    This morning, though, was a real test.

    I was asleep by midnight with my alarm set for 8:00 AM so I could be up in time for my chiropractor appointment. But around 4:45, I woke up drenched in sweat — again. I changed clothes, moved to the guest room, and lay there for an hour before I fell back asleep. When I finally did, I had nightmares until Winston barked just before my alarm went off.

    I was furious when I got up. Bone-tired and frustrated. But I still sat down and wrote. The pages were messy, cranky, and full of complaints — but that’s the point. The act of writing helps me let go. I’d rather vent to the page than carry it in my chest all day.

    💫 Affirmations, Adjustments, and Exhaustion

    When I finished my pages, I tried to bargain with myself about skipping affirmations. “I’m tired. I have my appointment soon. I’ll do them later.” But I caught myself — that’s exactly when I need them most. So I did them anyway. I wrote fast, a little sloppy, but I still did them. And that counts.

    After that, I went to my chiropractic appointment. Dr. Lauren said she got everything adjusted that she wanted to today, which is great news. I’m a little sore, especially in my hips and neck, but that’s expected — my muscles are adjusting to the bones being where they’re supposed to be again.

    I wish I could say that put me in a great mood, but honestly, my sleep deprivation is catching up with me. I am so tired. I can’t remember the last time I woke up dry, or rested, or without dread in my chest. When that’s your normal, it wears you down.

    Heath and I have been doing a ton of research to figure out what’s causing it. I’ve adjusted my diet, started supplements, drastically reduced alcohol, added protein before bed, hydrated more, and focused on nervous system regulation. I’m doing everything right — and nothing’s working yet. It’s defeating. But I’m still hopeful that as my body continues to rebalance through chiropractic care and all the other work I’m doing, relief will come.

    When I got home from my appointment, I crawled back into bed for a nap. I woke up sweaty and cranky again, but I’m trying to stay patient. I know things will get better eventually. I have to believe that. Otherwise, I’ll lose my mind.

    For now, I’m just taking it one page, one stretch, one affirmation at a time.

    💜
    Love always,
    Bailz

    ✨ If you’re on your own healing or creative journey, I hope this reminds you that showing up for yourself doesn’t have to be perfect — it just has to be consistent. Every word, every stretch, every act of care counts. You’re doing better than you think. 💜

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  • 🌿 A New Chapter in Healing

    🌿 A New Chapter in Healing

    Today has been a busy but really good day so far. This morning, I had my first appointment with a holistic chiropractor, and I left feeling lighter — emotionally and energetically. ✨

    The doctor was wonderful. We talked in depth about everything that has been going on in my life recently, including past trauma and how it has manifested in my body over time. She explained all of the scans they were going to run, why they were important, and what kind of change and benefit I can expect once she creates a care plan for me. Her approach was thorough, kind, and validating — and for the first time in a long time, I felt truly seen and hopeful.

    💧 Letting Go of What I’ve Been Carrying

    I won’t lie — I cried in her office. I’ve been holding so much tension and emotional weight for so long, and I just can’t keep doing it. It’s been affecting my well-being, my sleep, and even the way I see myself. Something has to change, and I’m finally taking the steps to make that happen.

    Heath came with me to the appointment, and I think he’s just as excited as I am about this new path. He’s seen firsthand how much all of this has impacted me day to day, and the promise of relief feels like a gift to both of us. 💜

    📚 The Body Keeps the Score

    I brought The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk with me to read while I waited. When my doctor saw it, she lit up — she said she was going to recommend it to me after reading my intake questionnaire! It felt like such a moment of alignment — a little confirmation that I’m on the right track and making the right choices for myself.

    🩸 Gathering More Answers

    After my chiropractic appointment, I went to get some bloodwork done. They’re checking my B12 and vitamin D levels, as well as running a comprehensive female hormone panel to see if that can help explain some of the symptoms I’ve been struggling with. I should have those results in a couple of days, and I’m looking forward to seeing what comes back.

    Tomorrow, I go back to the chiropractor for the results of all my scans and X-rays — and my first adjustment! I’m honestly so excited to get started and to finally have a clear plan of action for my healing. 🌸

    😴 The Ongoing Battle with Sleep

    Even though I’m feeling accomplished today, I’m also completely exhausted — physically, mentally, emotionally. Last night was another rough night of little to no sleep. I’ve been struggling to fall asleep, waking up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night, and often having to change clothes or even switch sleeping spots. I feel like I’m constantly tired, and it makes everything harder.

    Sometimes I manage to go back to sleep later in the morning, but then I end up sleeping into the early afternoon and beating myself up for it — even though one of my main goals has been to rest when I’m tired and rebuild a healthier relationship with rest. I know that’s part of the work, but it’s still hard to practice grace when I feel so drained.

