Bailz Has a Blog

Tag: spiritual awakening

  • 🌿 Expansion & Contraction

    🌿 Expansion & Contraction

    Hey, hi, hello! Happy Friday!

    It’s been a while since my last post. The past month or so brought a wave of depression that knocked me off my footing for a bit. I lost my rhythm for a while, but I am starting to come back to myself and I finally feel ready to return to this space and share again.

    🌊 The Rhythm of Healing

    At the start of the year, I was in a season of expansion.

    I was making meaningful progress in therapy, showing up to yoga twice a week, and really stepping into my independence and personal power.

    And then, like clockwork, contraction arrived.

    Even though I know contraction is natural, necessary, and part of the deal when it comes to healing, it was still hard to accept while I was in it. I knew it would pass. I knew it was temporary. But that didn’t make it any less difficult.

    🖤 Feeling It All

    Something I’ve noticed since starting this healing journey is that my awareness has expanded significantly. And with that expanded awareness came deeper, more intense emotional experiences.

    I am no longer numbing out or turning away from the hard feelings. I am actually feeling them. And this time around, it hit harder because of that.

    It knocked me on my ass for a bit, if I’m being honest.

    The upside is that I now have more tools than ever before. I was able to move through it faster than I ever have in the past, and that feels like real progress.

    🧠 When the Past Comes Knocking

    Here’s what I think really happened.

    As I worked on healing my present self, I created space. And that space invited past versions of me to come forward and finally be heard.

    And they were not subtle about it.

    At the time those experiences originally happened, I didn’t have the capacity to fully process them. So I avoided, suppressed, numbed, and buried them. Drugs, alcohol, distraction, all of it.

    But those emotions do not just disappear. They wait. And when it is finally safe enough, they rise.

    So as I stepped out of burnout and into healing, everything I had buried came back up to the surface.

    Honestly, it felt like an emotional zombie apocalypse.

    My bestie, Ryann, sent me this video a few weeks ago, and it helped me understand what was happening in a way that really clicked. I shared it with Heath too, and he found it helpful.

    Here it is in case it resonates with you as well:

    🧘‍♀️ Showing Up Anyway

    Even though this past month was heavy, I still showed up for myself in the ways that mattered most.

    Even on the days I wasn’t feeling it, I made it to yoga. I kept my back to back classes, one hour of hot vinyasa followed by one hour of restorative.

    I kept every therapy appointment.

    I kept every chiropractic appointment.

    And most importantly, I stayed sober, even when things felt the heaviest. It has been 147 days since my last drink, 158 days since I last smoked, and I am incredibly proud of myself for that.

    That matters more than anything.

    Of course, not everything stayed perfectly on track. My sleep schedule has been all over the place again, staying up late and sleeping in. And naturally, my eating schedule has followed suit.

    As I come out of this fog, getting my sleep and nutrition back into alignment feels like my biggest priority.

    🌸 Gentle Rebuilding

    I am also being very intentional about how I approach this next phase.

    I know by now that being hard on myself does not work. Being critical does not create sustainable change. It just creates more resistance.

    So I am choosing softness.

    I am choosing patience.

    I am choosing to trust the process.

    I will get back to my ideal routines. Maybe not overnight, maybe not even this week. But little by little, I will get there.

    🔔 Moments That Shifted Something

    Last weekend, Heath and I went to a sound bath at my yoga studio, and it was incredible.

    Neither of us had ever done one before, and we both left feeling lighter, both physically and energetically.

    Heath has been dealing with a shoulder injury for over a year, and afterward he had more range of motion and less pain than he has had in a long time. He went in skeptical and came out a believer.

    For me, it felt like the clouds started to part. I went in feeling heavy and disconnected, and I walked out feeling more present, more grounded, and more like myself.

    Then Wednesday came.

    I had my yearly oncology check up, and I am so happy to say that all of my bloodwork came back healthy and I am still cancer free. 🤍

    I will go back in December for another scan, but for now, I am in the clear.

    Heath took the day off to come with me, and we ended up spending the whole day together. We had brunch, went to the chiropractor, drove around listening to music, and he even came with me to restorative yoga that evening.

    Something about that day felt like a turning point. The sound bath cleared the fog, and Wednesday felt like the beginning of rebuilding.

    ✨ Stepping Into Something New

    This week, I also started a six week online Reiki course, and I am so excited about it.

    For anyone unfamiliar, Reiki is a Japanese energy healing practice that supports the body’s natural healing processes, reduces stress, and promotes relaxation and overall wellbeing.

    It is something I have been curious about for a long time, and I finally felt ready to say yes to it.

    I am really proud of myself for investing in my healing in this way.

    🌱 Moving Forward

    Right now, I feel more like myself again. I feel hopeful. I feel grounded. I feel ready to expand again.

    And I also know that contraction will come back at some point. That is just part of the rhythm.

    But I trust myself more now. I trust that I can move through it with more awareness, more compassion, and more resilience each time.

    This cycle was hard, but I handled it better than I ever have before.

    I did not run from it.

    I did not numb it.

    I sat with it. I felt it. I honored it.

    And now, I am ready for what comes next.

    💜 A Little Reminder

    Healing is not linear. It never has been.

    There will be highs and lows, expansions and contractions, clarity and confusion. That is all part of the journey.

    Be gentle with yourself. Trust yourself. You will make it through.

    I love you all. Thank you for being here with me, and thank you for your patience while I took a step back.

    I am really excited to be writing again.

    Love always,
    Bailz 💜

  • Returning to Myself, One Pause at a Time

    Returning to Myself, One Pause at a Time

    ✨ Hey, hi, hello! Happy Wednesday!

    It’s been a few days since my last post, and I’ve really been trying to slow down and focus on being gentle with myself. Although, admittedly, I’ve been struggling with it. I’m feeling better today, but the in-between was rougher than I anticipated.

    After my post on Friday, I felt a huge amount of vulnerability. On one hand, I was incredibly proud of myself for sharing everything I did. But at the same time, I felt pretty depleted — it took a lot of energy to muster up the courage to say those things out loud.

    🎵 The Concert I Almost Skipped (But Absolutely Needed)

    Friday night we went to a concert, and every bit of me wanted to skip it. I was drained, I was tired, I was not feeling 100% by any means. But we were going to see one of Heath’s favorite bands, NEEDTOBREATHE, and we’d had these tickets for months. I couldn’t bring myself to deprive him of the experience, so I pushed through — and I am so glad I did. I know without a doubt that I was supposed to be there.

    The opener was a woman named Bre Kennedy. I had never heard of her before, but now? I absolutely love her. From the very first song, she grabbed my heart and didn’t let it go. Her voice was stunning, her lyrics beautiful, and I was literally moved to tears. And once they started, they didn’t stop.

    But of course — my inner critic immediately piped up:

    “Oh my god, stop crying! People are going to see you! What are they going to think?!”

    Still, for one of the first times in a long time, I chose not to listen.
    I let the tears flow.
    I stayed in the moment.
    I let myself feel.

    And yes, I ugly cried through most of her set. And I regret nothing.

    📚 The Alchemist, Omens, and the Nudge I Needed

    During her set, Bre talked about her upcoming album, The Alchemist, named after Paulo Coelho’s book. This hit me hard. I had bought that book on my last trip to Guthrie, started reading it, then put it on the shelf when I got home because I became wrapped up in all my Happiness Project reading.

    The moment she mentioned it, I knew I needed to pick it back up again.

    After the show, Heath noticed me eyeing her at the merch table and asked if I wanted to meet her. My instinct was no, because interacting with people I admire makes me panic — but I said yes.

    I told her how much her music moved me, how I cried through the whole thing, and how she inspired me to restart The Alchemist. She was so kind, so gracious, so warm. I almost cried again talking to her. I’m so glad I took the chance.

    The next day, I restarted The Alchemist from the beginning, and instantly felt immersed again — in the story, the Personal Legend, the Soul of the World, the omens. It reinforced everything I’ve been feeling lately:

    I am in the messy middle. I am doing the work. And I am on the right path.

    🌿 Therapy, Inner Critics, and Blooming Slowly

    I had therapy yesterday, and it went really well. Each session makes me more confident that I’ve finally found the right therapist. We talked a lot about childhood trauma and how those experiences still color the way I treat myself now — especially the way my inner critic talks to me.

    You would think that getting sober is a HUGE accomplishment that even my inner critic couldn’t argue with, right?
    Wrong.

    She said:

    “Obviously you should be sober! Why didn’t you do it sooner? You’re so late to the game!”

    She can be… a lot.

    I told my therapist how I’m struggling with wanting everything to happen faster — I want to be further along than I am. And she gave me an analogy that struck me deeply:

    When a flower blooms, it expands… and then it pauses.
    It contracts a little to gather energy.
    Without those pauses, it wouldn’t bloom at all — its petals would fall off.

    WOW. I loved that.

    It was exactly what I needed. I don’t want to lose my petals. I want to bloom slowly and stay intact. That means I have to pause. I have to rest. I have to let myself contract so I can grow again.

    The past few days have been my pause-and-contract phase. Today, I feel like I’m blooming again.

    📖 Books, Chiropractic Care, and Little Moments of Self-Care

    My therapist recommended a new book — Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times by Katherine May — and it arrived today. I’m excited to start it tonight.

    This morning I went to the chiropractor, then this afternoon I got a haircut. It felt so nice to pamper myself a little.

    Tomorrow morning I have my second progress scan with the chiropractor. The first scan showed enormous improvement and brought me to tears. I know this next one will too.

    I feel so much more centered, grounded, and connected to my body than I did even a month ago. These adjustments have helped regulate my nervous system in ways I didn’t even realize were possible.

    💜 Gratitude for Where I Am Now

    Instead of focusing on “what ifs,” I’m focusing on gratitude.

    I am grateful that I have the opportunity to do this work.
    Grateful that I can afford therapy and chiropractic care.
    Grateful that I have a husband who encourages me every step of the way.
    Grateful that I quit my job when I did.
    Grateful that I started my blog, found my chiropractor, found my therapist, quit drinking, quit smoking — when I did.

    I’m following the omens.
    I’m working toward my own Personal Legend.
    It’s messy.
    It’s beautiful.
    And I feel so lucky to be here.

    I am doing this for every younger version of me who couldn’t.
    For every future version of me who will benefit.
    And for the current version of me who keeps showing up — on the good days and the harder ones too.

    💬 A Question for You

    Before you go, I’d love to hear from you:

    Where are you in your own blooming process right now — expanding, contracting, or somewhere beautifully in between?

    Share in the comments if you feel comfortable. Your story might be exactly what someone else needs to hear today. 🌿

    ✨ Want to Follow Along?

    If you enjoyed this post and want to follow along on my healing journey, my messy middle, and all the magic I’m discovering along the way, please consider subscribing.

    You’ll get updates whenever a new post goes live — no spam, just heart, honesty, and a little bit of witchy wisdom. 💜

    Love always,
    Bailz 💜