    🧘‍♀️ Movement, Rest, and Balance

    I’m sore from all the yoga I did yesterday, but I’m not skipping today — not for yoga, not for my walk. I’m going to push through… after a nap, of course. 😅 Your girl is TIRED. But I know movement helps, and I want to keep showing up for myself, even if it’s in small ways.

    I’m optimistic about what’s coming — the adjustments, the bloodwork, the personalized care plan — all of it. I feel confident that I’m moving in the right direction and that positive change is on the horizon. For now, though, I’m giving myself permission to rest, recharge, and cuddle up with my pups for some much-needed downtime. 🐾💤

    As always, thank you for being here. I am so grateful for your support, your presence, and your encouragement along this journey. 💜

    Love always, Bailz

    This healing journey is unfolding one step, one breath, one post at a time — and it means so much that you’re here with me. 💜 If you’d like to keep following along, subscribe below to have new posts delivered right to your inbox.

  • 🌿 How to Do the Work (Literally)

    🌿 How to Do the Work (Literally)

    I started reading How to Do the Work by Dr. Nicole LePera, and within the first few pages, I knew — this is exactly what I need right now. I’m only about a third of the way through, but it’s already resonating deeply. 💜

    Dr. LePera opens the book by describing what she calls the “dark night of the soul” — that rock-bottom moment when everything in your life feels misaligned and something inside you quietly says, “this can’t be it.” As I read her words, it was like reading my own story. I could feel myself in her descriptions of burnout, dread, brain fog, and emotional exhaustion. I found myself nodding and whispering, “me too.”

    🧘‍♀️ Starting with the Body

    When she said the first step in her healing was focusing on her body — movement and nutrition — I decided to follow her lead. And I’ve really been leaning into it.

    To start, I did a 45-minute Deep Stretch Yoga with Adriene session. It’s one I’ve done before, but it had been a while, and I was pleasantly surprised to notice how much progress I’ve made. I held every pose, stretched deeper than I could before, and finished feeling both grounded and proud. ✨

    After yoga, I hopped on the walk pad for another 45 minutes. I usually keep my pace at 3.0, but today I pushed myself a little — up to 3.4 — and wow, I felt it! It was that perfect mix of loving and hating it at the same time. More sweat, yes (ew), but also more endorphins. Totally worth it.

    🌬️ Walking in Silence

    As of yesterday, I have changed up my walking routine. No TV, no music, no podcasts. Just silence. Just me, my breath, and the rhythm of my steps. And, today, when I took away the distractions, my mind got loud. Without a hilarious Jim-and-Dwight prank to fill the space, old feelings started bubbling up. Anger. Frustration. Resentment from years ago.

    My first instinct was to run — to stop walking, grab a snack, turn on the TV, scroll my phone — anything to numb it out. But instead, I kept walking. I let the anger rise. I let myself feel it fully. I reminded myself that anger is a natural response to crossed boundaries. It’s not something to shame or suppress. So I breathed through it, felt it, and then… it passed. As easily as it came up, it dissolved. I honestly can’t even remember what triggered it now. It’s just gone. 🕊️

    🐾 Energy Flows Both Ways

    After my walk, I hydrated, had a protein shake, and took my vitamins. Then I decided to give both dogs a much-needed bath. Neither was thrilled, but they handled it better than usual — especially Winston. Normally, he’s nervous and strong enough to make bath time a full-body workout for me, but today, he was calmer. Maybe the calmest he has ever been for a bath. I can’t help but think he was mirroring my energy. Because I was calmer, he could be too. 🐶

    💫 Exploring Somatic Work

    I’ve been coming across the term somatic therapy a lot lately, so today I looked into it more. I found a short 7-minute beginner somatic routine on YouTube and followed along, then added Day 1 of a 30-day series for overwhelm. After that, I did a Yoga with Adriene session designed to regulate the nervous system. It was the perfect sequence — movement, breath, calm.

    Afterward, I took a hot shower, shaved my legs after a few weeks of neglecting them, and moisturized head-to-toe with my favorite body oil from Salt Soothers in Guthrie. Their products are magic. ✨ Then I put on my coziest oversized T-shirt, thick socks, and sat down to write this post — feeling clean, calm, and present.

    🌸 Real Progress

    I’ve definitely been on the struggle bus lately — and in denial about it — but today felt like a turning point. I’m starting to bring myself back to center. It feels good to nurture my body again, and I can feel my mind and spirit following along.

    I’m still struggling with sleep, and last night was rough, but I have a feeling that the more I reconnect with my body, the more that will start to heal too. I’m learning that progress doesn’t always look like productivity — sometimes, it looks like gentle consistency.

    Thank you for being here. I’m so grateful for your presence on this journey. 💜

    Love always,
    — Bailz